Think my wife isn’t interested in me anymore

[40YearOldScottishDad]

First time posting here….my wife and I have been together for over 11 years and have been married for nearly 7 years and have two amazing kids. My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all. I’ve always had a higher sex-drive than my wife, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated as our sex life is virtually nonexistent. Think we’ve had sex twice in the past year and the past couple of times that I’ve tried to initiate it she’s either made excuses or, like the last time, tells me that she’s doesn’t find herself getting turned on anymore. She says she still loves me and finds me attractive but it’s difficult going to bed every night knowing that she has not interest in sex. I’ve tried to do different things to reignite our sex life but they haven’t worked. She ended up being really annoyed with me once after I bought her some lingerie (which I’d spent ages picking out so it wasn’t too provocative and genuinely thought she’d like it) so that’s a no-go area. I’m happy to do absolutely anything she wants to do and have no issue talking about sex, but she really doesn’t like to talk about it and got upset when we’ve spoken about it previously.
It was my 40th birthday a few days ago (hence the username) and we went out for the day, which was our first date for months. It was lovely but I’d previously mentioned about staying overnight somewhere, but she didn’t want to as our daughter had a dance class the other day. That is absolutely fine as ordinarily I wouldn’t want her to miss something she enjoys, but I thought it would be fine this once since we never get a night away just the two of us.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking this a bit much but just looking for some outside opinions as I don’t really like the idea of spending my life in a sexless marriage.

Thanks in advance!

Have you thought about asking ‘how can I be a great husband?’

Thats a very different question from ‘how can I get my wife to do what I want?’

Emotional safety

sharing the mental load

when women are constantly and physically emotionally supporting everyone else it kills libido dead.

and it takes time to build the trust around you being emotionally stable, patient and supportive.

prioritise hugs and cuddles with absolutely zero pressure for anything else - women get so much pressure left right and centre that adding sex in feels like an additional chore.

men’s libido is very different. The more you try to understand her and hers the more she’ll actually be interested

extreme patience

If you can spend time looking for lingerie (which is simply you spending time getting what you want - and she was completely within her rights to say no) you can spend time doing any of the little boring dull and endless shitty things around the house that will always need doing

it never ceases to amaze me how men do certain “jobs” in the house they can verbally boast about to others (I put up that shelf / blasted the drive myself etc etc) but never the little boring shitty things like clearing the gunk out of the sink plug, the mould out of the washing machine drawer, cleaning the fridge, pairing socks etc.

My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all
It is this right here. How are you and amazing father and an amazing husband?

Who did you arrange to take your daughter to her dance class?

She ended up being really annoyed with me once after I bought her some lingerie (which I’d spent ages picking out so it wasn’t too provocative and genuinely thought she’d like it) so that’s a no-go area.

You didn't buy that for her, you bought that for you...."ooh I know how I can get a shag out of her, sexy underwear that'll do it". Newsflash for you, that's the last thing that a woman wants. If she wants lingerie she is quite capable choosing it herself it's not your place to choose for her.

I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all.

When was the last time you did the big shop, took the kids to school/anywhere without her having to ask? When was the last time she went out and left you alone with them at your suggestion? Maybe if you actually put her first instead of your dick she may be more willing.

For me it was always feeling bottom.of the list.
Behind work, behind hobbies etc etc
And the mental load of our life, falling entirely to me.
And the taking me away just so he could have sex gave me the rage..becuase him 'taking me away' involved me in a huge list of tasks in the run up to sort everything out so I had the time, and in more work when we got back. Which je did not help with.
I had no energy left for sex. At rhe times he was available and free of work, the gym, his hobbies. Resentment built. And even though i now have that time, I still cant be arsed.

I can’t help but wonder if this is my husband tbh, with details slightly changed but enough for me to spot a lot of similarities. Especially as we talked about it last night and this post was posted an hour after our conversation.

But whether it is, or isn’t, for me, the reasons are everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. After several years of broken sleep due to have two children who do not sleep well, and me doing 99% of the wakings, I am truly exhausted in a way I haven’t ever been before.

On top of that, I am trying to develop in my demanding career but falling behind because I can’t put all the hours in I should.

I have also massively let myself go as sugar is the only thing that gets me through the day so I hate the person I see in the mirror. And no matter how much he tells me I’m gorgeous, I don’t see it. And so I don’t want him to see or even feel me naked.

I don’t want to go away for the night because I don’t feel comfortable having my parents deal with two children who don’t sleep well overnight.

He very much pulls his weight at home (though never used to!) so that’s not an issue.

So sometimes, it’s not that you’re a lazy neglectful fat ugly husband, as PP have tried to paint you as, but rather other complex issues.

ETA to say that a big reason is also because I’m so tired that I am desperate for sleep after the kids go to bed rather than have sex.

Does your DH do any of the grunt work with the DC and round the house? Is he doing any of the nights with them?
Is he supporting you (I don't mean financially) while you build your career?

Lingerie. The least sex-inducing and unimaginative gift available. Fancy pants are purely for the male gaze and provide no benefit to the wearer. Quite the opposite, it adds more pressure to have to dress up and perform for hîm.

The kind of man who buys presents that add to a woman's workload and then posts on MN asking why it didn't work lacks the self awareness to fix the underlying issues.

But reading this….why is it you that is too tired for sex and not him?

