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Original poster

How do you grieve a marriage to someone with Autism and ADHD after divorce?

152 replies

Bramble234 · 31/12/2025 19:21

I was married 20 years. In the early days there were a few odd things he said but i was totally in love. After 10 years we had a lot of issues with needing IVF, my health issues, issues with family pets etc etc. I noticed as soon as the hit the fan he ran a mile. When we disagreed we couldn't talk about it. He just didnt seem able to chat. We saw a counsellor and it didnt help. Eventually we got divorced, We coparent our 2 kids. He has severe depression although its somewhat controlled now. I have severe physical health issues, work full time and do 95% of the parenting. He's had a girlfriend for a year or so. I'm single after a 3 year relationship post divorce.

Recently our son was assessed and has ADHD. This has bought things to a head with my exh and he finally got assessed. He has always known he has dyslexia but has now been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.

We tried to have a conversation yesterday about our daughter and his autism is so so so obvious now. His response to some of the chat was just cruel and heartless. I think back to the last 25 years and he has never said thanks to me, never told me im good at anything, never given me a hug and comforted me through all the trauma we have had. He's had so much therapy that if i tell him now that im struggling with something he says that he 'hears what im saying'. He sounds like a robot. He doesn't feel anything, He's just trying to express the emotions he has been told he should have. I've recently learned i need another surgery and his response was what if it goes wrong and your disabled, meaning he would have to have the kids more.

We divorced 5 years ago but he has lived with me and the kids for the last 6 months because he lost his job and house. He is moving out in March to his own place as he has a job now. I didn't want to let him move back in but he had no where else to go and the kids want to see him.

I just cant get passed the anger at him for being so uncaring, at myself for not knowing something was different all along, for always thinking at some point he would give me a hug and comfort me even after 20 years of him never doing that.

My kids have ADHD and one has dyslexia. I fear so much for them if they grow up like their dad. He is so selfish, self obsessed and cold. He cant help it, i know that now. Its how his brain work. As he has a girlfriend i assume he doesn't come across this way to her.

I just feel so sad. I just don't know how to move on. Its been nearly 5 years and i still struggle to accept that he just isn't the man i thought i married, that he was never capable of giving me what i wanted, that i was so stupid not to realise earlier. The relationship was so one sided where emotions were concerned that I made myself physically ill carrying the load all by myself. I just feel so sad i got it so wrong. We both would have had such better lives if we had been with other people. If he had known 25 years ago that he had ADHD and Autism his life would have made more sense to him and we would never have got together.

And i know people with autism and ADHD can have a wonderful life, i know there are positives and i focus on them for my kids. But they both mean my exh could never be the man i thought and hoped he was. The formal diagnosis has made me so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 09:46

Pepperedpickles · 01/01/2026 09:57

I have autism, my dh has bipolar and adhd and our son (13) has autism (fairly severely, he’s at complex needs school). So we have a whole household of it. The one thing I will say is that whilst you are suffering and analysing everything, your dh is not. He is quite happy with the way things are. So in terms of worrying about your dc being like him you should try not to. You’re putting your own values and hopes for their future on to them when in reality their lives may be more similar to your dh but that doesn’t mean they’ve failed or will be unhappy - I hope that makes sense. For example, I don’t have any friends, don’t want or need any, I like my own space a lot and I think the reason dh and I work so well together is that we’re both as introverted and strange as each other. I was previously married and I found being in a “normal” relationship absolutely stifling.

Thank you for your reply. One bit did resonate with me especially, that he isn't thinking about this as much as I am. He really doesn't seem to even know when he upsets me so i don't think he worries about it afterwards.

I asked him yesterday about his new house and if there was a chain. He said no and that he would chase the solicitors as I asked him to. Previously i had thought i cant ask him because it will be upsetting to him that im trying to get him out the house and I don't want to offend him. But im now realising that he doesn't think like that. He just thinks i've asked when his house purchase is likely to happen.

Regards the kids, it is tricky. My daughter is diagnosed dyslexic but its likely she has mild autism. She has 1 friend. Now she knows her dad has autism and has no friends she is convinced she has it and thinks it makes sense now why she only has 1 friend. She is panicked. She wants friends. Her dad never has. Making and keeping friends is hard enough but when you cant read the room it must be super hard. And thats where she is, she wants friends but doesn't know how. It breaks my heart for her. She really needs people. She is not a loner. I don't want her to be forced to be a loner in adulthood because she cant make friends.

OP posts:
aquashiv · 02/01/2026 09:52

applegingermint · 01/01/2026 09:15

Sorry, what? Since when has ginger hair had anything to do with disability?

Show quote history

While it may explain some of his behaviour, relying on broad stereotypes is just as unfair as judging someone for having ginger hair.

Remember, it's entirely valid to mourn the end of your relationship and to allow yourself space to process your feelings.

Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 09:57

Januaryschmanuary · 01/01/2026 10:10

This is v interesting. I hadn't heard of Cassandra syndrome.

My exh has also been diagnosed with ADHD and suspected autism though as he got a private diagnosis, I don't think he pursued that. He still seems reluctant to accept autism.

Our son is autistic (preciously would have been called Asperger's).

I also believe my exh has NPD. He abused me in many ways (all but physical).

