Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

This. I had similar experience as part of my work - retired now - but the patronising and blatantly victim blaming tone of some of the replies is appalling. Whatever is at the root of his problems, it does not excuse the abuse of his mother. His behaviour has escalated to harming OP’s dog. He’s a clear threat. OP needs to involve the police and have him removed.

I’m mindful that three years isn’t very long to recover from the trauma caused by years of abuse, but OP is the one best placed to decide whether or not she is ready for another relationship, and she doesn’t need to be judged for trying to move on with her life.

He's clearly a very damaged young man, but understanding that doesn't mean you (or the poor dog) should be his punchbag.

I would actually call the police about this level of abuse going on in a home, but I think it's probably wiser to contact Refuge and ask for advice, because they are much more knowledgeable about these things.

Where did OP say that her late DH was violent ? She didn’t. Abuse takes many forms and from her updates, there seems to be more of an element of coercive control and isolation from outsiders. OP doesn’t need to be lectured as to the effect on her DS - she’s living it.

I would agree with all of that. I'm sure OP did the best job she could have given the circumstances and given that it was 35 odd years ago when DV did not have the amount of focus it does now.

Why?
Op has said he works, therefore he has money and can sort something for himself

You must put yourself first now, you have been more than caring to your son and you were to his dad. You're not a whote, for goodness sakes. It's perfectly normal and natural to desire a decent relationship and if anyone deserves that, you do.

Your son has to leave, he's a grown man. No doubt he'll find another partner - will anyone accuse him of being a tart? No, they'll pat him on the back.

I can foresee difficulties in you persuading him to go. Enlist help if you need to but go he must. Perhaps you can help him find a place, make some lists on Rightmove. It shouldn't be too difficult unless he is very fussy and whatever place he finds doesn't have to be forever.

You mentioned other children, confide in them about their brother's behaviour and they will back you even if they don't have physical power. Hopefully he will not need to be physically ejected.

Good luck! This could be your year, Sheshell.

He has to go and he needs therapy.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this from your son.

He is abusing you, following in his fathers footsteps. You say the children did not see the abuse, but believe me they would have known. It sounds like his every action was abusive, and I bet everything he said to you was a put down. You cannot hide that 24/7. The fact that your own son has said you are a whore just like dad said tells you everything you need to know. You cannot sit down and work it out with someone like this. Even if your new relationship ends tomorrow, you need to get your son out asap. However you need to do it. Seek advice from police/womens aid and so on if you are too scared to ask him to go. Please don't waste your life. You have done/are doing nothing wrong! His behaviour is cruel, nasty and totally unacceptable, and worse , you are his DM! The person he should cherish most in the world.

Firstly, you need to call police 101 today and tell them about his behaviour. Not tomorrow, today.
He’s physically abused your poor dog, you cannot be sure his behaviour wont escalate. You need to form a plan of action and put it into place asap. Don’t tell him you want him to leave beforehand, that may make the situation dangerous to you.
You must get him out of your house as soon as possible.

He learned to be an abuser from your husband but he could have used the lesson to go down a different path.

He needs to leave.

If OP owns and decided to do this DS would need to sign paperwork to say he agrees . ..

Get him out OP and focus on yourself. You have come so far do not allow hi to drag you back down, your son or not.
May I ask the reasons behind his breakup? Was or is there any chance of DV in his relationship?
Regardless of the answer to that he has no right to treat you like this and as an adult it's high time he stood on his own 2 feet he is acting like a spoilt little brat.

Some of the things he has done are downright childness but they are also quite twisted for an adult to do if I'm honest. I'd be quite concerned about how far he will go with this if he doesn't get his own way. I would be packing his bags and getting him out and changing the locks once he's gone. I don't agree about the DF teaching him all of this either, yes as a child and yes it would have been horrific for him and I'm sure has left wounds BUT he is an adult and he knows right from wrong.

Sorry but your son is a twat.

He has a job, he's an adult and he needs to face the consequences of his behaviour.

Speak to the police and womens aid, he may not be your husband but he is an adult man who is abusing you in your own home.

Kick him out immediately, you do not have to put up with this. God know what his partner was enduring before his relationship ended.

It sounds like your son might have the same difficult personality as your husband. Where was he before ? Cant he go back there. He needs counselling.

Get him out of your house as soon as possible and keep a log of everything he does in case you need to involve the police. It’s not your problem he has nowhere to go he’s a grown man that’s his problem. Don’t waste any more years putting up with anything but the best. Get the police and ask them to escort him out then change your locks, why are you putting up with this, grow a backbone.

Why? He does not own the property. He has no more rights to live there than any of us do. She tells him to go today, he goes, it's up to her what she does in respect of the property then.

I suspected that this was the case. Emotional and psychological abuse is designed to break your spirit and gaslight you into believing that you are the problem. Once you’re isolated and worn down, the physical violence starts. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and even sorrier for some of the comments you’ve endured here. You absolutely must get your DS out of your home OP. The fact that he has harmed the dog is a sign of escalation and he’s a threat to you. You need police intervention to ensure he leaves your home with no harm to yourself or anyone else there.

At a minimum you need to remove the dog from the home until he's gone. Send him.to a sitter or kennels. He can't defend himself.

You cannot excuse, accept or overlook your son's abusive behaviour any longer. You are enabling him to become an abuser of women (which will reflect in his romantic relationships too) and animals.

If course he has to leave. His mum and any siblings at home are not safe with him there. I hope he also seeks help.

Technically they are right. Anyone over the age of 18 who is resident when the house is sold, has to sign to say they will vacate the premises when the sale is completed. If they refuse it can take much longer to sell and even result in a sale falling through because an eviction order takes time. I wouldn’t let it get that far anyway. It can take months to sell a house and he represents an immediate threat to OP. Police intervention to get him to leave is what’s needed here.

He needs to leave. Out, now, and locks changed.

Personally, I would contact the police for the attempt to poison the dog, and to make them very aware of his abuse should it escalate.

He needs to leave. Now it’s time for you to have peace and tranquility and choices.
You are right, they do sometimes put on rose-tinted spectacles once the abusers have died. I’ve recently had to cut ties with a close family member who views our mother with those glasses and actually began using the same words and phrases as our mother used towards me. I had prayed that we were past all that but it came out of the blue and I realised she was just perpetuating the same-old. I won’t be a part of that, it’s taken nigh on a lifetime to get rid of all those shadows and I won’t go back.

At best he’s a lodger, not a tenant so OP doesn’t need to do any of this. She can simply ask him to leave and if he doesn’t she can ask the police to help in getting him to do so because he’s abusive.

It's what happens when you have adult family members living at home and selling via an estate agent
Bonkers but it's a fact

OP isn’t enabling anything. She’s suffered years of abuse at the hands of her DH and now the same is happening at the hands of her DS. This is not OP’s fault and telling her she’s enabling it isn’t helpful, to say the least.