Would you stay with a partner who loved you but no longer found you romantically attractive?

[Sadandundesirable]

Just that really. DP loves me, but somewhere after a couple of years I became more of a very dear, sibling-like partner who can provide comfort in times of stress and good company on walks. Our sex life dried up as did any romantic gestures. Date nights are just meals. There’s no effort to ignite a spark. DP has been blaming a series of stresses at work, however think it just boils down to not being seen as a romantically desirable. Not ugly - just the same way you wouldn’t fancy a sibling or parent.

Obviously there’s a lot of love - just no spark. DP says that’s it’s natural for it to go once you’re middle aged and it’s not a problem for them. I suppose I’m just looking for a sense check.

Edited to add- for context we’re both in our early forties, together for four years, divorced, no kids.

I accidentally chose no, but very much meant yes!

I’d get rid OP. On first reading of your post I assumed you were maybe late 50s or something but then I read again and saw you’re early 40s. So less than a few years ago you were in your 30s. Not a spring chicken but 43 (or whatever you are) Isn’t 83.

He’s trying to normalise it but it’s really not the norm to go off sex in your early 40s after such little time together and no kids. I know people who’ve been together since their 20s and still at in their 40s and beyond.

And it’s actually quite strange that he said you need to be more like a parental figure. That would have sent me running!
At least he’s honest about that part though, it’s what a lot of men want (in addition to wanting sex on tap). but they don’t admit it although it shows in their actions.

Anyway even if it was normal as he is claiming, you’re not happy with that - so on that basis I’d end things and move on.

Maybe you’ll meet someone else, maybe not.
Either way, I think you’d be happier single than being in relationship with a man who wants to see you like you his mum. This will
slowly kill you emotionally.

And I’ve seen cases where men have claimed they’ve gone off someone due to age and they just want to live like friends etc, but then they’ve fallen head over heels in love with another woman!

It would depend on your own sex drive and your shared aims and values.

You deserve so much more from a relationship. You have no kids so a divorce would be fairly straightforward. You can remain friends but you shouldn't be starved of love and sex for the rest of your life.

A happy relationship involves needs being met for both of you. You aren't getting some needs met, so unless the romantic intimate side doesn't matter so much, staying in the relationship, means you will continue not getting those needs met.

It doesn't matter if every other couple live like this .. they're not in your relationship and you need to be happy.. but settle in your 40s.

I'd understand if he was 70 plus.

They’re not even married so they wouldn’t even have the hassle of a divorce. And they live in seperate houses too.

When you put everything together like that It sounds pointless in the context of wanting to have a relationship/life partner tbh.

He doesn’t see her romantically, wants her to be his mum, doesn’t live with her, no legal ties/obligations. Sounds more like a pair of friends!

God I’m mid 40s and more sexual than I’ve ever been, having more sex and more amazing sex. He is talking rubbish. People can have sex into old age. Don’t waste your life with this man.. you are missing out on pleasure and attraction.

I'm not sure if this matters or not but most PP are assuming the DP is a male. Are they? Not clear from OP as someone else pointed out. Hmmm...

I’m in the middle of a divorce because of this. We still like each other well enough but no spark, no sex, no real time spent together.

Life is short and you have literally no ties to this man. Imagine this in 20/30/40 years?? Nah.

Life is out there mate.

I don’t think this is normal. I’m late 40’s, together with my dp over 5 years ( no shared dc but dc from prev marriage). I can’t imagine us not having a romantic relationship and trust me between us we’ve had stressful times. Still the sex is regular, passionate and we show interest in each other in a romantic way. I wouldn’t settle for this friendship,
you are in - you will be settling and life is too short for compromises like this. Try and rekindle. Sit him down and talk properly as for me he’s making excuses. There is no action points from him. You both need to want to rekindle.

And 40’s is hardly “old age”!

I meant into their 70s/80s!

I thought you were going to say you'd been together for decades, not four years. If you aren't happy with the arrangement, then you absolutely need to move on. What anyone else would do is kind of irrelevant.

Hahaha yeah I would agree with that!

After only 4 years, in your early 40s and not even living together then I would say no, it is not supposed to be like this. Sorry OP, but you deserve better and you still have time to find someone you have a spark with. Don’t settle.

