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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 64 and my partner is increasingly snarky. Do I leave?

127 replies

plinkero · 01/01/2026 22:35

I have grown up happy kids from previous relationships and all get on well with previous partners.
he’s extremely kind and hard working.
For what it’s worth there’s a big disparity in incomes and he has lived in my house for ten years with me paying all the bills ( I’m ok with this )
however he is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and it’s getting me down. And it’s getting worse.

his only child died in a car crash about 15 years ago - she would have been the same age as my oldest daughter, now 31.
i can never pretend to fathom the deep grief this has caused. But I think it affects everything, especially family gatherings with my grown children
Around family times like Christmas he gets increasingly snarky towards me.
tonight is an example.
3 of my 4 kids share a flat in the city. We were all invited to dinner at kid #4’s new flat.

driving there directly take us 30 minutes.
The 3 kids asked if we could collect them ( they don’t have cars) this would add 20 minutes to our journey.

i would not have hesitated to do this if I had been the driver. No big deal. Ifs how my family works.

i knew my partner would be antsy about this . I’d had a glass of wine already so couldn’t drive. He went off a rant about how they are all adults and how I pander to them blah blah
the 3 big kids ended up walking to the gathering which took about an hour and a half.
when we got home he went to bed and I was watching videos on my phone. He yelled from the top of the stairs “ TURN THAT DOWN “
I don’t understand why he can’t ask calmly

I’m stuck. This is just a summary, I’m too tired to add details

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 02/01/2026 14:56

YetAnotherWannabeWriter · 02/01/2026 08:12

There is a lot to unpick here OP.
It' s really not as simple as he's being a dick so he has to leave.
This is going to be long so bear with me.

I'm not going to give you a 2-line post like 'Kick the bastard out'.

I'm pretty much your age so have the handle on older men, my parent's marriage, friends' marriages etc. I think older men can become grumpy for a whole range of reasons, which they can't unpick themselves.

I think he could benefit from grief counselling because even after all these decades, Christmas is bound to be a terrible time for him, especially when surrounded by all your children playing happy families.

If he's a low earner and doesn't contribute much to your joint outgoings, that's a real imbalance. Although he may feel he's onto something good, financially, some men might feel quite worthless being 'kept' by a strong, financially stable woman. Maybe these outbursts are pent-up frustration with himself compounded by his grief.

Paradoxically, even though he's onto a good thing money-wise, he may feel you control everything (I know this sounds irrational) and it's his way of taking some control and being 'more of a man'. I don't know how his daughter died but maybe there is some misplaced guilt or blame there too?

You both need to sit down and have a sensible discussion about how his reactions are affecting you.

The other possible issue is dementia. One of the first signs can be mood changes. One of my parents died from dementia and they changed from being a placid, reasonable person to someone aggressive and downright unpleasant. Are there any other signs he may be on that road?

I'd be very worried if I were him because if you die first, where does he go?
He'd have to rent for the rest of his life- and how would that work when he only has a state pension? Does he have an occupational pension?

I know this is not your problem, per se , but you have contributed to it by not having an honest conversation about the future and his security. Presumably your Will leaves your assets to your children?

Edited

I agree with this. Best to try to unpick the situation rather than resort straight away to kicking him out. Lots of couples get into unhealthy ways of interacting. Counselling could help him, or both of you, understand what lies beneath his attitude.

OhDear111 · 02/01/2026 16:10

@evermineeverthineAnd you think that’s not relevant?! I’d get real. Dc by other men and this guy has lost his dc. He maybe isn’t really accepting the ops dc as part of the set up he engages with? if you think all men accept all scenarios and previous relationships you are totally wrong. It absolutely has a bearing on this and the op moves on. She might have good reason to not stay with the dads but she does. This partner might wonder what role the previous dads have? He’s not dad to any of them.

evermineeverthine · 02/01/2026 17:13

Onelifeonly · 02/01/2026 14:56

I agree with this. Best to try to unpick the situation rather than resort straight away to kicking him out. Lots of couples get into unhealthy ways of interacting. Counselling could help him, or both of you, understand what lies beneath his attitude.

