Emotional affair and trying to reconcile going wrong

[Hogglehedge]

Need to offload, just so fed up

I really need some support and a space to offload. Please be kind as my mental health has taken a battering with this as im neurodivergent and ive been dealing with a very poorly daughter. I have been liking and following similar threads and comments recently.
In july I found out my H was having an emotional affair and exchanging sexual photos with a work colleague, a really flirty desperate woman I warned him about, this was after seeing her behaviour on a work social - she was all over married colleagues and ignored me.

My husband was part of whatsapp group chats with her attention seeking in which i didnt like , sexual banter and way crossing lines for a work chat -and eventually I just knew they were chatting separately, my intuition was screaming at me for weeks something was going on between them, there was mentiontis constantly and he also gaslighted me and made it all about me, my paranoia and hormones and him "not having any female friends " and all the usual crap they spout. Typical script shit.

I ultimately found out about the affair by things on his phone. He admitted messaging, offloading to each other and sharing of photos on one occasion. So it was an Emotional affair. He downplayed it saying it wasn't and that he didn't know there was such a thing. More bs.

hes promised hes told me everything and that it was just him being stupid and lines were crossed by him because we were going through stress - ive still not known whether hes told me the full truth. I'll never know. We decided to try and work things out- this was after some time apart and me nearly ending things. He promised he would block her on all angles and ive seen this. He also told her i knew and showed me proof of her seeing a message he sent telling her. However, they still work at the same place neither of them have left. Yes, I know he should of left his job. At the time I was so devastated and we are struggling financially. But now I really wish id made him leave.

Looking back now ive not been harsh enough. Which leads us to now. Things had been going OK, reconciling and he had been making an effort and I had no suspicions.....up until November time when his demeanour changed again, I noticed a weird vibe about him. I think hes been missing her chats and his ego boosting off her and they've got back in touch again and hes just unblocking her when hes away from me. recently ive found out that hes still doing things for her at work. Hes posted in a group chat that shes not in about doing a favour for her at xmas. Why is he bothered about her??? No contact means no contact!!!!! He's white lied a few times things to do with her which he dosent realise I know about as ive seen stuff on his phone again and ive been testing the waters to see what he comes out with. I can't face bringing it up again just yet, its my birthday soon, I just can't face another argument over that vile woman and his behaviour. I shouldn't be having to explain to a 45 year old man what respect is and the right way to try to reconcile after what hes done. im devastated that hes still in contact with this woman at work, he still sees her in the canteen at times, not every day but he says he can't walk away if shes there when hes with other collegues. Shes also married too - on and off apparently- i think he knows things but im too scared to message him. Its making me so angry that she knows my husband has "blocked" her for me, yet he still continues to carry on as normal with her, someone who has caused me so much pain and anger. I just needed to vent in here. I know what I need to do, im just so angry he just dosent care and how he could do this. am I right to be worried that there was far more to this in summer. I just dont know. Im worried they have been physical but hes sworn and promised its just been a few offloading messages and only one where he sent a photo after a few drinks. I know many of you will say LTB but I just love him so much despite what hes done. Deep down I know he will likely do it again. Its hard not to be angry towards her but ultimately it was my husbands choice to engage with her and its his entirely his fault. Its so hard, please be kind, im also amazed at how my intuition was so spot on with this, and how I was right all along. Sadly its still telling me he hasnt cut her off. Im just heartbroken really after what hes done and the damage its caused, I dont think I can get past it 💔

Anyone? Am just really needing support especially from others who have gone through this 🥺

He knows how you feel about it all and is choosing not to prioritise you or even admit to all of it. There is no getting over it unless he takes full responsibility, is completely transparent, and will commit to things like counseling to repair your marriage. Without these things there is really no going back.

You don't have to make a decision today. However if you stay and he has done none of the above, it will eat at you. Every time his phone dings you will feel anxiety and you won't trust that he's not seeing her every time he goes to work. You will stop believing anything he says.

It's a terrible place to be in, but you need to be direct and tell him what the consequences of his actions will be, then stick to them. If he loves you and truly prioritises you, he will do everything in his power to regain your trust and let you know that you are his first priority in everything, even if it means leaving his current job. If he doesn't, well you have your answer.

It sucks, and I am so sorry you're in this situation.

Thank you celerysticker. The last time I discussed it all with him was November and i emphasised it all as you've said above and its just not happening. E.g ive seen in a work chat he did a favour for her at Christmas. It wasn't much but it was something he mentioned to help her to other work collegues. He shouldnt be remotely interested in anything to do with her let alone helping her out with something. Im just so broken and fed up its staring me in the face how bad the situation is but im just so devastated with it all and I just needed others to give me opinions on it really and to get it out :(

In the kindest way - you need to bin him off. I know it seams almost impossibly hard now, but in a year or two you won't believe the shit you put up with.