I wouldn’t. Unless, he is making your life truly amazing, sans sex.

OP, have him as a friend if you like, but why should you put yourself in a holding position for him?
I have absolutely no doubt that his libido will return, he will meet someone and you will be quickly disposed of.

You are mad if you settle for this.

Er, it really doesn’t. I’m a bit older than you and my last relationship lasted 9 years and we still fancied each other a lot. Current nearly a year and still Oh. My. God.

I'm 45 and dp is 50, we've been together 8 years and don't live with each other, I'm dtill attracted to him and him me and we still have sec each time we see each other!

Everyone is different but just because you are middle-aged-or-more doesn’t mean that side of things automatically goes!! My DP is now 70, we’ve been together years and even with menopause etc we generally still enjoy a very physically intimate relationship. Even during spells of illness, when it can fade for weeks/months, we still cuddle up and regularly kiss. We both completely accept at any point it may become difficult to continue that side due to ill health etc but know the relationship is deeply loving and will adapt.
Without it, do you still feel close? Cherished? Or does it feel like he sees you like a comfy old bit of the furniture?

I think that can happen after many decades sometimes but after 4 years… no that means there wasn’t much attraction to start with imo. You don’t live together and don’t have kids so why not just demote the relationship to best friends, continue to see each other but then if either of you want romance/sex you can seek it? A quick and amicable divorce isn’t expensive.

Your lives aren’t linked by property or children? If either of those were true I think there could be sense in carrying on but if not, that makes no sense to me
surely are you just friends? You can carry on to be friends and see other people romantically. I don’t think 4 years is that long and you’re both young enough to find someone else

Well no it’s not and no it doesn’t, necessarily.

Mumsnet is full of posts from people who have been married 20+ years and still fancy each other, can’t keep their hands of each other apparently.

DH and I have been together 11 years, we’re mid 40s. We do have one child. We are not in the above category of all over each other still blissfully romantically in love etc. I’ll be honest and say sometimes I feel a bit fed up with the lack of romance and at times the lack of sex, and I’ve worried about what it says about us. But it’s more like it comes and goes, not that it’s not there whatsoever. We both need the occasional kick up the bum to reconnect and remember ourselves as a couple and not just middle aged knackered parents.

We do love each other - romantically and otherwise. We hold hands, kiss etc. We still have sex - not as much as some maybe but at a frequency we’re both happy with, it comes and goes a bit and we’re both okay with that. This morning he was cuddling me in bed telling me how sexy I looked the night before - it didn’t go any further for various reasons which as I say we’re both okay with (and probably nobody else was in awe of my so called sexiness, but I believe my DH genuinely found me so!)

I wouldn’t settle for so little honestly, it would make me too sad. Maybe if you’d lived together for many years, or were in the middle of raising young kids and that was stopping you seeing each other romantically. But 4 years on and separate homes so effectively still ‘dating’ - what’s the point without a little romance and some good sex?

Does your DP use p@ rn ? Because that can a
cause these kinds of issues. He could make more of an effort

Absolutely - in fact I have. We became ‘just friends’ because they no longer saw me as a romantic partner and personally I didn’t want to share a house, the cooking, the cleaning up, entertaining, listening to woes, accompanying, advising and more for a ‘friend’. I wouldn’t want to do life with a female friend to this extent either, I’d rather be alone. Nor did I like knowing that they no longer found me physically attractive but clearly still enjoyed my company and personality.

I preferred when we did all of those partner things AND had an intimate relationship, where there was mutual attraction and ‘fancying’. I don’t agree all that goes in middle age - you’ve only got to look on the relationships board to see there are plenty of men and women unhappy with a lack of intimacy. Obviously it would have been different if it was due to illness but it was due to them no longer finding me attractive and that’s soul destroying.

I also wondered what would happen as we aged if we stayed together just as friends. It’s one thing wiping an elderly partner’s bum, or supporting each other as you both age, but wiping a friend’s bum - no thanks. So I ended the relationship. I miss their company and friendship a lot but am free to now do as I please and/or meet someone else who wants the same as me. We were both divorced with our own adult DCs and together about 8 years.