Your adult daughter is seeing a married man. What do you say/do if anything?

[FloraFeatherstone]

My daughter is 27. She has a very responsible job and her own home. She’s lovely, we have a good relationship and speak every day.

She moved departments back in June and met this man. He’s 47. He’s the same level as her work wise so not superior or anything

Anyway, I’ve found out she’s sleeping with him. Not tricky for me to work it out tbh, like I said, we are close, face time constantly and she’s been suffering with ‘mention-itis’for a while - which suddenly stopped! She also told me he fancied her and was making this clear etc etc

my daughter is single right now after a break up earlier in the year. This man is long term married with two teen children.

So I’m obviously disappointed and tbh I’m surprised at her. She’s a moral person and a real ‘girl’s girl’ so I’m shocked she’s doing this to this man’s oblivious wife - who she’s actually met quite a lot - he lives locally and they’re lift sharing so she’s obvs seeing his wife when its her turn to do the driving

I’ve spoken to her. Expressed my feelings, said all the usual, and I’ve gone in quite hard. Told her she’s on a hiding to nothing, it’ll cause all sorts of career issues potentially (although it is not against any work rules to do this) , her colleagues will ALL know (this is a given, they’ll think they’re being all discreet but we know how it goes) and I’ve stressed just how concerned I am about his wife and children. This is clearly not his first rodeo - and she’s clearly been very flattered by the attentions of what she sees as a sophisticated older man.

I however see him for what he is.

so, my question. What would you do? She’s shut me down completely and won’t discuss it - and yep, totally fair as she’s an adult.

But she loves her job, she’s on a great path at work, and I can’t bear to see her potentially make this very difficult for herself. And - again - his wife. Ugh.

it’s not my business I know. So … do I just say nothing further now?

I wouldn’t do anything else. You’ve said your piece, and rightly so, but you cannot force her to stop this. Hopefully she will come to her senses soon.

Just be there to pick up the pieces and don’t say I told you so.

Yep, there isn't anything you can do. You've made your feelings plain and she's going to do what she's going to do, it will be her lesson and medicine to take. Its ok for you to be there for her when it goes wrong.

Just never normalise it. Don't talk about it as if he's her boyfriend. Everyone makes mistakes but don't insist she's a moral person in this context. To yourself or to her.

I’d ask her how seriously she’s considered polyamory as a lifestyle choice. I’d want to know why Cheat and Liar appear so highly in her list of must haves when it comes to a romantic partner. Then I’d wonder aloud what I must have done to instil such low self esteem in her that she’d be so grateful for the scraps she’s receiving.

Sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

Whenever I've done anything my mum disapproves of (nothing like your daughter, but for example going on skinny jabs), she says her piece and then we agree not to talk about it. The understanding is always that I can bring it up with her whenever I want, but should expect her blunt opinion if I do. It's understood that if I need help with the situation, she will always help me, but it will be in a "tough love" form. If I don't want that, I shouldn't bring it up and she won't ask. I would never dream of asking her to tiptoe round or support anything she thought was dangerous or unethical. Maybe this would work in the situation you find yourself in?

Agree here. I couldn't condone or ignore it.
I'd wonder where I went wrong because I didn't bring my kids up to have such low morals or disrespect for others.

I'd probably creatively tell his wife. If he ends up leaving his wife for her then he would never be welcome in my home given his morals. I assume she doesn't realise the consequences of aong term relationship with someone old enough to be her father... She'd have to get used to being a carer for the geriatric partner while she's still young she also may never have kids although as he's proven himself to be selfish he probably would breed again at 50..

It would be a hard one but I'm very black and white on cheating and don't believe there is ever any excuse regardless if you're the cheater or the one they're cheating with. It's absolutely disgusting behaviour and I have zero respect for anyone engaging in it regardless who they are.

I’d be concerned about her career.
She’s the female so she’s going to be much worse off than him when this gets out. Her colleagues will be calling her all sorts.

Not much more you can do except be there to help her to pick up the pieces when the breakage eventually happens Perhaps never agree to meet him or have him over to your house as a guest / treat him as her boyfriend. Best case scenario being she gets fed up and it fizzles out.

I don’t know…..one option is to encourage her to invite him round? I highly doubt he’d have the balls to come, but if he did? I’d have him by said balls in the downstairs loo and, very quietly, ask him what the actual fuck he thought he was doing? Possibly not the best plan but I despise men like this.

You sound very level headed but at this point there’s not much you can do. A close friends daughter was in a relationship with a much older, unsuitable guy and she and her husband played a blinder. Basically did not try to lecture, break them up and reckoned it was best to keep an eye on things and keep their daughter close. Eventually she tired of the guy. Your daughter is probably infatuated, the sex is probably good/ great ( sorry) if only because he’s with a new, much younger partner and is highly enthusiastic. But that won’t last forever and she’ll discover the serious downsides of bring the “ other woman” soon enough.

