I’m 64 and my partner is increasingly snarky. Do I leave?

[plinkero]

I have grown up happy kids from previous relationships and all get on well with previous partners.
he’s extremely kind and hard working.
For what it’s worth there’s a big disparity in incomes and he has lived in my house for ten years with me paying all the bills ( I’m ok with this )
however he is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and it’s getting me down. And it’s getting worse.

his only child died in a car crash about 15 years ago - she would have been the same age as my oldest daughter, now 31.
i can never pretend to fathom the deep grief this has caused. But I think it affects everything, especially family gatherings with my grown children
Around family times like Christmas he gets increasingly snarky towards me.
tonight is an example.
3 of my 4 kids share a flat in the city. We were all invited to dinner at kid #4’s new flat.

driving there directly take us 30 minutes.
The 3 kids asked if we could collect them ( they don’t have cars) this would add 20 minutes to our journey.

i would not have hesitated to do this if I had been the driver. No big deal. Ifs how my family works.

i knew my partner would be antsy about this . I’d had a glass of wine already so couldn’t drive. He went off a rant about how they are all adults and how I pander to them blah blah
the 3 big kids ended up walking to the gathering which took about an hour and a half.
when we got home he went to bed and I was watching videos on my phone. He yelled from the top of the stairs “ TURN THAT DOWN “
I don’t understand why he can’t ask calmly

I’m stuck. This is just a summary, I’m too tired to add details

It doesn’t sound like he brings you much joy, and you are also clearly walking on eggshells around him so as not to trigger his fragile ego; that’s no way for you to live, OP.

Given your DP has lived in your house for free for the past 10 years, he should have jumped at being asked to go 20 minutes out of your way to do your DC a favour.

Personally, I think he will get worse and worse, unless you have stern words with him in the first instance. If he doesn’t change his ways after a frank discussion, I’d be getting rid of him and protecting my peace. Let him find somewhere else to live for free.

Does he have any claim on your money, pension, home -I doubt but I’d check with a solicitor if you decide to ask him to move out.
My DH gets snarky if we have to eg get to the airport for a flight -it is anxiety over it all. Could be some sort of anxiety about the social event coming out as stroppiness in your DP.
I would call him out on it as he is being unreasonable and would most likely acknowledge that if it was pointed out.
if he denies it then that is not on. My DH can use a very brusque way of speaking to me but denies it sometimes, very annoying. It is almost always something else stressing him. But we are both generous to our adult DCs.

Imagine what your life would be like if your positions were reversed. You hold most of the cards, your life would be a misery if he did. The instance with your AC, why didn't you insist he collected them? It's not unreasonable. I wonder what they really think of him? You say he's getting worse, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Perhaps it is, only you know the answer.

They are grown up, they could have got a taxi. She was unable to transport them due to having a drink, not to pacify a man.

He doesn't sound 'extremely kind' to me

Just think how peaceful your life would be without his grumpy rudeness. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just collect your kids and have a fun drive with them. You do not need a man financially, you’ve the golden ticket! Many women all over the world do not have this privilege, do yourself a favour and cut him loose.

I agree with the poster who recommend a check-up.

Also, could be depression.

I think he should fuck off.

No one gets over the death of their child and family events do bring grief to the surface. But it seems to me he is sort of punishing your children. There is no way making your children walk an hour and half to your family meal was ok. If he won’t listen to you. , could he be persuaded to get some therapy to help him manage his feelings without taking them out on you and your family.

If he won’t do that it would seem he either thinks his behaviour is fine or that he knows it isn’t but believes you and your children deserve it. Either way indicates a lack of respect and disregard of your feelings. And as you have said it’s getting worse so your future with him is going to be increasingly difficult and miserable.

Life’s too short for this, OP.

There is a lot to unpick here OP.
It' s really not as simple as he's being a dick so he has to leave.
This is going to be long so bear with me.

I'm not going to give you a 2-line post like 'Kick the bastard out'.

I'm pretty much your age so have the handle on older men, my parent's marriage, friends' marriages etc. I think older men can become grumpy for a whole range of reasons, which they can't unpick themselves.

I think he could benefit from grief counselling because even after all these decades, Christmas is bound to be a terrible time for him, especially when surrounded by all your children playing happy families.

If he's a low earner and doesn't contribute much to your joint outgoings, that's a real imbalance. Although he may feel he's onto something good, financially, some men might feel quite worthless being 'kept' by a strong, financially stable woman. Maybe these outbursts are pent-up frustration with himself compounded by his grief.

