How do you grieve a marriage to someone with Autism and ADHD after divorce?

[Bramble234]

I was married 20 years. In the early days there were a few odd things he said but i was totally in love. After 10 years we had a lot of issues with needing IVF, my health issues, issues with family pets etc etc. I noticed as soon as the hit the fan he ran a mile. When we disagreed we couldn't talk about it. He just didnt seem able to chat. We saw a counsellor and it didnt help. Eventually we got divorced, We coparent our 2 kids. He has severe depression although its somewhat controlled now. I have severe physical health issues, work full time and do 95% of the parenting. He's had a girlfriend for a year or so. I'm single after a 3 year relationship post divorce.

Recently our son was assessed and has ADHD. This has bought things to a head with my exh and he finally got assessed. He has always known he has dyslexia but has now been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.

We tried to have a conversation yesterday about our daughter and his autism is so so so obvious now. His response to some of the chat was just cruel and heartless. I think back to the last 25 years and he has never said thanks to me, never told me im good at anything, never given me a hug and comforted me through all the trauma we have had. He's had so much therapy that if i tell him now that im struggling with something he says that he 'hears what im saying'. He sounds like a robot. He doesn't feel anything, He's just trying to express the emotions he has been told he should have. I've recently learned i need another surgery and his response was what if it goes wrong and your disabled, meaning he would have to have the kids more.

We divorced 5 years ago but he has lived with me and the kids for the last 6 months because he lost his job and house. He is moving out in March to his own place as he has a job now. I didn't want to let him move back in but he had no where else to go and the kids want to see him.

I just cant get passed the anger at him for being so uncaring, at myself for not knowing something was different all along, for always thinking at some point he would give me a hug and comfort me even after 20 years of him never doing that.

My kids have ADHD and one has dyslexia. I fear so much for them if they grow up like their dad. He is so selfish, self obsessed and cold. He cant help it, i know that now. Its how his brain work. As he has a girlfriend i assume he doesn't come across this way to her.

I just feel so sad. I just don't know how to move on. Its been nearly 5 years and i still struggle to accept that he just isn't the man i thought i married, that he was never capable of giving me what i wanted, that i was so stupid not to realise earlier. The relationship was so one sided where emotions were concerned that I made myself physically ill carrying the load all by myself. I just feel so sad i got it so wrong. We both would have had such better lives if we had been with other people. If he had known 25 years ago that he had ADHD and Autism his life would have made more sense to him and we would never have got together.

And i know people with autism and ADHD can have a wonderful life, i know there are positives and i focus on them for my kids. But they both mean my exh could never be the man i thought and hoped he was. The formal diagnosis has made me so sad.

Your husband reminds me of the little boy with ASD in the coffee shop who has a meltdown, tips over the tray and shouts the place down. They all have to leave. The lighting was bothering him. He wasn’t able to say it, but the end up was: that he got his way. They left. That’s my experience of it.

Your husband got his way, moving back in with you too. Sorry about your operation. I hope you will be ok x x

@Bramble234 I’m so sorry to hear about your operation, that’s a long hospital stay.

Quite frankly, your ex is a rubbish parent. He needs to step up for his children while you’re unwell, tough shit if it’s inconvenient. Just because he’s ND doesn’t mean that he’s excused from doing his best for them. He chose to become a parent. 🤷

Not to mention that you’re currently housing him, he should be so grateful to you and helping you as much as possible. What a dick. 😡

Replace ND with ANY OTHER disability or protected characteristic and maybe you'll see how wildly offensive and ableist this is. "Of course you can't understand as your (sic) ND." Assuming we're all heartless, and stupid apparently.

Talking about the "effect" our disabilities have on NT people and then trying to say we're the ones lacking in empathy!

The damage you will be doing to your ND children with your outdated and inaccurate stereotypes and assumptions about ND people will be HUGE. And no, you're not educated, not even slightly.

