Handhold pls - finally accepted my marriage is over

[DexterMorgansmum]

I have posted on here before, as recent as November re problems in my marriage - H insisting I was lazy when I am actually quite hardworking - hold down a senior management corporate job and do most of the work around the house - and that he was likewise driving DS16 to feel anything other than A*/A's was unacceptable.

Wont go into the latest rows but decided over Christmas , I am done - 23 years, a lifetime of trying at 46 and I just don't have the energy to try anymore to fix this.

Incredibly sad - despite DS being around everyday on school holiday which I feel should be enough to keep the blues away - why is it that we objectively know the marriage has been shitty since forever, and yet mourn the end of it this much?

Anyone else who came to the same path over the Xmas 'festive' period?

I keep telling myself I cannot allow myself to stay blue and to snap out of it

I have serious doubts all the time if this is is beneficial for DS at all (having his dad around in the same house as a family) , or actually keeping him in a toxic environment longer than needed .

Why stay? Your son is telling you loud and clear he wants out. Just start the process. You can do the divorce online by yourself but you must do the financials with a solicitor overseeing it. Get a one off consultation to find out your rights.

DS also tries so hard to get out of any time with his dad these days

Please don’t stay for 2 more years if there’s any other way. I used the time after deciding to leave until I did actually make the leap to save up as much money as I could to fund renting a flat for me and my 2 children (5 and 8 at the time). It did end taking 2 years but that was partly because I wasn’t ready psychologically, and partly because I was waiting until I had enough saved that I wouldn’t need anything from him. If he’s been emotionally abusing you then it’s likely that you are left feeling like you can’t be strong, and while taking the leap is extremely hard it sounds like it will be the right thing for both you and your son.

You know what…I intended to wait. And then I realised that I was actually forcing my kids to live in an unhappy, unhealthy environment, and that I was showing them that a marriage like that was normal.

I want more for them so I am walking the walk and showing them that being happier…is always on the table.

You know what? They’re obviously outwardly happier with the move. Two happy parents in two happy homes is much better than you all sharing one pit of misery.

OP don't wait two years. As someone whose family home was sold the minute I went to uni (in my case because my parents had mesher order, so my mum was allowed to stay in it until the last one of us left education, that one being me) it was very destabilising. I never felt my mum's new home was my home because I hadn't permanently lived in it, as I was only coming home from uni holidays, and the timing of it menant I felt very responsible. It's certainly not worth the sacrifice of you feeling miserable for the next two years and your teen presumably aware of and living in that atmosphere.
There's never a 'good' time but if you can, avoid the exams and get them settled somewhere before they're ready to leave home.

Thank you for the kind responses, I had a cry after reading them on the day - but a good cry that I needed to have. Felt stronger afterwards.

On Sunday, he decided to bring up again these old friends of ours who have been a bone of contention for years now. Originally I friend'ed' them as they were neighbours in the community we lived in 10 years ago - after about 5 years I tried withdrawing from them a bit, as I felt 'used' , I was doing all the hosting - and did not feel like it was mutual , every time we wanted to spend time together it seemed like I was doing the work to make it happen.

After I withdrew, is when H decided they were his best friends and refused to let me back off basically. After we moved, they continued dropping in uninvited once a month whenever it pleased them, as I knew H liked them I let it happen

One Christmas day, they dropped in suddenly when I had family and some other friends from the new community about to come over later that day, and I was so busy spinning a thousand plates - work had been particularly stressful the week before as well, and I had work commitments to do for as early as 2nd January weighing heavily on me for when I was going back into the office

I did not snap at them when they came that day but during a new year eve party that was being planned in the old community whatsapp group , I jokingly (half) said why not meet at X's house this time to see how they would handle hosting being forced on them for once and apparently they were extremely upset I said that and they stopped talking to me ever since or visiting - and H reminds me of my cruelty to them when I knew they didnt like being the host and trying to put them on the spot and force it on them. He reminds me of this almost once a month every month since 2022 , how I ruined that friendship for him

I probably could have handled those weirdos better, but just an example of literally how H has never had my back once in 20 years and actually , I am beginning to realise that my hatred of him as I wait for two more years to pass (this summer is a much better idea I know) is getting even more deeper than I thought possible

I hate him

The summer is a much better idea.

You will crack under the pressure of your dementor DH.

Is DS doing exams this year. GCSE? They will be over by the end of June. Start planning now.

Grey rock him, OP. You have no time for his nonsense any more. Put up that wall, and make your plans. I wish you well.

I left after GCSEs. I'm not sure what the point is in telling him you plan to leave in 2 years and also expecting him to take this seriously. It's just going to stir up more trouble for no good reason. By all means have a plan and follow it.

Yes Nat 5 in May......I have been looking at rentals near the school now for June/July .....

Yes he thinks no way will I go , but every time I am almost out the door he somehow gets me to back down .......as late as 2023/2024 I have fallen for tears or promises or threats

Sometimes makes it impossible to grey rock by almost getting in my face when I ignore - I have not once stopped him from calling, meeting or making plans with these imaginary or fake friends whom he accuses me of tearing him apart from.

