Abused by parents and ex husband, why aren’t I enough.

[Satontheloo]

I am really struggling at the moment. I wasn’t good enough for my parents, particularly my mum and not enough for my ex husband also. He abused me emotionally. We share an older child who goes every other weekend. He moved on extremely quickly even after a 13 year long marriage. He’s been with his gf around 4 years and has started a family. Our oldest comes back and says he doesn’t hurt her because she is all he has ever wanted and I held him back. That’s why he abused me.

I am a quiet person, I don’t require much. Never been interested in my money or things. My husband was very much and he called me so many names. He thought I was going to be somebody who added to his life and helped him with his dreams. Instead I’m happy with little. He told me how pathetic I was, how little I was driven. He wanted to make something of his life and prove his father wrong. I think I am ND and not particularly great socially, I have no desire to be seen by everyone. He wanted to be seen, to be seen as looking good and having everything. My mum the same thing really. She wanted more from me and I am a disappointment really.

I have a small home, I don’t want for more, I’m happy with what I have. But I’m not enough. I’ve never been enough for the people in my life. My ex seems very happy now he has a gf who is so much younger and more outgoing and has lots of friends etc. My mum loves my sister more as she is very outgoing, more money , more of everything. Both of them emotionally destroyed me and I don’t know why. Why did my ex not want me for who I was?

I don’t know OP but saw your post and didn’t want to ignore it.

You sound lovely. Could it be them and not you that’s the issue?

I don’t know. I just don’t seem to be what people want and I can’t see to want what people want either.

If my ex is not abusing his girlfriend and my mum is not abusing my sister then that means I am/was the problem.

If the ex man wanted a trophy wife and married you, you are very beautiful perhaps....start loving yourself for yourself and concentrate on the happiness you already have from what you have

They sound like a pair of attention seeking narcissists.
how dare he say that to your child!
you are not the issue here. Please seek some therapy and learn to love yourself!

Actually I think you are jumping to the wrong conclusion there.
Firstly, no child should be there to meet a parent's need. That is harmful and damaging to the child to expect that.
Your sister may have been treated differently by your mum for many different reasons - eg a parent putting all their expectations on the eldest child, the child that has a particular talent/skill/ ability or for some other reason. Have a Google for Golden Child and Scapegoat Child to see some extreme versions of how this can pan out.
You don't know what your ex's relationship with his girlfriend is really like. You only know what he is "self- reporting" via your DC He may be abusing in a more subtle way, changing his behaviour when your dad is around or his girlfriend could be so familiar with abuse that she doesn't actually recognise it.

I’ll be honest.
i WAS the same in similar situation.
what I believe happens is that as children we learn people pleasing skills in order to get what little love and acceptance we can.
Those techniques we learn appeal to narcissists and they prey on the vulnerable.
its like we have a sign on our heads saying abuse me.
BUTthe good news is, is that you can change this - draw the line over these relationships and start to accept/demand better - YOU can be on your own and be happy so anyone who you allow into your life Must be worthy.
good life partners do exist

Oh OP you sound like a lovely person and in a way lucky to be content with what you have.

Other people in your life have had no right to expect the things they have from you for their own validation.
They have been unable to see the good qualities you have. That is their failing.

As a PP said, you should look into 'golden child & scapegoat child' to help explain your mum's behaviour.

I would suggest that that instead of reflecting on why you are not enough, instead consider why your mother and ex feel its ok to treat you so cruelly, please consider these people may be wrong and actually you are not only good enough but actually you are a great person!

The issue isn't with you, it's them.

Be kind to yourself OP.

You were raised by a narcissist and went onto marry a narcissist. It’s not you, it’s them and you are good enough. More than good enough actually. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. You have been the scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

Narcissistic parents make for being deplorably bad parents and it sounds like you have been left emotionally bereft. Do consider therapy here re your family of origin and drop the rope. Read Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride. Look at Dr Ramani on YouTube.

This time last year I could have written this post!
I still have a lot of long term trauma from it but I started therapy and it has helped. I'm not as tough on myself
I try to say 3 things I did that shows I have not failed today before I go to bed
Eg..... Today I got all housework done, made some lovely homemade soup and I cooked a lovely roast

No it doesn’t.

This is not want it means. Sometimes people abuse those that are conditioned to it. Sometimes they pick on the people that mirror back to them the bits to them that they despise / they want in themselves / that that
want more of or whatever.

My sister loathes me - we have been estranged for years. I never knew why she hated me and she hated me - she is a year older. We had abusive parents but they loved her and purchased her house and car when she went to university of course they didn’t have the same for me despite my grades being the same but when I dared get upset they told me I was jealous of her and forced me to deny it. This was the pattern for years. Eventually after me reaching out numerous times and asking her what the hell I had wrong. She screaming at me it’s because you are always happy, happy with a paper bag, happy with anything you bitch’
Look at scapegoat and golden child.
I was dumbfounded.

After years of therapy I found that actually my father and my sister are both so deeply unhappy and nasty people that they twisted me. NC as you know is the only way. Therapy for you. Read the body knows the score - post this on the stately homes thread.

Do not accept any abuse from your son. None - do not accept him telling you he is happy with her because she is better than you. No he can’t not say this - get him in therapy. He can not say this it is not allowed to be abused in your own home.