I took worry about my son. I just tell myself that exh did not grow up with any understanding of himself. His mother is a narcissist and he had an unstable childhood. My child has me. I've done my very best to provide a stable and loving home and to help him understand himself and others.

But it can still worry me. DS can be cold and selfish. That's how it comes across although he isn't doing it to upset anyone else.

I find it hard to navigate when I should be just letting it go and accepting his behaviour because he can't help it, and when I should be explaining that his behaviour isn't nice for others.

My daughter is cold and selfish but she's 12 so its hard to know the cause. I do pull her up when she's being mean.

My exh had a useless mum. We were married 20 years and i probably saw her 10 times because we drove 4 hours each way. She has made no effort with her grandkids. Even now exh has told her about his ADHD, Autism and depression she has offered no support and told him not to use it as an excuse.

I had a nice childhood. But my parents were not emotional, i couldn't talk to them about anything. They never hugged me or told me they loved me. I know they do as they have helped me a lot since i've been ill. I think this is why i ended up with exh, because i wasn't used to emotional support and i was very independent. When i had problems as a kid i sorted them myself. That's how i was as an adult. I never asked for help and was tough. Then we had a lot of set backs 10 years into the marriage and i didn't want to be the strong one anymore, i wanted a partner and he just couldn't do it. That's when i first realised his behaviour was odd.

Im hoping that being very open with my kids, discussing everything with them, helping them solve things and giving them a hug and a space to be upset will mean they expect that in a partner when they are older. And then they wont be in the situation I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 10:06

landslide51 · 01/01/2026 10:17

This doesn't sound like NPD to me, not even covert NPD. People with NPD want to be admired and liked and go to great lengths to get the 'supply' they crave to boost their ego. They are consummate liars, and gas light and manipulate. People are simply pawns to them, useful and so kept around or not useful and dropped.

I'm not sure being blunt with him is going to help OP, do be honest though and you need to be clear with him - but he can't help how he is so there's no point being nasty. It's not his fault that you went along with it and just thought it would change at some point. At the same time there will be reasons that you accepted how he was and went along with it - probably to do with your childhood - so blaming yourself isn't helpful either and won't change things. I understand that feeling of not being able to get that time back though as I've been through something similar (with someone who it turns out does tick all the boxes for NPD).

I think you just have to try and look back at the positive things in your life, there will have been more to your life than just your marriage. If you hadn't married you wouldn't have your lovely kids for example, and you might have married someone who turned out to be unfaithful or became an alcoholic, started taking drugs, developed mental health issues or even committed suicide - there are a lot of things that can go wrong over 20 years in a marriage.

Maybe learning more about ASD and ADHD would help with all the family? If you can understand why he has behaved the way he has it will help you to accept how he is and be more ok with it. Same with the kids, the more you understand the more you can support them and have appropriate expectations.

It's not unusual for autistic people to not say thank you or give compliments for example (google can explain more), he might not like being hugged/hugging or see the point in it and the things you've found cruel and heartless probably weren't from his autistic point of view. They were probably due to him being logical, literal, black and white thinking, an inability to put himself in someone else's shoes etc

Thankyou for your reply.

I have replied to a previous post about mine and exh childhoods which does explain somewhat why we are where we are.
If im honest I don't want to understand his autism. I've had 26 years now of everything being about him. And nearly 5 years of that is since we got divorced. .

What I am doing is making sure my kids get what they need to understand themselves. My sons got his ADHD diagnosis and will get medication soon. And he has loads of friends and no signs of depression or anxiety etc which im told is common. My daughter has her dyslexia diagnosis and will be assessed for autism. I think she has ARFID too so i will get her help for that. I am learning all I can to help the kids and make sure they understand and can help themselves. But for exh im exhausted and i dont want to try and understand him more.

For neuro diversity it just seems all the work and compromise is on the neuro typical person. I have become a shell of myself. Whereas he knows he has issues but does nothing to try to improve his behaviours 'because he cant help it'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 10:11

MightyGoldBear · 01/01/2026 10:47

I think this is a combination of things. I wouldn't just put it all down to adhd/autism.

It's always interesting that lots of us know women with autism/adhd who aren't nobheads. Who can navigate relationships and the world much better than some of the men we know with adhd/autism. That's not to say its easy for anyone but the expectations on women are far higher. So some of what you have seen with your ex is potentially just down to being raised as a man and being a nobhead.

I would keep your expectations open with your children but also know they are different to your ex. They are them. They are individual. They are being raised in a different world to your ex with different parents.

In my family we are slowly getting diagnoses likely all audhd. My husband used to be a nobhead then he changed because he wanted to. It was mostly irrelevant in many ways his neurodiversity. What was more relevant was being raised as a boy/man who has no expectations on him what so ever to have emotional intelligence/accountability/empathy. All those things that regardless of anything women are expected to know.
This is obviously individual to our own circumstances. It will be different for others. I just don't think it helps anyone to label behaviours under any one bracket. We are all so very unique and vary in our capabilites.

Be kind to yourself. Continue therapy. Grieve what you have lost and grant yourself forgiveness for not knowing what you didn't know.

