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Original poster

Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

456 replies

Sheshell · 09/01/2026 09:58

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

OP posts:
PollyBell · 09/01/2026 11:39

A child was deliberately brought up in an abusive household a switch does not get switched off when they get older and the affects vanish

No he should not be rude but the adults in his life caused this

loislovesstewie · 09/01/2026 11:40

He's being abusive, not rude. And he can choose not to be either.

Catwalking · 09/01/2026 11:41

Report the son to R.S.P.C.A..
It’s a very well known fact that people who are cruel to animals, very easily move on to being cruel & much, much worse, to humans.

Sam9769 · 09/01/2026 11:42

Kick him out and if necessary get the police involved and get a restraining order to keep him away from you.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 09/01/2026 11:42

Your son appears to be replicating the abuse he has witnessed. He is an adult, he knows better, and you are fully within your rights to tell him to leave your house. You also have a right to love and I hope your new relationship works out for you.

smashinghope · 09/01/2026 11:43

OP youve went from one abusive relationship to another expect this time your a stringer person, get him out now.

Flowerlovinglady · 09/01/2026 11:43

I would advise you reach out to Women's Aid and see if you can speak to someone as they are the experts and can advise you the best way of proceeding.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. This was written by a guy who worked with domestic abusers and it is an eye opener about why they do what they do - basically because it works for them. It might help you with your next moves.

ZookeeperSE · 09/01/2026 11:44

Piknik · 09/01/2026 11:28

Disagree with the last part. I am not blaming his grief - compounded by grief, yes - but the heart of his behaviour is rooted in having a misogynistic, deeply abusive FUCK of a father modelling vile behaviour, and no means of escape. No adult stepped in and said "this is wrong, we're getting you out of here". He is damaged.

Again, I am not saying OP has to put up with ANY of his abusive behaviour but I am getting angry and the lack of understanding for how he got to this place and what he needs. This is all very familiar to me and OP has lived through hell already, but she didn't leave. I am not blaming her for that but her children had no choice. They were small, vulnerable, malleable and stuck in the middle of that toxic environment for YEARS. And now we're all horrified that at least one of them is repeating the cycle.....

Show quote history

There isn't a 'lack of understanding'.
In fact, quite the opposite for me, given my childhood.

but she didn't leave - you can add in the I'm not blaming her all you like, but it's irrelevant, that is exactly what you are doing. Her son was exposed to an abusive bully because the abusive bully chose to be one, not because of all of the complicated reasons victims of DA do not leave the environment. And even if OP had left, the father would have had access to the children anyway, who is to say the abuse wouldn't have actually been worse for them without the shield of the OP there?

And now we're all horrified that at least one of them is repeating the cycle.....
This is offensive to those of us who have grown up with abuse and have not repeated the cycle, nothing anywhere near like it, in fact. It is not an inevitability. Because we are all autonomous, adult, human beings who can make our own choices in our adult life.

but he still needs help and compassion And he can seek those out, on his own, as other adults do - neither of those things have to come from the OP who deserves a life free from abuse from her adult son.

MJEBinAthens · 09/01/2026 11:45

Can’t you involve the rest of the family and just talk this out in a public setting like a restaurant or something in order to keep tensions low? Also I think he needs some counselling….

takealettermsjones · 09/01/2026 11:46

ZookeeperSE · 09/01/2026 11:44

There isn't a 'lack of understanding'.
In fact, quite the opposite for me, given my childhood.

but she didn't leave - you can add in the I'm not blaming her all you like, but it's irrelevant, that is exactly what you are doing. Her son was exposed to an abusive bully because the abusive bully chose to be one, not because of all of the complicated reasons victims of DA do not leave the environment. And even if OP had left, the father would have had access to the children anyway, who is to say the abuse wouldn't have actually been worse for them without the shield of the OP there?

And now we're all horrified that at least one of them is repeating the cycle.....
This is offensive to those of us who have grown up with abuse and have not repeated the cycle, nothing anywhere near like it, in fact. It is not an inevitability. Because we are all autonomous, adult, human beings who can make our own choices in our adult life.

but he still needs help and compassion And he can seek those out, on his own, as other adults do - neither of those things have to come from the OP who deserves a life free from abuse from her adult son.

Show quote history

10/10 post. 👏

PizzaPowder · 09/01/2026 11:47

Please don't put yourself through this again. He has learned from his dad and grief or no grief, this is the same cycle of abuse.

You've came so far and done so well. Call him out and tell him to leave with someone else present. The police if need be if he won't leave.

Renamed · 09/01/2026 11:47

This is an adult man. If he has determined that he needs to take up abusing you where his father left off, he is in very serious need of help - but needs that to be independent of his family. He needs to be away from you for both your sakes. You will have to kick him out.

takealettermsjones · 09/01/2026 11:47

MJEBinAthens · 09/01/2026 11:45

Can’t you involve the rest of the family and just talk this out in a public setting like a restaurant or something in order to keep tensions low? Also I think he needs some counselling….

Are you serious? He calls her a whore and poisons her dog so she takes him out for a nice meal?