Show quote history

He's not dad to any of the (very) adult children but he's happy to accept the fruits of her labour in every other way it seems! . Her previous relationships and her ability to leave them have no bearing on his behaviour. It's his to own, not hers. That is , except , the job of throwing him out - that's her job to execute.

evermineeverthine · 02/01/2026 17:27

evermineeverthine · 02/01/2026 17:13

He's not dad to any of the (very) adult children but he's happy to accept the fruits of her labour in every other way it seems! . Her previous relationships and her ability to leave them have no bearing on his behaviour. It's his to own, not hers. That is , except , the job of throwing him out - that's her job to execute.

Show quote history

Sorry my quote was to "ohdear"

Seelybe · 02/01/2026 17:59

@plinkero but it's your house so you wouldn't be the one leaving?
Just know this will only get worse as he gets older. Grumpy old man syndrome is an actual thing and even more so when they were already arsey. Just think about him retiring and being around all the time

The trait of claiming black is white rather than be wrong is deeply unattractive. I suspect if he stays you will gradually get more and more alienated.
Does he need medication for depression? Might be worth a try if deep grief has had such a long term impact.
How

FinallyHere · 02/01/2026 18:22

its your house and you pay the bills.

What is it with men thinking they can be snarky, horrible and well, yes, nasty. Not collecting your children when you would have is in my book nasty.

don’t leave, kick him out. I’m sure you would feel better for it.

ask yourself why you say you love someone in whom you recognise DARVO?

Could you afford to pay for, live without or learn to do yourself the jobs he does around the house.

Pelsall116 · 02/01/2026 18:27

You have stated he is living in your house - surely it is him that should be leaving not you?

OhDear111 · 02/01/2026 18:32

@evermineeverthine Her previous actions do have a bearing on leaving this partner though! She knows how to do it. I’ve no idea why he’s living with op as a maintenance man but he’s not interested in her dc and has his own issues. He’s in a very vulnerable situation but even that hasn’t registered it appears.

Gliblet · 02/01/2026 18:41

plinkero · 01/01/2026 23:13

It’s the Jekly / Hyde thing that gets me.
he is very big on practical demonstrations of love which is absolutely my love language! He will do anything helpful/ practical I ask.

But he gets the lows when he’s a grumpy critical bastard ) his own words this evening) and the n I’m on the eggshells 😵‍💫🙁

What's his love language? Because to be honest if he's worked out that doing a bit of routine maintenance when asked (which, let's face it, he'd have to do in his own home anyway) is enough to keep you happy then it's not Jekyll and Hyde so much as bare minimum/slipping below the bar. You should never have to tread on eggshells and no amount of glosswork or gardening justifies that kind of behaviour.

Original poster
plinkero · 02/01/2026 21:41

@YetAnotherWannabeWriter thank you for taking time to give such a comprehensive well reasoned reply.

thank you everyone for your replies , from LTB to the more considered.

to clarify, my 3 adult kids were perfectly happy to get a taxi , they did not expect us to collect them but In my brain / world , that’s what families do.

they were perfectly happy to get a taxi ( there were big delays due to it being January 1st) but that’s not the point. We were out driving and it’s second nature for me to swing by and collect them.
in the end up 2 of them walked ( perfectly happy to do so, they like walking) and the third who was bringing a bunch of food got collected by car by the kid with the new flat.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 02/01/2026 22:00

@plinkero yes they may have been perfectly happy to walk or get a taxi, even the one with the ‘bunch of food’ (that Grumpy was happy to eat?) but that’s not the point is it? It’s his refusal to do your dc this ‘favour’ . As I asked previously , would he have done the detour for a couple of friends? If not, why not - Mr Kind (but also grumpy, aggressive, and makes me walk on eggshells….

MCF86 · 02/01/2026 22:13

If after ten years he isn't willing to do a nice thing for your DC that costs him nothing more than 20 minutes, I am assuming they don't have much of a relationship with him themselves?

