I’m 64 and my partner is increasingly snarky. Do I leave?

[plinkero]

I have grown up happy kids from previous relationships and all get on well with previous partners.
he’s extremely kind and hard working.
For what it’s worth there’s a big disparity in incomes and he has lived in my house for ten years with me paying all the bills ( I’m ok with this )
however he is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and it’s getting me down. And it’s getting worse.

his only child died in a car crash about 15 years ago - she would have been the same age as my oldest daughter, now 31.
i can never pretend to fathom the deep grief this has caused. But I think it affects everything, especially family gatherings with my grown children
Around family times like Christmas he gets increasingly snarky towards me.
tonight is an example.
3 of my 4 kids share a flat in the city. We were all invited to dinner at kid #4’s new flat.

driving there directly take us 30 minutes.
The 3 kids asked if we could collect them ( they don’t have cars) this would add 20 minutes to our journey.

i would not have hesitated to do this if I had been the driver. No big deal. Ifs how my family works.

i knew my partner would be antsy about this . I’d had a glass of wine already so couldn’t drive. He went off a rant about how they are all adults and how I pander to them blah blah
the 3 big kids ended up walking to the gathering which took about an hour and a half.
when we got home he went to bed and I was watching videos on my phone. He yelled from the top of the stairs “ TURN THAT DOWN “
I don’t understand why he can’t ask calmly

I’m stuck. This is just a summary, I’m too tired to add details

Your bin example is arsiness totally unconnected to any grief issues. Do you really want to put up with that for the rest of your life?

If you want to pander to your kids, why shouldn't you?
When I'm 64 I'll be doing all the pandering I want to!

i can’t help feeling very sad for him of course after such a terrible loss. Has he got enough income to support/house himself?

Id very quietly get legal advice if I were you. He lives with you and contributes to maintaining the house - I wouldn’t be sure whether he might have a claim of some kind. Know what is likely before you take action.

I have lived with a partner who made me be less generous than I wanted to be to family members. It was miserable, though I will admit he wasn’t always objectively wrong. The walking on eggshells bit was thecwirst part. I wish now that I had pushed back more. Why not just have a big row and insist on picking up the kids? What would have happened?

He has no legal claim on me

You are walking on eggshells and frightened to give your kids a lift so they have to walk for an hour and a half. No way would I stay with a man like that. My kids would always come first. What exactly does he bring to the table in the relationship.

Completely off the point but why couldn't your children have got a taxi?

If his irritation is fuelled by grief, I can see that picking up your 3 adult children to visit their sibling is a minor event in the scheme of things. And this time of year is quite emotive, with the focus on happy families and having fun.

Has he had any grief counselling?

As @PermanentTemporary has pointed out, he might have. Get legal advice

After reading the thing about the bins it's clear he's just an arsehole. The bins have nothing to do with grief and the loss of his daughter.
He can go in the bin before next week's collection.

Life is way too short to mess around with people who bring you down

Get rid

Why are you glossing over everyone's replies? The man is clearly not a good egg and 'I love you' shouldn't be a blanket statement which trumps all else. He sounds horrid. If he were lazy or forgot your birthday that wouldn't be so important and serious in the scheme of things, but it's the nasty streak he has and he's mean to you AND he's financially and emotionally abusive towards you, so how can you be in a good relationship?
I bet if he felt he was losing his goose that lays his golden eggs ('his' because he's taking them and everything from you) I bet he'd promise you the world.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
he works very hard but his income is low , this is partly why I have always refused and financial contributions. He does pay for food and nights out.
he could rent a small flat within his £

The person not afraid of starting a fight was clearly him with the scowling and insisting it was wednesday. You can see this. But why does he not understand that a disagreement and a question of why someone is behaving in a certain way doesnt equate to " fight". It comes from an attempt to understand. Would you ever dream of "testing" him like that, even though he wasnt actually, that was a lie............ no way you would........ Its disrespectful. He needs to understand love is an action, its how you treat people.

There was nothing wrong with what you said, and the fact you even have to ask shows your sense of normal has been skewed.

