Your adult daughter is seeing a married man. What do you say/do if anything?

[FloraFeatherstone]

My daughter is 27. She has a very responsible job and her own home. She’s lovely, we have a good relationship and speak every day.

She moved departments back in June and met this man. He’s 47. He’s the same level as her work wise so not superior or anything

Anyway, I’ve found out she’s sleeping with him. Not tricky for me to work it out tbh, like I said, we are close, face time constantly and she’s been suffering with ‘mention-itis’for a while - which suddenly stopped! She also told me he fancied her and was making this clear etc etc

my daughter is single right now after a break up earlier in the year. This man is long term married with two teen children.

So I’m obviously disappointed and tbh I’m surprised at her. She’s a moral person and a real ‘girl’s girl’ so I’m shocked she’s doing this to this man’s oblivious wife - who she’s actually met quite a lot - he lives locally and they’re lift sharing so she’s obvs seeing his wife when its her turn to do the driving

I’ve spoken to her. Expressed my feelings, said all the usual, and I’ve gone in quite hard. Told her she’s on a hiding to nothing, it’ll cause all sorts of career issues potentially (although it is not against any work rules to do this) , her colleagues will ALL know (this is a given, they’ll think they’re being all discreet but we know how it goes) and I’ve stressed just how concerned I am about his wife and children. This is clearly not his first rodeo - and she’s clearly been very flattered by the attentions of what she sees as a sophisticated older man.

I however see him for what he is.

so, my question. What would you do? She’s shut me down completely and won’t discuss it - and yep, totally fair as she’s an adult.

But she loves her job, she’s on a great path at work, and I can’t bear to see her potentially make this very difficult for herself. And - again - his wife. Ugh.

it’s not my business I know. So … do I just say nothing further now?

yes . you have said your piece.What else can you.do realistically anyway ?

@flapjackfairy you’re right. I know this. I’m just kind of disappointed I suppose

I think you have said your piece so now leave it.

All adults make mistakes of various kinds, and all adults will need to learn from them. Frustrating but there we are.

It might be painful in the end, so just be there for that as her mum and for goodness sake never say "I told you so" or she will never confide in you again.

You're her mum, not a village gossip woman.

Urgh

Not a lot you can do sadly, without completely ruining your relationship with your daughter. I'd be very disappointed too. You've said your feelings at least.

I think you've done all you can do, you've said your piece.

For you its like watching.a car crash in slow motion, but I don't think she'll learn until she learns the hard way.

You can’t really get involved further than you already have. This man is using her. She will wake up, eventually. It’ll probably have a big fall out when things fall apart. Hopefully, she will find someone else her own age and single.

I wouldn’t ruin my relationship with her whatever I said tbh. I’ve never tip toed round her in the past and I’ve not done it this time either.

she knows that anything I’ve ever advised her is with her best interests at heart and I’m truly the one person who is there regardless. Like I said, the relationship we have is very good.

I met him once when I picked them both up after a long night shift they’d both been on. All that went through my head was ‘ yeah I see you pal! I know your game.’

All she’s seeing is ‘ooh! Exciting older experienced good looking man!’

I dont blame you for that. I would be the same if it was my daughter .
Hopefully she will come to her senses soon and you will be able to help her pick up the pieces.

Tbh this would totally change my perception of her. I would think much less of her.

Of course I would still love her as a daughter but I would certainly withdraw from the close side of the relationship whilst she is behaving like this.

The fact she meets his wife knowing she is having sex with her H is actually really abhorrent behaviour.

I would be telling my daughter to get on with her life and I would be there for her when she ended the relationship with this man but whilst she is behaving so appallingly to another woman I really wouldn't want to see her or have much contact with her.

I mean, he’s my generation. I’m embarrassed for him tbh

but yes. OK. I’ll not say another word. There’s no point me going on and on about it

You've made your feelings perfectly clear, so not much else to do except be there for her when it all goes wrong.
She's 27 not 18/19 so isn't a silly infatuated teenager, she knows what she's doing and will have to take the consequences of her actions.

@Makemeanonymous I don’t feel like that tbh. I don’t even think any less of her really. She’s doing what countless people do every single day and I know she’s had her head turned here after what as an upsetting break up for her

BUT I am disappointed in what she’s doing. That’s a given.

@ChasbutnotDave yes she’s not a teenager or very young adult. And she’s usually super sensible etc etc

I’d be so disappointed if my DD did this. Like you, I’d make it crystal clear that I thought what she was doing was totally wrong. But, what else can you do? She’s an adult, even if she’s acting like an arse……
I would tell her you disapprove and do not want to hear another word about this slime ball. Then be there for her when the wife finds out, he drops her like a sack of shit, it all goes tits up and she gets labelled as a marriage wrecking tart at her work (unfairly, but she absolutely will).

There was a post a few weeks ago by a woman wondering if her husband who was lift sharing with a (much younger) colleague was having an affair with her. I think the wife may not be oblivious for much longer so this will likely implode soon enough, and your daughter will realize the painful (for all concerned) consequences of getting involved with married men..

Either this is going the way you expect (and we all expect) and you just need to be there when she’s heartbroken. Or she’s the second wife and you’ll wish you hadn’t said anything.

I think that you were right to express your concern about how she’s treating other people by going along with this, but if you slag him off and they do end up together forever you’re driving a huge permanent wedge between your daughter and yourself.

@Lineofdutytoofar I’d rather it didn’t get to that stage and I suppose that’s where I’m at now.

is there something else I can say to make her actually hear me properly and ‘wake up?’

I want to metaphorically shake her so she goes ‘ oh god yes! What am I doing?!!’

I know this is off the back of her own break up earlier in the year and know she will be extremely flattered by his attentions.

But it is your business you brought her up. You should either tell him your going to tell his wife or he tells his wife. Then we will see how close you and your daughter really are, she obviously doesn’t value your opinion

I would let her learn her lessons and be there to support her when it goes tits up.

She's not the first and won't be the last.

@LostittoBostik can you even imagine?!

I’ve not slagged him off. Well, perhaps a little, if ‘ he’s an old sleaze, sniffing round a young pretty woman who’s 20 years his junior and you can bet your life I can spot his type a mile off!!’ counts as slagging him off?

I won’t ever regret saying anything tbh. She will wake up to this - I know her - but I need her to wake up before more damage is done

@Freeme31 ha ha. I’ll have to disregard that piece of advice I’m afraid

She’s a moral person

She very obviously isn't. He might be the one who is breaking his wedding vows but I think your DD jumping into bed with him knowing full well he is a married man is not the act of a moral person.

this man’s oblivious wife - who she’s actually met quite a lot - he lives locally and they’re lift sharing so she’s obvs seeing his wife when its her turn to do the driving
What kind of woman is your dd if she can actually look this woman in the eye and play act being a decent person?

I think the fact you don't think less of her and are actually defending her behaviour says a lot about you. Perhaps the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

@gamerchick this nails it succinctly I think. You’re right. I’ll say nothing more

He will damage her. I would protect her by telling his wife.

@Makemeanonymous perhaps it hasnt?! I’ll live with that one.