Abused by parents and ex husband, why aren’t I enough.

[Satontheloo]

I am really struggling at the moment. I wasn’t good enough for my parents, particularly my mum and not enough for my ex husband also. He abused me emotionally. We share an older child who goes every other weekend. He moved on extremely quickly even after a 13 year long marriage. He’s been with his gf around 4 years and has started a family. Our oldest comes back and says he doesn’t hurt her because she is all he has ever wanted and I held him back. That’s why he abused me.

I am a quiet person, I don’t require much. Never been interested in my money or things. My husband was very much and he called me so many names. He thought I was going to be somebody who added to his life and helped him with his dreams. Instead I’m happy with little. He told me how pathetic I was, how little I was driven. He wanted to make something of his life and prove his father wrong. I think I am ND and not particularly great socially, I have no desire to be seen by everyone. He wanted to be seen, to be seen as looking good and having everything. My mum the same thing really. She wanted more from me and I am a disappointment really.

I have a small home, I don’t want for more, I’m happy with what I have. But I’m not enough. I’ve never been enough for the people in my life. My ex seems very happy now he has a gf who is so much younger and more outgoing and has lots of friends etc. My mum loves my sister more as she is very outgoing, more money , more of everything. Both of them emotionally destroyed me and I don’t know why. Why did my ex not want me for who I was?

Don’t internalise his standards - that there is something wrong with you if you are not ambitious, striving, envious, loud, trying to impress others and never satisfied with what you have, always wanting to move on to the next thing. I saw this Mary Oliver poem recently, which presents the opposite view of what is precious and important.

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

The thing is I have more than him financially. On paper I out qualify him completely. But he would never allow me to shine in my own way. I actually own two house and I could have bigger but I choose not to. I’m happy with what I have. He wanted a life that he couldn’t obtain. When we met he had nothing, he actually had a problem with alcohol. Everything we got was because I had to carry all the shame. The alcohol problem which he brought into the relationship suddenly became because of me. He made me carry all the problems.

He doesn’t sound like you at all. We would never have met me and you. He lied to me about who he was. He said he was like me but he was anything but. I would have ran from you….not in a bad way just 2 different worlds.

I think this is the problem. I have always been embarrassed about who I am and what I need. I’ve tried to be like everyone else and end up feeling unwell. I don’t feel confident in myself but then everyone has picked fault in me so it’s hard to not see myself as the problem. Should I not want success and money and achievements in the normal sense. My sister is one thing after another and another but she sees no value in anything. If it’s not perfect it means nothing, including her partner and kids and house and car. Any chink and it’s chucked. I could never live like this. I hate to throw things and prefer to fix and personalise things.

So OP it really sounds like you need to find a good therapist. Build your self esteem, you sound intelligent and savvy, you own two houses, that’s no mean feat in this day and age. You deserve to be happy in the way that works for you. Your ex’s life is of no concern and I should imagine he will leave her for a younger model once she isn’t trophy enough for him. He chose to shout and hurl abuse at you and make your life horrible, that was not your fault it was his choice.
You deserve to be happy, everyone does, do what works for you, revel in being single and content, providing what you need for yourself. As others have said your family dynamic trained you to please people, so now figure out how to please yourself make the life that brings you joy, no one else’s opinion matters. Your child will come to appreciate the happy independent you. Find a therapist, shake off the loser, keep contact to the bare minimum, step away from your family and go low contact. Find you and celebrate that woman who has multiple degrees and two houses!

I will have a look for someone to talk to. I get confused as no-one has loved the real me, so what does that make me? Is it me or all of them? My ex has now completely stopped alcohol. I begged him to. He had the problem long before me but now the narrative is that I made him drink and the new gf doesn’t. In his head he has handed me all of the fault for that. I created my own abuser by making him feel so much shame he drank and then I got abused. He has taken nothing from what he did, I created my own hell. Did I really do that?

Again it's not you, but them. You did not make anyone an abuser; they did that themselves. You also did not drive them to abuse you; they made that choice to abuse you.

What happened to you is not your fault in any way; it is their fault entirely.

Your mother, herself a narcissist conditioned and otherwise primed you into having a relationship with an abuser as an adult. These types of men like your ex always but always blame someone else for their own inherent ills; in his head it's not his fault. You were his scapegoat just as you were and remain your mother's scapegoat as a child and now adult. Your sister is a carbon copy of mother. Your ex sensed your vulnerabilities and insecurity from your childhood experiences so targeted you to abuse you.

It was never your job either to tell your ex to stop drinking.

BACP are good and you could find a therapist via them. Interview such people carefully and at length before deciding to work with any particular one.
NHS counselling might help but they will only offer you six sessions and their waiting lists are miles long.

I could have written this— I’ve had exactly the same experiences (and the same kind of ex marriage as well). I think we might be ND. Because otherwise I can’t make sense of it either. People pick on me like you’ve described. They also think I’m going to be different to how I am. I also like to keep quiet and calm in a modest space. I’m following with interest.

I describe it as not having a filter and I receive everything at once. For example a recipe overwhelms me as I can’t see the steps independently. Noise I can’t cancel anything out so can’t concentrate. Feelings I can feel a room and get so overwhelmed by all the things people need and feel. I probably am very capable but the world is way too much to actually accomplish it. My own feelings I can’t seem to make into an order.

