Abused by parents and ex husband, why aren’t I enough.

[Satontheloo]

I am really struggling at the moment. I wasn’t good enough for my parents, particularly my mum and not enough for my ex husband also. He abused me emotionally. We share an older child who goes every other weekend. He moved on extremely quickly even after a 13 year long marriage. He’s been with his gf around 4 years and has started a family. Our oldest comes back and says he doesn’t hurt her because she is all he has ever wanted and I held him back. That’s why he abused me.

I am a quiet person, I don’t require much. Never been interested in my money or things. My husband was very much and he called me so many names. He thought I was going to be somebody who added to his life and helped him with his dreams. Instead I’m happy with little. He told me how pathetic I was, how little I was driven. He wanted to make something of his life and prove his father wrong. I think I am ND and not particularly great socially, I have no desire to be seen by everyone. He wanted to be seen, to be seen as looking good and having everything. My mum the same thing really. She wanted more from me and I am a disappointment really.

I have a small home, I don’t want for more, I’m happy with what I have. But I’m not enough. I’ve never been enough for the people in my life. My ex seems very happy now he has a gf who is so much younger and more outgoing and has lots of friends etc. My mum loves my sister more as she is very outgoing, more money , more of everything. Both of them emotionally destroyed me and I don’t know why. Why did my ex not want me for who I was?

The thing is it’s not a bad experience it’s my life since the day I was born, decades of it from my mother to my husband. It’s hard to really know who I am and if I’m good enough for myself when I’ve always sought to just be good enough for the love of my own mum. I don’t know what good enough feels like, it’s never been reflected back to me really.

But surely he factually knows he has drunk since a young teen and I met him much later, a decade later. He drank he said because of his father, he wasn’t a good dad. A lot of his behaviour was in his words because of him but now he’s re-written it all. The story to his gf and our child is a fabrication. Do people really behave like this and not slip up? Just lie and build a relationship with someone knowing it’s all false.

I think they kind of rewrite the truth but aren't necessarily totally conscious that they are doing so. The need not to fracture the false ego is so strong it overrides everything eles. They have to be able to blame others because they just can't face having failings. You are an easy scapegoat as an ex

I struggle with the black and white of this. A lie is wrong, I don’t lie. He is lying in a terrible way to our child. What he’s saying isn’t just rubbish it’s really bad in my eyes. Lying that I left him for another man when I left him because he threatened to hurt me physically, because he wouldn’t stop drinking, he drank and drove, he drank whilst caring for our child. We had a lengthy court case. He is doing something in my eyes is immoral. In fact the whole relationship feels immoral. The one he has with his child is immoral. It’s not like he’s admitted it and he’s trying to make up for what he did, that I could understand.

I don’t know how he sleeps at night let alone move on and have the headspace for another relationship and another child.

I whole heartedly agree with this @Satontheloo

You are very much hung up on their relationship working. Who cares? You really need to move forward. You don't want to hear anything other than why weren't you enough for him, why didn't he care to see the real you, why does everyone treat you like this...

You weren't compatible. And then it sounds like it all turned into a shit show, with two people staying where neither was happy, because a child had happened. This isn't uncommon. Whatever he and his new wife have, isn't any reflection on you. It's completely unconnected, so you really really need to stop the comparisons because you're comparing apples and pears, and mentally torturing yourself in the process.

Please see a therapist x

So why is he busy filling our child’s head with untruths and fabrications. Why does he need to tell them anything. Why not say we were incompatible and move on? Normal break ups don’t result in what happened to us. (Years in court because of what he did). Why is he trying to de-value me to our child. He mocks my house, my holidays, the clothes I choose to wear and dress our child in. He told our child to call his gf mum. Is this a normal situation? He says I’m pathetic and no one would even put up with me and this gets back to me. Our child says don’t worry I don’t believe him but this can’t be normal can it.

You ARE enough. Don't let the cunt twist your children's minds against you. Do not let him do this xx
Edit: He is still abusing you through your child. He is abusing your child by doing this to you.

I think you should get therapy

You have had some great advice on this thread

Just because he said it - it doesn’t mean it was true. If you hold on to the past you will never move on

Your child said they don’t believe him and that should be enough for you.

Why not say we were incompatible and move on?

Listen to your own advice.

I do every other weekend. The stories that come home about me hurt my soul. That’s my child and I’m their mum. He’s hurting our relationship and it hurts me to think of the things that they are hearing about me and that they have to hear it. He wants to be the hero and me the villain and it’s hurtful. I wanted to protect them but I have failed really. Just like my mum failed me.

It is hurtful but narcissistic people have to be the hero and paint others as villains. I agree that it is unfair and immoral but that is what he is like.

He doesn't see the truth because of this, he has to maintain the lie that negative things are all the fault of others

My instinct would be to see if you can find a good therapist to work through all of this, especially as it echoes what you experienced as a child.

You haven't failed your child, he has. You can't stop them seeing him but you can show them by the way you live and relate to them that you are different from the way he paints you. Your child will work it out .

Thank you. Last weekend was pretty bad with the stories that he told and it’s set me off a bit. I forget I am a good person and I spiral into self doubt. They are horrible people with no soul.

You were with the wrong people.

Our childhood experience set our blueprint for what we seek as adults. From an evolutionary survival perspective it makes sense - if you survive to adulthood to reproduction age, replicate the conditions of your childhood because they were survivable.

Even if you think you’re escaping your parents, subconsciously you’re hunting for similar qualities. Your mother’s treatment of you set you up for your husband.

