Handhold pls - finally accepted my marriage is over

[DexterMorgansmum]

I have posted on here before, as recent as November re problems in my marriage - H insisting I was lazy when I am actually quite hardworking - hold down a senior management corporate job and do most of the work around the house - and that he was likewise driving DS16 to feel anything other than A*/A's was unacceptable.

Wont go into the latest rows but decided over Christmas , I am done - 23 years, a lifetime of trying at 46 and I just don't have the energy to try anymore to fix this.

Incredibly sad - despite DS being around everyday on school holiday which I feel should be enough to keep the blues away - why is it that we objectively know the marriage has been shitty since forever, and yet mourn the end of it this much?

Anyone else who came to the same path over the Xmas 'festive' period?

I keep telling myself I cannot allow myself to stay blue and to snap out of it

He sounds horrible

We are all in the post festive come down, it's easy to feel frustrated and drained. We can use January to focus on self care, self acceptance and to nurture ourselves.

Maybe it is time to go solo, just remember this month is particularly draining on all of our mental health. Life can seem dull and uninspiring in the post "festive" wind down.

I m long term single, 46, end stage perimenopause and really can't be bothered at all with any men. They are testosterone filled emotional (and often financial) drains, so many of them are Know It Alls and dismissive of women. Their egos and mental health Trump everyone else's, and at the very least Trump the female ego/mental health. I cannot think of one marriage that seems truly joyful.

If you can amicably separate, then make every effort to be mature and kind about it for both of your sakes. I like Gweneth Paltrow s idea of consciously uncoupling and accepting youthful marriages are often difficult to maintain the momentum on, as couples can outgrow each other, simply mature in different ways.

Maybe contact a counsellor for some support to help navigate the upcoming changes.

Its OK to prioritise your happiness and your freedom to live calmly.

Thanks @Mollydoggerson , I like the idea of Conscious Uncoupling too , kind and mindful of the good times and the dignity of what once was, for the sake of any DC - however, H will not keep his side likewise - at least one person setting an example is important so I will try my best to do so.

I keep thinking life is going to be bleak and empty - and yet it already is, except for my son who will forge his own path when he leaves in two years for uni and I do not want him to become my (sole or otherwise) emotional crutch.

I have lost touch with high school , uni and even work friends from my 20s and 30s - as this marriage and keeping 'HIM' happy or trying to - has depleted me and left me exhausted , especially the past 5 years.

Any good book recos anyone - on conscious uncoupling or otherwise , pls let me know

I have read - Lundy's Why does he do that , re-reading should I stay or should I go - and just finished PE's Controlling People too.
No answers in any of those though , I tried my best to fix it and a part of me still feels this is my failure.......

OP, it’s time of “festive time’s over” and hard back to reality. Ouch.

Allow yourself to grieve for relationship what it could have been. Not your fault, you tried again and again. You can take the horse to water and can’t make it drink.

Be kind to yourself and look forward to the future without the milestone round your neck that was drowning you.

Accepting it is a step forward. Best wishes 💐

Thank you @TangerinePlate

I like the idea of getting some counselling asap and am looking up options for solo counselling near me now......

Maybe even a psychotherapist rather than an accredited life coach or general counsellor ?

I ended my marriage after 25 years together married 21 years and I’m only 41. It was so hard I was living with my friend in her cramped house with her kids and animals while my kids stayed at the marital home. He wouldn’t leave (because I left him) so I chose to leave until I got me and the kids a new home. We had a joint mortgage but I left him the lot I just wanted a new life. He had money from his parents to fight me and I didn’t have a penny to fight so I walked away no money no car but with dignity. I held down a full time job, saved and seen my kids as much as possible. It was the hardest year of my life but I’m in my new home and my divorce came through few weeks ago. It’s hard but if o ca don’t you can. Good luck

Not a 20 odd year marriage but a 10 year relationship with two kids and the first year was a blur and incredibly hard. It came in waves of grief and those waves get shallower and shallower and less and less frequent until you suddenly realise you’re ok. And after that how happy you are now you don’t have to worry about the whims and reactions of an arsehole anymore

@Mollydoggerson conscious uncoupling isn't Gweneth Peltrow's idea. It's a book and a counselling programme by Katherine Woodward Thomas. And it's brilliant. Her book is well worth a read, OP.

