Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

Sling him out. Live for yourself now.

Legally you need to evict him. You need to serve him with an eviction and then you can use the law to prevent his return and it will also mean that the local authority will have an obligation to find him accommodation. May be horrible accommodation but he will have a roof of some kind over his head.
Just telling him to get out is just starting a personal war.

You had the most awful time with your husband. It took years and years of your life - “living” with him, nursing him, recovering from the bereavement.

Do not allow your son to take more years of your life. Get him out immediately. The social will house him somewhere - it won’t be great but he won’t he on the streets. You’ve raised him to adulthood. It’s his turn to fend for himself now.

please don’t let these men destroy any more years of your life.

How dare your son take you back to that place of fear.
If he doesn't leave when you tell (not ask), then you need to get the police involved.
Sadly, some of his behaviour will be learnt and he knows what you will or have tolerated in the past.
This is your chance of life and being you. Being able to breathe and think without fear or repercussion is your right.
This will only get worse if he stays and has the chance to trample all over you.
The fact that you said all of your other children are girls and unable to help merely highlights your son to be the nasty piece of work he is.
I wish you strength. You can do it.

What an absolute piece of shit. His stuff would be outside when he came back and the locks---- changed.

Why on earth should she keep him a secret? She's been widowed for 3 years, her son is not a child. If it was my Mum I'd be over the moon for her.

Aa another PP has said, you need to tell the police everything but first they need to help get him out of your house TODAY, possibly with a restraining order. I know he’s your son but lives are at immediate risk now, not just your dog’s but yours, your child at home. Don’t delay, it’s already gone too far.

Just change the locks , bag up his stuff, and alert the police / DV agencies in your area. They are very good.

of course it’s a tough thing to do, but it will calm down when the dust settles.

its worth repeating, your son won’t be on the streets. He will be in temp accommodation or some kind of emergency hostel.

you raised him to adulthood. You can’t continue to provide all his material needs. He has to take responsibility for himself

No she does not. He is a bare licensee. Unless his name is on a tenancy agreement or deeds to the house he has no rights to remain. His situation is that while his mother gives him permission to live in the property he is permitted to stay. In other words he is not trespassing. Once she withdraws that right, as she can at any time, he has to leave. His behavior is such that she is within her rights to give immediate notice. That is the correct legal advice.

OP this must be so overwhelming.

Please call an emergency locksmith and get the locks that he has keys for changed.

Also, please call the non-emergency police and log what he has done to you and how you want to throw him out so the behaviour and abuse cannot continue but you are worried his behaviour will escalate.

There is a known correlation with people who hurt animals and escalating violent behaviours. Please please seek police support to throw him out/ get his actions logged.

It doesn't matter that he is your child: he is an adult man who is perpetuating abusive behaviours. Calling you a whore, withholding money owed, smearing faecal matter and poisoning your dog are escalating acts of aggression against you.

I am worried that you won't be safe if there is any warning to him about being kicked out.

If he was doing this to a girlfriend it would be considered domestic abuse. This needs to be logged for your sake and any future interactions with potential partners.

This behaviour is not ok...it's criminal.

He probably needs help, but the OP needs safety and that means getting him out of the house.

This is the horror of coercive control, it rubs off on the DC, esp the DS, who think that's how a marriage works and how you treat the women in your life. OP must resist him and make him leave, though he does need help because he is a danger to any woman he has a relationship with, so he needs challenging on what he is doing and saying. Poisoning the dog is the last straw btw.

Contact the police (101) and explain you need help getting your son to leave the house. Ask for their advice. You could also try Women's Aid but there's often a long wait for a call back.

I personally think you should report your son to the police, but I understand that might not feel right to you. You can still get advice from the police without reporting him.

Either way, you need him out of the house. Change the locks. Take police advice on how to stay safe. If he tries to kick the door in, call 999 right away. Do any of your daughters have a male partner? Could you get your daughter and partner to stay for a couple of days while you change the locks and secure the house etc?

I appreciate pp saying your son needs help, and that may be true, but that's a discussion for another day. Right now, you need him away from you so that you and your dog can be safe.

