Handhold pls - finally accepted my marriage is over

[DexterMorgansmum]

I have posted on here before, as recent as November re problems in my marriage - H insisting I was lazy when I am actually quite hardworking - hold down a senior management corporate job and do most of the work around the house - and that he was likewise driving DS16 to feel anything other than A*/A's was unacceptable.

Wont go into the latest rows but decided over Christmas , I am done - 23 years, a lifetime of trying at 46 and I just don't have the energy to try anymore to fix this.

Incredibly sad - despite DS being around everyday on school holiday which I feel should be enough to keep the blues away - why is it that we objectively know the marriage has been shitty since forever, and yet mourn the end of it this much?

Anyone else who came to the same path over the Xmas 'festive' period?

I keep telling myself I cannot allow myself to stay blue and to snap out of it

Horrified at your last update! I'd do everything I could to get him to say that in a text, or even record him and then I'd be showing everyone what kind of a man he really is! That's vile and also illegal I would imagine!

What would've happened if you said No thank you, we're getting pizza...? And stuck to that, rather than him cooking.

It sounds very much like he's trying to regain control and put on the show of being a wonderful attentive husband. They will do this... Everyone else thinks they're charming and thoughtful, it's part of the emotional abuse so that you are confused and questionning your own reality (ie.. "Is it really that bad?? ")

Sending you hugs. X

This is coercive control and financial abuse.

Please speak to women's aid.

In time you'll see this for what it was x

Good lord OP , get yourself out of there please. He sounds unhinged. Keep yourself safe.

What you are seeing now is who he is and has been all along. He put on an act just long enough for you to entertain the idea of marriage and children by him. He targeted you all those years ago. He like so many abusers is probably quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Do not wait until the summer to leave your (and in turn your son's) abuser. Certainly do not wait another two years either because that would also give him two more years in which to destroy you and your child with it.

Start planning your exit now with due care and attention. Contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisation (if you are in England, they can give you some limited legal advice). Find a trusted friend or rent out a locker you can leave some of your possessions with or in. Contact local firms of Solicitors.
I would also contact the police if and when you feel threatened.

You need to seek legal advice and start divorce proceedings asap. Your abuser is not going to make the process of you separating from him at all straight forward because he is abusive. He wants to continue to "punish" you for having the gall to be leaving him, in his head he is the most perfect of specimens who feels he has done no wrong when it comes to you and his child. To him you are but mere possessions.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
I would also suggest you seek counselling for yourself re this whole idea of you trying to fix things and unlearn that. It was never your job to fix him and he cannot be fixed anyway. Being a fixer in a relationship never works out at all well. Such types of men also hate women, all of them.

https://womensaid.scot/

In the event you are in Scotland

https://www.scottishwomensrightscentre.org.uk

Have you been getting your ducks in a row. Collating evidence of earnings, mortgage, pensions info, marriage certificates etc. Have you got that loan in writing from your dad, if not get it done with witnesses and evidence that you both received the money etc.

Have you investigated solicitors that get good results with those divorcing in your circumstances.

I think you need legal advice on renting a 2 bed place and leaving ASAP.

I agree with this. My eldest DC left for uni in September and it's a time of huge change and, quite often, turmoil. I would definitely go sooner rather than later.
My parents separated when I was in my teens OP, and though I love my dad, I am so so grateful to my mum for modelling taking action in unhappy situations. I had a wobbly few weeks, then I was so so glad they were apart. It was a great gift my mother gave us kids, deciding to end the marriage. I'm so glad I got to see her happy.

@DexterMorgansmum

I understand and relate to your wish to prioritise stability for DS. I really do.

However, I really think you should leave asap. Dont wait the 29 or so months. It’s not good for you at all.

Just end it now and start to rebuild your life - slowly.

What you are doing at the moment is torturous.

@Velvetcloud25

Thank you for sharing your story. I too had to leave my kids in the family home and it was also a terrible time. I felt so judged and like a terrible mum. I just could not compete with him financially and the abuse (physical, emotional) was such that I had to leave

It took a year or just over to get myself settled and I am still poor / carless etc but things are infinitely better now.
Thanks for sharing your story.

OP please do not stay and continue to put your son in this position. My parents did this to me and it was hell and my dad made it horrendous for my mum so much so that she left one day without anything but the clothes she was wearing. He will make it really difficult for you to stay in the same house and it will be awful for your son.

