I’m 64 and my partner is increasingly snarky. Do I leave?

[plinkero]

I have grown up happy kids from previous relationships and all get on well with previous partners.
he’s extremely kind and hard working.
For what it’s worth there’s a big disparity in incomes and he has lived in my house for ten years with me paying all the bills ( I’m ok with this )
however he is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and it’s getting me down. And it’s getting worse.

his only child died in a car crash about 15 years ago - she would have been the same age as my oldest daughter, now 31.
i can never pretend to fathom the deep grief this has caused. But I think it affects everything, especially family gatherings with my grown children
Around family times like Christmas he gets increasingly snarky towards me.
tonight is an example.
3 of my 4 kids share a flat in the city. We were all invited to dinner at kid #4’s new flat.

driving there directly take us 30 minutes.
The 3 kids asked if we could collect them ( they don’t have cars) this would add 20 minutes to our journey.

i would not have hesitated to do this if I had been the driver. No big deal. Ifs how my family works.

i knew my partner would be antsy about this . I’d had a glass of wine already so couldn’t drive. He went off a rant about how they are all adults and how I pander to them blah blah
the 3 big kids ended up walking to the gathering which took about an hour and a half.
when we got home he went to bed and I was watching videos on my phone. He yelled from the top of the stairs “ TURN THAT DOWN “
I don’t understand why he can’t ask calmly

I’m stuck. This is just a summary, I’m too tired to add details

Tell him not to be a dick

Is it only in situations relating to your family/his loss that he gets unpleasant to you? Have you raised the issue with him? Is he getting better or worse? Do you love him? Sorry, lots of questions.

Yes, I would leave if I were you. No woman should have to put up with a man who treats her with such contempt. It's your home, you pay the bills and yet he treats you like that?! You say it's getting worse - does he bring you any joy at all? Or do you constantly feel like you're walking on egg shells in your own home?

For what it’s worth there’s a big disparity in incomes and he has lived in my house for ten years with me paying all the bills ( I’m ok with this )

Why isn't he contributing to bills? And why are you ok with this?
He sits around and doesn't have to contribute and then he behaves like a massive knob?

As another poster has asked, is it just related to family gatherings and holidays such as Christmas? It sounds like it could be unresolved grief. It must have been terrible to lose his daughter and the family events where your children of similar age are there could be triggering him. This does not excuse his behaviour at all. If this is the reason, and he's fine the rest of the time, then he needs to get help to deal with it because he shouldn't be taking it out on you (especially not after 15 years) and if he doesn't want to take steps to resolve his issues then he needs to go.

He’s living for free and is complaining about giving a lift to the kids? What an arsehole.

Unresolved grief doesn’t give you a free pass. It’s a reason you may choose to opt out of some activities at some times when the grief is too hard, but not to be a dick to the people you still have.

I'd ask him to go to GP for a well being check.could be vitamin D deficiency for example in depths of winter making him tired and depressed and irritable (especially as you say he is very hardworking...probably indoors a lot??)

If he refuses to see GP I would start getting a bit more resistant to being treated like this and say you can't live with someone who makes you feel like you are treading on eggshells. You have the right to be treated with respect and seeking help or counselling would be respectful of him.

But physical checkup first. Blood pressure, diabetes, vitamin deficiency

My husband is 63 and has to take many medications!!

Realistically his snarkiness and grumpiness is never going to stop and you are going to miss out on the special times with your children and possible grandchildren due to his behaviour. Is this how you want to continue living until you die? Because if you don't then you are going to have to leave. It really is that simple.

(although not anti depressants. He does do 8k steps a day though as a matter of principle despite numerous health problems including cancer in remission)

He went off a rant about how they are all adults and how I pander to them blah blah

Bit rich coming from a fully grown cocklodger.

I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't go 20 minutes out of his way to pick up my children. And how dare he shout at you in your own home? I'd be telling him to pack his bags, sorry OP.

Thank you so much for your replies so far.
to answer some questions
I do love him, very much. He tells me he loves me. AndI believe him . He does lots of lovely things for me - does loads of house maintenance and repairs for example.
Yes I have tried calmly discussing it with him. He flares up and accuses me of trying to start an argument

The not paying bills is my choice. I don’t have a mortgage, have a good income and paid for everything before we got together. I have always gone out of my way to be financially independent and don’t want a man ever making a claim on me.

How do you feel about making your children walk for over an hour just to pacify a man?

Ohh my God, DITCH HIM!
What on earth do you need a man for?

He's living for free, in your house, you paying his bills, and he can't even drive 20 minutes out of his way to pick up your children?

Why can't you watch videos in your own house!!!

You aren't stuck, you're in a great position - financially independent, own home, supportive adult children - send him packing.

Yes

Here’s a recent example, and I just cannot fathom this one.
him “ the bins go out tonight “
me “ not till tomorrow, this is only Tuesday , bin day is Wednesday “

him , rolling his eyes and scowling … “this is WEDNESDAY “

I was sure it was Tuesday so got my phone out and calmly confirmed it.
he laughed and said “ I was just testing you “.

This was such a blatant lie that I challenged him and said why can’t t you admit when you’re wrong? ( was I wrong to say this ?)

he then got angry and claimed I was trying to start a fight.” As usual”

classic DARVO

So he lives on your dollar and tidies up the house that he also lives in for free.

but is an arse about you helping your children

um

yeah I mean if he is a good shag then keep
him but otherwise get rid. Why would you listen to a cocklodger ?

I think your relationship has run it's course. He's grown comfortable living off you and is behaving extremely entitled in YOUR home. The grumpiness at his age will not improve. He is not your responsibility. Time for him to leave.

DARVO - deny , attack , reverse victim and offender

Lots of excellent points made by pp. He’s damaging your relationships with your children, ruining what should be happy occasions and as pointed out being a complete hypocrite about you wanting to help your DC as he is basically living off you.

I have huge sympathy for anyone who has lost a child, and his grief may be the cause of his behaviour. But that doesn’t make the behaviour okay and the fact that he won’t discuss or acknowledge how he is making you feel is totally unacceptable. I’d cut my losses and concentrate on your DC and other relationships which enhance your life.

Cos she loves him and he really loves her! 😒

You do realise he’s making a claim on you
financially by living in your house and not contributing anything? He’s taking you for a mug.

Agree! After he’d shouted at me, he’d be on a final warning. Life is too short for treading on eggshells op, particularly as you are an affluent lady who does not need a man! You do a lot for him. He needs to appreciate you more.

It’s the Jekly / Hyde thing that gets me.
he is very big on practical demonstrations of love which is absolutely my love language! He will do anything helpful/ practical I ask.

But he gets the lows when he’s a grumpy critical bastard ) his own words this evening) and the n I’m on the eggshells 😵‍💫🙁