DP telling me now he dated someone else

[leeleean]

I’m probably making a mountain out of a mole hill here but I’m unreasonably mad!

Me and DP dated for about a year. It never got really serious due to him being manic with his job and kids. We were exclusive though. After a year, and out of the blue, he text me to say that he was ending things as he didn’t really have enough free time and it wasn’t progressing how he hoped.

Five months later and he text asking for a chat. We met up and he apologised, said he wanted to make a proper go of it. I agreed. I asked him if he’d dated anyone in between and he said no.

It’s now been 18 months and we’ve not long got engaged. We were having a chat yesterday about exes, and he told me he had dated someone while we were apart.

Now I know technically he hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’m absolutely fuming! One because he lied the first time, and two because he dumped me for not having enough free time but managed to find time to date someone else.

Would anyone else be upset? I’m trying hard to contain it as I’m know I’m being unfair, but 😤😤

It sounds like he dumped you to go out with someone else and then that didn’t work out. He wasn’t honest. Are you ok with that?

He claims he met her on dating app about 2 months after we went our separate ways, but who knows!

I’d put my house on it

It's the lying that is the problem.
He has shown you he is not an honest person.
I wouldn't be able to trust him. Because people are either liars or they are not. So if he lied about this he can lie about anything.

He claims he didn’t tell me that he hadn’t dated anyone, but I’m 90% sure he did.

If he contacted you five months after breaking up and he met her two months after it sounds more like he was seeing someone and it was nothing of any significance. I agree it’s the dishonesty, but my god I think so many men would do the exact same, to avoid the (what they would call) the headache.

I think I would want to know why he felt the need to tell you now. Was it spontaneous, did he just not feel right going into an engagement with a lie between you? Did you have nagging suspicions and winkle it out of him? I generally don’t give second chances to people who lie to me. How do you feel about it?

We were talking about past relationships and I asked him if he had dated anyone when we were apart and he said yes. I was expecting him to say no as I’m pretty certain I asked him 18 months ago. I feel upset and angry, but we weren’t together so technically he’s done nothing wrong!

Was it just for sex though? As in he didn’t feel able to commit enough time to you but didn’t just want to use you for sex, but didn’t mind casual sex with someone he wasn’t emotionally attached to?

I’d struggle to trust someone who behaved like that. He thought he could do better so left you, then found he couldn’t so you’re plan b.
The lying is the issue, and him obviously feeling guilty enough to tell you which is about making him feel better, not you. Does he even care how you feel now?
This behaviour indicates you’ll have more problems if you do marry and you’ll always have suspicions. Make of that what you wish.

No not just for sex, they were dating properly for a while.

I’d be livid too
if you’re sure you’ve already asked and he lied previously and now he’s saying he didn’t say he’d never dated anyone else in that that time he’s also gaslighting you . It’s clearly and understandably important to you so I’m sure you didn’t imagine that conversation .

That’s the thing - my memory is pretty bad at the best of times but I’m sure I asked him when we got back together!

It's a bit odd and I can see why you are unsettled.
If you had split up for other reasons it might not feel as bad but the fact you split due to him not having time for a relationship but then he had one with someone else would feel off.
But, as I type this, I wonder - did he date because he realised being single wasn't what he wanted & he tried something casual but that made him realise that actually he missed being with you & that you are the only one for him?

Have you expressed how you feel? And what is he saying & doing to reassure you?

That’s kind of what he’s said to me. I told him I’m mad and upset and that I know I’m unreasonable, and he apologised and said it’s ok for me to feel that way. But I’m still fuming 🤦‍♀️

I’d be really worried this was the situation. Do you think you can trust him OP?

I trust him completely and don’t believe there was an overlap. I just feel weird about the fact I’m marrying this person and had no idea they’d been with someone else when we were apart for those few months!

He lied to you about not seeing anyone while you were split up and now he’s gaslighting you by saying that he told you 🙄 that’s really concerning.

I’m wondering what suddenly freed up his time from manically working and looking after his kids, as it doesn’t seem like enough time has passed for his DC to have grown up and flown the nest; does he see them less? Do you look after them more?

Do you do more of the domestic labour which gives him more time?

I remember reading on here years ago that men almost never leave unless they have someone else lined up and I do think this has some merit. I agree with PP, he left you for her but it didn’t work out so he went back to you. Up to you if you’re ok with this.

He absolutely dumped you for her, it went tits up, he got back with you.

It's not worth falling out over. He was a free agent. There are lots of reasons why he might have chosen not to tell you.

I am on the cusp of getting back together with an ex (broadly a year apart) and I have no intention of telling him everything I did, dating-wise, in his absence. Nor have I any interest in hearing about his exploits.

Least said, soonest mended.

Unless you thought you were getting a virgin, does it really matter? Don't go pain shopping, OP!

And regardless of when or how he met her, he wasn’t using this spare time he’d suddenly discovered to get back with you. So yes, I’d be offended that he didn’t have time for you but had time to play the field. But maybe you’ve now been back together long enough to feel sure of each other?

I agree with this 100%

I agree with the don't go pain shopping option. You love and trust him enough and him you to have decided to get married. You're not totally sure if he ommited to tell you when you first got back together and at that time he was only just back with you so didn't know if it would work out. Like you, I would be upset that he broke off with you as too busy but found time for another but it was a shorter so presumably less time pressured relationship. Just enjoy your engagement.

Sounds like he ended it with you op just to shag someone else. so he didnt have the cheating guilt.

Not someone id want to be getting married to as i would not want to feel like second best, like being the fall back just in case it didnt work out with his first choice.

Or he is telling you the truth.
I`ll go with the first statement.