I’m 64 and my partner is increasingly snarky. Do I leave?

[plinkero]

I have grown up happy kids from previous relationships and all get on well with previous partners.
he’s extremely kind and hard working.
For what it’s worth there’s a big disparity in incomes and he has lived in my house for ten years with me paying all the bills ( I’m ok with this )
however he is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and it’s getting me down. And it’s getting worse.

his only child died in a car crash about 15 years ago - she would have been the same age as my oldest daughter, now 31.
i can never pretend to fathom the deep grief this has caused. But I think it affects everything, especially family gatherings with my grown children
Around family times like Christmas he gets increasingly snarky towards me.
tonight is an example.
3 of my 4 kids share a flat in the city. We were all invited to dinner at kid #4’s new flat.

driving there directly take us 30 minutes.
The 3 kids asked if we could collect them ( they don’t have cars) this would add 20 minutes to our journey.

i would not have hesitated to do this if I had been the driver. No big deal. Ifs how my family works.

i knew my partner would be antsy about this . I’d had a glass of wine already so couldn’t drive. He went off a rant about how they are all adults and how I pander to them blah blah
the 3 big kids ended up walking to the gathering which took about an hour and a half.
when we got home he went to bed and I was watching videos on my phone. He yelled from the top of the stairs “ TURN THAT DOWN “
I don’t understand why he can’t ask calmly

I’m stuck. This is just a summary, I’m too tired to add details

I too asked that earlier today :)

his only child died in a car crash about 15 years ago - she would have been the same age as my oldest daughter, now 31.

So you asked him to drive your children at Christmas time, when his only daughter died in a car crash ?

I think you need to be more sensitive to his emotions.

plinkero

Walking on eggshells is code to living in fear to my mind.

This is he showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.
He is behaving abusively towards you and he's also been able to live for free in your house for the last decade!.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
And your relationship bar is far too low and he has taken full advantage of that. You can be bought off by him doing DIY and practical tasks in some crap love language BS and he knows that too. He is taking you for a right mug and he has no respect for you whatsoever. he certainly has no respect for your adult children and no you are not pandering to them either.

Who died and made this bloke king?. You need to get him out of your house and permanently. Be on your own and rebuild your life without him in it. Far better than having an abusive cocklodger about.

Do read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft; your bloke is in those pages.

No it's not dementia (that shows a poor understanding of what that actually is) nor is it anything to do with his late daughter. If anyone should be more sensitive to emotions too it should be OPs man but he really does not care for and or about his partner at all. All he cares about is his own stupid self and getting his needs to control the OP met.

This ^. He doesn't contribute to bills but won't do a favour for your family? My DH will get up before dawn to pick up adult DC's partners from the airport, let alone DC themselves.

He is selfish and entitled and will only get worse. I pull DH up every single time he slips into Victor Meldrew-style Old Man Grouching mode because I won't live like that. We have a choice. Especially if you are financially independent, you have the luxury of choice, so exercise it.

I had some sympathy for this man because of the grief he must be experiencing, however the Bin Day senario says a lot. His behaviour is just plain nasty! No excuses. Plus youre treading on egg shells around him. 😢

That is not something you should have to put up with. I’d have a “last chance” talk with him,

This will be hard because you’ve said he claims you’re just trying to start an argument. So I’d pick a time when things are very calm and start by saying you don’t want an argument you want a discussion about your future.

No, it’s not okay. It’s your house and as you are paying the bills, you don’t need him. I’d be asking him to leave.

No one disrespects me in my home. Ever. And that includes my DH who works and pays for everything as I have been a SAHP of SEN kids for 20yrs - a DH who, moreover, wouldn’t dream of behaving like you describe OP.

Kick him out, OP. You deserve better.

absolutely this. In answer to your question OP, No, YOU don't leave - he does. Vile man.

I'd be telling him to leave frankly. No woman should put up with some bloke who talks to her like crap within her own home. He needs her to leech off far more than she ever needed him.

