Accused of cheating and dumped at Xmas

[Popie123]

Hi

I have been seeing a guy for the last year, we have not had the official Rship talk but we are together almost everyday and have spoke of a future together, all his friends and family know about me and vice versa

from the start I have seen signs he may have been insecure 'jokes' about other men all the time, what I wear, doesn't like me wearing make up , if I get 'done up' or wear lipstick comments about I don't do that for him all in a jokey way but I don't believe they are jokes

I brushed this off cos when we are on good terms he is a very loving caring man

not to blow my own trumpet but on paper I have alot more going for me, I earned significantly more than him, ( when he was working) he has recently lost his job, tbf to him he has had multiple interviews since but has not got and of them, I feel he may have been threatened by me

The week before Xmas I went on my work Christmas do, I missed a few of his calls as I was chatting to colleagues when I finally did see his calls he started accusing me of talking to guys etc , he did still pick me up but when we got back to my place it escalated, I told a small lie as I was scared of his reaction ( told him no men approached me that night when some did ) I ended up slipping and apologises sincerely for lying, he left my house and I have not seen him since, that weekend we were meant to be celebrating my Birthday together although nothing was actually booked.. he proceeded to dah he would no longer be celebrating my bday with me as I am liar and a slag, he also messaged my friend to tell her this

my birthday was Boxing Day , I did not so much as get a happy bday from him Nor a merry Xmas , he has told me to leave him alone said he has found out numerous things about me and has blocked me every where and says he never wants to talk to me again

i am in utter shock! I have not so much as looked at another man since I met him and he absolutely could have not found out anything! This has totally ruined my Xmas and bday and I don't know what to even think at this point

Lucky escape. He’s giving off serious red flags

what a lucky escape

do not engage when he comes crawling back!!

thanks for your responses , to be clear this post wasn't about me wanting him back I don't ! It was more if anyone else had been through similar as when you encounter a person like this you find it so hard to understand how anyone's mind can work in this way and now someone can believe their own lies to this extent , do they truely belive them ? With no evidence to support I just don't understand it

yes I have had issues with past rships and I do need to work on that but I have never encountered this type of man ever, I admit I should have walked away earlier and now he has done a complete number on me but I will not beat myself up over that

although this was not a long term Rship I want to be clear that the control and abuse was very subtle at the start which it always is. He never told me directly to not wear make up, it was certain comments he would make and act like they came from a place of kindness , I opened up to him about past rships and he made me feel comfortable to do that only for months later those very things to be used against me.

The commenting on my clothes was rare and only started recently but still not acceptable

i stayed in this situation yes but i don't have to explain my reasons for that , i know it was wrong and I still do and it would torment me alot as the id see the loving side of him and feel very confused , trauma bonds can be created over months it does not have to be years and when they are created leaving them is similar to coming off heroin. It is scientifically proven.

thank you for all your advice and like most of you have said I will look at this as a blessing

I agree that it has been framed in a victim blaming way, but it is true that he has been like it from the start so PP is not wrong that some time looking at why you accepted that behaviour from him so readily would be useful. Not because you were to blame, but because you were vulnerable and it could help protect you in the future to explore why. It's helpful to many victims without meaning it was their fault in the first place.

He is no loss. He was never joking about lipstick / looking nice.

Trying to work out a man like him is like trying to wrestle with a monkey holding a machine gun.
As a sane, rational person you try and work out why on earth a person behaves this way.
There could be a number of reasons, all intertwined, but unless you are an experienced psychiatrist, there is no point trying to work this person out.
A friend of my mum’s was married to a man like this. He alienated her from everyone, including her own kids and grandkids.
Even in their 80’s, if she said she was getting on a local bus to go a few stops to the nearest shops, he would follow in his car. He would then accuse her of having sex with the bus driver. It was only when he died she got some freedom but the damage had been done.
I have had to step away from a friend who constantly returns to her abuser. It got too much.
You are at a stage OP where you have a real window of opportunity to choose your own freedom. It will take time to get over it, but you have people who love you.

His mind works that way because he is judging you as behaving how he would if you were not around.

I'd bet good money on your finding out he was cheating on you, and his 'get out' would be the 'we never had the relationship conversation' - because who doesn't think they are in a relationship by 1 year in?

