Abused by parents and ex husband, why aren’t I enough.

[Satontheloo]

I am really struggling at the moment. I wasn’t good enough for my parents, particularly my mum and not enough for my ex husband also. He abused me emotionally. We share an older child who goes every other weekend. He moved on extremely quickly even after a 13 year long marriage. He’s been with his gf around 4 years and has started a family. Our oldest comes back and says he doesn’t hurt her because she is all he has ever wanted and I held him back. That’s why he abused me.

I am a quiet person, I don’t require much. Never been interested in my money or things. My husband was very much and he called me so many names. He thought I was going to be somebody who added to his life and helped him with his dreams. Instead I’m happy with little. He told me how pathetic I was, how little I was driven. He wanted to make something of his life and prove his father wrong. I think I am ND and not particularly great socially, I have no desire to be seen by everyone. He wanted to be seen, to be seen as looking good and having everything. My mum the same thing really. She wanted more from me and I am a disappointment really.

I have a small home, I don’t want for more, I’m happy with what I have. But I’m not enough. I’ve never been enough for the people in my life. My ex seems very happy now he has a gf who is so much younger and more outgoing and has lots of friends etc. My mum loves my sister more as she is very outgoing, more money , more of everything. Both of them emotionally destroyed me and I don’t know why. Why did my ex not want me for who I was?

Hi OP, I relate to so much of what you’re written (even down to the autoimmune disease! I’m convinced my experiences/feelings are the major cause of my illness)

My husband is not abusive and certainly not violent, but it turns out he’s not the kind, positive man I thought I’d married. He has said things to me that have broken my heart. He even once outright said to me my own worst fear; that the way I am is the reason my own parents couldn’t love me properly.

I have learnt to understand that even if the worst things are true, even if I am irritating, annoying, frustrating - I know I am a kind person and can put my hand on my heart and say that I have never deliberately said or done anything to hurt or upset anyone, even in anger. I know I’m a good person, because I truly want good things for others people. I’m sure you’re a good person too, and I bet you know that deep down.

Good people don’t deserve cruelty even if they are annoying, or in your case a “wet lettuce” (and I’m positive that you’re not a wet lettuce, but my point is to assume the worst things you think about yourself are true).

Cruel people have a way of seeking people out that they can get the upper hand with, usually people who have been hurt before who just want love and are willing to give too many chances.

I can’t explain why your ex is not abusing his new partner, but there will be a reason and it will be nothing to do with your value as a person. He knows he’s firmly in the wrong and that you’re better than him, otherwise he wouldn’t be making things up to taint your reputation. He’s scared of people seeing the real him, whereas he knows you have nothing to be ashamed of hence he has to fabricate things.

OP, The way I understand it is Adult love is built on the model we get comfortable with as a child. If as a child you associated love and belonging with a certain sort of rejection from a primary caregiver (eg your mother) you will unconsciously be "comfortable " with this version of love.

So even if this person is not compatible with you and your way of living, you'll choose them because they give off signals that they'll make you suffer in a way that reassures you their love is real (ie it feels like what you're used to from mum).

Once you recognise that is going on you can change it. Recognise you were shaped as a child, learned survival tools then, and those tools no longer serve you. You can now learn new ones.

A lot of the new tools will be to do with self care. For example, if someone is obnoxious and tells you there's something wrong with you, you remove yourself from their presence. And so on. New tools for the new adult version of you.

I just want to confirm that there is no "enough". People are different. What is compatible and suits one person may not suit another. Just focus on yourself and satisfy your own interests without trampling on those around you.

Your ex is (quite possibly) now much more compatible with his new partner. That doesn't make you "less than" it makes you "different to". There are guys out there who like you want a simple life and dont show off and will accept and love you as you are. But first try loving yourself as you are.

Do stuff you enjoy. Make positive things happen for you. Feel the pleasure in it. Protect yourself better. If you don't like noise, stay away from it.

Why doesn’t he tell his gf and our child what he did to the women who made him? If I was so appalling and I deserved it why isn’t he telling them yeah I threw stuff and screamed and shouted. Yeah I laughed at her when she cried?

Op it's also worth remembering that outside of abuse marriages fail all the time as people change and grow apart in different ways. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with either it just means priorities of each change in a way that didn't align.
Maybe his new partners value do align with his ( for now ) sometimes it's a simple as that and not a personal slight. Ie you could also have divorced him for being overly materialiatistic and obsessed by image and that would have been fine too.

Maybe you put up with your nasty ex because you had already been abused by your mum and it felt familiar to you. Have a look at the “shark cage” analogy - people who have previously been abused are frequently more likely to be subsequently abused by others.

Plus he’s clearly a massive liar. You were there - pretty sure you’d remember if you made him drink or punch walls. It suits his purposes to tell these whoppers but you don’t need to agree with his BS.

I could have pushed him to drink if he was stuck with someone incompatible making him depressed. But you would accept that you did it in desperation, you wouldn’t erase it. I can take responsibility for staying with him in the belief that I was at fault and I was the one who needed to change. My conditioning made me stuck. But he isn’t accepting that he stayed and let someone drive him to act out. His story erases all the parts where he has reacted. I have never hurt anyone by shouting or throwing or intimidating. I have hurt myself by hating myself.

