DP telling me now he dated someone else

[leeleean]

I’m probably making a mountain out of a mole hill here but I’m unreasonably mad!

Me and DP dated for about a year. It never got really serious due to him being manic with his job and kids. We were exclusive though. After a year, and out of the blue, he text me to say that he was ending things as he didn’t really have enough free time and it wasn’t progressing how he hoped.

Five months later and he text asking for a chat. We met up and he apologised, said he wanted to make a proper go of it. I agreed. I asked him if he’d dated anyone in between and he said no.

It’s now been 18 months and we’ve not long got engaged. We were having a chat yesterday about exes, and he told me he had dated someone while we were apart.

Now I know technically he hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’m absolutely fuming! One because he lied the first time, and two because he dumped me for not having enough free time but managed to find time to date someone else.

Would anyone else be upset? I’m trying hard to contain it as I’m know I’m being unfair, but 😤😤

I've got to be honest, I don't think it's wise to go into a marriage with this much uncertainty.
Have either of you been married before?

@leeleean it sounds like you are just finding out the ugly truth here. And also the current story doesn’t really add up either. You say he went on the apps about 2 months after you but then also didn’t reach out to you again until 2 months after dating this girl but then you were only apart for 5 months? My guess would be he met this other person whilst with you; he ended it with you to pursue this other person and it didn’t work out so he got back in contact with you.

so the issues are;

• He dated you exclusively for a year and dumped you by text!
• He likely dumped you for someone else
• He claimed not to have time for you but could find time for someone else?
• He lied when you asked him if he had dated anyone whilst you had been split up
• You have got back together under false pretences
• When you have asked him again he either feels safe enough because your engaged to now drip you feed some truth about it or he knows it might come out eventually so wants you to at least know there was someone

I would be questioning everything right now and yes I would be mad. I don’t think I could even think about a future together until I found out the full truth of what really happened back then. It’s not like you went on a few dates, you were exclusive and together a year!

Think the context about who the woman he dated is helps - work colleague? Friend of his? Met online?

He didn’t say but my guess it was someone on a dating app as that’s how he met his exes.

I don't want to be that person but is there a reason he wants to get married?
He sounds older and has almost adult kids so I'm just wondering is there an incentive to marry you e.g. financially?

So... he was seeing someone else and dumped you by text. Things didn't work out with her and he came crawling back to you.

That's what I would think had happened, if I'm really honest.

I just don't see how someone could have such a low level of interest in you then six months later decide they were in love with you all along? Plus the obvious lying and gaslighting. I would not trust him and I wouldn't marry him.

A one off first date that never went anywhere , I guess I could look past although I’m not sure I’d give another chance after being dumped. If he was seeing her for the entire time and I mentioned before I think she probably was the reason it ended, I couldn’t forgive that, as that means he put someone else first that he liked more and you are the second choice.

I think you’re going to have to go back to him more about it and say it’s uncomfortable new information you need to have time to process. There’s been a deception here but the reasons why arnt so clear. I think it’s a reality that men can look for an ego boost when they have recently split up from someone and are feeling bereft but I don’t think this is it given it was him that ended things. Plus this wasn’t a one night stand scenario.
I think I’d always be wondering if he only contacted you again as this woman had ended things between them. I think I’d want to see the messages as to who ended it given your planning to marry and invest your life with him x

But he isn't a perfect partner, he lied to you. He dumped you via text out of the blue and we all know it was for this other person because his story doesn't make sense. But since he broke up with you it isn't technically cheating and he can still feel good about himself. Then it didn't go as planned so he tried hooking back up with you and it worked. Would he have started going through his book of exes until he found one willing if you said no? It is incredibly deceitful.

The lying aside it is horrendous he didn't disclose he had another partner and get an STI test before having sex with you again and warn you. He took away your right to informed consent and that is despicable. That is just so so disrespectful to you. A good man wouldn't do that. He appears to be good at micro lying and lies of omission, both are massive red flags. I wouldn't want to commit to someone like that.

Yeah you've got a right to be mad. You agreed to start dating him based on who he was at the time, the situationship that you were presented with. He's a guy who dated you, broke up because he didn't have enough free time, then he was single, now he's back. And on that basis you agreed to start a new relationship. But, turns out that was a lie; he dated someone else when he was supposed to be short on time.

Had you known that when you were asked to start the relationship back up, you might not have. This means essentially the decision to get back together with him is invalidated, because it was based on a lie. Which means your entire relationship now is invalidated. Like a giant crack from the foundation all the way to the top, splitting the relationship in two.