This says to me the load isn’t equal according to abilities / stresses and that you are still doing more than your fair share of the emotional workload with 2 kids. Is he at work, wiped out, complaining he has lost the ability to function beyond being a dad? I suspect not. It’s all the “hidden” work you do being “an amazing mum”. He needs to step up to that.

I'm curious to know what lingerie, to make you look desirable to partner, is supposed to do to increase your sex drive? That was a selfish 'gift'.

What really turns me on is when my partner demonstrates interest in me as a human. When he asks my opinion, listens to what I say, discusses it, says he admires what I do, describes me as clever/incredible/brave to other people. I feel less like an appliance.

In addition to all the PPs comments, does she work? Is she working and ‘doing so much for us all’?

You expect sex because you want sex and she’s your wife.

She doesn’t want sex unless she’s in the mood, and she never is, regardless of whether you are and that she’s married.

You need to address the reasons she isn’t in the mood- one of them is that your desire is an extra responsibility on her which is unbelievably off putting. You’ve turned sex into another chore. Not something great that flares up between you when the moment is right, but something on her to do list.

DH used to gaze at me with cow eyes when we went away overnight because like you, he thought it meant sex. So bloody off putting. I was looking forward to a night in a hotel with no worries and no nagging and neediness from anyone, including him.

Do you actually pay attention to her when you don’t want sex? Are you listening and emotionally engaged? Are you aware of her internal life? Or did you stop thinking about that when you married her? Some men are great at decoding women in the wooing phase, but then assume she’s been solved and the task has been completed. Level up, Wife mode has been reached.

You need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your marriage.

You're just 40 and it's far too young to live a sexless life, which twice a year is pretty much celibacy.
A relationship where needs are going unmet breeds resentment which isn'thealthy.

I would echo some things like the sex not always being so great for her.. it's she getting pleasure out of it?

Is she burdened with all/the majority of the parenting and domestic load?

Is she happy with herself/her physical appearance? As that can make women go off sex, if they don't feel attractive.

Besides the intimacy.. how do you get on. Do you communicate well with each other.. aye your otherwise affectionate and loving towards each other?

Ultimately, you need to determine if you're prepared to continue like this, or if you'd rather part ways. I'd suggest you seek individual therapy to talk things through with a professional and take is from there.

He does do the grunt work around the house and with the DC. He didn’t used to and it was a huge issue but the past 18 months or so, that has changed. To the point that I would say he now does more.

But I do the night times, and that’s what has killed me. If the DC think I’m out, they’re fine with him overnight but if they know I’m home, they’re will not settle with him and instead get more and more distressed. So as a result, I deal with them both every single night. Older DC is 4 so only wakes up once or twice and does accept DH around half of the time but younger DC is 2 and will only want me.

Career, supports 100%. We have our set evenings where we work late if need be and if I have a deadline, he will look after DC all week and weekend, and vice versa. We’re in the same industry so he knows exactly what it’s like.

The sleep is the issue. It has left me exhausted and I have let myself go as a result. For someone who always made an effort with hair and make up and nice clothes, that’s a hard pill to swallow.

As I just posted in response to another PP, it’s the lack of sleep overnight that is the issue.

if This is you and op - I hate to break it to you but something has to give.

it’s an illusion that we can do it all. You cannot fully engage in a demanding career as well as being there for everything for your kids every activity. There isn’t enough time in the day for that (unless you don’t yourself need sleep because you are a vampire).

Both of you are a team. You need to decide together how you can maintain careers and be connected with your kids. 99% of wake ups do not land on you. If you are both in demanding careers and reducing that isn’t an option (absolutely a valid option) maybe hire a nanny or a cleaner to pick up the grunt work so you both get to do the fun bits as a family.

Is she on birth control? That made me completely go off sex, since I stopped taking it it’s back with a vengeance. We rarely had sex because I just didn’t want it, nothing to do with DH it was all me

if not I agree with what others have said she is probably exhausted from the load she is carrying and the last thing she’ll want to do when she gets into bed at night is sex

3 questions for you op:

-How old are your kids?

-Does your wife get enough rest and sleep?

-Do you make sure she orgasms during sex?

My kids are 5 and 2. They climb all over me all day, and the 2 year old ends up in my bed clinging to me. I am so overstimulated and touched out that I then don’t want my DH touching me. It’s nothing personal against him, i am just struggling for personal space. Do you help your wife enough with the kids?

I don’t get much sleep or rest because of the kids, so i want to sleep at night. The few times we’ve managed to have sex at night, i’m bloody knackered the next day.

Many women don’t orgasm with just penetration so unless the man is able to ensure orgasm in other ways, it’s not big on list of priorities for women.

It sounds like you’re not interested in your wife anymore, you just want to have sex with her.

I don’t think therapy is the immediate answer here. Op needs have an open and honest convo with his wife as he clearly had fuck all idea what’s going on if he thought lingerie would fix it.

Talking with a therapist on his own could still help him. He can get some guidance on how to broach the conversation with his wife and help clarify his thoughts.

Can you break down the division of household tasks and childcare?

Foreplay is 24/7 not just before sex.

If your wife is flat out working, doing all the household stuff, cooking, cleaning, emotionally supporting everyone and leaving herself to last, her sex drive will follow along with how she's feeling.

Being her "partner" is 50/50 everything. Being a team, not having to be asked to put on a load of washing and then hanging it out too - stuff like this on a DAILY basis will allow her to begin to appreciate you, to feel CARED FOR. Being bought underwear is not sexy, its fucking annoying.