Thankyou for your kind post.
Your are right, exh was bought up very differently than my kids are.

exh has bad depression. He was hospitalised once for a month. Im always scared to not help him incase he tops himself. It adds another dynamic! He mopes about on my sofa on his phone for hours whilst i work full time, tidy, sort kids etc and then he will cook for the kids if i remind him to. Every time this happens i tell him he's crashing again. He needs to help himself and not rely on pills. I know so many women with depression and they still look after their kids every day, no matter how they feel. But as a man he feels he can always put himself first and do nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 10:12

Pepperedpickles · 01/01/2026 11:26

Men with autism are still men. Primarily selfish and very blinkered when it comes to noticing the needs of others. Huge stereotype I know but generally true. They are less likely to mask their autism in order to fit in with others, in the way women often do. This is why when women with autism get to menopause they often reach burn out; unable to mask anymore and the oestrogen they had which helped prop up their “care about everyone else side” falls away. This is where I am now and I really feel it. It’s hard. I just don’t have the energy anymore to keep acting / masking / trying to fit in. Men tend to just side step this aspect of autism completely. This is why so many people see men with autism as being arseholes, and women less so. I think anyway.

I think your totally right!

OP posts:
aquashiv · 02/01/2026 10:12

I’ve taken a look at your post. Have you had a chance to get assessed yet? It’s actually quite common for both partners to be neurodiverse, and women often show symptoms in different ways.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/01/2026 10:15

6 ND members in this family. 4 males. None of them like your Dh

Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 10:19

EarthSight · 01/01/2026 11:54

Reading down the responses here, there seems to be an emphasis in downplaying the role of autism in your marriage breakdown.

Whilst I understand why this is an it's important for education, I can't help that feel that some of the responses come from a feeling of defensiveness, rather than truly empathising with the OP (I am myself most likely ADHD by the way).

I think what you need OP is be be understood and to be comforted. There are many women like you out there and it might be healing for you to be in a group with women like you.

There is an on-going thread on here on Mumsnet for such women -

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17

One can feel anger and distress at the amount of time wasted on a bad marriage, or an unsuitable man. Be careful how much more time you waste on angry rumination.

Also, how much do you have going on in your life OP? How's work? Hobbies? Friends?

Edited

Thankyou for your reply. I have looked at that thread but i find is quite distressing to read about all these women putting up with such bad behaviour by their men - whether the men can help it or not (generally men). I can hear the frustration and upset in the woman and I just think they are all bonkers for staying. I went on a similar one for women living with me with depression and the women were sacrificing so much and getting nothing and it broke my heart.
I sacrificed my own health, mental and physical, for years. I guess its hard to see how much your losing of yourself until your out of the relationship. I was very lucky that I have a good job and so could afford to pay him out of our house and still keep the house myself. I know finances are such an issue.

That's why i started this thread, i wanted to connect with people who have been through similar and chose to leave the relationship.

I do have a really good set of friends, a job I love. My illness has taken away some of my hobbies but i hope to get back to a couple of them when my late January surgery is over. I do go out regularly with friends. I have 2 dogs as well and i love them so much. I would like to find a new man but im not looking this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 10:26

chocciechocface · 01/01/2026 12:07

A friend of mine was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years ago. She is overtly an extremely kind generous person, but her diagnosis seems to have flicked a switch in her.

It’s as if it gave her permission to stop masking (I assume she was masking) and the consequences for her husband and son have been immense.

It’s a complicated story, but her DH has spent his life loving her and trying to support her - pre and post diagnosis - endless sacrifices, and now he’s left with a broken marriage and almost the full responsibility of caring for their autistic son while she carves a new relationship with someone who understands her (I.e. is also autistic).

Despite being an immensely kind person, her inability to see the way she destroys him with her choices and assumptions just blows all of our minds.

Seeing this, plus my own experience with my DH (suspected ADHD) plus other people, makes me feel a NT / ND relationship is a very hard road to travel.

I have another friend who is autistic and ADHD, and our relationship survives by me having VERY strong boundaries. Even so, her RSD means if I don’t reply to messages the same day, she immediately believes she’s done something wrong/I’m angry with her, etc. It’s such hard work. This is despite her self-awareness of herself. It would be so much easier to not be friends with these women.

My experience has been that there is very little room for the NT experiences. Impossible to say “Your intensity is suffocating”, or “Your RSD is draining and exhausting”, or “Your clutter EVERYWHERE is impossible to live with” because they can’t help it and it’s not their fault and they are struggling. But god, it’s hard to live with and, honestly, if I had my life again and the ability to recognise traits, I would have avoided a relationship with someone who was ND.

Thankyou for being so honest. Your line about the clutter everywhere made me chuckle. exh is so messy. When he first moved back in with me in June i gave strong boundaries and tidiness was one. He was still messy so one evening we had a big row as i told him to stop staring at his phone and tidy up. He says he just doesn't see the mess. I told him that I do and if he wanted to stay he needed to see it and tidy. I said he was no longer my priority, my mental health was, and I need to live in a tidy house to function. He pulled his weight for about 5 minutes and then went back to normal.

Its quite frustrating as he has no idea how much i have sacrificed and compromised for him over 20 years married and even now when were divorced nearly 5 years.

