Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

I would never hurt a dog ever.

But when I was a teen I absolutely called my mum a whore and worse.

I also set her car on fire and smashed her windows.

It was stupid but she barely survived the last time my dad had got hold of her and so when I found out she was planning on picking him up so he can move back in I did whatever I could to try and stop it.

Children who were raised in abusive homes have PTSD and their brains work differently.

That is no excuse for DS’s behaviour as he’s old enough to know right from wrong but it is ok and not victim blaming to try and understand why OP dating has triggered him so much.

The poster absolutely was blaming the victim. Read it and actually understand what’s being said. He’s an adult and the reasons behind the abuse do not in any way, shape or form explain or excuse him treating OP in this way. OP is being told by that poster that her behaviour has contributed towards the treatment he is now dishing out. What’s that if not victim blaming ? She was abused herself and clearly didn’t have the means to leave. You do the best you can with what you have at the time. Her DS is an adult and old enough to take responsibility for his actions.

Get the nasty little shit out asap before he does worse to your poor dog. Absolute wee psycho.

OP, I was in a similar situation (maybe even more ridiculous, I left AND came back when he needed care) and my DD didn’t grow up to be an abusive monster, so as much as it could be a trauma response it’s still on him. He learned this behaviour from his father and instead of becoming a better person he’s just perpetuating it.

He needs to go. At 24 he should know better, this isn’t a teenager acting out.

So you missed the bit where OP said he had moved out previously and only returned because his relationship broke up ? I wonder why that was. OP isn’t throwing him out because he’s an inconvenience to her, it’s because he’s a threat. He may well have learned to be an abuser at the hands of his father, but it’s absolutely not down to OP to tolerate more abuse or try to support her abuser.

I protected my son over and over. My husband threatened with detailed plans how he would kill my family and children if I left. My children did not EVER witness his violence until they were adults themselves. My son did not grow up witnessing this stuff. I protected him from that until I had a breakdown and was at that time mentally ill.

To throw the son out now because the consequences of her past decisions are inconvenient for her new life is appalling.

Everyone has to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives at some point. When they start injuring innocent animals, that point has more than arrived.

By that logic, he’s also an adult and responsible for his actions.

He must leave if he is working he can pay for emergency accommodation. Ask the police for advice if they can be there to keep the peace when you tell him if you feel unsafe. When at a safe distance you tell him his father's impact has negatively impacted him and suggest he speaks therapy. That will either be the catalyst to his change or he will continue his path but it must be separate to yours

I haven't RTWT, but OP I would get advice from Women's Aid and from the police on 101 on how to safely get him out of your house. He's a grown male who is abusing you and you are vulnerable if he gets violent. You need to get him out asap, but you also need to do it safely. Good luck

In your shoes, I wouldn't hesitate to involve the Police.

This man is dangerous, your son or not. If he can harm an innocent animal who has done nothing to him, how far would he be willing to go to harm you once you stand up to him.

It would appear that your only options to get him out are to involve the police, or perhaps to actually move house (if you own). Sell it, and on moving day let the new owners call the police to kick him out.
A bit drastic, but what else can a woman do when she physically can't get a grown man to leave her house?

Put all his belongings in bags outside your property. But not before you have changed the locks

It may feel different to what your "D"P put you through, because he is your son, but this is domestic abuse, plain and simple. You raised him in to adulthood, putting his needs first, but this responsibility no longer exists. He needs to leave and NOW. Please call Women's Aid and/or the police (who will have specialist officers to deal with the situation).

Hi op your past has been bloody awful and you have every right to be happy if he doesn’t listen to you could you get the police involved just to scare him he’s only 24 so it might work but do not give up your new man for him. IF he hadn’t had his break up he wouldn’t even be there. Don’t do anything for him washing his clothes cooking for him do not lift a finger for him whatsoever. Op just let him get over himself and when he does the stupid stuff just tell him straight your so much like your dad abusive,& controlling no wonder you are mad at me you now want to take his place. I really hoped you would turn out to be a good man but obviously not and if it ever turns physical call the police and change the locks do not go through another abusive relationship with a 24 year old son or not. He has absolutely no fucking right to treat you like shit.

Op this is tragic and it's unfortunately the legacy your husband has left. Your husband has taught your son this is what a man is, this is what relationships are meant to be like, this is how you handle your emotions- by abusing.