Piknik · 09/01/2026 11:50

ZookeeperSE · 09/01/2026 11:44

There isn't a 'lack of understanding'.
In fact, quite the opposite for me, given my childhood.

but she didn't leave - you can add in the I'm not blaming her all you like, but it's irrelevant, that is exactly what you are doing. Her son was exposed to an abusive bully because the abusive bully chose to be one, not because of all of the complicated reasons victims of DA do not leave the environment. And even if OP had left, the father would have had access to the children anyway, who is to say the abuse wouldn't have actually been worse for them without the shield of the OP there?

And now we're all horrified that at least one of them is repeating the cycle.....
This is offensive to those of us who have grown up with abuse and have not repeated the cycle, nothing anywhere near like it, in fact. It is not an inevitability. Because we are all autonomous, adult, human beings who can make our own choices in our adult life.

but he still needs help and compassion And he can seek those out, on his own, as other adults do - neither of those things have to come from the OP who deserves a life free from abuse from her adult son.

Show quote history

You are speaking to me like I haven't lived the experience.

I am sorry for what you went though, but there is a definite lack of equating the childhood with the adult on this thread. And I can 100 percent not blame OP for staying and still say that there are consequences to that.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/01/2026 11:50

Get him out of your house asap. You’ve tried talking to him. You need to take the next step.

Frugalgal · 09/01/2026 11:51

Sheshell · 09/01/2026 09:58

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

You brought him up in a home where his role models were a male abuser and a female who subjugated herself and her kids to his abuse for decades.
Are you surprised he has turned out like this? It has been programmed into him and he is going to subject women to the same treatment throughout his life.

You are still questioning where you are unreasonable to protect yourself from more abuse.

Get him out.

And think very carefully about the new guy and for god's sake, take notice of any red flags he shows you. These abusers can smell women who will be vulnerable to their sick controlling ways from miles off and as you said, your first abuser acted normal for 15 years.

MJEBinAthens · 09/01/2026 11:52

I’m not saying take him out for a meal! I’m saying to tell him that his behaviour is wrong, with back up in a public place so he won’t kick off! Honestly, I don’t understand why someone would suddenly start this behaviour (presuming up to then he was ok…)? If it’s a new development then it could possible be nipped in the bud…

Bluebells84 · 09/01/2026 11:52

OP please give woman’s aid a call. It is more common than we like to think or admit, that a child can be abusive to a parent. It comes with different feelings and is complicated to process, but you must get some support to stand up to this or you will end up in the same position as you were previously, just a different perpetrator.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, there is no excuse for his behaviour and he needs to be held accountable and to get out of your house, where he goes from there is up to him. This is not your fault.

Wishing you the best of luck x

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:53

I would not hesitate to get him out of your house.

I think the big question is, HOW do you do this practically? You obviously can't throw him out in the snow, so we need to figure out where would he go? I wonder if it's worth speaking to the CAB or Police or Social workers for advice?

Or maybe find a house share (that you know he could afford). I'd even be tempted to pay the first months rent there, get the keys, and then when he's at work, move all his stuff there. Change your locks and then give him a key to his new place, inside an envelope with a letter explaining why you feel that there is no alternative. Be sure to mention that you have endured years of abuse, and cannot take any more, and that his attempt to poison the dog was the last straw. If he starts banging the door, call Police.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2026 11:53

Sheshell · 09/01/2026 10:12

I've pointed out the disrespect but I just get no response.

Show quote history

It's not disrespect

It's abuse

Don't put up with it again

Ygfrhj · 09/01/2026 11:54

He was a little boy whose parents failed to protect him from abuse. He might be able to unlearn these behaviours but it needs self-awareness, therapy and time.

I verbally abused my first partner as a young adult because that's all I'd seen in childhood. Now I know better but it took a lot of reflection and hard work to break the cycle.

In the meantime you need to protect yourself. Kick him out.

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:54

Thinking about this, it might be hard to arrange a house share, without him signing for it himself.

Pay for 2 weeks in a travel lodge and he can use that time to sort out accommodation??

YorksMa · 09/01/2026 11:54

Sheshell · 09/01/2026 11:05

I've already done all this. I've apologised for me being 'absent' during the breakdown. I've acknowledged I should have left. I've offered help. Told him I love him no matter what but it has to stop.
It's changed nothing.

Show quote history

You are not responsible for his abuse. It's not like he's 12. His abuse of you is horrific and the animal abuse makes it worse and even more worrying in terms of what he could do next. Please protect yourself and your innocent dog. Call the police for help getting him out, call Women's Aid, call whoever you need to, but please make yourself safe in your own home. I think the years of abuse you have already suffered have made you a little bit 'desensitised' (don't know if that' s the right word) to how truly shocking and scary his behaviour is.

loislovesstewie · 09/01/2026 11:55

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:54

Thinking about this, it might be hard to arrange a house share, without him signing for it himself.

Pay for 2 weeks in a travel lodge and he can use that time to sort out accommodation??

He's not paid any keep to the grand total of £3000. He can fund himself.

FeedingPidgeons · 09/01/2026 11:56

OriginalSkang · 09/01/2026 10:03

Fucking hell. Get him out today

This 100%

This is domestic abuse. Immediate eviction.

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