I would never have got in to a relationship with a neuro diverse person if i had known what the signs meant at the time. I find it especially hard now that I have to navigate exh and his issues but now i have 2 ND kids as well. I love them dearly but their ND definitely comes with additional challenges. I'm finding it all very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 10:52

ByTheHour · 01/01/2026 12:12

OP, I think you need to re-frame the expectation of some kind of closure -you are not likely to get anything like what you feel you need in terms of acknowledgement from him, so you need to centre your need for closure and completion on how you can reconcile the passing of the decades and the considerable energy invested in a way that feels healing to you.

A previous poster's reference to forgiving yourself is spot on, and the analogy of drinking poison another poster is very apt.

My stbx is most likely autistic; undiagnosed but more open to the possibility since our DC was diagnosed. He can see it would make sense of a lot of his life experiences: life-long mental health issues, periodically flaring OCD, social isolation, language and information processing issues, rigidity of thinking and a perennial feeling of being misunderstood. He is someone who has always 'gone his own way' irrespective of (and not infrequently in spite of) social expectation, sometimes with really uncomfortable consequences.

He too has done a lot of therapy (a specialist interest) and, when we met, was already proficient in couching our differences in 'therapy speak' (but crucially lacking in reciprocal perception): it had the effect of me thinking it was 'all me' for a long time. I've never heard of Cassandra Syndrome -it may be controversial as a PP suggests, but the fact that it reflects my experience and is a 'thing' is validating. I've always striven to hold on to the idea that we are both equally responsible for the mess we've found ourselves in, but CS at least addresses how disconcerting it is to try to 'do' relationship with a person who lacks the capacity to resonate with and respond to even the most basic emotional and perceptual differences.

I am now in a position where separation looks more manageable, but I am genuinely concerned about his capacity to manage to maintain a household in which he could effectively co-parent our DC. I don't want them to see him struggle to manage on his own, and to worry about him. This feels like a real obstacle to separation, so I understand why you have taken him in again temporarily, even though @AttilaTheMeerkat has a point.

Wishing you well with finding a place in which you can let the past be the past and move forward, feeling good about yours and your DC's future.

Thank you for your very eloquent post. Your husband sounds very similar to my exh

I'm afraid i don't have great news about the separation. He moved out. I bought him out of the family home. He didn't have the kids overnight for months as he couldn't organise a bed etc for them. They were only 4 and 8 at the time. Then he had a breakdown and didn't see them for 3 months. We told the kids he was away with work. Then he saw them for a bit and was then hospitalised with depression so again didn't see them for a while. Then for 2 years it was Ok. His house was a mess and I didn't like the kids seeing it like that but i had to realise I couldn't sugar coat their dad for them. He is who he is and honestly they love him anyway. They focus on his good bits - he's a good cook!

All during this time i was having 6 surgeries for crohn's and I had pneumonia and sepsis at one point. It was very touch and go. I relied a lot on my parents. He did look after me and the kids for a bit and he throws that in my face quite often.

exh lost a couple of jobs and then had to sell his house so moved back with me in June. He got a new job in September (with some support from me) and he's now found a new house to buy and will move in March (again driven by me as i think he would have stayed here forever).I told him im selling the family home and downsizing due to my health issues which meant he started looking for a house. He said so many stupid things when i told him. He needed stability, i said i wouldn't sell etc etc. I pointed out that he had told me the house was too big and i should sell for the last 4 years and now i am and he said yes but you never listen. I did point out that i have been very ill for 3 years and couldn't think of moving. I also pointed out were divorced and im not responsible for his stability. He said he wanted to move away with his girlfriend but can't because i need him because i'm sick. Actually they are your kids and you need to help look after them.

I would say what a prick but 'he cant help it'. He's asked what will i do if my surgery in a few weeks goes wrong. After my terrible surgery experiences causing PTSD I really didn't need that comment. I even considered not having the surgery because of what he said.

He never said anything this bad when we were married. He was basically messy and unorganised and just didn't help with anything emotional or physical. I was always on eggshells because of his moods. He would blank me in the house and not even say hello and now he says he didn't know that was rude.

He has a girlfriend who is ND and they have been together over a year.

His diagnosis came directly as a result of our sons and the hopes that if he had ADHD he could try the medication for that as the antidepressants don't work well.

I really feel for you as its a tough time. Honestly when he moved out it was such a relief. I just kept the kids with me until he was ready to see them and have them overnight. Its been up and down the last few years where we have a good routine and then it stops for a bit and then restarts. The kids love him being here and will be sad again when he goes. It will be like the first split all over again. But i didn't realise until we split just how much of a shell of myself I had become. People only tell you after the split how they could see it affecting you.

I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about exh though. He is the kids dad and i want to present him in the best light to them. But at some point i will let that go and they can see him for who he is. And im working hard to make sure the kids don't end up in the same dysfunctional one sided relationship as I have.

Your brave to walk away, and you sound like a strong woman. If you ever want a chat please feel free to message me. I agree the Cassandra syndrome does give some validation to what we have/are going through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 10:56

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 01/01/2026 12:43

I think the third reply nailed it. You did what you did at the time with the best intentions with the knowledge you had. My son is severly affected by his ASD. He was diagnosed at 3. Didnt talk at 7. There is no gifted or talented aspect to his autism. He will never be on a forum defending his very valid flavour of autism. No literate person gets to talk on behalf of his lived experience of autism.