I am your age and I am moving into my own place in the next few weeks. We amicably separated and have managed to go six months of still living together very well.

But - I am so excited for my new life. I feel sort of rejuvenated by the change and I’d say so does my ex.

There is SO much life out there to be lived; an empty bleak marriage is no life at all.

While you take stock do the freedom programme online, read and watch YouTube tutorials on narcissistic behaviour and emotional abuse , the shark cage etc to strengthen your boundaries.

Book a weekend away somewhere lovely and take a blank notebook and think about you. Where do you want personal growth - learn yoga? Play netball? Which social activities can you start NOW to build up new friendships away from him and when anyone asks just say I’m separated and going through divorce. Don’t discuss him think of yourself.

Thanks for all your wise advice and lovely words of comfort and kindness

@Velvetcloud25 , thanks for sharing - you have been incredibly brave, having to leave the kids behind with H for a while to forge on with getting a place. So moved by your story. So glad your Divorce has come through and you have the children back. Are you on 50/50 custody arrangements now with your ex ?

@Lmnop22 , thanks for the reminder that these waves of grief will get shallower and yes to keeping eyes on the end goal , to be free of this daily narcissistic unthinking abuse - the worst part for me is how he seems completely unaware of how abusive he is and acts shocked when I express grief , he geniunely believes he has been a good spouse - sometimes it feels like crazy making, the level of gaslighting and denial.

@Catza , thank you , will get the book and give it a read this weekend

@AmyDuPlantier , thank you this was inspiring and motivating to read - ' an empty bleak marriage is no life at all' especially this line - I should get it framed and remind myself every morning - I think the idea is still ingrained in a lot of us who grew up in the 80s /90s and before - that, staying married , keeping to the marriage vows, is what one should do and must do. Even now in 2026, the childhood beliefs are hard to shake off. Deeply ingrained and conditioned as they have been for decades.

@Hollyleaves , thank you , so much good advice in your post, I read it through multiple times - I do watch Dr Ramani's channel on you tube - and have downloaded material from the freedom Prog, although I need to pay and do the full thing having heard so much about how useful it is. I have been wanting to sign up to a yoga retreat for this year - doing 'me stuff' appears to have become an alien concept in the past 20 years. It has been all about him, right from day 1, I see that now. I feel disconnected from self, it is a horribly disorienting feeling

All the best to you in the future.

In my mind , this is the LTB plan right now and I feel like this way is most drama free, paperwork free, hassle free, organic

1. Stay separated to all intents and purposes under the same roof till 2028 and DS goes to Uni. I have moved into the spare room already past two nights. The house is ,bless, big enough (still under mortgage , not mortgage free) that we can live for the next 30 months in the same place without bumping into each other much except for the shared kitchen. He rarely cooks anyway.
2. Once DS leaves home for uni, we sell the family home, I buy myself a small flat hopefully with an extra room for DS, should he go to local uni from home/ want to come home weekends & all holidays
3. Hope to continue to work as long as my health permits (is tough with peri meno in full swing at the mo, but I actually hope in three years when crossing 50, that post meno brings a second spring health-wise , fingers crossed)
4. Use the next 30 months while waiting to move out - to reconnect with old female friends, local community , make some new female friends.
5. Be a support system for son as he navigates college applications etc in a year/18 months.
6. As H has stopped doing anything around the house, and I am doing all the cooking and washing up - he has eaten the leftovers once yesterday and I wasnt feeling petty enough to ask him now to eat what I made for DS and me , he can eat it if he wants - and the house is a lot to keep clean to get in a fortnightly cleaner if I can afford it, so I do not feel so run down all the time and have a bit more me time on weekends

Anyone else waiting till DC 18+ to leave like me?

Do not know if I can wait the 2 years, this is so painful ....like a wound that just keeps bleeding....I have serious doubts all the time if this is is beneficial for DS at all (having his dad around in the same house as a family) , or actually keeping him in a toxic environment longer than needed .....H asked me to come out to get stuff for the house, bits and pieces yesterday and DS came too ....H used the car ride to tell me everything that was a disappointment about me .....

this is so painful at times, to face the fact that this barely half life is life.....

