Would you stay with a partner who loved you but no longer found you romantically attractive?

[Sadandundesirable]

Just that really. DP loves me, but somewhere after a couple of years I became more of a very dear, sibling-like partner who can provide comfort in times of stress and good company on walks. Our sex life dried up as did any romantic gestures. Date nights are just meals. There’s no effort to ignite a spark. DP has been blaming a series of stresses at work, however think it just boils down to not being seen as a romantically desirable. Not ugly - just the same way you wouldn’t fancy a sibling or parent.

Obviously there’s a lot of love - just no spark. DP says that’s it’s natural for it to go once you’re middle aged and it’s not a problem for them. I suppose I’m just looking for a sense check.

Edited to add- for context we’re both in our early forties, together for four years, divorced, no kids.

@Sadandundesirable not a chance I’d give up my sex life in my 40s !
I wouldn’t listen to his gaslighting nonsense either.
end this you have loads more years of fun ahead .
Dont let him make you feel like this .

Yeah that’s exactly it, he’s gaslighting you OP. He knows most/many men his age still care about sex. I suspect he might even care about it himself - a different woman .

But he’s trying to normalise a sexless relationship where he demands you take on a more parental figure for his own convenience.

Then when he’s ready to move on he will say he’s not happy and begin the script, and suddenly the lack of romance will be raised as a problem and he will say it’s not normal and not what he wants, before he skips off into the sunset with a woman he can’t keep his hands off.

Well if YOU read the thread properly instead of the passive agressive comment you would have seen that it had been edited to add the fact there is no kids as per the OP where it quite clearly says "edited" and her post further down where she spells it out for you quite clearly by saying she edited to add more detail... Maybe before trying to call someone else out for not reading properly you could read it first so you don't make a fool of yourself.

This is a tough one. I voted yes although I'm in the same situation and would have said 'maybe'. I have been with my partner nearly ten years but since my menopause the sex has dried up. I was always the one who was oversexed (if that's even a word) and would demand sex several times a day at times. We had a fantastic sex life. I still love him. But like I would a brother. And I'm no longer interested in sex , not one iota! And yet, I'm happy! Go figure. The only thing bothers me is that I don't want him to go without if he still wants it. He does not seem bothered and has said so when I asked. However, I think if a younger attractive bird was to express an interest in him, he might be persuaded...

Reality is, there are a lot of people who are quite happy in their sexless marriages. We should normalise that or at least accept it. Just like we do with folks who have open marriages and for whom sex is very important. We are all not the same. And that's the great thing about being a human.

Yes of course some are happy in sexless relationships, but that’s clearly not one of those situations.

OP didn’t post - “we are two early 40s people in a sexless relationship and we are both happy with the lack of sex.”

What she has said is:

No. It’s one-sided. I feel miserable about it all.

It’s clear she deeply unhappy and dissatisfied about it. This isn’t a general commentary about all sexless relationships, it’s a specific discussion about this particular sexless relationship. So what that poster said is spot on.

i would leave. You’re in your 40s, you could find someone who wants you as much as you want them, and live a fulfilling happy life with them for another 40 years or more.

You only have one life, and you shouldn’t waste it on someone who isn’t in to you.

Well that simply isn’t true. You are far too young to give up on a sex life and romance, 40s is nothing. You haven’t even been together that long, th e way he is talking you would think it was decades. You would be happier moving on because he doesn’t seem willing to listen.

Yes, separate. It sounds like your lives are quite separate anyway. You can remain friends and go on walks if you want to. But being "platonic" so soon in a relationship is a bit unusual

If you're both women... this is an easy trap to fall into for some and I would suggest serious therapy and lovingly forcing your partner to confront the issue before giving up. Could be all sorts behind it in my experience (socialisation, intimacy/friendship, not enough separation, too much ease, past abuse)

It is so easy to just throw in our "judgement" as people from the internet who don't know you or your partner personally... My first thought was to leave something like that, but there are questions worth considering first.

Is the fact that your partner is "not finding you attractive" something he/she has said with words, or expressed, or is it something you just feel? It is important, because how you feel may not cover how your partner actually thinks and feels about you. For example - I have a married friend who is going through a rough patch with her husband, she basically thought the same as you, that the husband is not attracted to her any more as he avoids intimacy altogether. After 2-3 years it turned out the husband has ED and instead of communicating about it, he chose avoidance. Not saying it is the case for you or even remotely similar, just an example of what the thinking was, and how far that from reality ended up being.

