Have YOU had an affair?

[girlnextdoor]

Like a similar poster not long ago, I am astounded at the number of mums posting abut their partners' affairs.

Yet, there is always another side- they are having affairs with women- many of whom will be mums too.

I am interested to hear the OWs stories. Things are never as black and white as one side may think.

Sometimes affairs can stop a marriage falling apart- if it is discreet or if both partners are relaxed about it- certainly, the upper classes and French presidents openly have affairs and everyone seems to accept it.

This is NOT the thread to join in with if you are hurting from your DHs affair, or if you can only see one side, and can only contribute things like marriage vows, trust, etc etc- but as a general open-minded debate it would be good to hear some other sides to it.

girlnextdoor maybe you should have opened it asking for people who have had an affair only to post then, as i presume most people on here haven't and as you say there are many on here who have been hurt by it so it is bound to be one sided.

"Our other partners have never got over it even after 15 years but we couldnt be happier."

Well if you are both as self absorbed and thoughtless as you sound you're probably well suited.

salla- "I think on the whole women should try to avoid affairs,as it is what men do" - errr yes- with whom?

No I haven't. been married 10 years this summer, been together for 18.5 years nearly. Met at 16y at school. Never had an affair or cheated, or anything, even when at sep unis, etc. Never felt the need.

As far as I know Dh hasn't either. Obviously can;t guarantee that, but I have take his word for it. I do trust him.

I was tempted towards the end of my relationship with XP, so I can really understand where people are coming from. Had the relationship been a happy one I wouldn't even have considered it.

Janos, we are very well suited thanks and we couldnt care less whether our partners get over it or not as with hindsight we both never truly loved them as we love each other so the relationships were bound to end at some point. We are just glad we met each other and to be honest 'getting over it' is their problem and not ours.

Goodness tigersmum, you sound very "well-adjusted"

Yes, you sound like a real catch

i was just aobut to comment that there doesnt seem to be much need for hard hats on this interesting debate.

people have affairs. they have done for a long time. people are more likely to be found out, admit to them nowadays i think.... rather than be ashamed of them.
isnt it something like 2/3 of women ... dont know why this is women that is quoted .. are currently having affiar.s

Isn't Tigersmum just being honest- better to have 2 happy people, than 4 sad ones. Would you rather they had all stayed as they were and all been unhappy?

Their relationships would have ended anyway- there is a lot of sanctimony on this site and not a lot of imagination at times.

I wonder if we are all living in the real world? 4 out of 10 marriages end in divorce-are we really to believe that people move on before they have tried another relationship? Not saying that is right- just facing facts.

Would anyone even own up to understanding why their partner had an affair? It's never 100% one person's fault- maybe one person has let themselves go, become boring, self-absorbed, has no conversation at all to offer, and is frankly boring. These people never think they are to blame- it's always someone else's fault.

Girl next door, what I was about was the "oh, the silly twits will get over it and we don't give a shit cos we're like, soooo happy" attitude.

No, I do not rather people stay together if one or both are unhappy. I just feel some people are hurt unnecessarily by this selfish attitude that we are ENTITLED to pursue our own happiness at the expense of others.

girlnextdoor, of course they dont have to stay together and be miserable, but I think you can ease the hurt by ending the relationship before embarking on an affair, when you have been cheated on, its not just the loss of the relationship you have to deal with, its the disrespect, betrayal, humiliation, the lies told to you, ect, ect.

entitled to happiness?
doesnt the ethos MN appear to be that we are entitled to happiness though, end your bad marriage etc. ,etc.,

I haven't, but I did have the opportunity recently, for a bit of a fling anyway.

Was away on a week long conference with work, with a guy I have known and been good friends with for many years. Never looked at him in "that" way at all, but away from home and after a drink or two, it became a real possibility and he made it very clear he would like to.

TBH, it frightened me, to realise how close I came to ruining everything I have at home. I am genuinely really happy at home, but it would have been very easy to say "what the hell,let's have some fun." One more glass of wine.....?

Also, if I'm honest, whilst the possible outcome scared me whit-less, the offer was very flattering and has put a real spring in my step. But there is no way I'm going there. I really can see how easily it could happen though.

FWIW - my Dad thinks married people shouldn't be allowed to stay away from home without their spouse "it's just asking for trouble" I think he might have a point.

i have not had an affair, and never would, i am fairly certain i would leave and not leave for a new relationship either. I would never put my kids, whom adore their dad, through such turmoil..and i also believe in my marriage vows.

I never thought I would, but then my marriage went very badly wrong and I fell for someone very badly. Hardly anything happened but I am still reeling from it 6 months later. It wasn't/isn't fun.

nope - think both parties (two people having the affair) are selfish, gutless and totally disrespectful.

As to the fact that someone else is to blame for their affair - how bloody childish is that. Oh you've let yourself go - I have to go and have sex with someone else, you are boring, so the solution is to run off and have sex with someone else. Pathetic.

Be a grown up - be done with the initial relationship and if the affair is all that to risk hurting so many other people - especially when children are involved - leave the marriage - and then sort it.

Could not think of anything worse than being the other woman - the dirty little secret. Waiting with baited breath for moments snatched. If I am not worthy of your time in total and your total commitment then you are not worth my time and my energy.

When I was much younger I did, but I honestly didn't know, too naive too green. My Mum found out and told me and I didn't beleive it. I carried on but looked for signs which I didn't find. (again green and naive). Then Dad intervened and took me for a drive to his house where I saw him with his very pregnant wife and two smaller children. I was physically sick.
Time went on, years passed, I got married. EH had an affair, so I felt the sh*tty end of the stick and although I never got to be confronted with this man's wife from long ago, she always was in my mind.
When I discovered my EH affair, I felt hurt for the past and hurt for me, a taste of my own medicine. My marriage didn't last even tho we tried...after 26 years we split up... but I would never knowingly have an affair with a married man, even a separated man. The pain is unbearable, and in my opinion you never really recover from it. I hope that is not the case with that past experience and that they lived on happily ever after with their kids and family intact. I very much doubt it, since he was a deceitful manipulator. That is my experience and I am not proud of it even tho I was a victim really.

eidsvold- interesting that you immediately think that sex is the attraction in an affair- maybe it's an emotional connection that is missing at home, don't you think?

oh fgs if you're missing an emotional connection buy a bloody dog (of finish your relationship then go an find your emotional connection).

Do you know of any dogs with brilliant conversational skills and emotional literacy who are fantastic in bed?

'emotional literacy'

dear god.

It's not that emotionally literate to cheat.

If you do it, fine. But be honest about it. And don't dress it up with 'my partner and I have a fantastic relationship' (except when I'm shagging someone he doesn't know about.

Or 'he just doesn't understand me or connect to me'.

Fine so dump him and find someone else.

'Would anyone even own up to understanding why their partner had an affair? It's never 100% one person's fault- maybe one person has let themselves go, become boring, self-absorbed, has no conversation at all to offer, and is frankly boring. These people never think they are to blame- it's always someone else's fault'

Harsh gnd !

Does this entitle the other person to cause them such pain as an affair does ? Or should they discuss the situation or leave and then have the relationship ?