Abused by parents and ex husband, why aren’t I enough.

[Satontheloo]

I am really struggling at the moment. I wasn’t good enough for my parents, particularly my mum and not enough for my ex husband also. He abused me emotionally. We share an older child who goes every other weekend. He moved on extremely quickly even after a 13 year long marriage. He’s been with his gf around 4 years and has started a family. Our oldest comes back and says he doesn’t hurt her because she is all he has ever wanted and I held him back. That’s why he abused me.

I am a quiet person, I don’t require much. Never been interested in my money or things. My husband was very much and he called me so many names. He thought I was going to be somebody who added to his life and helped him with his dreams. Instead I’m happy with little. He told me how pathetic I was, how little I was driven. He wanted to make something of his life and prove his father wrong. I think I am ND and not particularly great socially, I have no desire to be seen by everyone. He wanted to be seen, to be seen as looking good and having everything. My mum the same thing really. She wanted more from me and I am a disappointment really.

I have a small home, I don’t want for more, I’m happy with what I have. But I’m not enough. I’ve never been enough for the people in my life. My ex seems very happy now he has a gf who is so much younger and more outgoing and has lots of friends etc. My mum loves my sister more as she is very outgoing, more money , more of everything. Both of them emotionally destroyed me and I don’t know why. Why did my ex not want me for who I was?

You stayed because you knew no better. He did this to you because he could and you were primed by your narcissistic mother into such a role as an adult. She taught you many damaging lessons about relationships.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Toddlers grow up. A narcissist's emotional development ceased around the age of six.

What happened to you was not your fault. The blame solely lies with the perpetrators of the abuse that was meted out to you. You do not owe them anything, let alone a relationship here.

In my head he abused me because I made him feel down right awful because I was so wrong for him and he just needed to feel better. He blamed me for the way he felt. Which in a way is right as I would have held back a driven person as I’ve got my own trauma and needed a peaceful man. He doesn’t abuse his gf because she makes him feel good and he doesn’t need to. She’s young, she’s ambitious and that’s what he needed to feel good. It’s wrong of him to do this but I wouldn’t have been abused if I was a different person.

He did this to me because in his words I drove him to it because of who I am. His current gf she doesn’t drive him to anything.

He thought I was going to be something and I just turned out to be a let down. Now I don’t see anything wrong with who I am in the sense I’ve no desire to be a go getter. I just can’t seem to let go of the thinking that my personality drove him to madness. Was he seeking someone in particular and I just wasn’t it? Did he have no actual intention to understand me? I feel like he wants something and I wasn’t the person to deliver it because I have something different to offer.

Strange logic! Abusers are abusers and at fault

Let me try again.

Exdh was a wet lettuce in my eyes. And perfect in his second wife's. I'm not an abuser. He's not a failure. We are both completely the wrong people for each other.

I do see a slight common ground where maybe you presented yourself as one person when really you were another? Exdh did this. He was so in love with me he just told me what I wanted to hear. Then, after marriage, when I expected him simply to follow the trajectory he'd said he would, he just sort of made excuses, then would do big sad eyes and try and guilt me "aren't I enough for you?" Sorry pal, but no, this isn't enough for me and actually I'm pretty pissed that you faked so much then thought I'd not be bothered when it turned out to be fake. If I'd known this was the real you, I wouldn't have married you, and now I'm bloody divorced at 21 because of it. Damn right I'm angry. That's not abuse. If I'd fallen pregnant before he revealed his true character, I'd have been livid. Thank god I didn't. You did though, and perhaps that's why your marriage rumbled on for as long as it did.

Exdh wants a homebird, who doesn't want to leave the country, and likes fish n chips every Friday. Every Sunday is a roast at his mums. They'll never ever leave the starter home they bought all those years ago. And they are happy as two bees in a buttercup.

We've only just moved into our new home. On Christmas Eve. I'm already on Rightmove looking for the next upgrade. I've been arrested in St Tropez for racing with Roberto Cavalli on jet skis. I have my music too loud. I've got 2 degrees. I'm a CEO. And my exdh would be having heart palpitations at any of it. Yes, he held me back for the 2yrs I was married to him. He held me back, and equally I was dragging him towards his idea of hell.