He isn't making an effort, he's still lying to you, hasn't changed job which is the most obvious thing to do, and I can almost guarantee he's minimising their degree of contact. Why would you want to be with somebody who has clearly no regard for your emotional wellbeing or commitment to your family?

This is the script through and through - at least these POS men do us the favour of being such simpletons that we can see straight through their bullshit like it was written on their forehead.

Make a plan, and leave him to her. He doesn't deserve your effort or anxiety.

You talk about 'that vile woman' but she's not the problem, she doesn't owe you any loyalty - your partner does. He's the vile one, he's lied and you have no idea if he's actually had/is having an affair with her, because you can't trust what he's telling you. How can you possibly trust him when you don't know if he's telling you the whole truth and you suspect he isn't. If you 'forgive' and stay with him, you're never going to trust him deep down, are you?

Yes I agree im just angry that's all, I said in the bottom of my post its all on him etc. Its just hard that's all . She did however chase my husband for weeks even colleagues were joking about it in a whatsapp group which makes it worse. I saw messages where he wasn't doing anything wrong at first, it was all her flirting and coming on to him .
But he chose to engage eventually when he could of just told her to F off. Its just caused such a mess.

People will say LTB because that's the only sensible option. Leaving someone you love is difficult, but ultimately it's a choice between your own self respect, peace of mind and dignity vs loving someone who isn't respecting you at all and losing yourself in the mess. He also doesn't love you enough to be faithful and put your feelings first. In cases like this, if women can't leave the man because she loves him so much, the only other realistic choice is to stay and put up with it. Some, if not many women do just that. Sounds harsh, but it is what it is.

You need to love yourself more than you love him. At the moment the conditions for repair are not present.

Only loss of access makes people uncomfortable. You should separate. If you can’t physically separate due to housing issues you should at least emotionally separate. Separate beds, no sex or affection. No access to you emotionally. No physical or emotional labour from you. No family days out. No more checking what he’s doing.

She isn’t the issue here, he is. Direct all of your energy and anger towards him. He made the vows and promise to you, not her.

EA’s are complicated. This sounds like it went further with the sexting - EA’s tend to be more about just getting on as humans so opening up to one another and enjoying spending time together but eventually realising you’re developing feelings. I don’t know how many of them result in sexts and dirty pics… I think your H just wanted to fuck her tbh rather than having feelings.

He betrayed your trust once, then went and did again after you found out. You either accept this and live with it or leave. I know which I’d choose.

@Hogglehedge

"I just love him so much" you know, ultimately, this means you'll stay and put up with it.

There will come a day though when your anger and self-respect will completely outweigh your love for him.

Today, is not yet that time @Hogglehedge.

Wishing you peace. 🌻

First of all I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hideous.

You've asked for others opinions - however - I say this with kindness - no one here is going to tell you anything you don't already know. We can stand with you, and tell you that you are not alone, but we have no magic words that will make this any easier.

His behaviour is abhorrent because it disrespects you. And he knows it. Vile.

Those of us that have chosen work things out/move forward with their partners following the EA are doing so with strict and unwavering boundaries. There is no other way forward.

Get angry, get resolute. You are worth more. He needs to get another job and cut her off - or you move forward on your own. Let the fucker go if he is going to behave in this way.

My advice - you do not have to do this right now if that is causing you the most anxiety; ground yourself, be kind to yourself - get legal advice. Work on moving FORWARD, not backwards. Most importantly, you hold your head up high - you are worth so much more than this.

I tried like you but eventually I realised it was going to follow me around for the rest of my life. He was still secretly in contact with her two years later and that's when I said enough was enough. I'm so much happier now. I deserved better than constantly checking whether he was respecting me. You deserve better too.
I know it's scary considering leaving but you'll look back and be proud of yourself.

Am really sorry it didn't work out xx

Thank you
Yes he needs another job and a harsh direct cut off. It worries me that she has something on him or has blackmailed him with something e.g I will tell hogglehedge we did this if you stop speaking to me" or similar. Hes not been harsh enough towards her and directly done what ive asked and is still taking the piss. I just needed to get it out in here, ive been reading so many similar posts this week, they are all the same with that stupid gaslighting and lying. Im not doing anything as yet however I have been getting ducks In row and making notes etc

All of this.
I'm so sorry you're going through this it's horrendous.
However this turns out, you need to take care of yourself first. Decide your boundaries and stick to them. He definitely needs to end all contact with ow.
To do that you likely need to separate for at least a bit. You cannot change this or him but you can do what's right for you. If that brings him to his senses and he can do the work then great but it it doesn't at least you aren't living in limbo.
And don't give yourself a hard time for being mad at her. Of course responsibility for this is 100% with him. But she knowing got herself involved with a married man, its OK to be mad at her and completely human.
Sending a big hug.