I feel like he used me only I wasn’t a strong or good enough supply (for him and all his needs). Being how I am, quite overwhelmed sensory and emotionally I got pretty sick and used up. He now has someone else who doesn’t appear to be as “sensitive” as me, from what I understands she shouts at him. But she is according to our child very young and pretty with a good job. She is a better “supply” so he values her more currently.

If he is a narcissist he will start to devalue her soon enough followed swiftly by discarding. At the moment he is idolising her but that phase will not last.

And yes you were targeted as well as used by him for his own ends.

I would also look at you being traumatised by your narcissistic mother. Daughters of narcissistic mothers may develop codependency patterns in their relationships, seeking validation and approval from others. This codependency can stem from the deep-rooted belief that their worthiness and value as individuals are dependent on the opinions and actions of others. They may find themselves constantly sacrificing their own needs and desires in order to please others, often at the expense of their own well-being. Breaking free from these codependent patterns requires self-reflection, setting boundaries, and cultivating a stronger sense of self-worth independent of external validation.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother can result in difficulty expressing emotions and even identifying one’s own feelings. This emotional repression can stem from the fear of facing criticism or rejection for expressing emotions, leading to a disconnect from one’s own emotional needs and an inability to effectively communicate and navigate relationships. Developing emotional awareness and seeking therapy can help daughters of narcissistic mothers reconnect with their emotions and learn healthy ways

Do seek therapy.

No this is absolutely not true. You have an inner strength OP that I would imagine the abusers in your life thought they could somehow force you to step into line with them but you refused to be what they wanted you to be. I understand you see weakness but your first post made me sit up and read about someone who knows their values and just wants peace. Please seek some support to try and let go of the abusive pattern but know that within you there is such strength. Good luck.

He idolised and de-valued throughout our relationship but he never discarded me. Well he did and then I promised I would change (which I couldn’t). But he never left, it was me who left him because I was dying. He did not want the relationship to end which I can’t understand considering how he paints me now. He has told people I was seeing another man, which is al lie. I was so unwell for many years after leaving. He on the other hand was dating within weeks. He is not suffering at all which is again odd as he claimed at my hands he did nothing but suffer yet I’m the one who needs therapy.

But you have been shaped by your childhood to be of value to someone else, to try and fit into what they want at all costs, I am saying this because so many of us have been taught this message by abusive parents who don't know how to allow their children to just feel ok and loved as they are. That is why you are talking like this, this is all about what he wanted. What about you? And what you wanted? There is nothing wrong with you, but please look at your life scripts and learn to get rid of what no longer serves you. Please seek counselling.

Thank you for saying this. I have a friend who says I’m an awkward target for abusers because I’m quite stubborn and refuse to do as I’m told. It’s not that I refuse it’s that my brain can’t do what they want.

Yep. As I said, it's strength. I would imagine you appear outwardly as quite compliant but inwardly the story is different? Hold onto that. It is your inner guide. I am suggesting therapy to get more in touch with your inner strength, not because there is anything wrong with you. That is just bullshit that people say about going to therapy. Your ex will never go to therapy as he will not have the courage to look at himself which is what therapy asks us to do. You do have this courage. Stop telling yourself you are the problem. You are not.

I was ashamed as a child and I hid all of my fear and anxiety, all my sensory problems. Apparently I had to go to hospital as I wouldn’t talk until I was 5. I never expressed it, it was a secret I hid. Then he came along and I thought I could express it but it only annoyed him so I went back to hiding it but it’s not something to hide and I because unwell.

Exactly this. You have nothing to hide and you are seeking people who you can be yourself with. Your ex wasn't the person, but they are out there. Just keep going OP.

I’m tired now and riddled with autoimmune illnesses.

That is very interesting. I wait for a ‘quiet time’ to achieve things and it rarely comes. My ex was similar to yours and was disappointed I couldn’t always activate. I am always trying to quieten things down and make it stop. Except with some things. I like being in the elements and in the choppy sea.

Mine wanted a world that he wanted. He wasn’t interested in the kind of world I wanted. In the end I hated his world, always more more more, never stopping to look at what he already had. Always working always wanting more money for more things he wouldn’t appreciate.

It’s good that you’re out of it OP. I am finding my own rhythm of life makes sense to me but few others. But those who it does make sense to feel like real companions to me.

This is definitely not a you problem. The problem is with them.
It’s v unfair but it sounds as though your mother may be a narcissist and that the conditioning you got from her in childhood probably led you in to a relationship with another similar narcissistic person.

I can recommend this book - Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on the Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery and Reflection
Book by Shahida Arabi

But please know, the problem is definitely not you!

So are these people in my life performative? My ex lived for the praise of his father which he was never going to get. My mother performed it feels and she loves that my sister is quite large and lots of people see her. I am quiet and don’t want people to see me on a large scale. I am happy without people seeing it if that makes sense.

Yes, I would imagine you are. I also have an autoimmune disease and it's tough going. However you may be down OP but you are not out. Life is teaching you something about what you will and will not tolerate. Receive the lesson and then move on. Read books that feel applicable and learn that your worth goes way beyond these abusive messages. No one deserves treatment like that. Your body is saying no more. I think Gabor Mate has written a book about 'When the body says no' that it might be worth reading too. Our bodies hold trauma and we don't accidentally repeat patterns.

Yes perhaps they are, but take the focus off them and put it back on yourself and how you are still actively shrinking. You don't need to be invisible OP, you can just be here and that is enough.