Have YOU had an affair?

[girlnextdoor]

Like a similar poster not long ago, I am astounded at the number of mums posting abut their partners' affairs.

Yet, there is always another side- they are having affairs with women- many of whom will be mums too.

I am interested to hear the OWs stories. Things are never as black and white as one side may think.

Sometimes affairs can stop a marriage falling apart- if it is discreet or if both partners are relaxed about it- certainly, the upper classes and French presidents openly have affairs and everyone seems to accept it.

This is NOT the thread to join in with if you are hurting from your DHs affair, or if you can only see one side, and can only contribute things like marriage vows, trust, etc etc- but as a general open-minded debate it would be good to hear some other sides to it.

There was a Telegraph article about why men have affairs earlier today, but I've lost it. It wasn't a very good article though - went off the point and was more about "compartmentalising".

Is it just the excitement PP? How is your relationship?

I am of the school of you finish one before doing another.

I think men have affairs for the conversation and gift-buying trips to the shops.

I almost did when I was married to XH1. He was out all the time and not the least bit interested in being a husband or dad. Some married man at our local pub took a shine to me and I nearly got in too deep. We hadn't actually done anything physical, but he decided to move out from his wife & DC's because he said if he liked me he couldn't love her, so he was leaving her whether I wanted to be with him or not. I was so ashamed at the thought of destroying her family I begged him to go home. He did after a few days, and I've always been very careful to keep a respectful distance from married men now.

I think men (and women) have affairs cause they can.

They enjoy the excitement and sneaking around.

They might still love their (main) partner but they sure as hell have no respect for them.

Mine almost happened because I knew my xh didn't love me like I loved him. So I eventually stopped loving him, and almost got lead astray. We divorced soon afterwards.

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I actually slept with someone else towards the end of my relationship with XP. It was a drunken one night stand and a horrible horrible mistake.

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god no. I'd rather have a nice cup of tea.

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"I love Dp very much and I have a great relationship."

I think your definition of 'great relationship' is a bit warped.

Would your DP agree if he found out pp?

Beacuse if someone claimed to love me very much and did that I would feel incredibly betrayed and hurt. Really.

If I didn't love them I wouldn't be that concerned, I'd think they were a bit of an arse, untrustworthy, and move on.

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No, never had an affair while with DH. DH had an affair with me when with his previous long term partner, though.

Also, where on earth do people find the energy!

Frankly, If I had the opportunity for free time to myself I'd take it with both hands. Affairs strike me as being a whole lot of effort.

Carmenere, I second your:

"The Lord Snowdon example is good though, who would want to be one of many bits on the side to a toff? Someone who had not much else going for her, or at least had low expectations. "

I have a friend who was in a similar position for 5 years with somebody very high up. She had just managed to leave an 8 year abusive relationship and her self confidence was rock bottom. SHe did not expect anybody to love her for her. She did not even risk putting herself out there to meet anybody. She was a wreck. It is over now, and she is finally florishing.

I very nearly had an affair once.
The fact it got that bad enabled me to think through my marriage and make changes. I guess the fact that I should suddenly find myself interested in somebody else was a wake up call. But I was more keen on getting my marriage back on track than the other person.

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Nobody who didn't have a hide like a rhino would post about their affair on MN. But they must be going on.

Agree, QS. They can be a wake up call - symptomatic, perhaps, of marital problems but not necessarily the cure

It's very sad that 'the excitement' means more than the hurt you cause when it comes out though.
It is true though i think that people who do have affairs find it easy to compartmentalise things though.

PP out of interest is it worth riskng your relationship for or has it just become a habit because you are 'getting away' with it so you can ? It seems odd that for 4/5 times a year you would risk it and him also.

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I know a man who has just moved to the area.

He is very nice and friendly and we often bump into each other locally.

I have never met his wife; he has never met my husband.

Today he asked if I was ever child free. I laughed and said rarely.

He asked if I would get someone to look after the baby and he would take me out for ' a cup of tea'

I said I would love to meet for a cup of tea - as long as he brought his wife and I brought my husband.

That is how affairs start. Both parties have to be willing......

I had a very brief affair last year. Emotional stuff for a couple of months. Physical stuff 3 or 4 times in total. Then we both came to our senses and ended it before anyone got hurt ( although I was pretty hurt, but it was my fault ). We just clicked I guess and it felt right at the time, even though it obviously wasn't. Glad it's over. Don't think I'd go there again. It was exhausting dealing with all the bad feelings of guilt and paranoia. Nice guy, just terribly bad timing.

Never had and I never would