His wife sits back with him, and my DH runs at pace with me. Our second spouses are as right for us, as our first ones were wrong.

You both married the wrong person. It's not a crime. His wife isn't better than you. He just wasn't right for you.

You are enough. In your own right. Before you even look at partnership. And the right partner will value your qualities, seek your personality type. Trying to beat yourself up for not being the person you never will be, is pointless. Can you imagine Kate Middleton being married to Ricky Gervais? Does it mean Ricky is a failure because later she meets someone called William and it all works out?

You are just right as you.

I guess so. I just don’t seem to be able to meet up to people’s expectations and I don’t know why? Perhaps it could be me.

I was watching something a true story on Netflix the other day. A child who was abused, by being starved, beaten, tied up and more was convinced it was his fault...because they made him think that.

He was abused by his mum and her friend.

It wasn't his fault and it's not your fault - but years of abuse have worn you down and convinced you otherwise.

I reiterate this and I say this as a Counsellor....invest in some therapy for yourself. You are worthy. You just need to belive it.

I come from an emotionally unhealthy family and also chose a partner who was emotionally abusive. We are set up from childhood to attract abusive people, they feel like 'home'. I'm not victim blaming! Realising that has helped me to come out of the spiral of self-hatred of not being good enough, or feeling like I must be the problem. Do some reading on toxic families and scapegoating. I have found that focusing on my small goals, my peaceful life and those who do treat me kindly has helped. You don't know what happens behind closed doors in the new relationship your ex has, people with zero insight into themselves rarely change!

You cannot be sure that your ex is abusing or not abusing his new partner. Be very reserved about making judgements based on things he tells you. I wonder why he has raised these things, is he trying to create jealousy or insecurity? Don’t give it any thought unless you want to be manipulated.

your ex was clearly a bad fit for you, your values are very very different and infact you could say that he didn’t fit your expectations.

I don’t think I presented myself as anything really. I didn’t have much of a plan and had myself just put myself through a degree and a masters and was in a pause moment. Then he came along and my life just went wrong. I’m not saying it would have gone right as I was definitely suffering from my childhood. I don’t know what I wanted and I’m guessing it was destined to go this way. I was swept away by him and his life and trauma that happened between us both. There really was very little thought in it and I was running on emotions trying to catch up. One minute he wanted one thing then he would behave completely opposite. There was never any solid ground, no gentle waves to catch a breath.

Where do these expectations come from, that you think you are falling short of?

Do you consciously pretend to be one thing, then can't keep the pretence? Are these expectations entirely in your head? How do you know you aren't "meeting" them? By people, is it just your mum and your ex, or are there others?

It is NOT you. It's them.

Your best bet is having a long rest from romance and getting some counselling to reflect on your childhood relationship with your mum

Yes yes.

I’m pretty sure he wants our shared child to believe it was all my fault and that’s why he frames it this way. I would be less hesitant and more understanding if he painted it a 50/50 way. But he’s adamant it’s all my fault. I made him throw stuff, I made him punch wall and scream and shout because I pushed him to madness.

Hi..

Have you ever tried to turn your thoughts around??

I think actually, you do have everything. Whilst your posts sounds a lot about others doubting you as a person, I hear a strong vibe that you have what you want, these things are quite often the important things.

Reread your post, you are sounding more assured than you think. Contentment is personal to you.

All the best.

I have this feeling I appear more competent than I actually am. I have considered doing a private autism referral as this is something I’ve struggled with since I can remember. I have expectations at work that I struggle with. Being pushed for higher positions that I appear capable but I struggle internally. I get overwhelmed with loud noise, I didn’t speak until I was 5 after being referred. I get overwhelmed.

My ex was loud and in your face and highly emotional and completely overwhelming, there was always something wrong, someone doing something to him, someone having bad blood with him, always drama and it was a lot and I think I spent all those years in overwhelm and I got sick. I never got time to think what was happening and what I actually wanted and needed. I process things slower and need time and peace. I think my overwhelm kept me stuck and I’m not sure if he realised what was doing.

