Dealing with increasingly extreme political views in a good friend

[RandomNameChangeAlgorithm]

I think its a hand-hold needed more than actual advice.

I have a friend who I've known for 30 years and who I've been through a lot of my life with. At her best, she's a wonderful friend. She can be entertaining and good fun, very intelligent and very supportive. She's been with me through most of the most significant parts of my life.

Increasingly her political views are become pretty extreme (on the right). Having been someone who described herself as a "left winger" and "progressive" for most of our friendship, she has now pivoted in the space of about two years to being someone who is "open to hearing from" Tommy Robinson, believes that Muslims in the UK are a threat to our safety, goes on ad nauseam about the grooming gangs etc. Believes the current government is antisemitic. Has very extreme views on gay people: she's gone from a position of being anti-trans (which I don't agree with but is more understandable) to basically saying all gay people have been brainwashed by the left. Everything, and I mean everything, is "woke".

To be really clear: I don't agree with any of these positions and I find some of them abhorrent but I acknowledge her right to hold these views. I'm pretty much a centrist, politically, slightly left of centre but not an extreme leftist (I was always politically to the right of her). But I'm very relaxed about being friends with people from different backgrounds and discussing different viewpoints, I just can't stomach having to endlessly debate this stuff. It's impossible to talk about anything else and I find it exhausting and just want to talk about normal things once in a while.

I've previously said to her that she and I will never agree on, for example, the need to expel Muslims from the UK, I respect that its her right to hold these views but I find them abhorrent and upsetting and can we just agree not to talk about this subject as I find it difficult. But she won't accept this and will always bring every discussion around to this, without fail. I can't spend more than about ten minutes in her company or on the phone talking about anything neutral without a rant about Muslims or gays or the "woke media". It's as if its some sort of compulsion, an attention seeking thing to bring everything back to her political position.

I suppose I've got to a point where I find this so toxic and exhausting I can't deal with it any more and have been avoiding spending time with her and I feel guilty. I've been wrestling with whether to tell her directly why I can't handle it or just let the friendship drift. She's lost touch with a lot of our mutual friends from the past recently because people can't deal with the politics: old friends have basically ghosted her and I know she is sad and confused about this. I sort of feel she is owed an explanation, we've known one another for so long, but I also can't face getting into a long debate about why I've been brainwashed by the woke media etc etc. I don't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Do I owe this to her? Or should I just accept that the friendship is over.

Those are out and out crimes that you are discussing. No one us arguing that those should be tolerated as political speech. Its a complete red herring in this case. This is not what op is discussing.

Social media is rife with anti semetism. It’s been widely reported that anti semetic hate crimes have sky rocketed. Most of us who have these protests in our areas have openly heard death threats to Jews and there’s been no response from the authorities on this in the same way that far right protests have been heavily scrutinised.

The only reason I brought this up wasn't to derail the thread or discuss Gaza in depth, it was to simply point out to the OP that racism or any form of bullying or discrimination isn’t always called out upon - especially if it’s deemed a left leaning viewpoint. Gaza is only one such instance of this issue.

Note that I am not speaking up in favour of any side, I just hate the hypocritical aspect of it. Any extreme viewpoint especially if it preaches hate should be scrutinised. But if it’s deemed left leaning, it rarely is which is a problem.

@RandomNameChangeAlgorithm the thing that really jumped out at me is her comments about gay people being brainwashed by the left.

Can you clarify what she means by that?
She can't possibly think that a sexual orientation that has always existed was influenced by the left from the beginning of time!

I accept that you may need to not be friends with her. But she also may change her mind, on any number of things. So maybe it's worth a chat and trying to save a friendship. I certainly don't think she's wrong in everything she says.

OP, you said your friend is intelligent, is she educated, traveled a lot, mixed with other ethnicities/cultures etc? I have never met someone who is described as this and is a Reform supporter, although I am sure they exist! I do agree with some comments here about previous governments not acknowledging issues around integration and unfortunately this fuels the brainless xenophobia.

I consider myself as centrist/ slightly left leaning and I have a friend who works for a right wing government in a different country. We see each other once a year and don’t talk about politics, we managed to somehow preserve our distant friendship this way. It wouldn’t have worked with a close friend.

It depends though. The old right wing was certainly pretty intolerant of gay people as well as ethnic minorities for quite a while. But I agree that right wingers historically might be more relaxed about other things.

Ok : you don’t think she is all wrong and you can’t believe she thinks gay people are some kind of lefty plot but what ifOP does think she is wrong on specific beliefs/ goals and she does think that gays are a lefty plot/commie/jewish/freudian plot ? Is it ok for OP to stop entertaining her rants?

By the way if you knew your social and political history the accusations that homosexuality is the product of outside malign forces such as Jews/Freud/communism/ leftism/bad mothers/ something in the water etc…are all accusations that various governments and health organizations have made in the past.

She's lost touch with a lot of our mutual friends from the past recently because people can't deal with the politics: old friends have basically ghosted her and I know she is sad and confused about this.