She didn't mean you were heartless, or stupid. She meant your way of thinking means you cannot understand other's ways of thinking. Let's not kick people while they're down.

Which is absolute rubbish, I can absolutely understand other's ways of thinking. My empathy rests with her children who are hearing all these awful things about the disabilities they were born with and can't help, and which do not make them unable to empathise, stupid, heartless, cold, selfish or any of the other despicable terms she thinks describe autism.

No, please - she’s absolutely not saying that and not conveying that to her children at all! The opposite, OP is doing her best to paint their father in the best light, swallowing her needs as a result.
OP says her children are delightful… and it’s apparent from many of our experiences that ASD and emotional abuse can co-exist. Just because he’s ASD doesn’t mean his behaviour is above scrutiny at all.

The only people on this thread who have said ND people are all heartless and stupid are ND people trying to morally shame to derail the topic.

What people have said is that ASD is a social and communication disorder that might give rise to social behaviours that can be harmful to others.

Acknowledging that some ASD-related impairments can manifest in behaviours that are harmful is not saying “all ND people are like this”. It is saying when harm happens, it must be taken seriously, not explained away.

Replacing ND with “any other protected characteristic” doesn’t work, because this isn’t about identity, it’s about behaviour causing harm. Safeguarding is always about the impact of behaviour, regardless of whether the person responsible is disabled, a child, traumatised, or otherwise protected. That isn’t ableism; it’s how harm is prevented.

Protecting victims and insisting on boundaries is not a lack of empathy. It is a refusal to sacrifice one person’s safety for another person’s diagnosis.

Just to add, the impact isn’t exclusively limited to NT people. The behaviours causing harm can harm anyone, including ND people as well.

OP did NOT say any of that.

How is the OP a victim or been harmed? She was in a relationship with someone who didn’t meet her emotional needs, but that’s as much on her as him. Her high emotional needs are no more ‘right’ than his lower needs or (perceived) indifference to them, to him it may have been exhausting and confusing being with someone who demanded so much time and attention. He may have been extremely empathetic to her difficulties but wasn’t able to express it in a way she understood, or was too overwhelmed.

Following your argument, NT social behaviours can be just as harmful to ND people. Perhaps it should be more about finding someone who you are actually compatible with before committing to marriage or children with them.

She's said EXACTLY that. Imagine if I said, "My colleague is lazy, stupid and slow, but I understand it's not his fault- it's because he's Mexican. I have recently found out via a DNA test that my child is part Mexican and I'm so worried they will be like my colleague. My 12 year old daughter already shows signs of being lazy. Lots of Mexican people are commenting on this but they are too stupid to understand, poor things. I am so glad that lots of people who are not Mexican understand why it's so stressful for me to work with a Mexican," would you, as people have responded to the OP say how kind and empathetic she was, or would you say that she's a massive racist who has made up a load of stereotypes about Mexicans and used them to simultaneously justify her bad choice in men and also belittle and entire population of people?

She didn’t say any of that.

You really can’t conflate racism with the known and recognised difficulties (by ND people themselves) some ND people have in relationships.

You can when the things she's calling ASD have NO relationship to what autism actually is. They're just a collection of insults which she's dressing up as being autism. You absolutely can when she's telling people with ND what they can and can't understand when she's never even met them, based on the harmful stereotypes she holds.

I’m not sure this is the right thread for you. You have not met her either or know what she has been through.

This thread is like a conversation with my husband about something we disagree on.

You know if someone said to me ‘I’m never getting into a relationship with another redhead again, the last one ended up being a nightmare and our personalities just clashed and left me shattered’ I would be like ‘ah that’s a pity you had a bad experience but I understand’

i wouldn’t be trying to convince them that what they are saying is incorrect and they were all wrong. We don’t know what she has been through.

At no point, at any stage has she said ‘they are all the same’ she hasn’t. This was a thread to work out her individual situation that she is still dealing with and not to slag off people she never met. Of course everyone will read it differently but that was my understanding.