By the sound of it, you would like this to change... Or would you be contempt continuing like this? It is important, because obviously it would be a compromise, but in that case could it ever burst and make you go resentful, overly frustrated or regretful? There is no point putting up with it and compromising your needs if it will result in having enough one day and feeling sorry for all the years wasted, pretending to be ok with it.

Don't want to sound judgemental, but I am not sure the way your partner reacts to the question is a fair one. Rather than acknowledging your feelings or you missing something, you are being lumped into "it is normal for people in our age". I don't know, it is normal for people in my age to start losing their hair, doesn't mean I would like it to happen, you know? :)

So, ask yourself the above question(s), and see where you are, you are way too young to be in an arrangement that does not fulfil your needs.. I know i don't speak for everyone, but me personally, I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. (Disclaimer: I am not saying your partner is "bad", at all. Can still be an amazing person, great to be around, etc )

If a woman sex drive can vanish in your 40s. That can be addressed too. But only if the will is there.

I have voted "yes" - if it's important to you, then you shouldn't waste your time if you're not satisfied and it's possible to leave (in your case it's not too difficult to unravel I think). This sums it up for me: "especially as all relationships end up this way once you hit middle age and dated a couple of years apparently." as things are hardly likely to get better with that defeatist attitude!

Yes people can be happy in their sexless relationships - or they are happy to put up with it as it's too difficult to leave - but I would think they are as rare as hens teeth. I have a friend who confided this when she was very drunk - it was downhill from the wedding day onwards - but she had never said she was unhappy to him that much - just went along with the excuses he came up with to avoid spoiling the other aspects of the relationship. They are approaching 60 now and the quote above has been said there as well apparently. I think she lives in hope that one day he will wake up and realise something is missing.

Your comments about your partner make me think you could be in another emotionally abusive relationship. Please leave.

You’ve only been together four years and they’ve told you they need to be ‘a parental figure’?!

You don’t live together, so there isn’t even the excuse of romance falling by the wayside because of domestic stuff like arguing about who takes the bins out.

Yes, I’d be ending the relationship. Middle age really doesn’t have to mean zero romance/sex.

The poster you quoted didn’t say everyone should be having sex.
More that OP is unhappy and it’s normal to still want a sex life. If people don’t want sex then they need to be with someone who feels the same.

Yes, I can read. I was merely pointing out my observations. I hope OP finds a solution to her dilemma.

Who pointed you as a moderator of this conversation? Yes of course the OP should do something about it. If she's only in her forties and no kids, what is she waiting for? She knows she needs to leave. Most people who post a question here already know that by the time they ask the Oracle that is the MUMSNET, that they want to take action and they know which way they want to go. I guess they are simply looking for a validation for their decision from a bunch of strangers whose opinion does not matter. Not sure why yet here we are.

Not true. Ive been with the same partner for 26 years, mid fifties, him early 60's still fancy each other, lots of kisses and cuddles, still have sex, not as often as when we were younger. You have to decide if you can live with what you have or try for something better.

Who is moderating?! You are the one going on about people just post here for validation.

You responded to a poster who effectively said Op shouldn’t stay if it makes her unhappy, by saying well some are happy in a sexless relationship.

And my counter- point was simply but THIS person (OP) is unhappy so that poster was spot on, while your comment was irrelevant and didn’t really make sense as a response to their comment within this particular discussion.

Thats how Mn as a forum works, people discuss and debate and express opinions. It’s not “moderation” because I disagree with you.

@Sadandundesirable I had a think about this and your dp wanting you to be “parental” is basically that he wants you around to take care of him. It’s convenient for him as he’s so busy with his job. Really selfish and this comment alone would make my vagina clamp shut! I mean who wants to parent their partner?

If you're not 'doing it' for him and he thinks that's quite normal then if you were expecting to resurrect your previous intimacy - I think you will be disappointed. Can't quite fathom why you don't live together but that's probably another story. There could be a whole other story if it's can't as opposed to doesn't want to. Is this a possibility?

Apologies if my comment is out of place I hadn't grasped the 'they' element and if you are 2 ladies, of course it's irrelevant but I can't edit or delete !t

> "Both divorced - both filed and left previous partners due to emotional abuse."

Emotional abuse can wreck your sex life and desire for intimacy long after. Some people become hypersexual, some withdraw completely. Fear around any form of connection can arise, because connection has become associated with abuse. Abusive relationships are often rollercoasters, warping your sense of what is genuine connection and affection and what is fake or just baiting to get into the next fight.

Read I Love You But I’m Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship By Andrew G. Marshall. Great book. If you can save your relationship this will show you how, and if not it will prepare you not to make the same mistakes again.