But find some comfort in that he is genuinely one of the sweetest deeply caring loving people alive. He doesn't go around hugging strangers. But those he is genuinely close to he cares deeply about and says the most thoughtful things to. Not platitudes. We went past my dead parents house and he said to me "you must miss them terribly, we are all still here and love you and that's what Matters' he has the mental age of five at 14.

Also you can be a arsehole and ND. There's no mutual exclusivity. I'm sure lots of ND people are also shits like lots of NT people.

That's part of the human condition, Being a shit. It's not part of the ND.

That's very perceptive of your son, what he said about your parents house. I would never get that level of understanding from my exh.

Your right and the diagnosis is very individual and there are a lot of NT arseholes as well as ND ones! i definitely think there's a bit of arsehole in exh too but that nasty side never came out until this year, funnily enough when he moved back in and we tried to communicate more. Then he said mean things. Before that he was just heartless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 11:00

pikkumyy77 · 01/01/2026 13:58

I think this is wise. Stop prioritizing him. This is the path forward. In a way being nice to him, helping him, prioritizing him were all trauma responses (fawning) or a kind of bargaining/denial of the reality which is he is a terrible partner. When you stop trying to influence his behavior you will begin to accept the reality snd be able to move forward.

Show quote history

your so right. By keep being nice to him and expecting him to be nice back, and being constantly disappointed, im just in denial of the reality that he isn't a nice person, whether he can help it or not.

I

OP posts:
Stompingupthemountain · 02/01/2026 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 11:24

Thankyou everyone. I have gone through the thread this morning and replied to a few posts. It has really helped me.

There was a question and yes i've been tested and I have no ND or depression or anxiety. I've had a lot of therapy to help me through different issues in life like IVF, chronic illness etc so am very self aware. I also have a very supportive group of friends and my parents are great on the practical side.

Cassandra syndrome really resonates with me and Ill look into radical acceptance more with my therapist.

I told a friend that exh had to sell his house and she said that must have been upsetting for him. I said no, he told me it was a relief as he didn't like the house. His face was just blank, no emotion at all. There's no understanding from others on what its like to live with someone with the lack of emotions that can come with Autism. Cassandra syndrome does validate feeling of lack of understanding from others too.

Ill be functional with exh now and remember he isn't worrying about any of the conversations like i am. I do think that i keep being nice and eventually hoping he will be as well but 25 years in I need to know better. I don't know why i have always expected him to change. I need to stop that. I have done it with other trauma in my life and thought someone else would resolve it but they didn't. So i need to work on that too.

Ill also try and accept its not about fault. There were very few signs the first 10 years and then when there were signs i didn't know what they meant. Its really come to a head because of the kids diagnosis. Exh didn't know either so its not like he hid it from me. And his denial of any issues is all part of the ND

Thankyou so much everyone. I wish all of those of you dealing with these issues all the best.

OP posts:
chocciechocface · 02/01/2026 11:29

I suspect my DH is ADHD due to a basket of traits plus his father and one sibling definitely are ND, so genetics. But one of the traits is clutter - it’s the one trait that makes me totally crazy. This might sound ‘intolerant’ but I don’t care if he can’t help it. I know he can’t, but I expect him to understand he has a personal challenge that he needs to acknowledge and develop tools and systems - whatever - so his challenge isn’t traumatising to others around him. Chaos and clutter affects my mental health badly. It derails our family functioning. It increases my labour.

You are a step ahead of me, but I’ve told him if he doesn’t figure it out it’s marriage counselling heading for divorce. He knows I don’t ever make empty threats so that gave him a shock.

Personally, in your shoes, I’d give your DH a final warning that if he doesn’t create a task list he has to check and do everyday and stick to it (wash dishes , do his laundry, tidy his clutter in the lounge etc) with reminder alarms on his phone to check his list and cycle through it, then he’ll have to move out. And mean it.

My DH has adapted. I know by his sighing and sometimes visible strain that it’s very hard work for him, but that’s the burden life gave him. I sympathise because I have an invisible physical disability. Fortunately for him, he doesn’t have to share and live with the pain I feel, like I have to with his.

In the conversation I had with my DH I remember saying that if he lost the use of his legs, he wouldn’t expect me to spend the rest of my life physically carrying him around irrespective of how hard that would be for me. He would make all necessary possible adjustments. In my view, the same applies to invisible disabilities. I know not all can be addressed by adjustments, but I expect him to bloody well try very very hard.

I struggle though with the interpretation of ‘masking’. Am I asking him to mask? Is this like asking a person with one leg to compete in a race with able bodied people? Am I being disabilist?

Then I think, I’m NT, but I’m introverted, vegan, foreign, left of centre with right wing family members … I ‘mask’ ALL the time. If I didn’t, I couldn’t exist. I do chores and live daily with physical pain no one else does - and no one even knows this. So isn’t a degree of masking / struggling required for all of us to get by, and where is the boundary between normal masking and pathological masking?

But after years of struggling with this I’m pretty clear that there are things I can live with and things I can’t - even if that makes me ‘disablist’ in the eyes of society.