The only person who can fix this is him. He broke it, so he needs to put in the work to try and fix it. Not you, you've done nothing wrong. But sadly it sounds like he isnt prepared to put in the effort, which tells me that you may love him but he doesn't feel the same.

My husband and I have successfully moved on from him starting down the emotional affair path. The only reason we have got past it is because he genuinely took on full responsiblity and for years hasn't stopped doing everything he can to make things right again. The first thing being cutting off ALL contact with the other woman.

I recommend you both read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Both my husband and I found it tough but really helpful. Also the Gottman Institute have a lot of resources. But ultimately he needs to be driving this.

Hi, I am going through something similar, my husband was inappropriately messaging a female colleague. I had a hunch so checked his phone for proof. He deleted her number and the messages stopped but he still works in the same office, he's assured me he has minimal contact with her, but I dont really believe everything he told me about the messaging and how long it went on for was true. He has also kept her as a friend of Facebook and when I asked why, he said 'its only Facebook! I have a battle everyday with my anxiety, and honestly dont know how long I can carry on like this, so I do feel your pain and only you know if you want to live like this. Good luck.

I get that you still love him but you won't anymore when this reconciliation ends badly. This is likely not the first person he has done this with and will not be his last. Love him, pour your efforts into fixing things but you will end of separated by summer. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but by now we all know the drill. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

Am really sorry you are going through similar xxx

your H needs to take her off fb and block on everything. Mine did all this, but still sees her at work and im worried they are still chatting Just hiding it better or they are around each other at work and hes blatantly not giving a shit carrying on as normal. Im really beginning to think i can't carry on like this much longer. The utter disrespect is beginning to make me really angry

Ive even thought of getting his rota and looking at when he has breaks etc and turning up near the warehouse workplace randomly when hes on his break discreetly, to see if hes hanging round her or shes around him. I can see the area they all stand vaping and chatting at a distance so i would be able to clock him near her or with her. Its ridiculous im even thinking this but I know hes lying and I want to catch him out

You’re flogging a dead horse

It was between 2018-2020 for me.

she was also a married work colleague,it was the mentionitis,the secretive behaviour,seeking her approval etc

He changed jobs but still carried on with her;he’d be calling her on a night shift.

I had enough;I kicked him out.We went to marriage counselling.

It still hurts like hell.He tells me he lied to her about me;he made out he was a neglected husband,he enjoyed the attention and affirmation she gave him,she was an ego boost he couldn’t let go of.

I still don’t know if he and I will be together till death do us part because it just eats away at the corners of our marriage.

He is definitely no contact with her though;she is gone;it’s a really hard boundary of mine.

sending you a hug 🫂

You want to follow him at work and check his phone because you don’t trust him. That’s not something that is easily repaired. It can take years to repair trust to the point where you are not constantly anxious or suspicious. And every time you check his phone and you see something to do with her it will put you back to the beginning.

You can give it one last attempt where you tell him you don’t trust him and you aren’t sure whether you will get over it, but if you are going to try then he needs to move jobs and swear that he will never speak to her again in any form. If he can’t commit to either of those things then he’s not committed making it work. This whole thing should have been a huge wake up call for what he could have (and could still) lose. If it hasn’t been that then you have to accept maybe he’s not that worried about losing you.

It’s awful to hear but if it’s the truth you have to accept it. You can’t control what he does. You can only control your own actions and boundaries. Make it clear what those are and if he doesn’t meet them then he’s not who you are supposed to be with.

I totally agree with this post.

My ex husband had an emotional affair and I never recovered from this. Whilst to some degree I got on with life with him, it highlighted many other things I didn't like about him. 6 years later I left a 34 year relationship.

I wish you well with YOUR life choices.
Good luck 👍

I don’t think I could fight for someone like this, even if he blocks, deletes, moves jobs etc there will be another woman. If he loved you, he wouldn’t do it. Whether he leaves you, 🤷‍♀️ who knows. It’ll depend on what the OW can offer I suspect.

Finish with him, find someone who loves you or get on with building your own life, invest in yourself, go out, have fun, protect yourself financially and don’t have children.

Thank you all for your replies - its just shit and I can't see things getting better. im sorry some of you have gone through this. Sending love to all