You never were a person to him, only a possession, which is why he felt it was ok to treat you that way, have one rule for him, one rule for you etc.

He will try to get you back when he thinks he's ignored you long enough to pull you back into line. Block him everywhere to minimise his ability to do that.

your right there is no point trying I'm just a very empathetic person and I always try to see the good in people and I guess that is why he choose me as even now I find it hard to accept he's a peice of shit even though i know he is, i do have a good support network around me and some of my closest friends know the full story but i am to ashamed to tell the rest as yes I have taken him back before but he's only Got worse

my biggest fear is I'd loose my support network and what your mums friend went through sounds terrifying and especially for it to carry on in to her 80s

He never seemed to have any issues with me going out or going on holidays with my friends or if he did he would never say it but maybe this would have escalated down the line

@Popie123 there is no good left to see here. Even if he is capable of doing kind things he’s an abusive and deeply damaged person. Love can’t fix it, I am afraid.
I have been there myself - I would rather not go into details - it’s a couple of decades ago now. I wish I’d gotten out sooner.
But I did, and I went through it for a while, and then found a new life which I protect.
It is not that I don’t trust new people now, I just take my time and protect myself. Good people reveal themselves.
Tell your friends - show them this thread - they would rather know than have you hide it, but if you do that you must be prepared to move forward without him.
He will keep punishing you and he will get worse. I was a similar age to you when I’d had enough - no kids - and had a good job, great family, lovely friends. I still have them.
Stop trying to fix a man to prove you can be loved by him.

I agree that you have had a lucky escape.

As your other points have been responded to well, I'm picking up on this.

I'm just a very empathetic person and I always try to see the good in people and I guess that is why he choose me

This is something that requires a bit of self reflection.

Yes, you are an empathetic person who tries to see the good in people. That is a positive quality.

But you also need to have boundaries.

He didn't choose you because he identified this in you. He didn't know this about you before he discovered it after you had started dating.

It was this aspect of you that meant you didn't get rid of him sooner. He will have been this man with anyone he dated. Other women will have dumped him for it. He will have dumped other women because they challenged him on it.

He will have always been the victim in his eyes.

That's not to say that it's your fault he treated you like this. He is solely responsible for his behaviour but we are responsible for the behaviour we accept in our lives.

In future, if you date a man and he shows you these signs early on, don't decide to be the woman eho understands him; shows him that Not All Women...; or seek to prove to him that you are a good person. Think, "Fuck that!" And walk away.

These men are NOT our problem to solve.

What a lovely start to the New Year you’ll have, now you’re shot of that horrible, controlling, insecure arsehole.
I’d put money on him getting in touch on NYE so if you haven’t done already, block him and his bullshit.

He is blocked but I think it's highly unlikely he'd get in touch on NYE if he didn't on my bday or Xmas not that I want him to

Such a lucky escape! Controlling trash bag took himself to the bin. Move on OP and look out for red flags sooner next time

You say you always see the good in people - unfortunately I’ve read too many threads on here from women who say similar things and sadly they’re always the ones who give chance after chance to men who wave red flags right in their face.

It’s a MN cliche but true - when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. Women are not put on earth to give chances to shitty men.

Good decision to block and keep him blocked OP. What a loser. You’re well rid.

The thing that really struck me from your first post is your statement that the 2 of you were not in an official relationship but were together every day. Why was that? It seems really odd and unless it was something that you really wanted too, I’d see it as a red flag. If a man won’t commit to agreeing that you are a couple after a month of serious dating then he’s not really committed and I would suggest that you end it at that point. Otherwise you’re showing him that you don’t value yourself enough to be treated well.

It wasn't what I wanted and it was brought up on numerous occasions by me .. he said to me that he did not trust me to say right now we were in an official relationship even though he was at my house almost daily and all his family and friends knew about me and I had met them and again I had done nothing at all to break that trust

he said he was scared to put that label on it as it would make him Vulnerable but said it was what he wanted and that we were 'going in that direction' he spoke about kids often and marriage

he kept using the term getting to know me which confused me as I felt he did know me .. however I clearly did not know him.

writing this down now I should have run and it is a glaring red flag

Looking at it I was completly taken in by his affection , I have never been in a physically affectionate relationship my whole life , he also took care of me for example cooking for me , looking after me when I was sick, helping out around the home , picking me up from places like the airport etc things that are normal but I had never experienced in intimate rships ( not childhood my issues do not stem from that I was brought up in a loving home). Cos he did all these things I believed he felt something for me, but he has shit on me from a great height

I knew deep down that me being scared to miss his call was wrong , even if I was in work meetings I felt very anxious if I missed a call like I had to explain , we went away together in the summer and I was accused of looking at a waiter who was almost a kid he was that young, I knew all of this was not normal but when the sweet affectionate caring side came out I forgot about it all.. more fool me

it was not all abuse and accusations, it never is and if it was id never have stayed

I really just want to give you a hug.

