Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Accused of cheating and dumped at Xmas

137 replies

Popie123 · 27/12/2025 21:16

Hi

I have been seeing a guy for the last year, we have not had the official Rship talk but we are together almost everyday and have spoke of a future together, all his friends and family know about me and vice versa

from the start I have seen signs he may have been insecure 'jokes' about other men all the time, what I wear, doesn't like me wearing make up , if I get 'done up' or wear lipstick comments about I don't do that for him all in a jokey way but I don't believe they are jokes

I brushed this off cos when we are on good terms he is a very loving caring man

not to blow my own trumpet but on paper I have alot more going for me, I earned significantly more than him, ( when he was working) he has recently lost his job, tbf to him he has had multiple interviews since but has not got and of them, I feel he may have been threatened by me

The week before Xmas I went on my work Christmas do, I missed a few of his calls as I was chatting to colleagues when I finally did see his calls he started accusing me of talking to guys etc , he did still pick me up but when we got back to my place it escalated, I told a small lie as I was scared of his reaction ( told him no men approached me that night when some did ) I ended up slipping and apologises sincerely for lying, he left my house and I have not seen him since, that weekend we were meant to be celebrating my Birthday together although nothing was actually booked.. he proceeded to dah he would no longer be celebrating my bday with me as I am liar and a slag, he also messaged my friend to tell her this

my birthday was Boxing Day , I did not so much as get a happy bday from him Nor a merry Xmas , he has told me to leave him alone said he has found out numerous things about me and has blocked me every where and says he never wants to talk to me again

i am in utter shock! I have not so much as looked at another man since I met him and he absolutely could have not found out anything! This has totally ruined my Xmas and bday and I don't know what to even think at this point

OP posts:
Original poster
Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:01

I would usually back down to him, he's never been this bad but when we have argued before I would back down and reassure him. This time I have not, I told him he is talking shit , he is insecure and he will not rewrite this narrative by any means. He clearly cannot handle this hence the blocking, he has said to me 'I could at least admit what I've done and maybe he will have some respect for me but it won't change anything ' I am not admitting anything as I have done nothing and he will not gaslight me into thinking I have

OP posts:
ohyesido · 27/12/2025 22:04

Popie123 · 27/12/2025 21:31

He is in to all natural stuff, and frames it ina. Way of I have sensitive skin ( I do) so shouldn't be wearing it etc and how he hates make up even though I know this is all bollocks! I wrote a midi dress to a work interview a few months ago and he said I was trying to show my body of to guys but again jt was said in a laughing 'jokey way'

Show quote history

That’s how it starts. a jokey little dig. Next, he’s asking you if you’ve slept with every man you say hello to in passing. Then he’s screaming through your letterbox calling you a slag

Happyjoe · 27/12/2025 22:06

I went out with someone like him, the endless to and fro from charming to idiot, checking my phone, accused me of seeing my boss who I was good friends with (was a friend who started a company who I then worked for), didn't like it if got dressed up, or lost weight.. ended up with him trying to strangle me. I got out then.

Thank your lucky stars that you have seen him for what he is.. never go back. Please, it would be the best present to yourself ever.

Original poster
Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:07

When I have missed his calls in the past for genuine reasons he will act off with me and start questioning me.. even if I was in the shower he will go silent on the phone like he is plotting and thinking something in his head then blurt something out. Any time I have offered my phone for evidence he won't even look at it and turns his head away. I have been accused of sleeping with people at work if I'm in traffic on the way home, he said he knows the route and it doesn't take that long

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 22:08

You must be absolutely desperate to have stayed with this man. Most women would leave after the first few weeks when these behaviours started to show. He is very bad news with terrible views of women, and clearly the opinion that he is in charge of your time and your body. Why was he even calling during your work night out? Because he is controlling and a misogynist.

You are lucky to be out of if. If you think anything other than “thank god” then you need therapy. Block him everywhere, never see him again, never take him back. Get some self respect.

Original poster
Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:10

Happyjoe · 27/12/2025 22:06

I went out with someone like him, the endless to and fro from charming to idiot, checking my phone, accused me of seeing my boss who I was good friends with (was a friend who started a company who I then worked for), didn't like it if got dressed up, or lost weight.. ended up with him trying to strangle me. I got out then.

Thank your lucky stars that you have seen him for what he is.. never go back. Please, it would be the best present to yourself ever.

