DP telling me now he dated someone else

[leeleean]

I’m probably making a mountain out of a mole hill here but I’m unreasonably mad!

Me and DP dated for about a year. It never got really serious due to him being manic with his job and kids. We were exclusive though. After a year, and out of the blue, he text me to say that he was ending things as he didn’t really have enough free time and it wasn’t progressing how he hoped.

Five months later and he text asking for a chat. We met up and he apologised, said he wanted to make a proper go of it. I agreed. I asked him if he’d dated anyone in between and he said no.

It’s now been 18 months and we’ve not long got engaged. We were having a chat yesterday about exes, and he told me he had dated someone while we were apart.

Now I know technically he hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’m absolutely fuming! One because he lied the first time, and two because he dumped me for not having enough free time but managed to find time to date someone else.

Would anyone else be upset? I’m trying hard to contain it as I’m know I’m being unfair, but 😤😤

And I’m the King

Fair enough. It just sounded like he was older for some reason but I apologise if you had already mentioned your ages in an earlier post.

Possibly another lie. My first thought was also that he dumped you for someone else and came back when things didn't work out with her.

Sounds like he met someone else so ended it with you, but it didn't work out with the other woman so gave you a call to see if you'd take him back.

Fantastic! Maybe you can do an AMA?

Op Think that you have a straightforward choice you either accept he dated some else or you walk away before marriage.

So for timeline purposes he dumped you via text because he had no time to see you, his established partner.

Then he waited several months and joined a dating site.

Then pretty immediately on said site he met someone and had a relationship with them for several months.

Then they broke up and he realized he missed you and then messaged you to get back together all in 5 months time.

He didn't have time for you but had time to join a dating site and seek out a new partner and have a relationship with them. That would imply dating, getting to know them and loads of time spent together he didn't have for you. Where did all this time come from that he didn't have for you? It doesn't seem logical or plausible.

I'm sorry OP, but the math isn't mathing. I can't think of anyone who could join a dating app and find a relationship immediately that lasted months. I think it is pretty clear he fancied someone else and dumped you to shag guilt free because he was single. Then he wasn't happy or she dumped him and he came crawling back to you. Neither option is more palatable than the other.

It is deceit and he lied to you. It would have changed how you felt about him and he knew that so he lied. You don't lie to someone you love and most certainly do not trick them into marrying you. I think this would taint the relationship forever. You will always be wondering and it will sit there in the back of your mind always leaving you unsettled because you will never know.

I sat down with him this weekend and asked for proof of a timeline, I needed to know the truth before making any decisions. We split in December, he met her in February, ended in March, we got back together in May.

There was no overlap. However, I’m still fuming that I’m only finding out about this person after being engaged. I really don’t think I’d have started up with him again if I knew.

I really don’t think I’d have started up with him again if I knew.

That's your answer then. You are always going to feel out of sorts and unsettled and it probably stems from you feeling he is no longer trustworthy or feeling cherished. Your relationship foundations are no longer built on solid ground but shifting sands and that's no way to live.

Have you asked him how he suddenly made time for another relationship when lack of time was the reason he gave for breaking up with you?

The other thing that stood out is that he said the relationship wasn't progressing how he'd hoped. That reads to me like he couldn't be bothered to put the time into your relationship, he wasn't that into you and he wanted to explore his options as a single man. He's fundamentally not a safe partner, he dumped you by text. That's not something I could get past.

Yeah, all this.

OP, I want to reiterate that him dumping you with such little care and respect and then lying about not being with someone while you were split up - these are thin slivers showing who he really is. That's the real him.

Please think very carefully about this wedding. Don't let yourself be steamrolled by planning, money, or the pressure of "what will people think" and "our relationship won't survive me stopping the wedding" etc. The choice of husband and especially father of your children is THE most important emotional and financial life decision you will ever make in your life, for you and any children you will have. Choose wisely.

I'd lose trust after him dumping me.