Handhold pls - finally accepted my marriage is over

[DexterMorgansmum]

I have posted on here before, as recent as November re problems in my marriage - H insisting I was lazy when I am actually quite hardworking - hold down a senior management corporate job and do most of the work around the house - and that he was likewise driving DS16 to feel anything other than A*/A's was unacceptable.

Wont go into the latest rows but decided over Christmas , I am done - 23 years, a lifetime of trying at 46 and I just don't have the energy to try anymore to fix this.

Incredibly sad - despite DS being around everyday on school holiday which I feel should be enough to keep the blues away - why is it that we objectively know the marriage has been shitty since forever, and yet mourn the end of it this much?

Anyone else who came to the same path over the Xmas 'festive' period?

I keep telling myself I cannot allow myself to stay blue and to snap out of it

I am. Once my eldest is 18 and has finished his senior schooling (Year 12) we may officially separate but right now I have just quiet quit the marriage until then. Have spent last year rebuilding my female friendships and mental health and self esteem and plan to make this year about financial security and building on my own business.

We too will probably stay separated under the one roof until youngest is 18, but he is only 10 now so this will involve probably building a granny flat out the back, or developing downstairs as a separate unit, which fortunately we do have a large enough property for and can afford.

I'd rather not, but DS2 has ASD and his mental health trumps my desire to have DH out of my hair.

Very similar situation to yours, with some abusive behaviours over the years and alot of neglect and taking me for granted. It's been the 'DH show' I like to call it. I've been a supporting player and I'm done. Together 26 years, married for 19.

Your mother is not an eternal optimist. She is one of the reasons why you both got into and stayed in and abusive marriage. She should be ashamed of herself and her attitude.

Please try to find some external support that does not include your parents. They may feel like safe people but they have a massive blind spot in this situation and appear unable to advocate for their daughter's well-being.

If anything you do for yourself -- learn to drive.

For the sake of your DS even if not for yours, please leave him asap OP. Your DS tries to get out of time with him? That says it all. And when you do split, DS is old enough to say he doesn’t want to see him, he can’t be forced into it.

Please understand that keeping your son in this environment for another 2yrs is not in his best interests in anyway. You need to make arrangements to leave asap. Living in this situation will be doing far more damage to him than moving house. Bet he will be happy to be away from his father. He sounds absolutely vile and you deserve so much better.

Thanks to all those who posted, the advice really helps me find strength....

Yesterday H came in and sat our son down while I was also in the same room(living room) and told him that he (H) was leaving the UK in July of 2026 once the school year was done - and was moving to the same country where my FIL has retired to - he intends to live the expat retired life there enjoying the low cost of living there - he will be 55 this year (7.5 years older than me) and his dad is 90 - and also be a companion for his dad (his father is still relatively healthy and active and a Carer role is not yet required).

Astonished at how cool and practical my 16 year old DS was ! He asked -

1. Can you afford to retire already?
2. Will you and mum sell this house? Will you give mum half the proceeds of this house and how much will that likely to be?

My husband answered that half the sale proceeds that he gives us before leaving is likely to be around 200K , slightly more - my son then asks me if I can get a mortgage or rental near his high school where he still has sixth form through 26-28 to finish. I reply in the affirmative and the only other thing DS asks him is shall we keep in touch daily on calls, whatsapp etc and H says of course and that was their discussion

Son comes up to an hour or two later to say lets take this bed and the one in my room - and some of the living room furniture - I say ok.

I think it knocked me for six , this actual very practical conversation where DS seemed ok at 16 that his father was moving to another country.
I thought we were going to separate and both live near DS - but I guess this is what H wants to retire abroad with his father where he can retire early and still get a decent standard of living with the low costs. I know a lot of his unhappiness and frustration has always been having to work a corporate job for 10 more years, which he takes out on me.

No talk of course of CMS, for two more years - helping toward my son school fees for two more years (he goes to private/fee paying and I do not want to move him now for the last two years of it) - but that's okay I can cope

Feeling inexplicably sad - just at what could have been - and how many things i could have done better in the past 23 years.

Moment that made me smile was when my DS said - I don't think its likely dad will get with someone at his age (we are ancient to teens) but I don't think I will react badly if he does - BUT, please don't get a boyfriend mum, I don't think I would like that at all :-)

I have just read your whole thread, and I am so pleased that your last post is such a positive one. I do think a few more months of living with him will be awful, but if you can get the house on the market that is good.

Hope the move went well Amy?

Men always get new girlfriends. Always. Especially if he's moving to a poorer country. Older women are far less likely to.
It is really sad when long relationships end. That wistful nostalgic feeling is a difficult one to deal with. You can only ride it out and carve out a new life for yourself. Short of throwing yourself off a tall building, there's no other choice than to move forward. I wish you well.