The refusal to pick up your kids seems selfish to me and again, not loving in terms of the fact that you are their mum and given that he was invited with them to share in the meal. Its spiteful.

"He will do anything helpful/ practical I ask."

Except pick up your children which would have cost him 20 minutes in a warm car but instead cost them a 90 minute walk in the cold.

Not seeing a helpful man here. I'm seeing a man who is punishing you for his loss. That is beyond grumpy / snarky / whatever phrase you want to use to minimise his behaviour. No-one should ever have to walk on eggshells.

Someone treating you nicely never overrides when they treat you badly.

My mum’s husband can get really snarky with me, and I know it’s because he has a shitty relationship with his own kids. It makes me withdraw from them - we are planning on a Christmas away from them next year because I’m fed up of walking on eggshells. I realise thats a different situation. But do you want your relationship with your own kids to be affected by his behaviour? In my experience, if they have their own children it’ll only get worse.

He is responsible for his own behaviour as you are for yours, terrible events in our lives do not excuse us from treating others badly. If you want to stay in a relationship with him you need to reset the bottom line for yourself and not be silenced by his accusations that talking about difficulties is starting an argument. It sounds like finances might feature in your dynamic difficulties, whilst you feel comfortable to be financially independent through providing he may, over time be struggling with how that sets the power in the relationship, I am not saying he is right in any of his behaviour but it may be his worry that he is vulnerable results in him acting out his discomfort by exerting his power inappropriately through making demands of you. I wonder if your compliance is an attempt to meet that need even though you don't agree with it? This will lead to resentment and your question about separating seems very understandable.

10 years is quite a long time, you say the behaviour has been increasing - was it always there or do you think there has been a particular point that it started? Has the Jekyll and Hyde description been in evidence throughout or has this too emerged over time? Communication in relationships is vital and if you don't feel able to say what you think and engage in honest dialogue how can problems be worked on? You say he is kind and hardworking, how does he show you he is sorry for is part in any difficulty?

Imagine what your kids would have thought as they walked to the party. They would have known it was because of him and you were just appeasing him.

I think you’re making too many allowances for him. It is tragic that he has lost his daughter for sure - but his behaviour is not really
linked to this. He’s just a grumpy old git and you need to call him out for that and tell him you’re not prepared to put up with it. If he is unreasonable - say that to him: ‘ No I don’t agree - I am going to make my own decision here and I’m not going to argue about it.’
Just be assertive- no need to explain or justify.

This question is important 😕. I think the answer in this situation is quite clear. 😕

Oh come on, OP didn't MAKE them walk anywhere. OP says the oldest is 31, ffs, old enough to decide how to transport themselves To be honest it's quite weird that if they have sufficient income to rent a flat they didn't just club together for a taxi rather than walking an hour and a half! It would only have been a few quid each for a 20 minute journey. Either they are incredibly tight or, although it would have been nice to have had a lift they didn't mind walking, either way it wasn't OP's fault (and she could also have paid for a taxi if she felt that guilty, or they could have asked for a lift earlier).

I'm not defending her DH but it's not as though they were 12 year olds walking barefoot through snow to school. There's no need to try and guilt trip her.

OP he's really done a job on you if you're walking on eggshells in your own home, shutting you down when you ask him a question and turns himself into the victim.

You know if you're being honest with yourself he's not good for you and he's getting worse otherwise you wouldn't have posted here asking do you leave him.

As for saying you love each other well talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words.

You’re being taken for a ride OP.

Do you think he’d be with you if you had no money?

It's the festive season. Lots of people going out. Sometimes, a taxi just cannot be had, for love nor money.

This!! What an absolute prick he is.

I see plenty of men berating and controlling their partners out in public. While I feel sorry for the women, I wonder why they put up with it. As you can probably tell by my username, I’m done with being jerked around by these idiots.

I am infuriated that this selfish fucker made your kids walk 90 minutes rather than inconvenience himself by 20 minutes. Why aren’t you infuriated? This alone would be enough for me to end the relationship.

You call him a Jekyll and Hyde - I'd call him out for being a cunt - plain as that.

In your title you say 'Do I leave?' - I sure hope that is a typo, because he needs to leave.