My father abused my mother, I didn’t learn how to abuse

This is a terrible way to behave. You really must get help to deal with him. It's not good enough to say your other children are not in a position to help. Some if not all of them need to recognise the need to step up, come to the house and speak for you and with you to this abuser and tell him he has to leave.

His behaviour is such that you must report to the police and ask for their assistance to get him out - tell them the things he has done that are a threat to your wellbeing and to your dog. Some of those are probably arrestable offences on their own, let alone reason to get him out. You could also ask if someone from Victim Support could come round, preferably a man, as the sight of a male presence on its own may have an effect.

He can go to the Council if he is made homeless - or he could call on some of the siblings to step in and give him temporary shelter. You have been through awful abuse for so many years and cannot go through the same thing again. There is no excuse for it and you must not go on putting up with it. Be more demanding with your family and services like the police. Prioritise yourself and your need for a peaceful life and enjoyment of your home.

Agree 100% with pps:

• you need to get him out of your house as soon as you safely can
• ask women's aid for help and advice
• tell your daughters so they can protect themselves from him
• and call the RSPCA. He needs to be shamed.
• every day this continues will be trauma for your daughter and is a risk to your dog's life - not to mention the damage to you

It sounds like you've also been isolated as an abuse tactic by your ex, if you have no male friend, neighbour or family member that you can ask to be there and back you up.

What about a female friend with her husband or partner? Failing that you could potentially get IRL support from someone on Mumsnet who's in your area. I will happily help if you are anywhere near South Devon.

Adult men whose abusive behaviour is excused due to their trauma only become worse. He is an adult man behaving abusively towards you. Get him out of your house and do not hesitate to call the police.

This.

Someone very close to me witnessed some terrible things. When his father died he was 19. He did not become his mother's next abuser.

wouldnt it be quicker and safer for OP ( and , her child & dog( to call police to get him out today ?!

There is absolutely no hiding the fact that both you and his dad have turned him into the man he is today.

How do you expect someone to be emotionally healthy when they have been raised in an environment that literally changes their brain pattern.
There is a reason that DV is classed as child abuse, even if it’s not directed at them.

You’ve got out, healed and found new happiness - whilst he is scarred for life and on top on that his dad has died.
He is also having to admit his own failures in his relationship (not helped by you or did dad).
I can absolutely see why he’s angry.

But most importantly, he is so worried about you and he would rather do whatever he can to see you single than risk having you in another abusive relationship.

However, that absolutely does not excuse his behaviour.
He may never be perfect and will likely always struggle with relationships but he’s old enough to know right from wrong.

Tell him that he is too old to be acting this way and that you were excited to have him back home to live.
Tell him that just because you’re a mum, does not stop you from being a person and wanting friends.
Tell him that if his behaviour continues then he can go and find somewhere else to live.

Kindly, I would be concerned for you too.
Your husband only died 3 years ago and before that you were in a very controlling and abusive relationship.
You may not recognise what a healthy relationship is and so although I would continue seeing this man, I wouldn’t rush things and definitely don’t make any plans to move in together for a couple more years at least.

And his mother should just put up with his vile ways ? She is not safe with him in the house.

Just sending you some love. I am sorry you have had such difficulties to deal with.

your son is an adult and will not learn less abusive behaviour if you tolerate it. For your sake and his, you need to protect yourself with strong boundaries and remove him from your environment for as long as he continues to behave so poorly.

You definitely deserve better, but he also needs to make better choices if he to have any decent relationships with women. Don’t tolerate any of this; he is a grown man making adult choices.

He’s your new abuser.

Get him out. Pack his stuff and change your locks if need be.

You deserve so much more than this ❤️

You've been abused for a long time and finally found yourself again - this is your time to be free and you deserve happiness. Don't let your son take over where his dad left off.

He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before.

Disrepect is not saying please or thank you. This man sounds like he has serious, potentially dangerous, mental health issues. Get a friend with you - preferably more than one- and tell him he needs to seek help but in the meantime he needs to leave immediately.