Edited

Sorry you went through this and sounds awful! I lost weight before I met him ( 3 stone) put a bit on since meeting him and when I've told him about this he kind of belittles it, he likes to cook and would cook for me alot but I felt anytime I tried to get back on my healthy eating he would subtly sabotage it , bring me round deserts etc

I was also accused of doing things with people at work

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 22:10

Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:07

When I have missed his calls in the past for genuine reasons he will act off with me and start questioning me.. even if I was in the shower he will go silent on the phone like he is plotting and thinking something in his head then blurt something out. Any time I have offered my phone for evidence he won't even look at it and turns his head away. I have been accused of sleeping with people at work if I'm in traffic on the way home, he said he knows the route and it doesn't take that long

It just gets worse. And you’ve stayed with him? Why? Seriously, why have you stayed with this man?

There has to be something really wrong deep down inside you for you to have stayed and even worse, backed down and apologised and offered up your phone and tried to placate him. This is very very sad to read. I hope you have some good friends who can keep you away from him.

Papyrophile · 27/12/2025 22:11

I suspect this one would be very bad news if you were to take it forward. Please, run away.

ohyesido · 27/12/2025 22:11

Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:07

When I have missed his calls in the past for genuine reasons he will act off with me and start questioning me.. even if I was in the shower he will go silent on the phone like he is plotting and thinking something in his head then blurt something out. Any time I have offered my phone for evidence he won't even look at it and turns his head away. I have been accused of sleeping with people at work if I'm in traffic on the way home, he said he knows the route and it doesn't take that long

Is he really good in bed or something? Why on earth would you want a boyfriend like this who is so exhausting? It must be so draining for you

Original poster
Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:11

Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 22:08

You must be absolutely desperate to have stayed with this man. Most women would leave after the first few weeks when these behaviours started to show. He is very bad news with terrible views of women, and clearly the opinion that he is in charge of your time and your body. Why was he even calling during your work night out? Because he is controlling and a misogynist.

You are lucky to be out of if. If you think anything other than “thank god” then you need therapy. Block him everywhere, never see him again, never take him back. Get some self respect.

What a lovely comment 😂I'm far from desperate you clearly have never experienced an abusive relationship and I hope you never do , you sound more like someone who would be an abuser in my opinion. Your views aren't wanted here so don't bother responding. Women like you make me sick

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 22:14

Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:11

What a lovely comment 😂I'm far from desperate you clearly have never experienced an abusive relationship and I hope you never do , you sound more like someone who would be an abuser in my opinion. Your views aren't wanted here so don't bother responding. Women like you make me sick

Show quote history

This isn’t years down the line with the abuse slowly creeping in. This is a new relationship and the abuse has been front and centre from the start… and you’ve continued seeing him. Why? That’s desperation.

The sort of insidious abuse that traps women is slow, and creeps in after years, very often after a child has been born. This isn’t that. This is a guy you started dating who was immediately showing himself as flashing red bunting and you kept dating him. There is a reason for that and you need to explore it in therapy before dating again.

Secure women would have a few dates with this guy and then end it. You only stay with a man like that if you have some desperate need to not be alone, or are very vulnerable in some other way.

Original poster
Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:18

Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 22:14

This isn’t years down the line with the abuse slowly creeping in. This is a new relationship and the abuse has been front and centre from the start… and you’ve continued seeing him. Why? That’s desperation.

The sort of insidious abuse that traps women is slow, and creeps in after years, very often after a child has been born. This isn’t that. This is a guy you started dating who was immediately showing himself as flashing red bunting and you kept dating him. There is a reason for that and you need to explore it in therapy before dating again.

Secure women would have a few dates with this guy and then end it. You only stay with a man like that if you have some desperate need to not be alone, or are very vulnerable in some other way.

Edited
Show quote history

I think you should look up the term victim blaming cos that is exactly what you are doing, you don't know me or nothing about me. To think that abuse can only happen after years and when a child is involved shows a very low level of emotional intelligence and like I said you clearly have no idea how abuse works I suspect your the type of woman who says only women who wear short skirts and are drunk get raped as well

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 27/12/2025 22:19

You’ve had a lucky escape!

Original poster
Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:20

Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 22:14

This isn’t years down the line with the abuse slowly creeping in. This is a new relationship and the abuse has been front and centre from the start… and you’ve continued seeing him. Why? That’s desperation.

The sort of insidious abuse that traps women is slow, and creeps in after years, very often after a child has been born. This isn’t that. This is a guy you started dating who was immediately showing himself as flashing red bunting and you kept dating him. There is a reason for that and you need to explore it in therapy before dating again.

