Would you stay with a partner who loved you but no longer found you romantically attractive?

[Sadandundesirable]

Just that really. DP loves me, but somewhere after a couple of years I became more of a very dear, sibling-like partner who can provide comfort in times of stress and good company on walks. Our sex life dried up as did any romantic gestures. Date nights are just meals. There’s no effort to ignite a spark. DP has been blaming a series of stresses at work, however think it just boils down to not being seen as a romantically desirable. Not ugly - just the same way you wouldn’t fancy a sibling or parent.

Obviously there’s a lot of love - just no spark. DP says that’s it’s natural for it to go once you’re middle aged and it’s not a problem for them. I suppose I’m just looking for a sense check.

Edited to add- for context we’re both in our early forties, together for four years, divorced, no kids.

That depends. How old are you both? How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do you have joint children or are you financially linked? Do you get on and support each other ?

I am confused. Do you both feel like this?

How old are you both? Do you have kids?

If you both feel like this…. Then doesn’t seem too much of a problem. At the moment at least.

If one sided…. A problem

It’s quite sad, but if it’s mutual it can work.

Just added some extra info to my OP.

Both in early forties. Both divorced - both filed and left previous partners due to emotional abuse. Been together four years. Live in separate houses but in same town. No kids.

Op says quite clearly in her opening post she has no children.

@Sadandundesirable if you feel it's not working feel free to move on. Life is too short and maybe in the end you will be doing yourselves both favours in that he can move on as well as you.

Are you happy with this? Id move into my own room and convert the relationship emotionally to friends who share a house.

But beware there's a gap in your relationship. What happens if, down the line, one of you fills that vacancy with someone else? You might need to consider a financial conversion of your relationship too.

Then probably I would end it. Because you have the chance then to meet someone else who will love you wholeheartedly. Whilst you remain together that is much harder / impossible. You can stay friends if you both feel the same way. If you do not, ie you remain in love with him, I suggest no contact and move on.

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship anyway, I’d say time to move on.

No. It’s one-sided. I feel miserable about it all. But DP, I think, feels I’m either being unrealistic about expecting more (as I said, that this is just what happens in middle age) or putting too much importance on something quite shallow.

As I said, I feel the core issue is just that I’m not “doing it” for them anymore. If we did break up I’m sure they would get romantically attracted to someone new.

Only you can answer this OP because it depends what YOU are looking for and want out of a relationship, whether this is enough for you.

DP’s opinion is this is as good as it gets.

And that’d it’d be a shame to finish a relationship over something as trivial as sex - especially as all relationships end up this way once you hit middle age and dated a couple of years apparently.

But DP, I think, feels I’m either being unrealistic about expecting more

but you are middle aged and still find him attractive and want to have sex with him. So obviously not unrealistic.

Did you ever have a strong sexual partnership?

No. Once that settles in, it leaves a gap where desire and attraction can be let in. We never stop finding people attractive, whether we're happy or not. It just takes one spark where an unmet need is.

There's nothing wrong in staying friends and splitting up romantically.

No. After only 4 years then absolutely not.

If you’d been together 20+ years with kids involved then maybe the answer would be different but this is a short term relationship that’s already run its course imo.

Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t make you feel desired after such a short time.

Absolutely not. Especially early 40s and only together 4 years. My husband is 50 and I am 40 and we have been together 16 years. Yes we have periods where stresses and life mean we are more support than passionate but it cycles back around because we are each other's partners and we choose to love and be together and so when times are good that love and desire come back. I previously lived in a marriage where I wasn't desired and its soul destroying to feel liked but not loved or wanted. I'm sorry.

Best circumstances to split up then. He's not doing it for you not you him. You're still young in the romantic world.

You deserve someone who wants all of you and who doesn't ask for you to settle because he's got a bit lazy.

Yes, with my ex. We were together ten years and whilst sex became less frequent we still were up for it around once a month. But unfortunate cheated on me and gave the whole “love but not in love” speech (even though we were still having sex when I discovered it) so probably not the best example of someone who was right for me.

In your situation I would end it, you've only been together a few years. It would be different if you'd been together 20+ years, had kids, house, joint finances, got comfortable and the spark had gone.

If you are happy with more of a friendship though, then carry on as you are. With you having separate houses and nothing at all tying you to each other it's easy to end things whenever you want, especially if you decide you want a more romantic and/or sexual relationship.

Sorry just realised you may have meant with DP. Yes - first two years we were quite rampant. The DP got promoted and things went awry. I’ve even been told they need me to be more of a parental figure because of the extra stress/responsibility.

Thats not true for many couples... I have patients who are still sexually active in their 70's and 80's ...

Its only OK if you're both on the same page with this...

I missed that you live separately when I posted earlier.

As youre not happy, I think end it. There's just no point in staying in an unhappy relationship and you've no financial constraints to keep you there.

I'll be honest, it would take me some time to take my own very sensible advice. Try not to linger too long.