@FourAndFive , I remember following your thread last year I think, it may have been the thread where the husband had a hobby friend, not sure - hope you are okay now, I can't quite find the thread now to recall how it ended but I was following at the time and hoping you'd be okay, please can you link your thread .....

Just wanted to say you are doing SO WELL. Stay strong. Your son sounds wonderful and your family - despite your mum just not getting it. Good luck with the coming months. ♥️🙌🏻🤗

How are you doing this week @VillaOfReducedCircumstances

I will be a lot poorer too @HelpMeUnpickThis , `but hopefully much happier eventually ....

What are your custody arrangements with your Ex if your kids are still less than 18 YO

@DexterMorgansmum we have 50/50 custody but he often asks me to have them more.

How are you doing this week @DeepRubySwan

Rebuilding female friendships is on my agenda too

Stop telling him how unhappy you are, and stop saying you want to leave. I was living like you in 2019, very similar dynamics. XH was VERY angry when he realised I was serious about leaving. I expect yours will be too and will do everything to make your life hell. I suggest you stop complaining, keep quiet and plan the move. Find a new place, copy bank statements, talk to a lawyer, and rip the bandage at the last minute.
Looks like you still want him to validate your feelings, to own how he hurt you. Give up. He probably never will. In my case, the only thing that kept me sane was detaching. I stopped expecting anything from him. Any expectation will hurt you.

Yes that is first on the list @OhcantthInkofaname - already did 9 hours of practical lessons and studying the theory again - failed the haphazard perception last time not sure why - I could have gotten an automatic car years ago and my learners license might have at least allowed me to go the station 2 mins drive away - but I think H always put obstacles to driving more so in recent years, it was definitely a means of control - he even asked in 2023 , who are you so eager to meet up with that you have started taking lessons now - he usually likes/liked knowing my every move back then.

Hazard perception even :-), no wonder I failed it lol

Hi OP - here is thread 2. I've tried to update the thread many times, and I will when I'm can, I'm having what's best described as a sad patch - so it's hard to update it coherently.

He is home, laughter and team work is back - but it feels surface level, and on quicksand. He's doing all the "right things", but its almost like I'm on hold...

Anyway, not here to derail your thread. Sending much love. It looks like things are moving forward for you - onwards, eh!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5395906-something-isnt-right-thread-2?page=33&reply=150050537

I love how your H has conveniently forgotten he will need to share all marital assets including pensions.
I think you need to divorce ASAP before he goes abroad.

Sounds like you won’t get any CMS!

Yep @RandomMess no talk of CMS or school fees sharing (1.5K a month fees gulp) !

Each keep our own pensions (I might have more in mine so not contesting that either ways), and half proceeds of this house that is almost paid off .....not muchother savings - but I know there is around 25-30K leftover after reducing how much he paid for the property arrangement - I don't think he intends to give me any of that either to help with school fees re S5 and S6....

But at least he hasnt said he wants my son XX weeks to holiday at the warmer Isles he is moving to !!!!- FIL is I think at best a misogynist and at worst I dont want to even get into now, whole other essay :-) .......

When we used to speak of retirement during our 30s etc., I always used to say I would retire as early as I possibly can - and he would say he would keep going till 65/67 - now here I am still plodding on and here he is saying he is off to retire in August - none of my business though anymore.

@DexterMorgansmum, wow, things have moved along for you. It sounds like your son is OK, and also very practical. I’m sure he notices which parent is stepping up, and which one is skipping off into the sunset.

I think things are moving here a bit too - I’m close to making an offer on a house, so at least we might not have to be under the same roof for too long. I just look at STBXH and think Who even are you? a few times per day. We’re usually relatively amicable though. Now I just need to send the offer email…

But as you will have to provide a home for your DS you need to argue for more, include the school fees and maintenance in your justification for it.

He is welcome for DS to go and visit provided he pays for the travel costs!

My Sister in law in 2013 , at age 40 , accused her Father (my FIL) of sexual abuse when she was a child and that her mother had 'facilitated it' - I would never have known but H had put her on speaker phone in the car not realising it was anything other than a casual monthly call

After that she disappeared like literally , they don't even know which city, not on social media etc - and H's other sister said that these must be false memories because of the quack therapist she was going to , to cope with infertility.

So H and his other sister , never even asked their dad was it true, they felt that is too insulting. They have not actively searched for this sister either as far as I know to find out how she is. She adopted a daughter and on that same call had said she would not let the baby anywhere near my FIL

She seemed distant but okay from 2004-2012 but hard to say as visiting from the US only few times.

So ....I can't say for sure if she was speaking the truth or not, but I managed to stay hypervigilient when visiting in laws when DS was a toddler not to leave him alone with them etc, just in case. I noticed H also never insisted on leaving him with them alone

You can't make this stuff up. I suppose it's okay now at 16.......but I wouldn't be ecstatic - other holidays somewhere else with just his dad is okay of course