You’re doing fabulously. Well done for all the steps you’ve taken so far. It’s hard to step away from this sort of mindfuck, so be gentle with yourself.

Your further posts are really thoughtful @Popie123
You are clearly a really bright and intelligent young woman. I should imagine part of the pull is that this man has spent so much time in your home.
It is pathetic that a grown man can’t acknowledge a relationship and yet accused you of cheating for no reason.
I worked out that men who do this are cheats themselves and then project their issues on the partner they are abusing.
I am now in the first functional romantic relationship of my adult life and I’m old enough to be your mum. We have been together since my early 40’s and it’s made me realise the terrible shit I put up with before.
It is not perfect, nothing is, but you get the affection and the good bits as a regular everyday thing. The odd argument, a few disagreements but the absolute security that this person loves you,
If you think I may have been a bit of a catch on paper I was the opposite. But I met him volunteering and he was very straight with me. He always has been. He was proud to introduce me to people. He has been with me through losing both of my parents and health issues.
I promise you it can happen, but it never would have happened to me if I’d stayed with an abuser.
You can’t see it now, but I promise you if you really decide to stay strong and cut him from your life, one day soon you will not regret it.
You will be proud you did it as it’s not easy.
You have so much going for you, honestly living a free life, free of all this control will be so worthwhile. Lots of women on here have been through it and come out the other side.

He'll be back in touch, and expect you to let it go and carry on as normal. He sounds like my ex, even down to messaging friends telling them what a slag you are over nothing! If you get back with him, it'll get so much worse.

Ohh I hadn't read the full thread, just seen that you've posted that you've taken him back before and he's got worse.
Keep him away this time. You can brush off 1 year of it and get on with your life before any damage is done.

Thank you for your kind words

Can I ask if you don't mind me saying how you got out of the situation ? And what would trigger your ex to msg your friends etc ?

i have had toxic rships in my life but never to this extent where friends have been involved and names have been called etc so for me now someone can behave like this and so loving one minute is just bizzare to me

How are you doing @Popie123 ?

Don’t take him back! You’ve had a lucky escape. It’s quite sad to think you told a white lie because you were worried about his reaction - this is a huge red flag.

Belated HPD 💐 - you’re free to do what you like.

I have ups and downs , feelings of sadness but knowing that this behaviour is awful, not not normal and someone like this is dangerous

sounds Pathetic but this is the longest time since I've known him that we haven't spoken or seen each other so it's hard but also realising he's actually awful

also the thoughts of how could he do this over nothing and how someone can pluck cheating accusations from thin air is completely insane to me

thank you for asking

There is nothing worse than going cold turkey when you already have a fridge full of it! Pardon the pun….
It is the harshest but the only real way to recover. Believe me I’ve tried all the other methods - they don’t work.
Imagine going to work and wearing what you want. Putting on lipstick. Having conversations. Not worrying about where you are and how long a journey takes. Not living a secret life with a man who your loved ones want to protect you from.
Enjoying your Christmas and New Year.
An awful man like this blocks the way - it’s like he is blocking a doorway and while he is there, you never get to meet a decent man who will respect you.
He blocks a happy future, contentment, feeling good about your life, consistency, simple pleasures, fun!
It is tough but if you can be tough, days become weeks, then months, and it gets easier.
You will never work out why he does what he does. There is no sense in it to a decent, kind person.
But to him it makes sense - he is a waster with nothing to offer a woman like you so in order to ‘keep’ you he moved between kindness and cruelty, and mental torture, as well as keeping you small so you feel like nobody else will value you.
Sod that for a game of soldiers. A man who loves you can’t wait to show you off. If you get admiring glances, he will feel like a lucky guy. He will want to make sure you enjoy your birthday.