Would you stay with a partner who loved you but no longer found you romantically attractive?

[Sadandundesirable]

Just that really. DP loves me, but somewhere after a couple of years I became more of a very dear, sibling-like partner who can provide comfort in times of stress and good company on walks. Our sex life dried up as did any romantic gestures. Date nights are just meals. There’s no effort to ignite a spark. DP has been blaming a series of stresses at work, however think it just boils down to not being seen as a romantically desirable. Not ugly - just the same way you wouldn’t fancy a sibling or parent.

Obviously there’s a lot of love - just no spark. DP says that’s it’s natural for it to go once you’re middle aged and it’s not a problem for them. I suppose I’m just looking for a sense check.

Edited to add- for context we’re both in our early forties, together for four years, divorced, no kids.

I think there’s a difference between long term couples who have a lifetime of shared history making a deep and abiding love, for whom sex may become secondary to other intimacy and your situation. After 4 years and so young if he wants you to be PA and mother I would definitely ditch it. You deserve much more than that from any relationship.

I'd say that this isn't good. Whilst when you've been with someone a while you may reduce sex gradually a bit after 10 years or so, I think majority of couples still fancy each other and want to have sex.

But the red flag is you've only been together 4 years and yo are both really young still! Should definitely still be having sex regularly (seeing as you haven't kids to get in the way!)

You don't live together, you don't have sex, your DP doesn't view you romantically anymore. No, it's not the way it has to be and you're too young to give up and settle for less. Fine if you want a platonic relationship where other aspects satisfy you but it sounds one sided. It's either therapy or part, IMO.

He’s your mate not your partner

I don't think that's usual in your forties. Plenty of years left for romance & hot sex.

You didn't get into this relationship just to be someone's friend OP and if he is pulling down the drawbridge on a romantic and sexual relationship for you when that's not what you want then it's time to let him go.

How do you know he's not having sex elsewhere but just wants to keep you locked down for his convenience?

DH and I have been together over 15 years and still at it like rabbits, we are mid 50s.
I don't always have a strong libido but if he said to me no more sex then I'd end it.
You deserve romance and sex and to feel desired OP.

You're far too young to play at being Bert and Ernie.

After four years? In your 40s? Gawd no. I mean, I’d give it some time and talking, but if your dp is happy enough like this, I’d say what’s keeping you together? I’ve got plenty of friends already.

My only query is that your previous relationship had hit a once a month kind of level of sex. Is that the right amount for you? Because it’s quite a specific level of sex drive, if so - once a month is still very low for many people, it’s only just above the ‘sexless’ level. That really might be hard to find. However, it still doesn’t mean you have to be with your dp. Might you be happier single?

Can you put up with this for the rest of your life? Your last post about him needing to be parented was enough for me to say give him the boot.
You have plenty of years left for a great sex life and romantic relationship

I'm late 40s and wouldn't consider a relationship with no sex! What's the point? Like you said, it's just companionship, and you're in your 40s, not your 90s.

Harsh but true, except he isn’t a mate, either

The cynic on me thinks …

Hes got you on his back burner until Little Miss Sexy turns his head and hes off.

I love you but I’m not in love with you.

He’s subtly laying the foundation stones. Chipping away at your esteem. Beware.

Only 4 years and no sexual attraction? No kids? Why have you not left already?

Being a "parental figure" is not what you signed up for. Who wants that in a romantic relationship?

I don't think it's usual or inevitable to just go off sex in middle age , especially if there's no children involved. Maybe it's enough for him but you need to think about what you want, if you're unhappy then finish it.

That's both unreasonable and ick for him to tell you you need to be a parental figure to him.

So basically he wants someone who will be a companion and also love and care for him like a parent would, but he's not arsed about your feelings or what you need from a relationship. Very entitled if you ask me!

I'd be binning him off and finding someone else to have rampant sex with.

Do you have fun? Do you do anything together that you love? What do you see your future as? What does he bring to you life? What are the downsides other than the lack of romance/ intimacy

A parental figure? You are not his mummy to help him cope with his stress in life! That would have made me finish it there and then. Come on OP, you can do much better than this, you are young and deserve someone who respects and fancies you. I would end it asap, you don't live together and and there's no kids to worry about so an easy split.

OP no, after 4 years and he is telling you this is as good as its gets, and he wants you to settle for that. Because HE is comfortable with it. It suits HIM. Please value yourself more, and you do doubt this so called relationship because you are placing this question on here, for others insight on it.

Is the fear of you ending up alone making you hold onto this set up?

You are in your early 40's that is so young. You may have at least further 40 years to live.

I don't think we can assume partner is a man since the OP is doing the gender neutral thing.

Either way, man, women, same sex, whatever. Just dump and go into the new year single. Life doesn't end in hour 40s

It does depend on age and if you are on the same page. Sound like me and my partner but we are in our sixties now.

Your partner wants you to be their parent after four years - that would be a hard no from me. You're only in your forties and presumably you didn't get together because you fancied having a grown up child.

I'd be starting 2026 as a single person if I was in your situation. Surely you know that you deserve better than this half life your DP is 'offering' you?

Split up before you start resenting each other op, you are both way too young to be room mates.

God, that’s an awful comment from him! I’d be out when he sad that.

You would basically be agreeing to be celibate to be mates with him if you stay. Leave him.