My mums husband would do anything for me or my brother, out of love for her! We both visit them a lot and he is grandfather to DCs. Can you see that happening?

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 02/01/2026 22:26

My adult dd lives between 2 homes. She had lifts over Christmas without question when public transport wasn't on. I mean why wouldn't I?

BastardtheCat · 03/01/2026 06:38

latetothefisting · 02/01/2026 00:06

Oh come on, OP didn't MAKE them walk anywhere. OP says the oldest is 31, ffs, old enough to decide how to transport themselves To be honest it's quite weird that if they have sufficient income to rent a flat they didn't just club together for a taxi rather than walking an hour and a half! It would only have been a few quid each for a 20 minute journey. Either they are incredibly tight or, although it would have been nice to have had a lift they didn't mind walking, either way it wasn't OP's fault (and she could also have paid for a taxi if she felt that guilty, or they could have asked for a lift earlier).

I'm not defending her DH but it's not as though they were 12 year olds walking barefoot through snow to school. There's no need to try and guilt trip her.

Show quote history

It’s only partly the transport issue though to me. It’s about 3 of your kids - regardless of age - piling into the back of your car and catching up with a quick chat/laughs/checking in. Another precious memory made in the shrinking time we have left with our adult children as they navigate their own lives.

I wouldn’t care if it was a 5 minute walk - I’d love to collect my DC.

He STOPPED that. How did you explain that to your DC? I bet they discussed it. They know you appeased this man and put his stroppy demands first.

No way could I live with a man who did that. He needs to sort his mind out. As much as I’m sympathetic to his loss, he does not have the right to spoil what you have.

Sally2791 · 03/01/2026 07:03

He sounds horrible, you say he’s hardworking so what does he do with his money? Does he not feel bad living off you? The grumpiness and refusal of the lift would really put me off him. If he refuses to have a calm discussion about these issues I would be asking him to leave.

BastardtheCat · 03/01/2026 07:21

Fast forward 5 years when you could be made a grandmother….

Is he going to begrudge you this? Will he try and influence your role as a potential grandparent? Will he start spitting feathers over you offering childcare or sleepovers?

YetAnotherWannabeWriter · 03/01/2026 08:37

plinkero · 02/01/2026 21:41

@YetAnotherWannabeWriter thank you for taking time to give such a comprehensive well reasoned reply.

thank you everyone for your replies , from LTB to the more considered.

to clarify, my 3 adult kids were perfectly happy to get a taxi , they did not expect us to collect them but In my brain / world , that’s what families do.

they were perfectly happy to get a taxi ( there were big delays due to it being January 1st) but that’s not the point. We were out driving and it’s second nature for me to swing by and collect them.
in the end up 2 of them walked ( perfectly happy to do so, they like walking) and the third who was bringing a bunch of food got collected by car by the kid with the new flat.

Thanks for thanking me @plinkero !

I think there is fault on both sides here.

This is not about taxis or putting the bins out- it's far more fundamental than that.

IF his daughter had not died at 15 in a car crash and IF it wasn't Christmas and he loss was more painful by watching you with your family, I'd say you are not suited to each other and should discuss splitting up. And that his behaviour was unacceptable.

you are both almost OAPs so it's not just about kicking him out without talking, sensibly.

I think many posters here cannot begin to understand the loss of a child and how that will impact on him forever. It will come in waves and be triggered by events. No one ever gets over the loss of a child- they learn to live with it somehow, some of the time. You may have caught him at a 'bad moment' when you asked him to collect your adult kids.

He's not blame-free but at the same time context is everything here.

You could look at your own behaviour in relationships too. I see the dynamics as you wanting to be in control . You aren't relating to him as an equal partner. You've not integrated him fully in your life even after 10 years (and you're both heading to pension age.)

Asking him to pay only for food is not ideal for either of you. He might think he is onto a good thing but in terms of a relationship it creates a huge imbalance.

Without being judgemental, just 'reporting back' on what you have said, you have had several relationships that have not worked out.

