Handhold pls - finally accepted my marriage is over

[DexterMorgansmum]

I have posted on here before, as recent as November re problems in my marriage - H insisting I was lazy when I am actually quite hardworking - hold down a senior management corporate job and do most of the work around the house - and that he was likewise driving DS16 to feel anything other than A*/A's was unacceptable.

Wont go into the latest rows but decided over Christmas , I am done - 23 years, a lifetime of trying at 46 and I just don't have the energy to try anymore to fix this.

Incredibly sad - despite DS being around everyday on school holiday which I feel should be enough to keep the blues away - why is it that we objectively know the marriage has been shitty since forever, and yet mourn the end of it this much?

Anyone else who came to the same path over the Xmas 'festive' period?

I keep telling myself I cannot allow myself to stay blue and to snap out of it

sorry @RandomMess that was a long ramble there.

H came along to the Predicted Grades meeting with teachers at school - my son is hardly speaking to him and actually asked him to stay uninvolved and said 'mum supporting me with exam prep is more than enough for me'

He (H) decided to still tag along and listen to the teachers - the whole time he (H i mean) just sat there with us with a look of utter revulsion and contempt on his face because DS had got three 4 Bs and 4 As instead of 8 A1/A*'s.......

Hey missed replying earlier, read back the full thread again last week - take your time with deciding what you want to do - but I think it says something that you have been following a thread about someone posting on biding their time for a few more years to leave ....... Hugs @FourAndFive , you handled everything that happened with class and poise !!

were there other problems with him as well as saying you are lazy and pushing people all the tiem?

wow those fees are insane!

So don't tell him till you're walking out the door.

He doesn't deserve more

Sorry OP NRTFT but my dad waited until my younger brother was 18 to leave and it was horrible for everyone involved, it was just dragging out the inevitable. I wish it had happened sooner.

Just Anger mainly is the top problem now , his yelling shouting for tiny things

Yelled at DS this morning for coming downstairs 5 minutes late , he was taking DS to a sports tournament they both play at

DS face looked so angry at his father , he is 16 he should be treated like an emerging young man not like some petty criminal

After all the responses on this thread, I see I should be leaving for DS , not inspite of DS and child's need for a stable two parent family - that is impossible anyway, at least a peaceful environment and stable one parent routine for most of the week (assuming his father wants to see him every week as long as he is here in the same city)

And yet the GCSE/Nat 5s are just 3 months away now and I still think summer is best......

OP as pp have said in their accounts, no matter how long you live ‘as housemates’ de facto separated, once you actually make the move it all changes very quickly. Or can do. He will stop driving to the shops for one thing and may become very selfish. More so than usual. You have to really be ready, or desperate to go, when you jump. I was desperate. But it took two years of hail-biting hell until I was then out the other side.

Also as a side point I have a few friends who grew up in houses where the mum endured staying with the angry/cheating dad ‘for the kids’ and they’re not doing well now. One keeps taking back an angry serial cheater husband and the other keeps bullying his partners/not committing properly. It’ll set a good example if you go. Also re perimenopause: I found it quite useful to use the beginning of the PM horror feeling as a rocket booster out of my marriage. I was remorseless and didn’t look back, then sweated out all my rage like some kind of divorce Incredible Hulk. It actually helps if you should be divorcing (though I know it also ruins lots of good marriages).

@DexterMorgansmum trust me, there is nothing like a peaceful environment for your son. Honestly divorced and my home is our haven. No arguing or shouting. My partner stays over when kids are at their dad’s ( one is at uni anyway). It suits me down to the ground. It’s so nice not to have a man about the place all of the time!

You should definitely be getting your DS out of this situation as soon as you can, it’s very damaging. This man is clearly deeply damaged and with no self awareness of that he is toxic to everyone around him.

You do have a chance of having a proper loving relationship in the future (with someone else). But only if you address the codependency that led you to this situation. Take plenty of time once you’re free to work on your self esteem, boundaries and recognising what’s acceptable & what isn’t, and acting accordingly. There are some great accounts on instagram that are super helpful for overcoming codependency. For example I think Robin Clark (loverobinclark) is excellent- a feminist lens is so empowering for those of us who been subjected to this kind of abuse from men for decades. Accept you likely have CPTSD as well and look at how to help heal that - the trauma is stored in your body.

Is your house on the market? Even if it sells immediately (& it’s not a great market right now in UK - not sure if that’s where you are), & it will take at least 3 months to go through. That’s absolute best case. So to be sure to be rehoused before DS 6th form starts you need to get on to it asap.

Have you talked to DS about where he wants to do A levels? My DS wants to change to a state school from private as it looks better on university applications here and he’s quite strategic like that! Plus he fancies change. But if your DS wants to stay put it wld be good to facilitate that, he may need that stability.

The loan from your parents is a marital debt it gets deducted from the overall pot surely? Have you consulted a family lawyer yet? I would it asap - don’t let him get away with financially ripping off you and your DS! Insist his contribution to your DS for the next 2 yrs is included in your side of the settlement if he’s leaving the country. Gather evidence of all of this, all financial documents (don’t let h know this).

At the end of the day, the only thing want from this situation is as much equity as possible to set you & your DS up for the rest of your lives. Forget the relationship with him he’s toxic as shit and clearly couldn’t give a crap about DS if his first thought is to leave the country & contribute nothing to him (oh and force him into the company of his pedo father). BTW at 16 can refuse to have anything to do him, so visits are not compulsory if he doesn’t want.

Oh @DexterMorgansmumthank you for asking.

I am so happy I can’t even tell you.

I am loving your updates and that a fresh life is on the horizon for you. KEEP GOING ❤️❤️

He has just yelled at me this morning when he could not find the lid to a kitchen pan/pot

Enough now, stop dragging this out. My son said to me after i finally divorced his dad " why did you wait so long didn't you think about the lesson you were teaching me and my siblings" You are teaching your son it is ok for a man to treat their wife like a piece of dirt on their shoe. Do the right thing by your poor son today.

You need to end this now. He’s clearly got anger Al management issues but this is not a you problem. You need to take first steps to end this. You and your son cannot continue to live like this.

Kids do feel a great sense of relief tbh x