I certainly haven't participated in or colluded with spousal abuse and that's what infidelity and having affairs with married people boils down to in the vast majority of cases. I have no problem saying what the daughter is doing here is very wrong and hypocritical.

Many people are morally grey. They'll do something they consider wrong if they think they can get away with it or they get enough of an ego boost from it. Yet they still consider themselves "good" human beings when they're just run of the mill opportunists like many others. OP's daughter falls into that category. She claims to be a girl's girl yet is helping her affair partner abuse his spouse sexually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Her actions here cause suffering. OP has tried to talk her put of this, to her credit.

This is what I think too. I also despise women who have affairs with married men especially when they have children. How low can you go?

Every day this carries on, more pain will be inflicted on both the women involved.
What your daughter is doing is horrible but it is, sadly, a very human mistake.

Is there anyway of getting an anonymous message to the man? Along the lines of “your wife will find out if this doesn’t end now”? Or even just making it known that it’s public / workplace knowledge?

He’d drop her like a hot brick. We all know he’ll dump her anyway. Better to hasten the inevitable and save some of your daughter’s sanity?

I'd have my say with "no holds barred", including that I am absolutely disappointed in her lack of morals, then I'd tell her I won't be saying anything else about it, she's old enough to think it through abs make the right decision.

I would be speaking to your daughter and saying he’s using her. If he a decent man he would not cheat. If he’s willing to cheat on his wife and children he’ll one day cheat on her. Your daughter is aware he’s married so needs to step aside and keep dignified. Poor wife and children. Their lives are being torn apart and at financial risk (life as a single parent is financially pressurised, not to mention the impact on mental health. I would make it clear to my daughter i love her but do not approve and she must do the right thing and end the relationship and block him. If comes into contact at work keep things civil but nothing more.

I agree with PP’s that you’ve said your piece and that’s all you can do.

Although if she does mention him again, you might raise the point that @ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey made - she’s going to be viewed badly by other people when it all comes out. Being known as a homewrecker won’t be pleasant, not to mention what it might do to her career. 😕

I would not interfere. If you were my dm I’d tell you nothing ever again about my relationships. Yes it’s a mistake, one countless people have made. Your interference won’t stop him. If she has to change jobs, so be it. But let her make her own mistakes and learn. You are massively invading her privacy.

@Moussell How is she interfering? They’re close and her Mum’s warned her what the outcome of this relationship is likely to be. She’s now said her piece and that’s it.

I know that families are different though and some don’t discuss relationships much, while others do. Mine tends to, my late Mum told me what she thought about my DH!

You really need to stop putting her on a pedestal. She's not a perfect child anymore. She's an adult. Pampered kids always end up rebelling and here's her rebellion.

British Mums are so different to Irish Mammies. My mum would kill me and I'd never see him again 🤣 be firmer!

I did the exact same. Older guy, too. My mum hated the whole scenario. As did my friends. Luckily, I came to my senses… From my experience, your daughter will regret this, once it’s over. Hopefully she will dump him, and not break up his marriage. It’s the one thing I wish I could erase from my past…

I really admire you confronting your daughter.
My ex wife was sleeping with her friends partner. They both worked together at the same school. She had known the friend for years although they were not close but she did occasionally see her at social occasions.

We split and the affair continued. She invited this couple to the house for a party. Her despicable parents never once stepped in and said anything to there daughter. And I'll never forgive them. Especially as my daughter there own grandchild was in the house when this couple arrived.
You have said your piece op and I admire you. But I understand your now in a difficult position and you probably need to step back.

OP when I was going through all of the comments, I know you likely wonder how she got into this situation. After doing a bit of research on their ages, it made a lot more sense. The married male is part of the Gen X crowd, which focuses on pragmatism. Career, raising a family, following a specific path that they were taught from their boomer parents. He's likely in a mid-life crisis situation and enjoys the extra attention he's getting having children who are teenagers. Your daughter, being part of the Gen Z crowd, grew up in the social media age, that knows no boundaries, everything is fluid, labels are not something that they always adhere to. If the affair is found out through her work, yes she'll be labeled a pariah and it will not end well. The same will be if she ever moves on from him and tries to date again - likely few men would be able to trust her if she's willing to cheat with a married man if she's honest to any future relationship, so yes she's unfortunately setting herself up for a path which will be road to navigate.. Just be there when it ends, as it will because he's likely just again enjoying the attention, as it's very rare affair partners actually marry. I don't believe anyone here envies your position, but there's a reason everything happens and hopefully this will end swiftly for everyone involved.

Don't think I'd be able to hide my utter disgust tbh. I'm a similar age to her and there's just no excuse. Revolting behaviour and I hope they both get their dues.