Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

Get him out. You were abused by your husband for years now you are being abused by his son. I know it will hurt you but he needs to go; he cannot treat you like this. I would also be very worried about any future partners of his but there really is nothing you can do about it. Please protect yourself and give your new relationship a chance. You deserve happiness.

You don't need to serve an eviction order or notice in the circumstances where he is not a tenant as defined in law with strict requirements for eviction. He is in a different category of occupier which has few legal or formal rights and he can be told to leave with short or even no notice, depending on the particular circumstances. Circumstances include the conduct of the occupier; in his case the conduct is intolerable: abusive, possibly criminal and dangerous to owner and threatening to dog. Even with that, he can still go to the Council for emergency housing if made homeless.

Most of the abuse was emotional and psychological. Violence came later when my son had moved out. I never cried in front of them. Only once on his third attemp to kill me did any children see 'marks'. Also son was about 9 or 10 when it started.

I completely agree with you that he has no right to act like this and interfere with her personal life but recognising why he’s acting like this is ok and it’s exactly what a therapist would do too, which I agree he needs.

Behaviour is a form of communication.

Its not excusing his behaviour to try and understand why he is acting this way.

If a puppy was raised in an unbalanced home, surrounded by violence and abuse for years - that dog is likely going to have behavioural issues and possibly be aggressive itself.

There is absolutely no way I would have an aggressive dog in my home, especially if I had kids but understanding why it’s aggressive is ok and if I was the owner who raised it in this environment then I would need to not downplay how my actions have played a role.

I would not put up with DS’s behaviour and I would never excuse it but I understand it.

he is working and doesn't pay rent he can pay for a hostel. he won't be sleeping on the streets.

He’s 24 and presumably with no learning difficulty so I think that although his fathers’ example was clearly terrible, DS shouldn’t get a free pass to be an abuser because of it. He needs to get help to process his feelings, instead of which he’s abusing his mother in her own home. He has to leave.

You lost me at dog poo on your stairs. Tough love. Kick him out. He’s abusive.

He’s a grown man who is choosing to act in an abusive way towards his mother. That is appalling.

Yes OP should have kicked the abusive husband out to protect herself and the children but I guess she just didn’t have the strength at the time after years of being ground down. But to just expect her to continue to take abuse from a grown man living for free in her home is very odd.

I agree with this. If you don’t get him out then he will abuse you until the day you die. You don’t deserve this. Get the locks changed and put his things in bags outside. Tell him to go somewhere else. He is a grown man not a small child, he will be fine. You deserve better.

Can I say that when I used to volunteer for a DV charity, I met with all sorts of women in difficult circumstances and not at one point did I feel that it was appropriate to lecturer or patronise them on the damage the relationship had not only done to themselves and also their children. Of course it's obvious her where he son has picked up his behaviour.

If there are issues that you need to address about your childhood with abusive parents then you need to speak to a counsellor instead of lecturing this poor woman who has spent a good chunk of life living in misery and is now trying to find a way forward.

Agree. But there is a difference between understanding the behaviour and attributing it to OP’s inability to leave an abusive relationship. Many women can’t leave and if you read OP’s updates it seems that the abuse was more coercive control than violence - which is much harder to deal with because the first thing the abuser does is to isolate the victim from everyone else in their life, and in many cases physical abuse follows.

DS moved out because he had his own relationship. He only moved back in with OP because that broke up. I’d really like to know why the relationship failed because if his behaviour had anything to do with it, then it completely blows out of the water the notion that it was only brought on by OP seeing the new man.

He’s now not paying OP anything for his keep because she’s seeing this man, and owes her a significant amount of money. Whatever is at the root of his problems this is utterly unacceptable and it signals an escalation. I think OP should be contacting the police to engage their help in getting him to leave. He’s working, so he won’t be destitute.

God almighty. You're really doing that "why didn't she just leave?" thing, aren't you

Wow, the victim blaming is strong in this one. Many people grow up in abusive households and don't become abusers - I know that for sure! He is not a child, he's a grown man. These are his own choices and his victim does not have to support him in making them.

You need help and so does he.
I don't think it's as simple as putting his stuff outside and changing the locks - you don't know what he might do next. I hope you can get advice on dealing with this situation - can Women's Aid or police help?

