Accused of cheating and dumped at Xmas

[Popie123]

Hi

I have been seeing a guy for the last year, we have not had the official Rship talk but we are together almost everyday and have spoke of a future together, all his friends and family know about me and vice versa

from the start I have seen signs he may have been insecure 'jokes' about other men all the time, what I wear, doesn't like me wearing make up , if I get 'done up' or wear lipstick comments about I don't do that for him all in a jokey way but I don't believe they are jokes

I brushed this off cos when we are on good terms he is a very loving caring man

not to blow my own trumpet but on paper I have alot more going for me, I earned significantly more than him, ( when he was working) he has recently lost his job, tbf to him he has had multiple interviews since but has not got and of them, I feel he may have been threatened by me

The week before Xmas I went on my work Christmas do, I missed a few of his calls as I was chatting to colleagues when I finally did see his calls he started accusing me of talking to guys etc , he did still pick me up but when we got back to my place it escalated, I told a small lie as I was scared of his reaction ( told him no men approached me that night when some did ) I ended up slipping and apologises sincerely for lying, he left my house and I have not seen him since, that weekend we were meant to be celebrating my Birthday together although nothing was actually booked.. he proceeded to dah he would no longer be celebrating my bday with me as I am liar and a slag, he also messaged my friend to tell her this

my birthday was Boxing Day , I did not so much as get a happy bday from him Nor a merry Xmas , he has told me to leave him alone said he has found out numerous things about me and has blocked me every where and says he never wants to talk to me again

i am in utter shock! I have not so much as looked at another man since I met him and he absolutely could have not found out anything! This has totally ruined my Xmas and bday and I don't know what to even think at this point

Christ, why would you put up with any of that or want him back now he’s done this?! Absolutely fuck that, you’ve had a lucky escape… don’t go back for more of this shit.

He is trying to get you to question your own reality - he IS making you doubt yourself - then he’ll come back, forgiving you as long as you don’t do it again and you’ll be so relieved he’s back to being kind and loving you’ll let him - and be grateful, until the next time and then the next and each time it will get worse!
It doesn’t matter whether you have even sniffed the same air as another man! He will find a way to make you question everything until he wears you down and’s you don’t even realise the control he has over everything you do and say!
Break the cycle NOW @Popie123 please please know this is all on him and you deserve so much more!

Your boundaries are very weak, OP, and for the sake of some nice times, you seem happy to put up with controlling and abusive behaviour.

You've had a lucky escape. Now do some work on your self esteem before you end up in the same situation with another man who sees you coming.

This just gets worse. I’d only ready your OP when I first replied. Fuck this guy, how dare he?! Why are you not FURIOUS?!

Oh honestly, OP is not the problem here. People like him can get their nasty little claws into anyone, OP you know it’s not right or you wouldn’t have posted. The fact you’ve fallen foul of this type of play is not an indication that there is anything wrong with you. Wrong time, wrong place that’s all. Learn from it and move on.

He's a pathetic, insecure little maggot. He's done you a massive favour.

Block on everything and move on. His issues are not your issues. He will make your life hell and you will be walking on a tightrope for all your life. Before long he will hit you and blame you for that too.

Lucky escape. Bet he was with someone else.

Block !!

Maybe calling you desperate was too blunt but you chose to stay in a relative new relationship despite the numerous red flags. This man did a number on you and you need to know how. It is not about victim blaming, it’s about understanding what made you susceptible to this man’s control. He gave you just enough of what you crave so he could assert his control and you accepted the trade off. What you craved made you vulnerable and you need to address that.

This will never get better. He's told you who he is. Don't settle down and expect him to change. My advice ? Get rid. Find man secure in himself.

@Popie123 you posted about this man in September. You were told then he was abusive. You said it was over and that you would go into counselling. You told posters he was blocked. You were told you needed to raise your boundaries.

Why are we back here in December on repeat?

I think @Bobiverse is actually spot on here.

It’s not victim blaming when posters point out repeatedly that this man is abusive, you yourself describe him as a narc, and then you go back to him. This is on you.

The fact that you even felt you had to lie about men approaching you , something which is completely outside your control, just highlights how controlling and awful he is. I’d imagine he will be back and lovebombing again shortly. Please don’t fall for it, for your own safety and wellbeing.

dump him. He is trouble with a capital T. Not nice. Controlling. Gas lighting. And now "punishing" you by blocking you and telling you it's over. Well, accept him. Don't crawl back to him or play the "pick me" dance. You actually have escaped . Sad but be grateful you learnt about his real self before anything more permanent like marriage arose. Do not look back. Best remedy... get on and find a real man. Not a pouting manipulative loser.