You've 3 children with 2(?) men and met your current man at 54. It's worth thinking about whether they were all bastards and you're well shot of them or if there is something in your own behaviour or how you choose men that contributes to the relationship breakdown.

I hope you find a way forward.

Diblin93 · 06/01/2026 01:44

just because a person is grieving/feeling depressed etc,,. Is in no way an excuse to treat someone else as an emotional punch bag. Are you going to allow him to sour all your future interactions with your children?? Calmly explain that he either changes or he ships out. He can make an appointment to speak to his GP, see a councillor, whatever. But what doesn’t have a right to do, under any circumstances, is treat you or your kids like shite.

ActiveTiger · 06/01/2026 01:49

Agree with another poster sorry your kids are older than me and I would always make my own way to family gatherings as do my brother's and sisters, wouldn't think of not doing so tbh. Not like there teenagers there in there + 30s

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 06/01/2026 01:54

OhDear111 · 02/01/2026 10:02

@AttilaTheMeerkat Dementia has many facets and anger and being depressed certainly are aspects of dementia - some forms of it! It’s not just the confusion many people see.

This is a man who isn’t really integrated into your dc. I’d plan more carefully and not drink if you know you might need to drive. Many men seem to think young adults are totally not dependent on a parent and your partner probably doesn’t care if he sees them or not. They aren’t his dc are they!

Id be concerned about his attitude going forward. Good luck getting him out of your life though. However it seems you move through relationships fairly frequently in the past, so hopefully you have a plan.

Edited

@OhDear111

Did you really just say ”Good luck getting him out of your life though. However it seems you move through relationships fairly frequently in the past, so hopefully you have a plan.”?

YetAnotherWannabeWriter · 06/01/2026 07:57

@Diblin93 You seem not to understand how emotions work.
A person who is grieving and depressed often WILL behave in a way that isn't kind or thoughtful. That's what grief can do to you.
You're completely missing the point of how emotions work.
They are emotions. Not cold logic.

We don't know the full back story here but my guess is that he was feeling very raw and being asked to taxi 30+ year olds, who are not his but have 2 (at least) fathers, because their mum had been drinking was not helpful to his emotional state.
Especially when his young daughter died in a car crash.

OhDear111 · 06/01/2026 08:04

@NoCommentingFromNowOnI did. The op says her ex have several fathers. She’s not been with one man throughout her life. This might contribute to her present partner being less than helpful. Along with his feelings at Christmas although I personally think this is a stretch after 15 years and would surface throughout the year if he compares his loss to the OP’s dc. Just not sure they are the best fit if he’s not embracing her dc.

Owly11 · 06/01/2026 08:06

Urgh i can't stand men like this.

YetAnotherWannabeWriter · 06/01/2026 10:27

OhDear111 · 06/01/2026 08:04

@NoCommentingFromNowOnI did. The op says her ex have several fathers. She’s not been with one man throughout her life. This might contribute to her present partner being less than helpful. Along with his feelings at Christmas although I personally think this is a stretch after 15 years and would surface throughout the year if he compares his loss to the OP’s dc. Just not sure they are the best fit if he’s not embracing her dc.

The OP says her 4 children have different fathers (not her ex.)

You can't put a time limit on grief.
Why would it be less painful after 15 years especially when he is with a woman who has 4 adult children and he was about to spend the day with them?

I can't help think there are some fairly immature posters here who are unable to understand how the loss of child impacts on someone, especially at a time like Christmas.

He may need grief counselling even after 15 years because for a child to die in a car crash usually means someone was to blame- the driver of that car or another car.

On another point I think it was a bit selfish of the OP to drink and ask another person to taxi her adult children around.

I have the feeling she's the bossy one, not wanting to fully share her life with him (she only permits him to pay for food - not the bills etc- so he has no 'claim on her' if they split up) .

They are almost OAPs so time to have a grown up discussion about the future of the relationship, regardless of this incident.

lljkk · 06/01/2026 10:58

Do you enjoy or feel upset during the majority of the time you spend with him, OP?

You could live another 20 yrs+ so no way do you want to spend it being unhappy with your housemate.