He does not likely behave like this around outsiders, no this treatment is for the OP herself.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Dementia has many facets and anger and being depressed certainly are aspects of dementia - some forms of it! It’s not just the confusion many people see.

This is a man who isn’t really integrated into your dc. I’d plan more carefully and not drink if you know you might need to drive. Many men seem to think young adults are totally not dependent on a parent and your partner probably doesn’t care if he sees them or not. They aren’t his dc are they!

Id be concerned about his attitude going forward. Good luck getting him out of your life though. However it seems you move through relationships fairly frequently in the past, so hopefully you have a plan.

Yes you should dump him, or let him get his own flat and just date him if you really want to, but stop including him in family events and letting him ruin nice occasions. I can’t fathom how or why he let your adult children walk for 90 minutes to an event rather than drive 20 minutes out of his way. Weren’t they upset? Surely it put a dampener on the evening? How does he have the audacity to say that they need to stand on their own two feet when he is completely dependent on you, and not even grateful it seems.

Get him to move out. He doesn’t appreciate you or deserve you, and it’s sad to think that you know he will ruin occasions in advance. It will only get worse as he gets older.

He doesn’t have a legal hold on you but he’s living at your expense.

OP

You know about DARVO - deny , attack , reverse victim and offender
because you cited this in one of your posts. This is exactly what he is doing to you and its a tactic much beloved by abusive people to bring their target down.

He targeted you and deliberately; he basically determined your type of man you like and became that for you. However, it was an act and now it is an act he can no longer maintain. He is really an emotional abuser and now he is further ramping up the power and control against you. What do your adult children think of your bloke?. I would think they wonder why you are with such a man at all because you are really too good for him.

Nice snarky , unnecessary, belittling comment there about her previous relationships. Jesus Christ, this forum really is vile sometimes

Would him moving out for 6 months help you?

although he sounds practical around the house, which is good, it sounds as if he’s incapable of examining his own behaviour or apologising. Both very bad.

I’d talk seriously to him, say you need him to change or you will end the relationship.

Life’s too short to be walking on eggshells in your own home.

OP you are so mistaken to tolerate this man's behaviour. No man would would get away with that with me. In your own house?? Your DC may not have been able to get a taxi or uber for your dinner. I would never have made them walk 1 and1/2 hours in middle of winter?? Did you not confront him about it? Get rid of him. While he lost his child and has sympathy - that fact should make him be kinder to your children - not resent them and nasty at Xmas. Ask him - does he want them dead too? Be careful you don't in fact, lose children because of him. How do they feel about him?

@plinkero so your ‘extremely kind’ partner refused to go out of his way for 20 mins and left your three to walk for an hour and a half?? Would he refuse to pick up three friends? That’s not kind, and was done solely to make a point because they were YOUR children. He shouts at you and admits to being a ‘grumpy bastard’.
Sorry, I’m with the chuck him out brigade. If he’s that resentful of your dc, it doesn’t bode well. Especially further down the line.

You can pay for a handy(wo)man to do jobs around the house, get rid of the partner and not have to walk on eggshells.

But if he is very big on practical demonstrations of love, why wouldn't he drive 20 minutes to pick up your DC? That would have been a practical and helpful thing to do that would have meant a lot to you. Is it that he doesn't like the idea of you showing love to your DC? It's terrible that he lost his daughter but I would be so sad about him refusing to do this

@YetAnotherWannabeWriter - Yes I noticed she was 64. She could live to be 84! It's still decades ...

My exh was similarly difficult over my relationship with my dc..
My current dh drove to collect ds when he wanted to move on full time at 14...no previous discussion tbh. He is a bloody fab step df...
Get rid op. And enjoy your dc guilt free.
Imagine how he is going to be with any dgc..... Your life won't be pleasant imo.

Jesus Christ. He sounds awful. Get rid of him.

He is making a claim on you. You are paying his bills!