Have YOU had an affair?

[girlnextdoor]

Like a similar poster not long ago, I am astounded at the number of mums posting abut their partners' affairs.

Yet, there is always another side- they are having affairs with women- many of whom will be mums too.

I am interested to hear the OWs stories. Things are never as black and white as one side may think.

Sometimes affairs can stop a marriage falling apart- if it is discreet or if both partners are relaxed about it- certainly, the upper classes and French presidents openly have affairs and everyone seems to accept it.

This is NOT the thread to join in with if you are hurting from your DHs affair, or if you can only see one side, and can only contribute things like marriage vows, trust, etc etc- but as a general open-minded debate it would be good to hear some other sides to it.

If I had, I wouldn't admit it.

girlnextdoor on Thu 12-Jun-08 22:31:18

"Would anyone even own up to understanding why their partner had an affair? It's never 100% one person's fault- maybe one person has let themselves go, become boring, self-absorbed, has no conversation at all to offer, and is frankly boring."

You reckon we should rewrite the marriage vows then: 'I N take thee N now for my wedded husband, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, unless thou growest boring'?

cory- so I assume you don't believe in divorce? Certainly not on the grounds of being boring anyway!

I think the point I was making - which is pretty obvious- is that BOTH partners have a responsibility to make a relationship work. I am not saying that all partners who are on the receiving end of an affair are guilty, but what I am saying is that sometimes people stop trying in a relationship and let things slide- and an affair is a symptom of that. can't see what is so outrageous in that observation ( note- OBSERVATION not MY opinion!!)

If you have a state marriage you write your own vows. I wonder if people who go on about marriage vows have ever been to a state wedding. Fine if you're Catholic promise til death us do part, if you're not why include a bit of wishful thinking you don't really believe in in something as important as a marriage?

??? what is a state wedding? do you mean a civil wedding rather than a church wedding?

I think my h had an affair - just because he could - not because there were any real problems in the marriage.
I am certain he would not now without giving it some really really serious thought.
That is often the problem - men dont think but becuase woman do we assume that the men do too fyswim.

The ow i am certain read more into it though and justified it to herself that there must be 'problems' in his marriage. And he 'fed' her what she wanted to hear so as to continue with the affair. If he has actually said - well look i dont want to end my marriage but just want a bit of 'exrtra' would it have ever happened. During the affair all parties only believe what they want - that is why they are secret - they are not real.
Ok some do work out i know but generally they end in disaster.

I think if you look at the unconditional love thread too you will see that woman give far more importance to the whole package of love and commitment than men do. And think about it more too.

I think far less affairs would happen if ALL parties thought about it in the first place. And as always the key is communication.

And the reason i think i am able to forgive him is that i dont think he set out to 'hurt' me in anyway. Once he had crossed that line he knew he had but he didnt calulate and think what he was doing was really so bad. So he just didnt think - because we didnt both make it clear what we wnated from each other.

He is in no doubt now as to what is required and he has done everything to make me feel like i am the only one for him now . And long may that continue too.

I have been the OW twice when I was very much younger (and more foolish)

Once with someone who's marriage was already in the throes of breaking up and I suspected that his wife was already havig an affair (subsequently proved right). I loved him and thought there was a good chance that he would stay with me. I gave him an ultimatum in the end - me or your marriage - they decided to try again and I was devastated, however I respected them both for trying to salvage their marriage. They were both at fault for letting their marriage to deteriorate to that point and I hardly helped. I wish I had been strong enough to give him the choice before starting the affair, it would have been better for us all.

The second was a short fling with someone much older in work and was really on the rebound. I didn't know his wife and it was easy for me to pretend that it wasn't my issue, that it wasn't me that was married and that he had to take his own responsibility for being faithful or not.

In truth very few affairs don't hurt somebody and should therefore be avoided if possible in my very humble opinion. Trying to have a dispassionate debate about something which is so fundamental to many people on here does smack rather of a sixth form debating team challenge. How old are you?

my DH had an affair with another woman when he was married before. His exW used to emotionally abuse him and basically treated and spoke to him so bad he went out to live up to her expectationsa. they were seperated at the time.
i met him 6 mths after his divorce came thru and 5 years later i am still helping him cope and heal from the emotional damage his EW put him thru.
sometimes , BUT NOT ALWATYS, it is the wifes fault. treat em mean, lose em.

scuse spelluing etc feeding wriggle baby

I am a bit nervous to post here, but will have a go. First of all let me say that I don't agree with affairs. However, I suspect that life is often more complicated than my simple ideal. For example a few don't care that much about DP's secret affair as long as it remains secret. There are all sort of reasons why that might be so; not difficult to imagine circumstances when that might suit the wronged partner.

Some compartmentalise love and lust and will try to "get away it"? Should also recognise that things sometimes break in a stressed/unhappy marriage?