I have this sense though that the way ND is talked about there is an expectation of total acceptance, understanding and no judgement, even if the traits come with great costs to others. I think the up-shot of that approach will be NT people blanket ruling out relationships with ND people.

My DH is not emotionally absent though, which is probably why we’re still together.

PocketSand · 02/01/2026 15:03

I think you need to switch your attention from your ex to yourself. From your own description of your past, your need to portray yourself as self sufficient with no needs was protective and doomed to fail - we all have needs and need extra support when life deals us blows. Your ex must have been very confused when you changed the dynamic after 10 years. Had you accepted your vulnerabilities you may have chosen a different partner. But you couldn’t and you didn’t. This is nothing to do with him being ND. Maybe he chose you because of what you portrayed.

You must know that your own behaviour is very unusual in housing your ex. This must have been very confusing for your DC.

You are still very protective of yourself - I am not ND, depressed or anxious. So what if you are? It’s not the end of the world. You can learn coping mechanisms and help your DC, who are, navigate the world.

Isayitasitis · 02/01/2026 15:12

chocciechocface · 01/01/2026 12:07

A friend of mine was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years ago. She is overtly an extremely kind generous person, but her diagnosis seems to have flicked a switch in her.

It’s as if it gave her permission to stop masking (I assume she was masking) and the consequences for her husband and son have been immense.

It’s a complicated story, but her DH has spent his life loving her and trying to support her - pre and post diagnosis - endless sacrifices, and now he’s left with a broken marriage and almost the full responsibility of caring for their autistic son while she carves a new relationship with someone who understands her (I.e. is also autistic).

Despite being an immensely kind person, her inability to see the way she destroys him with her choices and assumptions just blows all of our minds.

Seeing this, plus my own experience with my DH (suspected ADHD) plus other people, makes me feel a NT / ND relationship is a very hard road to travel.

I have another friend who is autistic and ADHD, and our relationship survives by me having VERY strong boundaries. Even so, her RSD means if I don’t reply to messages the same day, she immediately believes she’s done something wrong/I’m angry with her, etc. It’s such hard work. This is despite her self-awareness of herself. It would be so much easier to not be friends with these women.

My experience has been that there is very little room for the NT experiences. Impossible to say “Your intensity is suffocating”, or “Your RSD is draining and exhausting”, or “Your clutter EVERYWHERE is impossible to live with” because they can’t help it and it’s not their fault and they are struggling. But god, it’s hard to live with and, honestly, if I had my life again and the ability to recognise traits, I would have avoided a relationship with someone who was ND.

We are not all like that. Just because you know a few, doesn't mean it is a representation of us all. To say you would avoid ND people in any relationship form (is that just partners or friends as well?) Is the exact reason why I like to call out people making general assumptions about people with ND conditions.

To me it's no different than trying to label ethnicities together with generalisations, because you've met 3 bad eggs and think this is everyone ND.

I am none of those things you have described. There are many of us who are not. It sounds to me like personality. The two can be separated.

Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 15:17

PocketSand · 02/01/2026 15:03

I think you need to switch your attention from your ex to yourself. From your own description of your past, your need to portray yourself as self sufficient with no needs was protective and doomed to fail - we all have needs and need extra support when life deals us blows. Your ex must have been very confused when you changed the dynamic after 10 years. Had you accepted your vulnerabilities you may have chosen a different partner. But you couldn’t and you didn’t. This is nothing to do with him being ND. Maybe he chose you because of what you portrayed.

You must know that your own behaviour is very unusual in housing your ex. This must have been very confusing for your DC.

You are still very protective of yourself - I am not ND, depressed or anxious. So what if you are? It’s not the end of the world. You can learn coping mechanisms and help your DC, who are, navigate the world.

I commented that i am not ND as someone in the thread asked if i am. I suppose the thread is all about how hard it is to live with, and separate from, a ND person when your NT. My children are both ND and they are wonderful so that isn't the point of the thread.

I grew up very independent because of my childhood, as i explained, so when partner then became husband and didn't support me emotionally i didn't notice. I just then made my self very ill with the load and needed a change. I don't blame him for me changing. I couldn't have foreseen me getting severely ill with a lifelong condition at 37 and being then unable to carry the load. A load which i didn't even realise I was carrying at the time.

It seems very marmite regards letting him move back in here. People have polar views. Yes its confusing for all of us. But if I had said no he would have moved 5 hours away. As i said I have been severely ill with many surgeries and I need his help with the kids. He cant do that 5 hours away, I certainly didn't want him to move in.

OP posts:
Isayitasitis · 02/01/2026 15:20

chocciechocface · 02/01/2026 11:29

I suspect my DH is ADHD due to a basket of traits plus his father and one sibling definitely are ND, so genetics. But one of the traits is clutter - it’s the one trait that makes me totally crazy. This might sound ‘intolerant’ but I don’t care if he can’t help it. I know he can’t, but I expect him to understand he has a personal challenge that he needs to acknowledge and develop tools and systems - whatever - so his challenge isn’t traumatising to others around him. Chaos and clutter affects my mental health badly. It derails our family functioning. It increases my labour.