He knows enough to know that people would see him differently if he spoke this way. The truth even through his eyes still included throwing and punching and loosing his temper. Even if I pushed him to it.

You come across, to me a total stranger, as a very thoughtful, caring, person who knows who she is and would like to be happy with herself. Please do not let uncaring, abusive, loud people destroy your beautiful soul.

I did so many things to help him. Things that I regret now that I can see the relationship for what it is. Things that he has now weaponised and uses against me. Instead of seeing how I did things to help him with his problem he has turned it around and says your mum did this, look how disgusting she is. I hid things from my family because I’ve never had their understanding and he knew this and was perfectly happy at the time. Now it’s look at how she lies to her own family.

They were all his issues and problems, I should never have had to fix anything.

OP you have low self esteem and were targeted by a gaslighting abuser who is now manipulating your child. You need some therapy or counselling to get help and boost your confidence. Be strong and fight for the life you deserve.

Can someone tell me what he actually wanted? I’ve had a Quick Look and it says that narcs want a constant stream of attention and praise, if they can’t get it they will settle with negative attention anything to feel important . I am wondering if this is what happened in my case. I didn’t offer enough positive attention as I’m not like that so he had to go for the negative. His current gf perhaps offers more positive. Money and gifts didn’t work for me but they may for her. I require more emotional safety and peace.

I also became very introverted and fearful due to his behaviour scaring me. Which made him hate me even more despite the fact it was his behaviour that did it. It all feels so counter productive.

OP you aren’t wrong and nor is ExH. The “abuse” was real but not deliberate, it was frustration and a lack of understanding each other.
I’ve been your ExH, I married the wrong person, somebody that had no ambition or aims and was happy with how they ate. He was loved by everyone and very sociable, I was driven and a worker striving to achieve more and more.
He accused me of emotionally abusing him, as I did him. We probably did, because we choose the wrong people and had no refer once point for communicating. I couldn’t fail so lived with it for years knowing the mistake I had made until I had couldn't take any more and wanted to live and thrive and be happy. The best decision I made, probably for him too although we don’t speak now.

it’s not you. It’s not him. It was the wrong relationship. You will, when you are ready, find somebody supportive and nurturing and encouraging of you. Embrace it and learn to live again.

You know what, it's a them problem , not a you problem.
Even if Ex did think that you and he were too different for the marriage to work, that didn't entitle him to abuse you. He could have just said that it wasn't working for him, and ended the relationship in a civil and respectful way. Yet he chose not to do that, but to belittle you instead. That makes him the problem, not you.
And the fact that he is filling your child's head with his vitriol shows that he continues to be an arse.
As for you parents, they don't sound nice either. Their job was to nurture you and it doesn't sound as if they did that.

Sounds like you’re perfectly pleasant and they are narcissistic abusers. Your mums abuse likely made you more sucepitble to another abuser rather than it being anything innate about you.

And your ex telling your child that is him continuing to abuse you and the child. He likely doesn’t abuse the new girlfriend (IF HE DOESNT) because the power balance in their relationship is different… that’s not your fault it’s just that he is more scared of losing her then she is of losing him. She holds the upper hand. Your mother likely made it so you didn’t know you were capable of having any power or holding the upper hand. Your mother prefers your sister because her money etc make your mum look good and Narcs only care about looking good.

You have to remember that while narcs are often abusive and calculated they’re not Gods…they don’t know how people will react, they react from an emotional place sometimes or anger or annoyance just like other humans.

Who says he even knew what he wanted let alone anyone else? Maybe he’s just a cunt and that’s all there is to it.

I had ambition that’s the thing. I had studied up to a masters level. Then he came along and scared the shit out of me. Can someone have ambitions when they are stuck trying to survive a man. He is the one telling me I had no ambition but what it was was the consequences of his behaviour on my mind and body, Only he couldn’t see that and that’s the narrative I was fed and believed. I have no idea what I had back then other then to survive my life.

And you are out the other side of that and about to embrace new opportunities. You are looking forward not back. You are free to thrive.
only you stopping yourself now.

It’s the narrative I hear from my child’s mouth that keeps triggering me. Triggering the doubt when I hear how well he treats his gf compared to me. I doubt my own perspective and who I am and what happened and why
me.

1. what DC says is a snapshot from somebody young and that sees the situation occasionally, it may or may not be the full picture
2. you aren’t over this. I am not able to comprehend how you are beyond this and have been a while, you are free but still dwelling on it. Sorry. You are the one stopping yourself moving forward. Perhaps seek professional help at this point.

Yes, the fact he said that to your child shows that he is th problem.

In all honesty OP you only need to be good enough for yourself and it sounds like you are. The rest is on them. Everyone has bad experiences, it doesn't mean you blame yourself. Focus on you, your hobbies etc and choose to spend your time with people who make you feel good.

It is very common for people who have narcissistic tendencies to blame others for things that are actually within them. Their false ego is held in order to believe that they are wonderful human beings but it is actually very fragile and they can't bear to see that they might have/be the problem.

So in actual fact your ex was an alcoholic when you met him, but he can't actually bear to face up to his own faults/ difficulties, so he says you are/were the problem.

You weren't of course but he has to believe that and tell others that in order to keep his fragile false ego intact.