"Dear friend, we go back so very far, and I know you're upset about friends dropping you. Do you realise you've become a crashing bore? We can't even enjoy a garden centre any more without you starting a rant about whatever the YouTube algorithm decided to show you today. You used to be so interesting and thoughtful."

And try taking her back to who she used to be before this obsession. Big up what you valued about her then. "Do you remember when we XYZ? I loved that!"

But of course you can drop her if you feel you can't take any more. You're not compelled to be the audience for someone's selfish performance.

Being a liberal doesnt mean accepting bigotry.

@pikkumyy77 oh I know the history

The madness that goes on does stretch back to the beginning of time -but the OP friend accusation seems particularly weird to me. I've certainly not heard anyone with that view in 2025.

Of course OP has the right not to be friends with her. I just thought as it's a long-standing friendship, it might be worth a discussion. I did say "maybe".

of course it's okay for OP to stop entertaining her rants. I never said it wasn't.

I've previously said to her that she and I will never agree on, ……. and can we just agree not to talk about this subject as I find it difficult. But she won't accept this and will always bring every discussion around to this,

lets bring this back to what matters. Op’s friend does not care about the impact she has on her or other people as clearly referenced in the op.

i removed the sentiments the ops friend had expressed in that quote because you’re right op, those views are disgusting. I’ll be civil with bigots where I have to, but friends. How? Like how do you build a friendship with someone struggling with such basic concepts somewhere.

I’m not here to teach you how to think in better ways. Come find me when you can.

I ended up being very blunt with a 10 year friendship, though you could call it casual dating too. As our political views got to have less in common he got more strident about them though called it discussion- I made my lack of interest in constant discussion apparent but started seeing them less and less. Last time he asked me to go out I just said ‘Well only if TR views are just not mentioned today’ - 30 minutes in or less and I hear all about his ‘research’ - point out I’m completely disinterested and it will only lead to draining discussion- no let up. I made it through the evening but never again and I said why.
It was easier than with an old friend with no dating type additions I think, but a shame as we have had many memorable holidays/support in life events etc, but I do think some people will just not hear - I think in fact that some more recent converts are like a kid with a new toy/adult with a new crush that can’t help themselves as they’re so excited about their new knowledge/beliefs.
I think it’s fairly new to be so almost evangelical about it all - I have folk assume I’m racist in the street, which I find baffling as well as abhorrent tbh, but they can just start discussing deportation or saying racist stuff to me - a complete stranger. Never enters my head to mention my own anti racist views to strangers randomly.
Once upon a time opposing views were kept more quiet, not discussed if felt difficult, but discussed fairly amicably if not. But this has changed.
I suggest trying to be upfront in as nice away as possible about just best not to talk about this topic, you’re not really ready to do all the research like her?! Or something but if it’s her new passion then I guess it’s hard for her - but at least she will have it laid out clearly and understand.

Yep

So to expand on this a bit: I don’t think she necessarily thinks all gay people ever have been brainwashed by the left. But she thinks the number of people who “identify as gay” has been hugely exaggerated by what she calls the “LGBTQ+ industrial complex”.

So for example we have a (former) mutual friend who has two daughters, late teens early 20s, who are lesbian and she has fallen out with this friend because she says “clearly” both these children will revert to heterosexuality when being gay stops being “the default way to be accepted”. She has barely interacted with these two young women and seems to have based this conclusion purely on the fact that the mum, our friend, is independently wealthy and doesn’t need to work for a living but works to support causes she believes in. Obviously the mutual friend is furious about this and has decided a line has been crossed.

She has also said she believes George Michael and David Bowie were both straight and says other bisexual people we know who are in settled straight relationships were “gender bending for fun” when they were young.

I cant stand being in the same room as people going on and on about their latest opinions whatever they are. I usually just ask them to pack it in or Ill leave. I just cant bear it. Conspiracy theories are the worst or extreme religion where they are practically begging you to pray with them. It feels like an assault.

Don’t most of us make friendships with people like us? People with similar values? When the values diverge then we drift apart as friends.

When you are older you have definitely released friendship reins in your life! People who we used to see all the time are not on our Christmas card list now. They have their views but they don’t align with ours so even after many years, it’s not a continuing friendship. Mostly it’s because they adopt a noisy attitude to politics and post things we disagree with. We have definitely had friends who want DHs expertise as a structural engineer for their homes and then post nasty things about second home owners. We have a second home in their area (and they a blow ins who inherited a house ) and dh could help them because we stayed in the area! Yet we are devils who ruin everything apparently! They do this to fit into their community of course but it’s disrespectful to us. So who needs it? We don’t.

I don’t need my friends to align politically with me. In fact in many ways I think having friends with different perspectives enriches my life. I am not trying to create a monoculture.

But I do want people with different perspectives to be able to allow me my own intellectual autonomy and not to constantly bang on at me with the zeal of religious evangelism.