You are a step ahead of me, but I’ve told him if he doesn’t figure it out it’s marriage counselling heading for divorce. He knows I don’t ever make empty threats so that gave him a shock.

Personally, in your shoes, I’d give your DH a final warning that if he doesn’t create a task list he has to check and do everyday and stick to it (wash dishes , do his laundry, tidy his clutter in the lounge etc) with reminder alarms on his phone to check his list and cycle through it, then he’ll have to move out. And mean it.

My DH has adapted. I know by his sighing and sometimes visible strain that it’s very hard work for him, but that’s the burden life gave him. I sympathise because I have an invisible physical disability. Fortunately for him, he doesn’t have to share and live with the pain I feel, like I have to with his.

In the conversation I had with my DH I remember saying that if he lost the use of his legs, he wouldn’t expect me to spend the rest of my life physically carrying him around irrespective of how hard that would be for me. He would make all necessary possible adjustments. In my view, the same applies to invisible disabilities. I know not all can be addressed by adjustments, but I expect him to bloody well try very very hard.

I struggle though with the interpretation of ‘masking’. Am I asking him to mask? Is this like asking a person with one leg to compete in a race with able bodied people? Am I being disabilist?

Then I think, I’m NT, but I’m introverted, vegan, foreign, left of centre with right wing family members … I ‘mask’ ALL the time. If I didn’t, I couldn’t exist. I do chores and live daily with physical pain no one else does - and no one even knows this. So isn’t a degree of masking / struggling required for all of us to get by, and where is the boundary between normal masking and pathological masking?

But after years of struggling with this I’m pretty clear that there are things I can live with and things I can’t - even if that makes me ‘disablist’ in the eyes of society.

I have this sense though that the way ND is talked about there is an expectation of total acceptance, understanding and no judgement, even if the traits come with great costs to others. I think the up-shot of that approach will be NT people blanket ruling out relationships with ND people.

My DH is not emotionally absent though, which is probably why we’re still together.

Not necessarily ableist, however, I think you are generalising.

Your masking is not the same as your husband masking. I say that, because your disabilities are different. You may understand a bit, as he can understand yours a bit but because you both have your own experiences, nobody can fully understand, except the person living it.

I'd love an NT person to just spend 1 day in my brain then come back to me telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing.

Just like I can't understand your physical disability, you don't know ours.

I think the problem is more as what people have suggested up thread. Gender bias means that women and men are brought up to behave in society differently. The men with ND conditions seem far less able to me and less emotionally able to deal with life and others than ND women are.

So if your husband is trying, that is good. Tell him to google pratical strategies on managing adhd and get the dubbi app on chores.

tiptoptoemaytoe · 02/01/2026 15:26

OP, I’m trained to diagnose ASD and AdHD and I unknowingly married an Autistic fucker with ADHD. The venom and bile that has been directed my way since our separation/divorce has shocked me to my very core. Some people are just grade A fuckers, neurodivergent or not but yes, their rigidity, lack of empathy, impulsivity can leave the rest of us depleted.

Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 15:37

chocciechocface · 02/01/2026 11:29

I suspect my DH is ADHD due to a basket of traits plus his father and one sibling definitely are ND, so genetics. But one of the traits is clutter - it’s the one trait that makes me totally crazy. This might sound ‘intolerant’ but I don’t care if he can’t help it. I know he can’t, but I expect him to understand he has a personal challenge that he needs to acknowledge and develop tools and systems - whatever - so his challenge isn’t traumatising to others around him. Chaos and clutter affects my mental health badly. It derails our family functioning. It increases my labour.

You are a step ahead of me, but I’ve told him if he doesn’t figure it out it’s marriage counselling heading for divorce. He knows I don’t ever make empty threats so that gave him a shock.

Personally, in your shoes, I’d give your DH a final warning that if he doesn’t create a task list he has to check and do everyday and stick to it (wash dishes , do his laundry, tidy his clutter in the lounge etc) with reminder alarms on his phone to check his list and cycle through it, then he’ll have to move out. And mean it.

My DH has adapted. I know by his sighing and sometimes visible strain that it’s very hard work for him, but that’s the burden life gave him. I sympathise because I have an invisible physical disability. Fortunately for him, he doesn’t have to share and live with the pain I feel, like I have to with his.

In the conversation I had with my DH I remember saying that if he lost the use of his legs, he wouldn’t expect me to spend the rest of my life physically carrying him around irrespective of how hard that would be for me. He would make all necessary possible adjustments. In my view, the same applies to invisible disabilities. I know not all can be addressed by adjustments, but I expect him to bloody well try very very hard.

I struggle though with the interpretation of ‘masking’. Am I asking him to mask? Is this like asking a person with one leg to compete in a race with able bodied people? Am I being disabilist?

Then I think, I’m NT, but I’m introverted, vegan, foreign, left of centre with right wing family members … I ‘mask’ ALL the time. If I didn’t, I couldn’t exist. I do chores and live daily with physical pain no one else does - and no one even knows this. So isn’t a degree of masking / struggling required for all of us to get by, and where is the boundary between normal masking and pathological masking?

But after years of struggling with this I’m pretty clear that there are things I can live with and things I can’t - even if that makes me ‘disablist’ in the eyes of society.