Your ex bullied and shouted and abused you. He knows that. He even says that he doesn’t do it to his new partner.

When someone isn’t quite who you thought they were when you get to know them better, that doesn’t mean you can be vile to them.

The problem here is a man who chose the someone who didn’t actually suit him, and instead of managing it tried to abuse and intimidate you into changing.

You wouldn’t try to bully your son into having a different personality, you know that would be wrong. Your mother and your ex were wrong.

I would say you’ve been unlucky, but sadly being raised by a woman like your mother makes you vulnerable to men like your ex.

That feels like what happened. I feel his current gf is more his type of person. The way our child describes her she could potentially be narcissistic herself. I wonder if this is why she fairs better as she reflects him better than I could as I’m not. I don’t care about the world so externally as they do. They both work together to get the image they want. I kind of worked against him as I challenged why it mattered. I was shouted at for not booking good enough holidays for him, for not doting on him. When we moved into our home he was busy looking for the next like it wasn’t good enough for just while. Nothing was enough, he was never content.

There is nothing pathetic about not wanting to or feeling comfortable about eating in expensive restaurants. It just not your thing.

I definitely think you need to get some professional help to try to unpick everything that has happened in your life.

Your childhood didn't allow you to develop an inner confidence and sense of self. The ability to say 'no that restaurant isn't for me, but that's not a failing on my part it's just who I am'.

Your ex sounds like he's a narcissist. At some point once the honeymoon period is over, he will start being abusive to his new girlfriend.

Yep, that's me.

I have (ridiculously) high standards that I maintain for myself, so expect everyone else to meet them. I'm a perfectionist so if I'm asking you to do something pretty simple, I've got no patience for a poor job. Something is always wrong. Something could always be better. If you've fucked up, I'll call you out and want it fixed. A spade is a spade. I'm sounding like an asshat, but I'm the CEO of a charity and I help thousands of people each year, My team had no idea how to take me for the first few months and now genuinely love me because I've taken them from a little humdrum place to national reach and recognition in under two years. There's huge team pride in achievement, and the number of people we've collectively supported. They text me socially and we respect each other a lot.

You say loud and in your face. So would exdh. DH says I'm confident and stand my ground. Highly emotional? DH would say passionate.

I'm your worst nightmare and DHs dream. And yes, you would hold me back, but not because there's something wrong with you... because I have one focus. On, up, bigger, better. I get exhausted, I get martyr complex, I get obsessive on improvement, I can't stop. I want more and more and better and better for DC. I am relentless in ambition. But....wouldn't it be nice to just be happy with my lot. Am I forever chasing? Will I ever be fully satisfied or will I keep going until I drop?

You couldn't live with me any more than I could you. Does this mean my DH is better than you because he can? No no no.

One of my ex's is on the Sunday Times Rich List. He's got more than his grandkid's grandkids could ever spend. But he still goes to work every day, he can't give it up. Is that any way to live? It's the same mindset as me though.

You aren't like that. That's all. And arguably, you're much happier and content with life. But you think you've failed?

You are enough. You need to start believing in you.

It's never OK for a parent to abuse any of their children. The fact that they only did it to one child means that they are capable of raising a child without abuse, but just chose not to in your case.

I'd totally cut off parents like these. They bring nothing positive to your life, only pain.

Women who have suffered abuse in their childhood are much more vulnerable to relationships with abusive men.

I would recommend seeking some therapy to help you understand that none of this is your fault. The blame lies totally with the people who abused you.

Some people want the appearance to be great. They work at it, and play act at it. They ‘fake it til they make it’.

They aren’t interested in a deep connection and understanding. They want the appearance of a great marriage and life. When someone isn’t quite performing their part correctly, it’s an issue for them.

You are not one of those people. You aren’t performative. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It doesn’t mean the perfectionist is allowed to berate you.

You get to decide who you are and who you want to become, not them.