This is what she's said. If you want me to go through it all step-by-step and explain why it's offensive, where there are offensive stereotypes, where she shows the harm her attitude is doing to her children, and why there is zero evidence of the emotional intelligence that she thinks she has but we don't, then let me know- I know it is hard for NT people to see obvious things sometimes.

his autism is so so so obvious now. His response to some of the chat was just cruel and heartless. I think back to the last 25 years and he has never said thanks to me, never told me im good at anything, never given me a hug and comforted me through all the trauma we have had. He's had so much therapy that if i tell him now that im struggling with something he says that he 'hears what im saying'. He sounds like a robot. He doesn't feel anything, He's just trying to express the emotions he has been told he should have.

My kids have ADHD and one has dyslexia. I fear so much for them if they grow up like their dad. He is so selfish, self obsessed and cold. He cant help it, i know that now. Its how his brain work

I know its the autism that means he is emotionally shit. Im sure there's autistic people out there who are lovely but its a common theme on mumsnet that women married to autistic men find they are very unsupportive, uncaring etc.

My daughter is diagnosed dyslexic but its likely she has mild autism. She has 1 friend. Now she knows her dad has autism and has no friends she is convinced she has it and thinks it makes sense now why she only has 1 friend. She is panicked. She wants friends.

My daughter is cold and selfish but she's 12 so its hard to know the cause.

For neuro diversity it just seems all the work and compromise is on the neuro typical person.

I would never have got in to a relationship with a neuro diverse person if i had known what the signs meant at the time. I find it especially hard now that I have to navigate exh and his issues but now i have 2 ND kids as well. I love them dearly but their ND definitely comes with additional challenges

And his denial of any issues is all part of the ND

I do feel its pretty impossible for him to learn NT emotional intelligence though. He just doesn't get it.

ND people always want us to understand their view but it seems very little happens the other way.

you can hardly write on a dating profile that you will only date NT people can you.

He said her behaviour was so bad and so extreme that she needs an autism assessment as she must be autistic. He cant see the irony that those words coming from some one with ASD!

this thread is about the effects a relationship with a ND person has on NT person.

Of course you cant understand as your ND. The same way I cant understand the seemingly heartless approach of yours just to walk away, like its easy.

A: I’m never getting into a relationship with another redhead again, the last one ended up being a nightmare and our personalities just clashed and left me shattered
B:ah that’s a pity you had a bad experience but I understand
A: The thing is that because she was a redhead she had a terrible temper and just used to fly off the handle all the time. I know she couldn't help it, it was because she's a redhead that she acted like that. Now, one of our kids is a bit ginger and she's panicking that she's also going to be angry all the time, as I've told her that if you're a redhead you'll never learn to be as calm and rational as a brunette or a blonde.
Redhead: Actually, that's a really offensive stereotype and it makes me quite angry to hear you say that.
A: Well, of course you would be angry. You're a redhead. You'll never understand how hard it is for people like me to recover from a relationship with a redhead.
Redhead: A relationship that you left FIVE years ago and could have left at any point?
A: Well, of course a redhead like you would have lost their temper and walked out sooner. For calm and rational people like me, it's a lot harder. And I saw on South Park that you don't have souls, so of course you wouldn't feel sad about it afterwards.

I don't wish to minimise your specific experiences in your relationship with this specific person, but I can also see how some of the generalisations you are making here are being received as harmful by ND people. I can also hear your need for support and how unheard you've felt at home and don't want to be unduly harsh.

Your relationship is your relationship. It doesn't speak for others. A relationship between two ND people isn't defined by them being ND, any more than it is if you are NT/ND, or NT/NT. If you only want answers from or think you will resonate with NT people with ND partners/exes, then you want an echo chamber, and MN isn't it. There is a lot of harmful rhetoric on here about autistic folks, it can make it a tough place to be at times, and that will influence some of the responses you get, on both sides. There are also a lot of us around who believed for a good proportion of our lives that we were NT and oops - turns out not.

