DP telling me now he dated someone else

[leeleean]

I’m probably making a mountain out of a mole hill here but I’m unreasonably mad!

Me and DP dated for about a year. It never got really serious due to him being manic with his job and kids. We were exclusive though. After a year, and out of the blue, he text me to say that he was ending things as he didn’t really have enough free time and it wasn’t progressing how he hoped.

Five months later and he text asking for a chat. We met up and he apologised, said he wanted to make a proper go of it. I agreed. I asked him if he’d dated anyone in between and he said no.

It’s now been 18 months and we’ve not long got engaged. We were having a chat yesterday about exes, and he told me he had dated someone while we were apart.

Now I know technically he hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’m absolutely fuming! One because he lied the first time, and two because he dumped me for not having enough free time but managed to find time to date someone else.

Would anyone else be upset? I’m trying hard to contain it as I’m know I’m being unfair, but 😤😤

All the people who are saying he dumped you to be with her then got back with you when it didn’t work out- how on earth do they know that? It seems some like to enjoy other people’s misery! Whilst it is a bit unsettling knowing he was with someone else for a while, he was free at the time (and unless there are reasons to doubt him, that’s what you may as well believe if you are staying together). I think you will get over this hurdle and hopefully have a good future. Obviously if he has any signs of cold feet or being too busy again, then you can end it should that happen. Good luck.

Exactly this
hedging is bets
the other one didn’t work out he came back to you making you second choice…..
and you’re ok with this and going to marry someone who you’re their second choice?

absolute madness

They were not married and had split up so he could do what he wanted and he did. The conversation has now found him out but unmarried separate people choose what they say - he could have lied again!

He dumped you via text when you'd been seeing each other a whole year?

That's a low act, I'm surprised you were willing to take him back after that.

It took me a good while to agree to meet him again after the way he ended things.

This won’t end well. Do yourself a favour and don’t waste time on him

I too would be very upset. But I would be more upset because I would be thinking what the first poster has posted on here and I’d hate to think I was the second option. I wouldn’t be able to move past that and I’d be asking him to redownload tinder so I could see when they matched.

But that’s just me. Only you know if you can move past that.

This.

He dumped you for what he thought was a better option.
If he didn't have time for you, he wouldn't have had time for the new girl. So that's BS.
It didn't work out, for whatever reason. He picked you back up again.
I'd be showing him the door.

After a year, and out of the blue, he text me to say that he was ending things
Yikes. How disrespectful. He thought so little of you that you weren't even worth a conversation.

he didn’t really have enough free time
And yet he had enough free time to find and date someone else?

I'm pretty sure (despite not knowing you personally) that you would have asked if he had dated anyone during those few months. Every single woman I know would have asked, and I also think if he had said yes you would have questioned him more and remembered those answers!

He's lied, he's disrespectful and very dismissive of your feelings (then and now). Is he like this over anything else? Does he listen and value your opinion on other things?

Edit - I also agree with other pp. He dumped you for her and she probably ditched him so he went back to you. I would be forever questioning whether I was first choice or not.

💯 this. Also the fact he ended things by text is unforgivable after dating for a year. I don't how you trust someone like him again.

It sounds like he dumped you, by text no less, for another woman and when that didn't work out, he came back to you. You were the backup plan and he is afraid you'd find out.

He treated you poorly and disrespected you and he's lied to you multiple times. You can't believe what he tells you so the trust is gone.

I agree with this entirely.
You're not sure if you asked him.
Does it really matter. Don't jepoardise your happiness over something that doesn't really matter in the long run.

Sorry but I also think you were dumped for someone else and being too busy for you was an excuse , this guy isn’t the type to stay single by the sounds of it.
Lots of things don’t make sense, chucking away his chance with you, dating someone else, coming back and quite a dramatic turnaround of getting engaged within 18 months. Do you believe this engagement feels serious enough?

It sounds like he thought the grass might be.greener then realised it wasnt. Id dump him..

I detest liars and couldn't trust him. I'm not sure I could get past it, but I think I'm also probably less comfortable with this sort of thing than most women.

You know yourself best. Would you have asked this question? I know I 100% would have asked.

Struggling with the idea he finished things originally because he was busy with his job / children and couldn’t commit. What changed
after two months to enable him to date another woman? How long did it last? When did he end things with her and why? Was it more casual? Was yours more intense? How long after splitting with her did he message you? How long have you been together? How often does he see his children?

I’d have a lot of questions, I’d be very untrusting, it would be a very long engagement.

It's the lie that would bother me. While it may seem small & insignificant now, little lies turn into big lies. What else hasn't he told you. Spoken from experience.

Why bother?

Life is so much better as a solo.

If the answer had been yes he had dated someone else while you were apart when you were thinking about getting back together would it have affected your decision?
If he’d told the truth at the time do you think you’d be together now?

How many children does he have and do you help with them?

he text me to say that he was ending things as he didn’t really have enough free time and it wasn’t progressing how he hoped.

I wonder what he meant by "it wasn't progressing how he hoped" when he also says he doesn't have enough free time? How could anything "progress" in those circumstances?

Did you have any idea he was going to break up with at the time or did you think things were going well, even if unserious? Was it a bolt from the blue to you?

I think if I’d have known he’d dated someone else I wouldn’t have continued things, which is what makes me think he did say no when I asked.

Both of his kids are nearly adults so he’s never needed help with them.