Essentially you are now broken up, or at least, in pause. Your relationship is now invalidated because it was based on a lie, and you have a right to be mad that he took a bunch of your time and tied it up in a fake relationship. The thing is, now you know the truth, will you decide, given everything, that you want to continue dating him? In which case you sort of start a brand new relationship, a truthful one, right away, or might you decide you don't want to be with him anymore. Only you can tell. But yeah absolutely, you have the right to be mad that all the time since you got back together with him, was tied up in a lie.

This is what I was trying to say and says it much better about consent.

It took a lot for me to decide to try again with him after the way he ended things, but I did because I thought he’d spent that time apart thinking he’d made a mistake and he missed me. If I’d have known that instead of that he’d gone on dating apps and slept with someone else then I don’t think I’d have agreed to try and make a go of it again. What a mess.

I think you need to be finding out more information about this other person, because the other major issue is if it overlapped with you/ if he dumped you for her. It doesn’t seem he’s telling you the full truth still and seems he’s playing it down saying it wasn’t until 2 months after you and 2 months before you the 2nd time which doesn’t really give him much time to have been seeing her and for it to wind down at all if you were only apart for 5 months. Like you say; it would have been different if he had some time single for 5 months and then realised it was you he wanted but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Especially when he gave you the reason he didn’t have time for you but then went searching elsewhere to give time to them. My gut feeling on this is he dumped you for someone else and it didn’t work out so he came back to you. Some people would draw a line under it and go from how he’s been since you have been back together but I couldn’t do that as he’s still the same person, capable of doing that to you.

He lied because he knew you wouldn't agree to be with him again if you knew. He took away your right to the truth because it suited him. So you made an important decision to try again with him based on a lie.

And it IS an important decision: the person you marry and especially have children with is the BIGGEST, most LIFECHANGING decision of your life. If you choose (or are tricked into choosing) a wrong 'un, that choice can completely blight your life, waste years of your life spent in misery and confusion, ruin your financial future, and deeply harm your children.

Him lying shows that he will lie to get his way. That what he wants is more important than what you want.

It is difficult to read people, when we're young we tend to think everyone is like us, we attribute our own morals and mores to them. But then you start realising - through horribly painful lessons - that some people absolutely don't share your values and in fact they are dangerous for you to invest in. So you start to learn to read people a bit more. You learn about red flags and you start to avoid people who could damage you.

Red flags are a thin sliver of who a person really is below the pretty façade,

OP, what your partner did is undoubtedly a very red flag. He's a guy who prioritises what he wants over your right to be told the truth so you can make an informed decision. He will undoubtedly do this again and again once you're married. And by the time the kids come, he will do it flagrantly, because he's got you trapped.

I suggest that you rethink marrying him.

If he lied about it before, why wouldn't he lie about it now, too? You say you're 90% certain you asked him -- that's actually a fairly significant percentage where you think you might not have.

MN often thinks the worst of men by default. Posters will extrapolate worst case scenarios from the very limited information you've given us and tell you to LTB. But only you know what kind of partner he's been, and whether he's worth giving the benefit of the doubt to.

Maybe he realised the grass wasn't greener?
I'd feel uneasy and unsure about trusting him and if there's no trust, the relationship is doomed.
He could be genuine....
You need to decide whether you can put this under the carpet and move forward and not let it take space in your head otherwise I'd probably give it a swerve

Well put

Agree.
First he said he hadn't dated anyone in between their splitting up and getting back together. Then he said he had.
So essentially, he's a liar.

I'd be incredibly surprised if he hadn't left you for somebody else and then came crawling back once she ended it. He'll do it again.

You love him. Is this the only hicup?

You are not 100% certain.
Maybe you asked - Did you break up with me so you could go out with someone else you had met? He could honestly answer NO if he hadn't met the girl/boy yet.

What are your ages? Are you the same age or is he older than you?
Is there a type of "power imbalance" in this relationship?

I realise that walking away at this point would be difficult and probably heartbreaking - and that is your decision to make either way - but please don't stay just because you feel you're in too deep or it will hurt too much now to walk away.

That's probably what he was counting on when he deceived you.

It's not the only hiccup though. He dumped her by text message after a year together, then got into another relationship (or possibly had already started one when he dumped her), then lied to her to manipulate and deceive her into resuming their relationship when the other one ended.

That is more than a hiccup and certainly more than a single hiccup.

Love is not enough for a healthy relationship. You also need integrity, respect and trust.

We’re the same age. There’s no power imbalance

I agree. He's causing too much drama and he's a liar.