Your adult daughter is seeing a married man. What do you say/do if anything?

[FloraFeatherstone]

My daughter is 27. She has a very responsible job and her own home. She’s lovely, we have a good relationship and speak every day.

She moved departments back in June and met this man. He’s 47. He’s the same level as her work wise so not superior or anything

Anyway, I’ve found out she’s sleeping with him. Not tricky for me to work it out tbh, like I said, we are close, face time constantly and she’s been suffering with ‘mention-itis’for a while - which suddenly stopped! She also told me he fancied her and was making this clear etc etc

my daughter is single right now after a break up earlier in the year. This man is long term married with two teen children.

So I’m obviously disappointed and tbh I’m surprised at her. She’s a moral person and a real ‘girl’s girl’ so I’m shocked she’s doing this to this man’s oblivious wife - who she’s actually met quite a lot - he lives locally and they’re lift sharing so she’s obvs seeing his wife when its her turn to do the driving

I’ve spoken to her. Expressed my feelings, said all the usual, and I’ve gone in quite hard. Told her she’s on a hiding to nothing, it’ll cause all sorts of career issues potentially (although it is not against any work rules to do this) , her colleagues will ALL know (this is a given, they’ll think they’re being all discreet but we know how it goes) and I’ve stressed just how concerned I am about his wife and children. This is clearly not his first rodeo - and she’s clearly been very flattered by the attentions of what she sees as a sophisticated older man.

I however see him for what he is.

so, my question. What would you do? She’s shut me down completely and won’t discuss it - and yep, totally fair as she’s an adult.

But she loves her job, she’s on a great path at work, and I can’t bear to see her potentially make this very difficult for herself. And - again - his wife. Ugh.

it’s not my business I know. So … do I just say nothing further now?

The girl is 27, no life experience, not worrying about the wife, probably doesn't see her for who she is, too wrapped up with her exciting lover.
I agree with most that it's awful, but love is a powerful drug.....

This is not love. It’s having a shag and getting off on the secrecy and lies involved. There’s a type of person who does this and they tend to think they are superior to the rest of us.

She’s a grown woman and she can make decisions about who she is going to sleep with all by herself. It is probably a fleeting thing on the rebound for her after a bad breakup so someone older interested in her is aN ego boost. He’s the one married and it’s his responsibility to either stay faithful or stray, not yours and not hers. It’ll probably be all over soon with no harm done.
live had affairs with married men and when I was married. Their wives never found out, my husband didn’t find out, none of us felt the urge to confess and it was all fun and with an amicable ending. I’ve got another married man who is showing signs of interest now and that is my boss’s boss. It’s fun. He’s trapped in an arranged marriage, we may not sleep together, we may do. Fuck knows I need a bit of fun so I’m doing nothing to stop it 😂
OP just be her mother and be there if she needs it. But if you judge her or cut her off or choose some random woman who you don’t know over her because she is the “wronged party” then you will lose her.

@TheFunDog I know someone IRL who did this. She then got married herself and guess what happened…her husband cheated within the first year. Perhaps he thought that cheating was ok in her eyes?

I do fear that this is going to backfire horribly but the OP has said her piece and that’s all she can do.

@stclementine If you and your husband were fine with both of you having partners outside your marriage, that’s not a problem. It’s when people lie to each other and sneak around that’s horrible. Making a mug out of their spouse IYSWIM.

She's not a girl. She's a woman approaching 30 who has had at least one relationship and is in a career position of responsibility, so I don't buy she's a naive innocent flower. She's old enough to know better than to fuck a married man in her workplace.

She talks a good game about supporting other women but when push comes to shove, she meets her married BF's wife and mother of his kids without a care as to what her actions are costing that woman and her family. She might even have met the kids.

This isn't love. It's chasing a thrill, it's getting dopamine hits. This is toxic. It's about getting her kicks while hurting other people. This doesn't exist in a vacuum. It will likely hurt her career of it comes out and will definitely impact her working relationships with her colleagues.

So she had a relationship end badly. That's no excuse for harming another woman and her kids by assisting the cheating spouse in abusing his wife through an affair.

I'm sure OP is surprised and really disappointed at what these actions reveal about her daughter's judgement and character. She's done what she can, she said she went in hard on her daughter despite risking their close relationship.

Just hope it fizzles, I was similar to your DD my parents never judged. , From my perspective I enjoyed the relationship was super relieved the man had a wife and kids, as actually I could remain a bit of a free agent and had no qualms about meeting other men. I was heartbroken when it finished and sobbed like the world had ended, he was upset because I wasnt keen to put all my eggs in one basket. He sounds like a mister right now more than a mister right. He is still married, still tries to meet up now but ughh, he is now ancient, I'm now 49 and well he is almost 70.

His infidelity is not her problem, when it goes wrong tell her that and she can easily walk away.

Your point was very clear & correct!? You'renot responsible for other peoples lack of comprehension.

