Would you stay with a partner who loved you but no longer found you romantically attractive?

[Sadandundesirable]

Just that really. DP loves me, but somewhere after a couple of years I became more of a very dear, sibling-like partner who can provide comfort in times of stress and good company on walks. Our sex life dried up as did any romantic gestures. Date nights are just meals. There’s no effort to ignite a spark. DP has been blaming a series of stresses at work, however think it just boils down to not being seen as a romantically desirable. Not ugly - just the same way you wouldn’t fancy a sibling or parent.

Obviously there’s a lot of love - just no spark. DP says that’s it’s natural for it to go once you’re middle aged and it’s not a problem for them. I suppose I’m just looking for a sense check.

Edited to add- for context we’re both in our early forties, together for four years, divorced, no kids.

In your early 40s? Absolutely not. Perhaps in my 70s I’d think it wasn’t worth the upheaval but early 40s? I’m 42 and still want a sex life - often and varied. If you’re both feeing that way then that’s one thing but if you’re not, there is no way I would sign up for this.

When you've been together a while sexual attraction for one another ebbs and flows but that's usually down to the stresses of family life.
4 years doesn't seem a long time for the spark to have gone and as a woman in her 50s I can assure you it isn't the norm when you get to middle age.
And sex is important, it's not trivial. It's bonding, connection and I personally wouldn't want to be without it x

Romantic love is an aberration, a madness, passion can lead to some dark places and some dreadful disasters. Love is companionship, laughing at the same things, doing things together, sharing joy and sorrow, supporting each other. Such love engenders desire rather than passion. Passion/being in love are poor guides to future happiness. Love is sure fire - passion may be 'love bombing' which is not commitment in any way. It's not love, either. If your lover is also your best friend - which is how it should be - then love is what you have.
Sounds like OP's DP is fed-up and tired, which suggests love was never there?

I cannot work out whether you are a man and your partner is a woman or vice versa, but I don't suppose it is very important.

No, I wouldn't stay in this relationship. You don't live together or have children together. You aren't married. I would let this person go. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where we lived apart and also never had sex or had any romantic feelings for each other. That really does sound more like being friends.

In early 40's and only 4 years in.
I don't think I'd be happy with this but it really lies with you.
If everything else is good you get on he treats you well maybe he has a low sex drive or isn't feeling himself.

He is talking nonsense. I thought you were going to say you were in your 70's not 40's. Does he wear a cardigan and slippers? Some couples counselling may help.

It is absolutely not 'normal' to lose interest in middle age, nor after a couple of years with someone. I think me and DH are fairly 'normal', are 20 years older than you and have been together a long time. Still very interested in each other in that way! Your DH either has an unrealistic perception of what marriage should be like or he knows full well it isn't normal but is trying to trick you into thinking it.

Lack of sex/desire & romance is a massive deal he is underplaying it -4 years and don't even live together and in 40s - it's over

Lack of sex/desire & romance is a massive deal he is underplaying it -4 years and don't even live together and in 40s - it's over

If you’re happy with this, fine, but I personally wouldn’t be.
You’ve only been together four years and said that after a couple of years things began to dry up. That’s a bit sad to me. Even if you’d been with him 25 years I might say it was more understandable, but after four years I really wouldn’t settle for this. And you’re only early forties…you still have so much of your life left and could meet someone who adores and worships and fancies the pants off you.

Sorry op This isn’t normal even people who have been married for years still have sex I think you need to decide if you accept this or you put your needs above his no spark can happen but most people either try to reignite if relationship is worth it or people walk away. Which do you want more?

I think its a massive generalisation to say this happens to everyone. For example we are together 28 years, married 25. Both have very stressful jobs and have 2 children(more stress!). However we both still very much flirt and enjoy time together just us, enjoying sex as much as ever. I don't think this is unusual?

There is nothing to stay in the relationship for. You aren’t living together and it’s making you miserable. There is just no point.

No. You've only been together 4 years.

There’s your answer then , it’s one sided , you feel miserable, you’re far too young to not have a fulfilling sex life .
That certainly is not what happens in a healthy relationship, 4 years in & you guys don’t even live together & in your early 40s .
You two are friends not partners .
He’s not the guy for you OP .

OH bugger that.

You're too young he's either impotent, addicted to porn or just wants a mummy. How icky.

Start dating. You're single!!

Why are you assuming it is a he? OP has deliberately avoided saying they have a male or female partner for some bizarre reason.

I’d expect the spark to be very much there after only 4 years. Especially if you live apart.

DH met when I was 39. We are still very attracted to each other and I’m early 50’s now. Find yourself a new partner this fella is just your mate.

He’s also talking out of his arse. You’re still young and can have a full relationship

And those who do rarely engage with their threads much. I'm assuming it's just feeling the way around new emotions.

Do you think sex is trivial? If not, he does not get to tell you that it is.

There's your answer - you're not happy with the way things are which makes this untenable. He can't help how he feels, so this is not a blame thing, but he's offering you crumbs, its up to you whether you settle for that or not. Personally, if I was in your shoes, I would walk away. You are only in your early 40s, that's a long time to feel miserable, not to mention the impact on your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. He doesn't get to tell you how you feel, or what is important to you in a relationship.

Early 40s - no I wouldn't settle. You might have another 50 years on this earth and that's a lot of years to be without an intimate connection. I couldn't do it.

Pardon my French, but he is talking utter shite!

You don’t sound happy in this relationship and he sounds firm in his opinions on the matter. You may agree with me on this but I know you know this isn’t just about sex which he is trying to convince you to believe!
I’d cut and run as this relationship is doomed (imho).

it is true that people grow apart and I feel that this has happened here.

life is too short to stay with the wrong partner who just does not match our own values on what makes a healthy and happy relationship.

You both deserve to be with the people who have similar interests and if sex is one of them then who is he to tell you otherwise….

@Sadandundesirable bloody hell op - you’re only in your 40’s!! Loads of people are having sex with their spouses/partners at that age and well beyond. If there’s no joy in this relationship then what’s the point? A relationship should make your life better, not make you miserable and feeling ugly. Don’t just accept this if it’s not making you happy. You’re not tied by a house or children, set yourself free!

I do but I have to stay until DC are 16. We are in a completely sexless marriage. It's soul destroying. If I could leave I would