I have this sense though that the way ND is talked about there is an expectation of total acceptance, understanding and no judgement, even if the traits come with great costs to others. I think the up-shot of that approach will be NT people blanket ruling out relationships with ND people.

My DH is not emotionally absent though, which is probably why we’re still together.

I could have written your post myself and its interesting hearing your view when you are where i was a few years back, although at that point I didnt know it was autism.

I think your totally right, all the compromise is with the NT person.
I hate living in a mess , he likes it so we have to live with his mess or i tidy it,
I hate writing him lists, he likes it so i write a list or nothing gets done,
I hate having to tell him the obvious - take the laundry basket upstairs, but he doesn't know so if i don't tell him he wont do it.
Its all compromise and they are always MY compromises.
When we were married he would come in the house and walk straight past me and say hi to the kids. I never said anything and it created an atmosphere. When he moved back in, in June I told him he had to say hi and bye to me every time he came/went as its so rude not to. So he does now and its much better. But he said he didn't realise it was rude and that he was doing it. So now i'm supposed to tell him those basics as well. Where's the effort on his part? He knows what things mean a lot to me and he makes no effort at all to do them. I go in the office Thursdays for work so ask him to walk the dogs. Most times he hasn't and he has an excuse. Yet for him i mask ALL the time. Pretending its all OK for the kids, protecting him without his acknowledgement. Organising everything etc etc. I even changed my news year even plans so he could go see his girlfriend and he didn't say thanks until i told him he should

Your totally right, we are all masking to some degree. I was asking exh to meet me half way but he never made any effort. He stayed where he was and I made all the compromise. I do feel its pretty impossible for him to learn NT emotional intelligence though. He just doesn't get it. Even if he tried i just don't think he could.

At least your husband is trying from the sounds of it, even though he shows you its hard and then you feel guilty. Don't feel guilty, you have needs too.

And my exh has clearly struggled in the 4 years on his own, lost 2 jobs and moved back with me. But at no point has he ever acknowledged how hard it was on his own and that he messed it up. You would think that would make him realise just how much i do because he couldn't do it on his own, maybe some thanks but no. When i told him i was selling the house so he needed to look for a place now he had a job he said he wanted to move away to be with his girlfriend but because im sick he cant do that so he has to stay near because of my illness etc. I had to point out to him that I DIDNT ASK YOU TO MOVE BACK IN HERE, you asked me because you had no other option. YOU needed me so you should be kinder.

The more i write this down the more angry I get. Sorry to rant :) . You are very eloquent and I agree with you completely. It does sound like your trying to justify his behaviour all the time and make excuses. We all do it. The worst behaviour from my exh has come since we divorced. He was never such an obvious arsehole when we were married. You seem to have a better relationship than i do with exh when we were married. In the end his only contribution was money and I can do that myself. He has severe depression as well so he would sit around a lot doing nothing and the mood in the house was always tense. When he moved out i noticed no difference at all in work load and just a massive weight removed from his presence being gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 15:40

Isayitasitis · 02/01/2026 15:12

We are not all like that. Just because you know a few, doesn't mean it is a representation of us all. To say you would avoid ND people in any relationship form (is that just partners or friends as well?) Is the exact reason why I like to call out people making general assumptions about people with ND conditions.

To me it's no different than trying to label ethnicities together with generalisations, because you've met 3 bad eggs and think this is everyone ND.

I am none of those things you have described. There are many of us who are not. It sounds to me like personality. The two can be separated.

Show quote history

I think there's a lot of arsehole in there with exh too.
I have friends with ADHD and they are lovely but i couldn't cope with it in a partner. Partly because i have so much going on myself with health concerns and I couldn't cope with his unpredictability and rash decision making. I need stability.

As I said my kids are both ND and they are wonderful so i am not tarring all ND people with the same brush. As someone else said not all NT people are nice and neither are all ND selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bramble234 · 02/01/2026 15:44

tiptoptoemaytoe · 02/01/2026 15:26

OP, I’m trained to diagnose ASD and AdHD and I unknowingly married an Autistic fucker with ADHD. The venom and bile that has been directed my way since our separation/divorce has shocked me to my very core. Some people are just grade A fuckers, neurodivergent or not but yes, their rigidity, lack of empathy, impulsivity can leave the rest of us depleted.

Oh no poor you. My exh has turned into a complete wanker since divorce. I wouldn't have managed 20 years with him if he were that bad previously.

You sound strong :) Go you! You made me feel a tiny bit better :)😀

OP posts:
cupfinalchaos · 02/01/2026 16:09

I have had similar with my dad. He’s 13yrs older than my mum, and growing up I never recognised any autistic traits as I didn’t know what it was; that was just him. My mum said he was always quirky and unique. He’s now elderly and his traits seem more pronounced than ever. He doesn’t “get” non verbal clues from conversation.. if he’s talking about his special subject to someone and they’re clearly desperate to get away but still nodding, he’ll carry on. Never had friends. My mum is a giver and he’s a taker. It’s all about him, always. No malice, It’s as if he’s just not able to think about someone else. His grandson (my nephew) has very obvious autism (parents won’t test) and I’m sure it’s been inherited. Don’t be hard on yourself for not recognising your ex’s traits.. in my experience they get more profound with the passage of time.