Your adult daughter is seeing a married man. What do you say/do if anything?

[FloraFeatherstone]

My daughter is 27. She has a very responsible job and her own home. She’s lovely, we have a good relationship and speak every day.

She moved departments back in June and met this man. He’s 47. He’s the same level as her work wise so not superior or anything

Anyway, I’ve found out she’s sleeping with him. Not tricky for me to work it out tbh, like I said, we are close, face time constantly and she’s been suffering with ‘mention-itis’for a while - which suddenly stopped! She also told me he fancied her and was making this clear etc etc

my daughter is single right now after a break up earlier in the year. This man is long term married with two teen children.

So I’m obviously disappointed and tbh I’m surprised at her. She’s a moral person and a real ‘girl’s girl’ so I’m shocked she’s doing this to this man’s oblivious wife - who she’s actually met quite a lot - he lives locally and they’re lift sharing so she’s obvs seeing his wife when its her turn to do the driving

I’ve spoken to her. Expressed my feelings, said all the usual, and I’ve gone in quite hard. Told her she’s on a hiding to nothing, it’ll cause all sorts of career issues potentially (although it is not against any work rules to do this) , her colleagues will ALL know (this is a given, they’ll think they’re being all discreet but we know how it goes) and I’ve stressed just how concerned I am about his wife and children. This is clearly not his first rodeo - and she’s clearly been very flattered by the attentions of what she sees as a sophisticated older man.

I however see him for what he is.

so, my question. What would you do? She’s shut me down completely and won’t discuss it - and yep, totally fair as she’s an adult.

But she loves her job, she’s on a great path at work, and I can’t bear to see her potentially make this very difficult for herself. And - again - his wife. Ugh.

it’s not my business I know. So … do I just say nothing further now?

How did it end @hot2trotter ?

Your daughter has it in her to be amoral and two faced when it suits her. That she is fine being around her married affair partner's wife, that's disgusting.

It's liable to end very badly and what she's doing is hurting the wife of her scumbag affair partner. I would not be ok if one of my kids did this and I would take a break from seeing them and try to figure out where I went wrong that they would do something so hurtful and nasty.

I agree with @hot2trotter. I was also involved with an attached man, similar age/ age difference to OPs daughter, nothing anyone said would have made any difference.

Nothing more to say or do, just be ready to pick up the pieces. I would refrain from asking her anything about him at all.

I have a friend who was in a long term relationship with a married man. She knew I was quite disapproving, but we never ever discussed it, and then it ended in tears and I scooped her up until her heart mended a bit.

It won't be as exciting when the wife finds out, he will be revieled as a sad old man who is texting her while he is sitting shitting in his bathroom. She will learn a valuable lesson.

Oh no, just don’t let it ruin her career…. Like you not sure it will end well.

Im so glad you're not my mother!!
Please tell me you don't have children??

I would say OP to do all you can to help her improve her self esteem. That way hopefully she won't need someone's else's husband to help prop it up and wonder what on earth she was thinking.

Awful imagery, but sadly true 🤮

If you've never had an affair you won't know how bloody exciting it can be!!!
Obviously there's often one hell of a downside but also it could turn into a forever relationship.....

If OP had said this quite deadpan in the first place (ideally followed by ‘anyway do you want another cup of tea’) it might have done the trick 🤣

Exciting?

I see affairs as a form of domestic abuse. How can colluding with someone abusing their spouse be exciting?

It wouldn’t be your fault if your child did do something you disagreed with.

Parents are not responsible for the decisions of their adult children - who are usually living in a world they have very little understanding of.

go easier on yourself

There’s nothing moral or being a girl’s girl about your daughter.

He’s married with two teens and your daughter even has the nerve to meet his wife when she picks him up.

You don’t know your daughter very well or like a lot of parents you are very blind to her true character traits.

And don’t use the excuse of her relationship breakup earlier this year. It’s not an excuse, she knows exactly what she’s doing, and she deserves to get her fingers very burned.

@TheFunDogIf lying and cheating to make yourself feel good at the expense of other people is your idea of excitement maybe you need to find different hobbies

Gosh, I'd be terribly disappointed in my daughter too.

I think you were right to be very clear with her about how wrong her actions are.

I also think everyone is right that you've said your piece and there's nothing more you can do, other than be sure that she can turn to you when it all goes tits up.

We understand affairs so much more now as the abusive behaviours they are. We understand trauma, anxiety and PTSD and how infidelity often damages the very being of the betrayed, their mental health is affected for 2-5 years at a minimum. We understand the right to personal agency and the right to make decisions with full understanding of your life (removed during an affair). We’re also growing to understand the importance of informed sexual consent and how affairs remove that right from the betrayed partner and how abusive that action is.

If I had him or her in front of me I would be explaining this. It may/may not make them think again but I couldn’t in all good conscience not explain affairs as abusive and why.

I too would be so, so disappointed if my daughter did this. We have definitely all made mistakes and I look back on a lot of my behaviour in my early twenties with a big cringe, but this is obviously another level of entitlement and selfishness.

That said, I have two friends who at different times (20s and 30s respectively) have been involved with married older men and they are both genuinely kind and caring people in other respects. Two of the very nicest people I know. So I do get that it’s more complicated than saying this makes her an awful person. The one thing both those friends had in common at the time is their respective relationships was a huge problem with self esteem despite being successful and vivacious etc (and in one case unusually gorgeous). That’s not to justify what they did but it sort of makes sense to me thinking about it, as no happy, confident person (unless they were a total bitch) would get any pleasure or self confidence from this kind of arrangement. So I wonder if, in due course, it’s worth exploring with your daughter what she wanted to get out of this and what she could do differently to get that input without hurting others. I know this isn’t the time and your job is to be there for her but unpacking it might help her, when the time comes.

It’s “exciting” to you to shag a man who is a proven cheat and liar? We have very different definitions of exciting.

And a “forever relationship” with a man who has literally shown me he cannot keep it in his pant? No thanks, I’d rather run naked down the high street.

I can't believe people on here are having a go at the OP, who has tried to do the right thing here. There is nothing more can be done and that's hard enough on the OP who sounds to me like a lovely mum. The dd is making a mistake and will have to learn the hard way.

I would be incredibly disappointed and woukd not hesitate to tell her how I fell over and over and over.

Because I'm sure you never did anything wrong or selfish in your whole life, right? Have a medal.

God I would hate this too. Thinking back on my own life though, some people just have to make their own mistakes and learn life’s painful lessons the hard way. My mum still can’t resist an “I told you so” (I’m nearly 50).

Whilst he may be good looking and older, if he’s at the same level as your daughter professionally when he’s 47 and she’s 27, either she’s incredible or he’s not up to much. Perhaps someone more impressive and emotionally available will cross her path and turn her head.

I’d be so disappointed in her and would have told her so. After that I wouldn’t discuss it.