From being on the receiving end of an affair. What your daughter and the older man are doing is abhorrent.
It will cause pain and grief. For the wife and for their kids. Your daughter knows this and does it anyway.
I'm sorry but in my mind and the wifes mind when she finds out (we always find out). Your daughter and her illicit partner are low life scum bags. And I say this because they are putting their short lived enjoyment above the absolute heart tearing pain it will cause. And when you look at it like that. What type of person goes ahead and does it anyway.

You dont DO anything because that would completely destroy your relationship with her.
She's been taken for a ride and that's awful to see but you really just have to let it pan out so she can learn her own lesson.
Obviously if she ever talks to hou about it keep calmly stating that you think he's a bad person and she should not be in this situation. Obviously try abd not make her feel too judged and approach it from the angle that he is manipulating her. She is less likely to listen to advice if you are too judgemental.
Your daughter is your priority. This is awful for whoever that piece of shit is married to.. but your daughters safety and wellbeing is your priority. She stands to get very hurt here. She's not the first nor the last young woman to get taken in by an older married man who is on a position of power over her. She will need your support here as this will play out horribly.

The age gap is 🤢 how gross that your daughter in her 20s could do this to a woman in her 40s.

Why do you all blame the girl?? She's a free agent.. it's the man who is married... he's the one with the most to lose!!

@FloraFeatherstone Ask your DD to think past today. As these things go especially in a smaller town how would she feel if somehow everyone else knew that she was sleeping with a married man whose wife she also knows.

Her career for one, how other men may view her when it comes to her next relationship and not many women would want to be friends with her - a potential social pariah?

I blame both equally. She knows he is married. She even knows the wife. But is happy knowing the devastation there actions will cause because her short lived enjoyment is worth that suffering.

He is obviously guilty too. He promised to love and honour his wife but hasn't got the decency to end it with her before moving on.

When she finds out she will spend countless hours questioning her self worth. She will question everything about herself and how she allowed this to happen. She will find herself full to the brim with anger and hate and sadness and heartache. She will find herself suddenly thrust into the position of insecurity both in herself and her future. And this is just the first few hours.
These feelings will spiral until she gets hold of herself and slowly rebuilds. But regardless of the outcome for her marriage. Months, even years later she will still be knocked on her arse by it at random times. Barely day will go by without some thought disturbing the peace.
And this isn't to mention the kids and how their world will be broken.

This is the result of affairs. And both husband and the lady's daughter are complicit in inflicting this.

I unfortunately know this devastation first hand.

Well, for a start, she isn’t a very moral person, I’d say to her that her “moral compass” as it gets called, is buggered up and perhaps she’s shown her true colours.

I’d be telling her she’s no better than the person she’s sleeping with and hope she never complains if her future husband shags a colleague.

If she decided to do the MN no contact, I’d not chase.

I too would be so disappointed @FloraFeatherstoneif one of my dds were to have an affair with a married man in their workplace, knowing he was married, knowing he had children and had met his wife as lifts were shared.
As Jim Royale would say “Moral my ar*e”.

Dies she know you are disappointed in her actions ?
I wouldn’t want to hear anymore about him from her.
However as pps have said, she could become his 2nd wife.
It does happen from affairs - Charles and Camilla etc

You could point out to her that when these work based extra marital affairs blow up, its nearly always the woman whose career is blighted, seen as the trouble maker, needs to leave. Rarely the man who is just seen as a 'naughty boy'.

Aside from that maybe raise that she could be mistaken in assuming he must love her terribly to be 'risking it all for her' when he could just be taking advantage of whatever is being conveniently offered by a colleague. Just plant the seed with no judgement.
Otherwise just step back and don't discuss. We don't know the state of his marriage, maybe this affair is love who knows. It'll just run its course, one way or another. Humans and emotions are messy, nothing happens with tidy on/off switches, or in tidy, stop/start episodes.

This.

You should have asked him how his wife is 😂 made him panic a bit!

I also have a daughter and she has dated men in the past I thought were not right for her. I never told her what I thought and she did eventually split up with one obnoxious man. She is a grown up and it’s up to her who she dates but I think there won’t be a good outcome for this relationship. I think his wife might find out and that might cause him to choose.

You could also point out how convenient it is for him, that she has her own place.

I also know someone in real life who did this, they actually got married and a short while later he died.....

There’s a lot of judgement on here for @FloraFeatherstone’s daughter and it’s entirely understandable.
When this all goes south, and it will, the poor woman is going to have to deal with the heartbreak as well as the shame and self-judgement.

If it carries on much longer it’s going to cause deep emotional scars and potential knock-on effects into her subsequent relationship. Possibly eating into her childbearing years. Not to mention the impact on her career and professional standing. Every day she stays in the affair is a day when she could be out meeting the love of her life.

For these reasons, I’d find a way to blow the lid off the whole thing asap. Their colleagues already know. An anonymous message could have come from any of them.

Late to this @FloraFeatherstone but I'd not mention is again at all.
The fact you will refuse to engage with her on this says more than constantly criticising her.

Just be there with the tissues when it all goes wrong.