@Satontheloo
The person who is abused/ scapegoated is usually the most emotionally healthy person in a toxic family
They are the Scapegoat because they don't join the others in a toxic family in propping up the dysfunction.
So they are targeted

Be strong, proud and happy you are out of this now
Not wrong or wierd or not enough

OP You absolutely deserved better parents as a child and your upbringing left you vulnerable to an abusive marriage. Your parents and your Ex are very much the problem not you.

You sound like a quiet gentle person and that’s okay. It’s okay to like the things you like. If you feel not happy enough, start to find what you enjoy, try some hobbies, join a book club, get a pet …. Read the Happiness Project by Gretchen Reuben and the follow up book Happiness at Home.

Get some therapy to put your childhood and marriage in the past.

By husband thought I was someone else and I did try and be like this someone but it just made me ill. I can’t understand whether this was because he understood me wrong or if he didn’t care to know who I was. He would do things like book expensive meals out because it was what he loved and didn’t seem to recognise that I was struggling with this. I always felt under pressure to perform. I feel like I’m partly to blame because I pushed myself to go along with it. If I complained then it was a big problem. I was pathetic to be afraid of eating in expensive places. I was always a burden.

I agree with a pp. If you are brought up by a narcissistic parent you are conditioned to people please and put your needs last. You then become attractive to narcissistic dp’s. They look for those who they can enlist to serve their needs without complaint. As I’ve read more about it I think you have to self validate, which is learn to tell yourself you are enough. There are a lot of podcasts on Spotify and videos on YouTube if you are interested in finding out more.

Aside from anything else, the very fact that your ex tells your child that he doesn't hurt his new wife "because she is all he has ever wanted and I held him back. That’s why he abused me" tells me that he's a complete twat who is almost certainly still a horrible abuser. And that it would be very helpful (to you) if you could find a way to stop giving him the airtime in your head. You are fine just as you are (but it sounds like your parents trained you up to believe otherwise).

Do you know what? Maybe there's nothing wrong with any of you.

People marry the "wrong" person all the time. You just sound totally incompatible. And that's ok. He's being a bit of a twat, taking no accountability that he was just as much of a mismatch for you, but maybe you don't have to make it deeper than that.

I left my first husband within a year. I'm so driven and ambitious. I want more. I strive. I get a buzz from success. My first husband was a good man, but fuck me, a wet lettuce. Actually, he just had no desire to ever be promoted, was happy in a tiny house with very little. And my immaturity called him lazy, unmotivated, useless. He did slightly mislead me leading up to marriage, of his intentions as to where our lives would be heading, or I would never have married him. I was so frustrated with his lack of drive for anything. We were totally incompatible. He's since married a girl with zero ambition and 20yrs on, they're in no better position than the day 21yr old me filed for divorce. I wasn't abusive. But yes, I called him names born of frustration that I couldn't live that way. Arguments aren't automatically abuse.

I'm married to a "striver" now, and we do very well. Exdh wasn't enough for me. And it's ok to say that. It doesn't make him bad, or wrong. Nor me. He's found his person now. As have I.

I don't love any of my children more or less than the others. But I naturally spend more time with one of them, because we are so similar. One gravitates more to Daddy. And that's ok too. The eldest gravitates to his phone and the gym. He spends zero time with us apart from meals. It doesn't mean we love him less.

I'm not trying to minimise your experience at all. But maybe you aren't the problematic common denominator that you seem to have labelled yourself as. Maybe you're just right as you are.

I agree with every word of this. I’ve also been through it.

When you start to realise you are enough and learn to have higher expectations of people (instead of being the one to bend and fold for everyone else) life becomes a lot better. You will lose any abusers left in your life because they won’t like it, but it will leave room for decent people.

Its not you OP. You have just been surrounded by narcissists. Learn as much as you can about it. Once you learn fully what a narcissist is, you will never be fooled by one ever again. They are actually the ones wearing neon signs on their heads when you know what to look for.

Please don't believe this.

There's no excuse for abuse. NEVER.

If your exdust want the relationship, he should have ended it. It's very concerning that he tells your child, he abused you because your weren't what he wanted and allegedly held him back.

Your child will think it's okay to be abusive under certain circumstances. Abusers always blame their victims.

Your mum abusing you is a reflection on her, NOT YOU.

But what if I’m a “wet lettuce” as another has posted. What happened if I drove him to be so frustrated he lost his temper because of the way I am. I do struggle socially and always have done, I don’t feel comfortable performing and talking etc. I am awkward and I’m just me. He must have really got so pissed off with me. He probably had an idea about his life and I was completely wrong. But he just kept telling me all the time in all the ways I was wrong. It really got me down towards the end and I ended up leaving so he could have a better life. Now he does have a better life and I’m left quite unwell from it all really with pain and fatigue.

No no no no.

You've taken my post all wrong.

I don’t really know why I stayed so long with a man so incompatible. He was morally so different to me. He was driven but he wasn’t kind. I feel like I was a child and I behaved quite childlike and dependent but he was also like a child with a toddler temper.

Let me tell you, regardless of the person you are... there is still NO excuse for abuse.

Abusers have a way of targeting people who are vulnerable. You were vulnerable because you had low self esteem and a low self worth from your mum abusing you.

He could have reached the decision that you weren't compatible and left you.. but instead he continued abusing you. He obviously got some enjoyment out of it.

I'm worried that the way you see yourself will impact how you interact with others and potential future relationships.

I'd honestly recommend some counselling to do some self exploration and learn more about yourself... so you understand that you are not to blame for being abused.