Your adult daughter is seeing a married man. What do you say/do if anything?

[FloraFeatherstone]

My daughter is 27. She has a very responsible job and her own home. She’s lovely, we have a good relationship and speak every day.

She moved departments back in June and met this man. He’s 47. He’s the same level as her work wise so not superior or anything

Anyway, I’ve found out she’s sleeping with him. Not tricky for me to work it out tbh, like I said, we are close, face time constantly and she’s been suffering with ‘mention-itis’for a while - which suddenly stopped! She also told me he fancied her and was making this clear etc etc

my daughter is single right now after a break up earlier in the year. This man is long term married with two teen children.

So I’m obviously disappointed and tbh I’m surprised at her. She’s a moral person and a real ‘girl’s girl’ so I’m shocked she’s doing this to this man’s oblivious wife - who she’s actually met quite a lot - he lives locally and they’re lift sharing so she’s obvs seeing his wife when its her turn to do the driving

I’ve spoken to her. Expressed my feelings, said all the usual, and I’ve gone in quite hard. Told her she’s on a hiding to nothing, it’ll cause all sorts of career issues potentially (although it is not against any work rules to do this) , her colleagues will ALL know (this is a given, they’ll think they’re being all discreet but we know how it goes) and I’ve stressed just how concerned I am about his wife and children. This is clearly not his first rodeo - and she’s clearly been very flattered by the attentions of what she sees as a sophisticated older man.

I however see him for what he is.

so, my question. What would you do? She’s shut me down completely and won’t discuss it - and yep, totally fair as she’s an adult.

But she loves her job, she’s on a great path at work, and I can’t bear to see her potentially make this very difficult for herself. And - again - his wife. Ugh.

it’s not my business I know. So … do I just say nothing further now?

Do not do this OP.

Say and do nothing. If she approaches you to discuss it, be very, very cautious. Ultimately, it's nobody's business except those directly involved.

Thanks all. Your advice has cemented in what I was feeling and I’ll do what the majority have advised, hard though it is

I’ll bow out now and hide the thread before I get too many more loons popping up who add nothing of use but mental suggestions

thanks again?

As you’ve already said something to her you can’t do much else apart from let it run its course.

It’s going to end in tears and she might need therapy to understand how she got herself into that situation. She’ll definitely need to talk with you. She’s not the first and she won’t be the last to tread this path

And be aware, OP, that it is possible that he will leave his wife and move in with/marry your daughter. This does and can happen, even though everyone is assuming it will all end in tears. So, just in case he becomes your SIL, you need to keep everything calm and non-judgmental.

You mean because all my sympathy is with the man's wife?
Your dd is an adult and has chosen to.behave the way she has. She doesn't deserve any sympathy.
And I really am perplexed as to the point of the thread.

Well I can imagine, as there is 12 years between my DH and I.

Admittedly we were both single when we got together and he did not have any children, so it is a very different situation to an affair. BUT my mother was fairly open about her views about the age gap and described him similarly as a creep.

We’ve been together 18 years, married for 8, we have 2 children, a home and a life. A lot of love. I’m now in my mid forties.

I haven’t really forgotten what my mum said.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to have those feelings about this situation and it’s a silly situation for your DD to have got into, but you might be wrong about him and his relationship to your DD. Probably not, but you might.

Nasty. Does it make you feel better @Makemeanonymous to blame the OP for her adult DD's actions?

She obviously isn’t going to listen to you @FloraFeatherstone but maybe you can get her to at least think about how she will manage any fall-out at work. Probably just as well that he isn’t more senior than her but when it comes out (and it inevitably will), it’s usually the woman who comes off worst and she needs to prepare herself for this. Maybe even start looking for another job now. She needs to think about whether the flattery from him now is worth her job and/or her reputation.

Hopefully she sees the light soon.

Of course I would still love her as a daughter but I would certainly withdraw from the close side of the relationship whilst she is behaving like this

So you wouldn't love her like a daughter

Thankfully the OP does love her daughter as a parent should.

IMO anyone who says they’d cut off their child over this is either lying and virtue signalling, or alternatively they didn’t have that close a relationship with their child in the first place.

I think it’s absolutely possible to be disappointed in someone and to think that they were better than that, but the reality is that millions of women have relationships with married men. Is it a good or wise thing to do? No absolutely not. Does it make someone an abhorrent person? No it doesn’t. The behaviour is, but one behaviour doesn’t make someone all good or all bad.

Personally if it was me and if we were as close as you say you and your DD are, I would invite them round and then I would have a word with him along the lines of “I know your game pal and I know your type. And don’t lets pretend that “this is different” because there are a million like you out there, cheating on their wives.”

And I would also give it to her straight, “you need to think about what you’re getting into here. Do you want the reputation as a homewrecker, as the other woman? Because even if this is love and the real thing, that’s still the reputation you’re building for yourself. Don’t think people are going to see this differently because they’re not. If he has children they will hate you, his parents may never accept you into their family, the ex could make it difficult for him to have a relationship with his children which may lead to his resenting you. Is that where you see your future? Because even if this is just innocent sex to you, even if you don’t end up together after all this, this is still the reputation you’re building for yourself.”

Nothing more

No, there is nothing you can say to her op. The fact that she is regularly in contact with his wife makes it all the more….grim?
I would ask what on earth happened with this break up to make her so flattered by the attentions of a married man? I mean….he is, by definition, a liar, happy to deceive those he claims to love, happy to cheat and lie? For me at least, it is not very flattering to be pursued by a man of such weak character, I prefer a man with backbone!
All you can do is be there for her, because if she is the person you think, she is eventually going to understand how far off track she’s gone. And that will be an awful realisation.

You said it already, now she has to make her own mistakes. I would try to be quiet and be ready to pick up the pieces later. She's lucky to have a mother to talk to her about life, and who can accept her even when she's making mistakes.
Perhaps you can ask questions to help her figure out things, like "in this specific situation, do you think he's taking in consideration his feelings or his kids' feelings?" Or "have you seen him putting other people's feelings first? ". Obviously, don't overdo it. Hopefully she will soon figure things out.

You’ve e said your piece you need to leave it there

the only thing is she’s a 27 year old woman making her own informed choices yet you seem to be very blarzay about your daughters role in this setup and this and think it’s more or less all down to him
so now I think it’s a case of shut up and step back
but when it all explodes she need to be told I told you so not that it was all down to him

She’s not the ‘twat’ here.

That’s worlds apart from OPs situation. Half the age gap and importantly, you were both single.

I reluctantly have to agree with the majority of posters who are saying you have said your piece and can’t do any more.
My DD will always be my DD, ‘warts and all’, but I would struggle to think she was so blasé to be able to look her affair partner’s wife in the eye. I would still love her and want to protect her.
Your DD is of course not the one cheating on a partner, but unfortunately there is still an inherent element of sexism that might lead to her being blamed more than him.
I hope she comes to her senses soon. This situation is unfair on her, but even more so for the poor woman who is likely unaware that she is married to a cheat.

Did your DD get cheated on herself OP?

it might be worth suggesting she has therapy if so, as this could just be a revenge situation - “two can play that game” - or “nice guys finish last, I’m giving up trying”. Both suggest ongoing pain from
the demise of the previous relationship.

About 10 years ago I got involved with a married man, nothing my mum (or anyone) said would have deterred me at the time. She's got to learn the hard way, I'm afraid.

I know, it is different - but just a reflection on why it’s so important to be careful what you say to adult children