There are some NT people on here who say some disgustingly ableist things about ND folks. There are also some ND posters here who can be equally extreme on the other end. Be careful of developing an "us and them" mentality, especially if you have ND children. Do you want them to grow up thinking their ND is going to make them terrible partners by default? You sound like a very dedicated and loving parent, and I can't imagine for a second you want that for them.

Whoever said this thread is like a chat with their husband is spot on.

Not much shocks me but wow. I have high emotional needs now because I'd like a hug and comfort because ive just found out I have a 2 week hospital stay and am upset.

Also ive never said a negative word about their dad to the kids. I let him move back and im perfectly nice around him and them. They do not know any of the thoughts ive expressed on this thread and they never will. They know they are ND and of course I talk about the positives of that aswell as offering them help and support where they need it.

@Bramble234 you’d be welcome to join us in the ASD partners thread in Relationships where you will be understood. Late diagnosis can bring a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms that are really challenging to relating. I’m sending you a hug as well, I really hope this operation goes well 💐 rooting for you.

Not much shocks me but wow. I have high emotional needs now because I'd like a hug and comfort because ive just found out I have a 2 week hospital stay and am upset.

That's valid, and you are deserving of support and comfort. I just feel you are placing the blame in the wrong place here for not getting it from your ex. The diagnosis is a red herring and it's both letting him off the hook and making you think that he might have been the partner you needed without his ND. I guess you won't ever know, but what matters now is protecting yourself from his propensity to take from you and not give back.

A little look around this forum will show you that disengaged, disinterested and lazy men are ten a penny on here, both NT and ND. Men who have kids because "it's what you do" not because they want to be fathers. Men who get swept along with the tide. Men who want kids and a wife but don't want the hard work that goes with it. Your ex isn't special in this regard because he's ND. He's one of a countless stream of these crap men who put the bare minimum in and expect far more out. And too many women let them because the alternative feels so hard and lonely. I don't like the ableism on here, but equally, I don't like the tendency to excuse plain old shittiness in men because ND either. Because we ND women don't get the same free pass, and the net result is often the same for ND female partners of said rubbish men. They too end up as single parents even while still in the relationship, carrying the load, suffering in silence, wondering what on earth they need to do to get the man to see they can't do it alone.

He's your ex - he should be co-parenting your children and supporting you in that way, and doing his share, but he isn't obligated to give you hugs and emotional comfort, and nor are you obligated to do that for him. Time to get tough, diagnosis or no diagnosis. He needs a timeline to move out and quit expecting support from you that he's not prepared to give himself to coparent as a team. The diagnosis is a red herring - with or without it, he's failing his family. Boundaries are your best friend.

You deserve a partner who can meet your emotional needs and I say this with kindness, stop looking for it in someone who will never be able to give it to you and being disappointed when you get the same result over and over again. Don't do it to yourself any more. He isn't going to change. And stop meeting his high emotional needs when he can't or won't meet yours.

If I were someone with negative views of ND people (which I am not!) I would have had those thoughts affirmed by this thread.

Nowhere have you said you have been negative toward your children, I have no idea where PPs have got that from.

I am sorry you are not receiving support, and a hug and a comfort when someone is upset is a very basic need that a partner should absolutely be able to (and want to!!) provide.

One thing that I think gives some hope for ND children's future relationships is that I think we are becoming much more realistic about masking and it's limitations. When I was at school back in the 00s there was almost a feeling of if you can mask well enough then everything is fine, like people didn't realise that it's not possible to mask indefinitely without significant costs.

With these troubled ND/NT relationships a common factor seems to be masking so at the first the NT partner is getting their emotional needs met but when it can't be kept up you get this situation. Better to go into a relationship without feeling any need to mask to begin with.