DP telling me now he dated someone else

[leeleean]

I’m probably making a mountain out of a mole hill here but I’m unreasonably mad!

Me and DP dated for about a year. It never got really serious due to him being manic with his job and kids. We were exclusive though. After a year, and out of the blue, he text me to say that he was ending things as he didn’t really have enough free time and it wasn’t progressing how he hoped.

Five months later and he text asking for a chat. We met up and he apologised, said he wanted to make a proper go of it. I agreed. I asked him if he’d dated anyone in between and he said no.

It’s now been 18 months and we’ve not long got engaged. We were having a chat yesterday about exes, and he told me he had dated someone while we were apart.

Now I know technically he hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’m absolutely fuming! One because he lied the first time, and two because he dumped me for not having enough free time but managed to find time to date someone else.

Would anyone else be upset? I’m trying hard to contain it as I’m know I’m being unfair, but 😤😤

No I had no idea it was coming. I knew we weren’t seeing each other that much as he was so busy though.

Then that makes the because of the children idea make even less sense
and what changed in that regard such a short time later

I wouldn’t marry him because in the back of my mind I’d feel like I was a back up plan and that would drive me to seething resentment. Rightly or wrongly - but I know what I’m like and feeling like or thinking that I was a back up plan would send me into a spiral.

It seems like he may not have been forthright about why he broke up with you (as PP have suggested, possibly it was in order to date someone else) and then he wasn't honest when you asked him about dating other women when you got back together. And now he's potentially not being honest again about whether you asked at the time.

I would have concerns about marrying him, yes.

I can imagine that you possibly didn't ask directly, but there's no way you wouldn't have discussed what he did during the time you were separated and his reasons for getting back in touch. Hence he lied by omission at the very least.

I would be struggling a lot with wondering if I could trust him at this point.

You weren’t a priority in the early phase of your relationship.
You had strong feelings about the way he ended it and hesitated to get back together
You’re not sure if he lied to you.
You’re not sure if he’s lying to you now.

Yes pretty much!

Any other red flags?

Yes because all men are liars…

None! He’s been the perfect partner which is why I’m so surprised.

All of this. I wouldn't like any of this, at all.

Look at this as a good rehearsal for how well you'll iron out difficulties when you're married. You feel crap. You need to not feel crap about this. How much can you reframe what happened in your own mind Vs have him apologise and explain how things went from his perspective at the time and also how he feels about it now. Don't stop talking about it until you feel better, but you have to allow him to explain and there will come a point where you have to decide to accept it or not. Don't marry him feeling crap about it though. That's how bad marriages are made.

Have u asked him what happened and why it didnt work out with the other person?

Yes I have. It seems a valid reason. He said it was a couple of months that it ended before he reached back out to me.

The biggest red flag is the sudden dumping by text rout of nowhere. I don't think I could feel safe in a relationship where a partner had shown that sort of rash, impulsive behaviour. This is who they are.

Have you asked him how he made time for another relationship when he had no time for yours? You know he's lying to you about why he ended the relationship the first time round. There's no trust here at all

this. It's no basis for a marriage.

I don't think this man has been honest with you, OP. And even if he was honest (doubtful from what you've written), he's hurt you badly by ending your relationship so callously the first time round. That's not a strong foundation for a long-term relationship. Value yourself more than accepting a life with someone 'too busy' or someone who sees you as a backup.

@leeleean would you have got back together with him if you knew?

I think that's key.

I’m not sure. Probably not. But I definitely would have liked to have known that info from the start rather than 18 months down the line.

My ex did similar to me

Before we got together he claimed to have been single two years. From things he said and questions his daughter asked me it transpired this was more like ten days.

Had I known that I would not have chosen to go out with him.

If you are happy with your 90% sure, and you would not have got back with him if you had known, you have a difficult decision to make.

If you did ask and he said no that means he has gaslit you about it as well as lying. If he has lied he will do it again if there are no consequences this time.

So you asked him if he had seen someone else when you first got back together and he said no, why did you feel the need to ask the same question again?

Maybe he tried with her but realised that he really wanted to be with you.

I would be worried as he’s maybe put you at risk.., did he have an std test before getting back with you? ( I am guessing no seeing as he lied and you would have not had a reason to ask him to get one, based on what he told you).

Because although I had a vague recollection of asking him when we got back together, I asked again as wasn’t 100% sure.

Nope no std test done as I didn’t realise he had slept with someone else.

This is pretty much what he is saying, but who knows!