I have read your previous posts @Popie123 and I think you have been involved with this same man for a few years.
You did a Clare’s Law request and were angry that the police were concerned about you.
You and this guy have a history of blocking and unblocking.
Your friends absolutely hate him and with good reason.
He doesn’t work, he’s had bailiffs after him.
You are 33 with a good job, friends, a family.
You can come back here for advice any time, it’s good to talk, but at some point only you can act. We can give all the good advice, but I don’t think you are hearing it.
This man is destroying you and he will keep doing so.
The kind act is an act to control you.
Then the cruelty keeps you unhinged so you can’t move on.
It is like an addiction and only you can’t move decide to act.
It doesn’t matter that the Freedom Programme didn’t suit. Do it anyway.
Get therapy.
Spend time with your friends.
Your posts on here are actually a record of his behaviours. Go to the police.
You are still so young and deserve a good life and a happy relationship.
You have agency. You are not tied to this man. So many women are trapped.
Only you can decide that it’s enough now.
This started in your 20’s. Do you want to be here in your 40’s probably with no life, no home, no friends, stuck in hell with this man?
It is now your choice.
Your choice alone.
You can’t do it all on your own talk to your friends but understand if you go back to him you may lose them.
Why lose all the good people for an abuser?
Your choice.

You've posted about this guy before (and possibly your previous bf was similar unless this is the same person).

No one should make you feel like this. Relationships shouldn't be constantly swinging from emotional highs to extreme lows with you walking on eggshells not knowing when the next low is going to come.

Let him go (it's a blessing, honestly). You may need some therapy to work on what love feels like to you (this isn't a criticism. I had an awful emotional rollercoaster of a relationship that nearly derailed me. It took some time, and a couple of normal dating experiences, to recognise that what you actually want to feel with a partner is a sense of peace/happiness/friendship)

Never brush off things. Red flags are there to be paid attention to, not brushed off.

You’re well rid of him.

But you need to focus now on why you didn’t end this a good while ago. The first time he criticised what you wear, or suggested you’re cheating - that’s when it should have ended. Immediately.

I’ve been married over 30 years and my DH has not once done either of these. It isn’t normal or acceptable for a man to do either.

Don’t spend time trying to work out what you could or should have done to change him. He is not a good man, and this relationship needed to end.

I also did not confirm when it started and whilst yes we do not have kids spending nearly every day with someone for a year and building a bond is something and if you think otherwise your very ignorant
You haven’t changed your username from previous threads. Anyone who does an AS can see how long this has been going on for.

I'm usually a very strong independent woman

im not sure if you think im some weak vulnerable woman with no support system but please do not insult my intelligence again thats not me

You’re quite defensive about any suggestion that you might be vulnerable, and you also seem to equate ‘vulnerable’ with ‘weak’.

Months ago you posted here because you suspected this man was a narcissist, you recognised that he was abusive, and you’d blocked him after he blocked you. Three months later you’re back with him and he’s displaying the same behaviours. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, but it does suggest you’re vulnerable to manipulation.

Posters who have seen that this has been going on for a while, and that you got back with him after recognising abuse - despite having a way out months ago - aren’t insulting your intelligence or suggesting you’re weak when they express concern that you seem vulnerable. You do seem vulnerable. This isn’t victim blaming or an insult, but it is something you need to recognise so that you can take steps to protect yourself. Do the freedom programme, speak openly to your friends about what’s happening, and get support to hold some boundaries and make sure you don’t get sucked back into a horrible relationship with this horrible man again.

Am sorry, please do not blame the OP. People like this are incredibly manipulative. People get sucked into the drama of it and then cannot see the wood for the trees.
In my case I'd never encountered anyone like this before and it had been a while since I'd dated anyone (been happy on my own, concentrating on my career) and tbh, I was beginning to think this was 'normal'. Luckily mine was all over within a few months.

Thankyou for your kind words.
Am very glad you recognise these things as wrong, but you need to apply the same logic to your own situation and walk away from this man, once and for all.
Be warned though, if you do, the charm will be out in full-force as you walk away but as sure as a sure thing it will be followed by the nasty as you keep walking. Don't be tempted back, it's manipulation and abuse.

@Popie123 Read this over and over again. It will help you muster the strength to work out a way to leave this abusive man.

Your thread has transported me back decades to my 20’s Popie123.

I was engaged to a guy who was loving and caring and in every way just perfect. Then little niggles started to appear. He’d turn up at work nights out for example on the pretext of seeing me safely home. If I was on a late shift at work he’d be sitting outside in his car waiting to drive me home even when I told him there was no need.

Everyone thought what a nice caring guy taking care of me. Then things escalated. If I was anywhere without him he questioned who I was with/spoken to/how many males were there etc. Then the completely false accusations started without any foundation whatsoever. He accused me of cheating on him.

I broke up with him. I heard years later he was in court. His crime?
He attempted to murder his wife after years of controlling abuse and domestic violence.

Please consider this a lucky escape and leave him permanently dumped. Don’t give in to the love bombing that he’ll try to get you back under his control.

Yet another one of these controlling nut jobs twisted up with jealousy, suspicion and hate.

You are better off without him.

These are the men who escalate into physical violence and worse.

You cannot reason with them - their minds don't work properly.

Block, avoid, move on, find a life of your own that doesn't centre him.

He’s worse than bad news, he is toxic.

The suddenness has been a shock, but once you’ve had a day or two to get a bit of clarity you should see this as your Christmas Miracle.

My partner is insecure but it manifests in such a different way - there is no excuse for this type of behaviour. He knows it’s a ‘him’ problem based on previously relationships and some appearance hang ups, and not mine. He shares his concerns and I am open and honest about things like an ex messaging me or if I fancy a bloke of the tv. I’d never feel uncomfortable doing those things, not because I like to torment him but because that’s me and I’m not changing, and we talk about it.