I re-read living with the dominator again last night .......and he always puts me down in front of friends and has done over the decades, He is actually the one that spoils all my friendships and makes me a general anomaly when out and about in society whenever he can.... he tries to make me a laughing stock whenever he possibly can, but many friends are too kind to find his put downs funny and instead start withdrawing from us

Grey rock isn't ignore - it's indifference. You are indifferent to whatever it is he says. It no longer has anything to do with you or your wellbeing.

It's up to him what he does with his friendships, you have no cause to comment or do anything with that. Who cares? Not you.

If you ever feel unsafe, though, that's another matter altogether. You are not goading him, you are indifferent. If he gets in your face, and wont stop, tell him you'll call the police.

Again, with the laughing stock. Who cares? He's the one with the problem, let him make a fool of himself. You can build bridges once you've left him, if you want to.

Another Sunday, another dramatic scene from him, another evening of spent crying and miserable and awfully guilty that I cant give my son a normal happy family weekend.....or at least a peaceful household

A girlfriend of mine was coming over to see me yesterday night , we were going to let the teen DC play video games or chat upstairs while we chilled over some pizza maybe downstairs, he suddenly announces in the afternoon that he will cook a roast dinner type elaborate meal for my friend as he has missed human company ....asks if she can bring her husband along but says he will cook for her even if she is here alone with her DC sans husband, then when I get taken by surprise over the elaborate meal hes cooking up a frenzy instead of his usual sunday routine (he only cooks one meal for every 15 meals I do) - he immediately accuses me of suspecting he's trying to have an affair with my friend and how shes a mutual friend and not 'my' friend (funny how everything of mine is mutual and everything of his is only his)

I ended up in such a low state about how pathetic my marriage was I called off my friend coming by pleading illness....

You cannot live like this for one more week/month. It will destroy you mentally and eventually physically. It is Mental Abuse. He is an Abuser. Contact Women's Aid, a solicitor and report this to the Police (they probably won't do anything but it will be on record).

Can you afford to rent a small flat? If so move out quickly and silently, taking DS with you if possible. It is not in your DS's best interests to stay with this person.

Wishing you all the best and be Strong.

@WatalotIgot , I have lost all respect for myself for not having left yet.....

I think he is deliberately making this as difficult for you, mentally, as he can. Even if the friend you had invited was a mutual friend, to suggest a couples' evening when you are separating, to me, seems like mind games / semi gas lighting.

I was sad to see your post saying you have lost respect for yourself because you haven't left yet. Don't be hard on yourself. It's not going to be easy. Just keep chipping away at the small things you can do to move yourself forward.

Better days ahead, @DexterMorgansmum

Leaving is so hard when everything is tied up and there are kids involved. Don’t be so hard on yourself. One day at a time. Eventually you’ll snap and your only choice will be to leave as soon as possible. Sending you a huge hug xx

Please don't stay any longer than this summer. I stayed too long and it is not the best thing to do. Leaving is hard but the day after is marvellous. You deserve a calm and contented life so go and live it. Your Son will be fine x

@DexterMorgansmum, I’m in a similar place to you. I cannot stay for 2 years, I’m probably leaving after DS’s GCSEs. You could always keep me company…?

Thanks everyone , your kindness always brings me to grateful tears....

handhold to you and unmumsnetty hugs @VillaOfReducedCircumstances

You are miserable, and your kid is miserable. You need to get away from STBXH ASAP. I know you don't want to create instability for DS, but he's watching this shit show. He's having to live in this terribly toxic environment. It's soul destroying. You need to take legal advice. They will probably tell you to stay in the house, but its a toxic environment, and I'd explain that. I think you need individual counselling. I'd make an appointment to see a family therapist with DC so you can chat about things with him as well and how things are impacting him. You need out. I wouldn't even wait till summer. I'd get out at the start of February half term it gives you a week to settle DC into a new home. It's a lot, but I think you both will be much happier away from STBXH.

It makes me feel sad reading your updates @DexterMorgansmum- I really hope you take the advice given here and start putting things in place to end the relationship and love apart as soon as possible. I know you don’t want to disrupt your son’s upcoming GCSEs but I think you need to tell your husband that the relationship is over, you want to divorce and you want to do so without disrupting your DS. Put a time plan in place, and tell your husband that you are now separated and will be living apart at the end of May. You need to start the process I think for the sake of your own mental health. Hopefully some more Mumsnetters who have been in similar positions will come along with some more structured advice on what to do next/how to live with someone while separated and waiting to move out. You can do this OP 💪

Don't do that to yourself. Just because you haven't physically left yet doesn't mean you stop planning, or stop emotionally and mentally "decoupling". You are deep in the process of leaving and that alone can take enormous strength and tenacity.

My advice though is to stop telling him you want to leave or that you are unhappy in the relationship, or dropping clues that it's over, as he will only ramp up his abuse to try and break you. Just plan quietly so he thinks you have given up.

But don't wait two years, don't even wait until the end of school year. Be ready to go on your son's last exam day so once you know the itinerary start looking at rentals. Get your finances sorted/saved so you can leave immediately if you have to.

You’re being severely abused, please get away from him

He owes my dad 10K GBP ....he has just come by the guestroom to say he wont pay that money back that he knows my parents need back till I resume having sex with him. Like a transaction. I have said no. I dont recognise this worst version of him at all. This is low, even for a narc like him