Leave asap and take your son with you. Rent a little house or flat or stay with family/friends. A hotel or b&b even in the short term. The abuse will only escalate if you stay.

Can you get in writing about the threat of the loan? Presumably that is evidence of coercive control?

He is used to me giving in to threats and letting things slide 'for another few months more....'

I have said no this morning to the latest attempt at coercive control (while usually I might have told myself , what's another few more weeks of moving back into the main bedroom and then moving back to guest bedroom when hes paid back the loan, when I have done it with him a billion times already in 23 years' but this morning I just said no.

I am hoping I called his bluff, I cant imagine him not paying money due when push comes to shove, I will update

That is disgusting! I’d have responded “Ok. Will you be informing my dad of this new agreement or should I call him for you now?”

sometimes I feel like this is all unreal ....a 23 year nightmare I would wake up from, the fights and the hatred I receive from H many a time .....except that having my son was part of the 23 years too and I would never call having my son a nightmare, not at all.

Fuck me. That's literally what I gasped out loud as I read that.
In short, your plan of living under the same roof simply won't work. He will start dating pretty soon and it will destroy you even further to stay under the same roof as him. Never, ever stay for the kids. It's so, so damaging for them.
Get therapy ASAP. Not a life coach. Just a v good therapist. I know someone good if you're in the NW (or she does online too). She was so good when I left my abusive relationship.
The only way to do it is to separate properly, sell up, move out. Don't even contemplate trying to co exist in the same house.

I put it on the family whatsapp group - which was my siblings as well

My sister immediately said I can cover for you , dont move back in under coercion....Im seeing how I can use my own funds to pay back though rather than getting my sister to bail out - its unlikely my parents are going to ask for it back now anyway that they know this latest horror, its me who keeps wanting to pay it back as I know they do need it back, they arent rolling in it - as an aside, my mother still thinks my marriage is fixable by the way, the eternal optimist

Sorry if I’ve missed it anywhere, but how close are you to your parents? Do they know how you feel? Can you tell your dad what your husband is threatening? (To pay if you have sex with him)

They dont even understand how it got to separate bedrooms fully as he is usually performing on best behaviour for them until very recently

All they know is he works two jobs, earns well (but so do I), and he doesnt drink , do drugs, or have other women

I dont think they understand narcissim , gaslighting - they don't understand evil for the sake of evil I suppose - I'm not explaining it well......

My mother also thinks my peri meno and uterine fibroids - and his recent diabetes diagnosis etc- have all lead to depressions etc

Anyway, I have said a firm no to him , we will see now.

If there is some proof of the loan - an email? A text? Anything to prove he got the money and that it was not a gift, then you should be able to claim the money back in a small claims court (limit is £10k so will be tight). If they have decent proof, your parents should go down this route. It’s not too expensive or complex.

he has just come by the guestroom to say he wont pay that money back that he knows my parents need back till I resume having sex with him

If he tries this again ask him if he knows what the custodial sentence is for rape under coercion. Because this is exactly what he would be doing. Raping you.

the conversation was -

Him - Lets have a quickie, we both have needs
Me - I need nothing from you sexually or emotionally. THis weekend was the millionth time I told myself this is the last straw of utter disrespect and I am done.
Him- Why should I pay for the property arrangement then. Why should i still keep doing my duties
Me - pls leave the room
End of convo

Not strictly a loan. I spoke about this earlier last year on an older thread, it was us doing some renovations to a property that I will be inheriting from my parents - in return for us (me!) getting some use of the property when the renovation is done - its the builders now asking for the payment due - and if we (hes got the 10 in a bank account to pay the builder that I dont have a joint name on) , dont pay the builder my parents probably will (and now my sister says she will)
I of course should have separated finances long ago with H, but it has always been straightforward and not something I cared as much about as custody took up all my terrified worry time and panic bouts - this is the only tricky financial arrangement we have ever had in a sense

Sorry for long post

He sent me a text while I had completely forgotten my situation for once and was following another thread/poster's situation on here today - to say he has paid the money we owe my parents (this will have to be factored in when we split ofc)

That's something I suppose - a good post from me for once

That's good OP, and will give you a bit of breathing space to focus on how to get out rather than worrying about bailiffs or beefy builders. Just be careful as it could be a way for him to say "look at me, I'm one of the good guys and everything else is you over dramatising it (as usual)". Dont let him reel you back in this time and keep one eye open.