Paradoxically, even though he's onto a good thing money-wise, he may feel you control everything (I know this sounds irrational) and it's his way of taking some control and being 'more of a man'. I don't know how his daughter died but maybe there is some misplaced guilt or blame there too?

You both need to sit down and have a sensible discussion about how his reactions are affecting you.

The other possible issue is dementia. One of the first signs can be mood changes. One of my parents died from dementia and they changed from being a placid, reasonable person to someone aggressive and downright unpleasant. Are there any other signs he may be on that road?

I'd be very worried if I were him because if you die first, where does he go?
He'd have to rent for the rest of his life- and how would that work when he only has a state pension? Does he have an occupational pension?

I know this is not your problem, per se , but you have contributed to it by not having an honest conversation about the future and his security. Presumably your Will leaves your assets to your children?

That's a great post YetAnotherWannabeWriter

The not paying bills is my choice. I don’t have a mortgage, have a good income and paid for everything before we got together. I have always gone out of my way to be financially independent and don’t want a man ever making a claim on me.

He IS making a claim on you - every single day.

In one sense he's being treated like a spoilt child- all handed to him on a plate except for the food bill. You really do need to reconsider this.

Asking him to pay 50% of the bills won't make you financially dependent on him because you can afford to pay them yourself anyway (it just means you can save more of your money to pass onto your children or spend on yourself).

Oh right so he lives on your dollar and gets the arseache about giving your DC a lift over Christmas!

He is trying to gaslight you instead of being grateful for you.

You've got decades of this to come. You don't need him.

It's not on you to fix his grumpiness, whatever the cause. Throwing him out might give him the impetus he needs to do something about it himself. But I doubt it.

Ten years of financial support is a high, high monetary price to pay for a Hyde!

He doesn’t sound kind. He sounds grumpy, resentful, critical and undermining of you. Doing maintenance to the house he lives in for FREE isn’t ’helping you’ or being ‘nice’, btw.

Unless there is a lot more to this we don’t know, I wouldn’t want to be saddled with this bloke into my old age.

My experience.

Long marriage - lots of verbal, “Have I told you how much I love you?”, but not much follow through with actions and deeds. I walked on eggshells, he did lots of DARVO.

when I finally asked for divorce, the hate finally shone through. Worked out that he’d rather stay ‘single’ in a marriage than lose half the money.

Im much, much happier now and much closer to my dc.

Your partners behaviour reminds me of my ex’s when the lack of respect/dislike ‘leaked out’.

Have you missed she is 64?

Oh and ‘doing nice things’ like repairs and house maintenance is for his benefit not yours.

Think through all the things he does do, and doesn’t do - and who do they benefit - really?

@YetAnotherWannabeWriter OP could still have decades!

He needs bereavement counselling. In the meantime can you organise family get togethers so that he somehow doesn’t have to go, pretend it was planned last minute, organise in dates you know he’ll be away that type of thing. It’s evidently just too much for him at the moment. I wouldn’t leave him actually I think it can be managed sensitively and snappy arsey behaviour will decrease. Sorry your going through this too OP.

In your shoes, I’d try out living separately for a while and see if the relationship improves. Wouldn’t be looking to move together ever but you can still have his companionship whenever it works.

Should that not work either it will be easier to end if you’re already living separately.

His behaviour wasn't good but you do need to look at the reasons why. The bigger picture.

On the one hand he may be an arse and behaving like a spoilt child who's had shed loads of money thrown at him. (By living with you almost for free.)

But on the other hand there are very unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. And you're 50% responsible for that.

The outburst about the lift is the tip of the iceberg.

Playing devil's advocate here-

They are you kids. You chose to have a drink so you couldn't drive. He is clearly finding Christmas and families very hard because of the death of his daughter. You could have been more emotionally aware of his feelings on that night. Yes, he was wrong to make a fuss BUT look at how he was feeling. And men rarely say how they are feeling.

In a well balanced relationship, being the drink-free driver is not an issue. But this was one night when the death of his daughter was probably foremost in his mind.

The power is all skewed. YOU have all the power because you've allowed him to become dependent on you. And sometimes that may feel 'controlling' for him.

If you're going to kick him out, which is what you asked, you both need to have a serious discussion over why your relationship is no longer working - and consider making him pay his way, properly. You sound more like a parent to him than an equal partner.

Have you considered whether this is the early stages of dementia? - I’m saying thus because in your bins story he gets angry when you prove he is wrong about what day it is. In your driving to pick the kids up story there’s a change of plan, extra effort, and a change of route. It’s worth considering.