It has less to do with who you are, that who they are. It is possible to break the cycle. It’s also possible that your ex has broken his cycle and that something in his childhood blueprint set him up to be abusive, and to seek out someone with your particular vulnerability. (And it’s also possible that they’re in a honeymoon phase and his mask hasn’t slipped yet)

Theres a really great theory about abuse called the Shark Cage and I recommend you google it. It explains how our childhood leaves us with gaps in our defensive system - missing bars where sharks can penetrate. Once you start to recognise the weak points, you can start to spot the predators more easily. We all have something we need to guard against.

Is your dc getting any therapy? Is that an option? It might be helpful for her to have a place to explore these messages that she’s hearing. A neutral person will help her get perspective. As a parent, we can’t always be that person, and we shouldn’t. But these are very big issues and getting her an external safe ear to talk to might be a good step,

The mere fact that he's even discussing or leading your child to believe this stuff speaks volumes about his character.

Your marriage is over. He's with someone else, but he has to blame you.

He was so held back by you, that he didn't take the basic steps to leave and end the relationship. Instead he resorted to abuse..ultimately forcing you to end it.

What you ought to realise, is that you had the strength to end it, where many other women continue suffering, but not doing anything to change the situation.

Yes I had to end it because of our child. His behaviour towards me was hurting them. It was hard because I had not nothing, I knew he’d take everything and punish me. It had to go through court and he did loose and that was scary. He threatened suicide, he said he had no reason to live etc but at the same time he was on dating websites as the money came out of a joint account. I don’t see why he didn’t want me to leave. I suppose we
both got used to it. He probably didn’t intend to be so abusive as others have said. He definitely thought I should have just got
over it and been grateful for my life. It was all very strange.

Honestly when I met him he was so charming. I didn’t think much about it. He seemed very cool. It was after we moved in and situations happened where he started. I am quite black and white myself I suppose and I say what I think without realising I’m supposed to be saying something else. For example if he did something wrong I would not back him up as he is wrong so why should I lie. For example he got fired from a job for shouting at a young female member of staff. I told he was in the wrong and I got in trouble form his temper. He couldn’t see that he shouldn’t have reacted like that.

I had a read about childhood attachment like a poster had mentioned and how this shapes us as adults..it really made a lot of sense.

My ex grew up in abuse, his parents split as a teenager but his mum suffered. He used to say I had the personality of a log and he was used to noise and passion (what I would call the abuse). He said I reminded him of his mum. I get the feeling now he was trying to
provoke me into recreating his childhood. He needed the noise and the confirmation. I on the other hand with a heightened nervous system from my upbringing just wanted peace. I know I sound like a broken Record but this makes a lot of sense. His new gf is loud apparently and she screams and shouts at him and visa versa, she isn’t hurt by the atmosphere as I was. They are more suited. Like different flowers thrive in different environments. This wasn’t my environment or his. I prefer my environment for my child as they are in the middle of their noise, that’s not a good dynamic.

I’ve also handed my feelings over to these people and sought validation from them. Only they are narcissists so they can’t feel my pain and they don’t care either. So I’ve sat on my feelings and not acted. He was never going to validate my feelings because he was the one I was scared of and he can’t admit doing anything wrong. What a mess my childhood did to me.

You are enough.
Happiness is not to be decided upon by others.
No validation is needed to be content.

Some scramble always for what they think they see in others and never stop to look at themselves and what they need to be happy and content.

And most definitely, abuse of any kind is never your fault or because of anything you have or haven't got or done. Abuse is a failure of the abuser only. They are the problem. They are not the solution to anything you need to feel happy or content. It is purely a manifestation of their own failures and issues.

Hold your head high. Be whoever you want to be. Do not compare yourself to what you think you see in others or what you think you want them to see in you.

Just be yourself, yourself is enough.

I read that narcs go for really good people. People who they think will reflect well on them so they pick kind and empathetic and loving people. I felt like at the start he thought very well of me and then he started to put me down, tell me how rubbish and pathetic I was. I was once loved, his soul mate then I was nothing as if I’d done something really terrible and I couldn’t get it back. Only I’d just been myself, Im not perfect. So was I the soul mate or the trash? He would shout and swear at me and accuse me of thinking I was superior to him. He used to stand in front of me shouting “you think you are so much better than me with your qualifications”.

Honestly sometimes I did think I was because he was mean and drunk and a liar but I never said it. In the end I have to admit I hated him.

There's a thing about a snake isn't there...

Something like: Imagine a snake bit you. And instead of taking the antidote to heal yourself, you shout at the snake, "why??"..."didn't you know that would hurt me?"..."I thought you loved me"..."how could you do that to me".

Do you think the snake gives a fuck?
Have you achieved anything?

How about asking endless people why they think th snake bit you? Ohhhhh but he hasn't bitten this other woman, how much better she is than me. Why did he bite me? What's wrong with me?

Maybe she can handle the snake better. Stop caring why or how? It bit you. And the whole time instead of healing and moving on, you live this groundhog day of obsessing why you were bitten. You're actively poisoning yourself.

Have you suffered narcissistic abuse or raised by them? I’ve suffered almost 40 years of it so it won’t be healed after one question. What I need to know I need to know to move on. Many of these replies have helped me a great deal, a really great deal. The tangled web of thoughts feels a little less tangled today.

Yes. And yes.

Hence why I don't think he was a narcissist. Like two other posters, you just sound really really incompatible then it all got compounded by having a child that you both stuck around for, as you gradually hated each other more and more. He yelled from frustration, trapped. You cried, in absolute hurt, trying to survive the mess