Have you ended it with DH?

If so, why are you and him and your DS going out together to buy house bits? Just say no!

He knows I am extremely unhappy, and constantly says what a disappointment the marriage is to him

However, doesnt realise I am serious about leaving in 2 years I guess, poss since I have said it a million times in 20 plus years and he now thinks with 50 looming in 3 years that I will not, I guess.

Still wants to do one drive to the shops on a saturday or sunday , I think it is more because I do all the cleaning and most of the cooking (80-85pc) and leave the weekly shops for basics to him and he feels that is me queening it , I do not drive and he does

My life is ridiculous @Lmnop22

Avoided any saturday or sunday time with him for weeks now, and ended up going along on sunday, for a few hours, my bad

DS also tries so hard to get out of any time with his dad these days , I dont know if I went along for DS

I would plan to leave in July this year. Sounds like your DS has GCSEs this summer so try to keep that as stable as possible for him. But I wouldn't subject yourself to another 2 years of this. If you can afford to move without immediately selling the house and take DS with you id be tempted to do that - just for the peace. But leaving the house has its disadvantages.

I assume DS has already applied for sixth form although later entry is very possible with sixth from colleges.

Sounds so stressful, please rethink staying for 2 years like this. It sounds toxic. I'm not sure it sounds sustainable and it would be a huge upheaval for your son both leaving school and family home at same time. Perhaps too much all at once. Are you able to learn to drive going forward?

OP I would not condemn yourself to living in limbo for another two years. That is going to be miserable and you’re putting your life on hold for no reason. You don’t need to wait until your son goes to uni to press on. It will likely be better for all of you in the long run to live separately well before that. I’d start looking at getting your house on the market and aiming to move this summer if you can. Hope you’re ok. You don’t have to listen to any nonsense from your ex. Once he starts harping on just tell him you’re not listening and try and shut him out. How dare he list all the things about you that disappoint him? Who does he think he is!

I would plan to separate this summer. I think it’s better for dc to have their parents around while they adjust and help them deal with their feelings. And to establish a new normal of 2 houses before they go. I think it’s awful for those who go to uni if their parents immediately split. It ruins what should be a happy time when they are focussed on themselves and often dc feel they’ve lost their home and don’t have a home to come back to. It’s very common for students in that situation to stay in their uni town in holidays and lose contact with their parents. They won’t have a support network at uni from the start so will just be anxious and sad on their own.

At 16 they will probably bounce back quite quickly as their focus is more on their own lives and friends and it’s unlikely splitting this summer will affect their school work. It will be an emotional rollercoaster for everyone but it is with teens that age anyway. It’s also conflict rather than separation that affects dc so if you can agree to coparent well then it probably won’t have a big impact. Some dc are relieved and will be happier if their home is a calm one.

You would also have the opportunity to discuss uni finances as separating can affect loan entitlements etc (assuming you are in England) and there is no expectation on the non resident parent to pay anything towards uni if you have not specifically agreed that.

Your life isn’t ridiculous, you’re being strong and trying to protect your children.

A close friend of mine had his parents announce a split as soon as he left for university and it was not less traumatic then than it would have been years before. It’s never really a good time. I would try and bring forward your plan if you can because your happiness matters and you can’t be a martyr in this to protect your children when their feelings are hurt either way

Don't wait another 2 years, you're mourning the loss of the life you thought you'd have not the one you've got.

Following with interest

Oh @DexterMorgansmum no no no no. You can't go on like this for 2 years - you have only one life. Why would you sacrifice yourself for your son, while also exposing him to the example that your STBEH is providing? It sounds so deeply unhappy that you need to run. None of this is what you want DS to think is normal. Imagine if he behaved to a future partner with the bullying contempt that your STBEH shows you?

Nah, Mrs. Wise up. I know you can do this. Of course you can. Don't let this twat of a man take any more of your precious precious time up than it has to to simply evict him from your life. Tell your son very little detail but validate his lived experience. "you can see that there are problems between your father and I. I want you to know, if you're in a situation where you're unhappy, where the relationship is breaking down, you can leave. It's allowed and sometimes, it's for the best. Remember the good times, recognise when things have changed and you need to accept a new path in life."