I had a friend who was similarly afflicted during Brexit. I knew she was more politically conservative than me as more of a left leaning centralist (which doesn't mean much these days as we have gone further right anyway). We used to really try to talk daily and go over each new news item that had provoked a reaction that day, trying to see the lines and find a central viewpoint. It worked really well for about a year but within the space of 3 weeks she had seemingly completely deteriorated to the point she was yelling at me daily that I wanted my child to die, seemingly because I went abroad and have a dog. She was literally shouting that my child would be raped abroad and all sorts, ranting on and on, which was very distressing. In any other situation I would have suspected a mental health crisis and worried about her kids, but she was still functioning in her job as a teacher and her husband seemed to support and share her views. The final straw came when her son threatened another kid at his school with a gun his dad had bought and I realised that I really didn't recognise the kind of parent she had become, let alone the dread I felt before each call as they had become abusive rather than discursive. I haven't spoken to her since (literally just stopped the daily calls - she tried to call me once but nothing else) and I don't regret it as honestly I found her very damaging by the end. I will remember the fun of our 20s and 30s fondly but I don't want to hear the viciousness and selfishness she pushes any more. For your own mental health I strongly recommend doing the same.

She isn't wrong on several counts there.

Men who say they are women and who want to sleep with women are not lesbians. They are straight men. The LGBTQIA++ hands knees boomsadaisy industrial complex has indeed made it 'cool' to be 'gay or lesbian' and the chances of both daughters being actual lesbians are miniscule. Especially if they date 'trans' women who are men. And if they are doing it to attention seek from their mother. But obviously that is speculation as I don't know this person and you do. So turning these points into 'gay people have been brainwashed' is alot of assumptions on your part here. There is alot to unpick in your statement that minimises so many different issues for young people right now.

George Michael and David Bowie are both dead so no point in discussing their reasons for being gay, straight or indeed bisexual now.

Sorry but this is a misleading hijack and completely false.

I’m very aware of the gender critical feminist perspective on trans and up to a point I agree with a lot of it. I accept some of these positions in relation to trans.

But this is nothing to do with trans ideology. This is two young women who identify as women but are same sex attracted.

@RandomNameChangeAlgorithm I don’t expect complete meeting of political ideas but I don’t want angry politics in friendships either.

I don't really care what people think. We can still be friends but I just cant stand it when they bang on about it non stop. Its so boring.

You misrepresented the issue by saying that she said gay people had been brainwashed. But that's not what she said. So why lie?

I’d ditch her for what you’ve written in your middle paragraph. Commenting on the sexuality of her friend’s children is crossing a line and shit-stirry, no wonder she’s losing old friendships.

You say she doesn’t have children herself so she’s probably got too much time on her hands to go down internet conspiracy theory rabbit holes. She doesn’t sound as clever as you seem to think she is.

How come you remember so much detail about everything she’s told you? You’ve quoted her word for word a lot. Sure this isn’t a reverse?!?!?!

Bottom line is that life’s too short to hang around with people whose company you don’t enjoy so in your shoes, if this isn’t a reverse!!!!, I’d do the slow fade. Good luck!!

It doesn't sound as if you like this person much. Why are you friends with them? Why can you just agree to disagree and talk about the things you do have in common? And if that's not currently possible, tell her if she doesn't stop trying to convert you to her way of thinking, you'll have to step away? And the same goes the other way?

As an aside, I think the whole Right = Bad Set of Beliefs, Left = Good Set of Beliefs is tediously simplistic but I suspect a symptom of a wider sense of urgency and helplessness at an ever changing world overloaded with superficial headline information on just about everything. 10 years ago, I was as guilty of this politically tribal thinking. I was a fully paid up Guardian reader/liberal Lefty and it never occurred to me that The Truth or The Right Side of History would not always be aligned with the suite of beliefs 'my' side signed up to. I'm a bit less high on my own supply these days :)

I try hard to remember this when my male Brightonian friend bangs on about trans rights at me, uninvited. And I won't be drawn into his current obsession, Israel-Palestine which he endlessly posts about in a borderline antisemitic way. We differ in our conclusions, doesn't make either of us bad people. And I try to remember that I too am always forming and reforming opinions on a myriad of things, some of which, I've moved around quite a bit on including immigration, assisted dying, abortion laws (late access), surrogacy, body autonomy, NHS, AI, UBI, gay-cake-gate, religion and the very construct of our shared reality (Age of Disclosure, anyone?)...the list goes on. I would prefer to continue to be curious about my own opinions and hold enough humility to realise there will always be another way to land on any of these complicated topics. (And to not make any of my current thoughts core to my very identity.) Hope you find a way forward.

I’m not lying. She has said that in the majority of cases people who describe themselves as gay have been “brainwashed by LGBTQ+”.

The point is there is a huge difference between being gay and being trans.

The trans issue is complicated but there are certainly individuals who have been leant on to undergo some unnecessary medical procedures etc.

But being gay is a completely different issue. There’s no credible evidence that anyone thinks the LGBTQ+ “lobby” is pressuring people who are heterosexual to identify as gay.