If your son was a child my response would be very different, but he's not. He's a grown man and his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. And you are still bowing to abuse by tolerating it from him, just as you tolerated it from his dad (though I understand the reasons why). As he's an adult the window for forcing him to engage in support has closed. He's now responsible for doing that himself.

All you can do now is tell him to get out, that you spent years being abused by his dad and that was wrong and you will not tolerate it from him. I'd give him to the end of the week and if he lashes out then he goes immediately. If he were to stay then you need a complete behaviour overhaul and meaningful engagement in counselling/mediation and a repayment plan and he'd be out the second he goes back to old habits. At the end of the day, irregardless of the WHY, he is abusive. And you cannot heal from what you've been through while still being abused. And honestly, I think the best kindness you can actually do for him is give him the wake up that this is not actually what women are there for. That this will not actually be tolerated.

OP’s situation is completely different - she wasn’t moving her abuser back in, she was moving on with her life, as her DS had done until his own relationship broke up. He has absolutely no right to interfere with how his mother chooses to live her life after what she’s been through - he’s not triggered, he’s a bully whose presence in her home is a direct threat to her. He needs to work through his issues with a therapist, not in his mothers’ home while making her life a misery.

Kindly, no you didn’t.

I understand how it’s difficult for women to leave but you cannot dismiss how much your kids were aware of the abuse.

You cannot live with a man that you are so afraid to leave in case he kills you or the kids, be physically and emotionally abused so much so that you could not physically leave and say that your kids were unaware.

How could they not witness his violence when they lived in the same home?
They must have heard it.

You couldn’t even go and put the washing out or brush your hair.

They were all fully aware of this and it would have affected their developing child brains much more than your fully developed adult brain.

You cannot downplay the affect of being raised in this environment.

However, that only explains your sons behaviour - it does not excuse it.

He either acts in a certain way and follows the rules or he moves out.

I would not have him in my home for another night if he hurt my dog.

He needs to ring the council and say he’s been kicked out.
If they expect him to sleep rough then I’d allow him to stay a few more days but I’d keep my dog somewhere else until he’d left.

OP, you are an amazingly strong woman.

Your son is abusive, and his behaviour to the dog is alarming and may be the start of worse.

There will be time to think about how to love and parent your son in the future. For now, you need to be safe for yourself and your other children.

Get him out today, and start putting your life back together in safety.

Get therapy through a domestic violence charity, and start thinking about how to look after yourself and also care for all your children, not putting your son’s needs above your daughters’.

In the meantime, as others have said, be very wary of the new man you have met. Your framing of your son’s abuse as “disrespect” suggests you have not healed enough yet for your boundaries to be in a healthy place. You are still vulnerable, and predators can sniff that a mile away. While you are on this journey, keep this man at arm’s length, and don’t move in with him or in any way become dependent on him.

Good luck!

Thank God that many children grow up in this kind of environment without becoming abusers themselves. But some do, and in this case OP's son's behaviour so closely resembles his dad's that it is very likely he learnt it from him. It is the son's responsibility to find a better way of behaving but not his fault that he was given such a bad example of how to be a man.

I know it must have affected him but surely he'd know that putting dog poo on stairs and trying to make the dog ill is wrong. The OP's other children don't behave like this.

I think OP for the sake of your DD (who's already been through a lot) you need to get him out of your house. I do tend to think that kids shouldn't be labelled as it forms their identity and you end up in a feedback loop, but in this case it seems to me that there's a genetic component at play. Hurting animals is a sign of ASPD. Lots of people are traumatised and don't abuse humans or animals.

Nowhere in OP’s posts did she say that the abuse was violent. Abuse takes many forms and although I agree that to a certain extent DS must have witnessed and been affected by it, we don’t know how much, or even what type of abuse occurred. It may have been more coercive control than inflicting physical violence. In any case, at the age of 24 it’s up to her DS to get himself some help to work through his issues. This is not on OP, you do not attend therapy or provide support to your abuser. Which is what he is, regardless of the circumstances.

I would ask the rest of your adult children to come over and assist you in asking him to leave.

pack his things when he is out at work, you cannot allow yourself to be subject to abuse again.

He is leaving poo in your home, calling you slurs and trying to harm your pet. He is intimidating you and financially abusive in refusing to pay. say this to him clearly, remind him he is your son and you love him, but refuse to be subject to the terror ever again. You are disappointed that he is choosing to treat you like this, but he no longer welcome to stay.

If he doesn't leave today, you will call the police to remove him.