There is a lot of abuse going on in this age group. I had a financially abusive situation last year from my ds. I gave him notice.

The best thing for your son is for you to demonstrate clear, firm and unequivocal boundaries. It's unacceptable that he calls you names, or poisoned a pet. Absolutely unacceptable. If you choose not to call the police, then at the least, he needs to leave.

You can tell him, later, once you are safe and things are very defined, that you can repair the relationship and are willing to listen when he is willing to talk. But the first and most important step is a firm, clear 'no' to him acting like this and treating you, or anyone, like this.

It may seem negative, but in fact I suggest that it will be most likely to help him in the long run. He needs to know that right and wrong matter, and that he is capable of making better choices, and on a deep level, he needs to know that you are his parent, authority figure, and capable of protecting him - even from himself, if necessary (subconsciously, what he needs is to feel safe).

He is perhaps capable of changing and undoubtedly needs support/therapy to address his abusive impulses, but that is not your responsibility. Your first responsibility is to yourself, and your other children.

Also, gently, 3 years is a short time after extended years of abuse and complex grief/bereavement. Please go slowly and be gentle with yourself.

The apple has not fallen far from the tree here!

I understand that he is your son, that you love him and that his childhood has deeply damaged him, but you cannot leave yourself open to a cycle of abuse towards you starting again.

He needs to be gone immediately. Gather up his belongings put them out in the street and change your locks then message him and tell him what you've done. Do not hesitate to inform the police if he kicks off. Don't agree to see him again on your own.

Him trying to poison your dog is surely the final straw and actually I'd be reporting that to the police just to give him a bit of a warning as to where things are going for him if he continues this vile intolerable behaviour.

Agree. The victim blaming generally is appalling. That this poster is advocating OP support her son clearly indicates that they have no experience in this area. First rule of therapy. You do not attend therapy with your abuser, and you do not seek to support them in excusing their behaviour.

Kick him out , sell out and move away ! You wasted your life to your abusive husband and your son is doing the same as his dad and abusing you ! Call the police and kick him out now . Not in a week or a month . Abuse is abuse !

But at some point someone needs to just say enough's enough. Should the OP just let him stay and let things escalate? She has a DD living at home. It's an incredibly tough decision precisely because the OP feels so guilty and you're just making her feels worse; like she has to live in misery for the rest of her life because she didn't act in the 'correct' way when she was abused.

To be honest, it is difficult for me to imagine staying in that situation (so I know why you think she should have left) but the thing is, I have been in an abusive relationship (not as bad as OP's and he didn't live with me) and I know how I wanted to keep him close so I knew exactly where he was and what his mental state was. It's to try to keep control of the situation. If you leave, you're always wondering if they're plotting something and it sounds as if the OP's late H was threatening both her and her children so it isn't paranoia. That would make her want to stay and placate. The emotional load of trying to control all this would have caused the breakdown and the OP is very much at risk now of another breakdown and more serious illness from all the stress.

You deserve a life OP. You are not condemned to live in misery for the rest of your life because of this revolting man.

Totally agree- giving him additional time/warning would be inadvisable imo.

I hate to say this but it could just be him inheriting his father's genes. They've somehow "switched on" with adulthood. In which case there's not much you can do. My mother apologised till she was blue in the face, it hasn't made my brother any nicer. It doesn't matter how awful his childhood was, as an adult, he's responsible for his own actions. I'm so sorry for you, please get him to leave.

There is no legal requirement for eviction in the legal sense- if not a joint tenant/joint owner/on deeds or any written agreement he is classed as an excluded occupier and does not have rights of due eviction process.

You say you've no adult male to help, will your new man not help?
You can't continue to live in fear, your son needs to go, regardless. Perhaps he could stay with a sibling for a while.
Or can you move in with your bloke and leave your son to it?

What does any of this have to do with what is happening now? Right now, the OP is at risk of being hurt or killed by her son. As is her pet and anybody else living in the house. That is the issue right now if statistics are anything to go by. The whys and wherefores are utterly irrelevant. She cannot spend her time wringing her hands over the past when she is in danger now.

If a car was speeding at you would you stand there and contemplate why it was speeding at you and what you may or may not have done to put yourself in that situation or would you jump out of the damn way? What is wrong with people?