Secure women would have a few dates with this guy and then end it. You only stay with a man like that if you have some desperate need to not be alone, or are very vulnerable in some other way.

Edited
Show quote history

all you have to do is look at the countless threads on this section of women in abusive rships to know that it does not have to be years it can be weeks it can be months, I hope this type of Rship never finds you or anyone you love

OP posts:
Gasbox · 27/12/2025 22:22

The person he is showing you right now is who he really is, the rest has been a lie to suck you in. You need to get it 100% straight in your mind that the kind, loving person you're missing is nothing but an act, a pretence he puts on to mask the real him. You've seen beneath the mask now and he's shown himself to be controlling, jealous and paranoid, and capable of treating you really cruelly when he's decided you've done something wrong. By all means grieve the man you thought he was, but be under no illusions that that's who you will be inviting into your life if you go back to him after this. Focus on the person he's being right now, is that really someone you want to have a relationship with? You've dodged a bullet OP, don't be stupid enough to give him a second shot.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 27/12/2025 22:22

Thank god you are now out of this abusive relationship.

Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 22:23

Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:18

I think you should look up the term victim blaming cos that is exactly what you are doing, you don't know me or nothing about me. To think that abuse can only happen after years and when a child is involved shows a very low level of emotional intelligence and like I said you clearly have no idea how abuse works I suspect your the type of woman who says only women who wear short skirts and are drunk get raped as well

Show quote history

I am absolutely not. Those are entirely different things.

This is a brand new relationship, less than a year. And sounds like you’ve had a lot of these fights and a lot of issues around him trying to control you. So, right from the start of dating him? And you stayed. That is a problem and you need to understand why you did it.

There are abusive men right from the start, but most women don’t have more than a few dates. The ones who stay are vulnerable and need help. You stayed, with a new man who was abusing you. No financial ties, no marriage, no kids, no years of time sunk. A new guy who was clearly a shit… but you kept dating him, apologising to him, showing him your phone, doing what he wanted. Why?

Women do actually need to take responsibility for themselves when dating. You actually need to look after yourself and pull the plug on dates with me who act like this man.

There is absolutely nothing holding you to this man. Other than yourself. If you can’t stay away from him then get help.

Happyher · 27/12/2025 22:24

He doesn’t want to buy you a present for either birthday or Christmas. See if he tries to makeup once it’s too late

CuriousKangaroo · 27/12/2025 22:26

He’s not “insecure,” he’s a controlling, abusive, arsehole. You have had a lucky escape and your Christmas and birthday have been made, not ruined. You may not see that yet, but you will. I hope you never let him weasel his way back in again. He will definitely try once he thinks you have been suitably “punished.” Block him yourself and never look back.

SergeantWrinkles · 27/12/2025 22:27

You’ve dodged a bullet op.

Bobiverse · 27/12/2025 22:28

Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:20

all you have to do is look at the countless threads on this section of women in abusive rships to know that it does not have to be years it can be weeks it can be months, I hope this type of Rship never finds you or anyone you love

Show quote history

I was a single mum for 10 years. I did online dating. Believe me, plenty of these men have found me. Any adult women dating is found by these men. But I didn’t give them more than one or two dates. As soon as there as any comment along the lines that you’ve described, they were gone. One guy didn’t show any sort of red flag until 4 months in, and then it stared because I went out for cocktails with friends so I got the calls and texts and accusations. I ended it that night and never spoke to him again.

Thats what you do. You date, and you run when they show you this stuff.

I’ve now been with someone for 2 years who is the sort of man you want your kids to end up with. He’s great. But if he started controlling me? He’s be gone.

crazeekat · 27/12/2025 22:29

Lucky escape. DO NOT go back with him. He is dangerous.

ThatLilacTiger · 27/12/2025 22:29

Popie123 · 27/12/2025 22:07

When I have missed his calls in the past for genuine reasons he will act off with me and start questioning me.. even if I was in the shower he will go silent on the phone like he is plotting and thinking something in his head then blurt something out. Any time I have offered my phone for evidence he won't even look at it and turns his head away. I have been accused of sleeping with people at work if I'm in traffic on the way home, he said he knows the route and it doesn't take that long

If nothing else, didn't you find this boring as shit? I literally couldn't be fucked to have this conversation over and over. Like, what was so endearing about him that you'd bother to even stay in the room with him let alone the 'relationship'?

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 27/12/2025 22:36

Ignore the victim-blamers telling you that you need to take responsibility for having allowed this man to abuse you.

He's gone, thank goodness. Hallelujah.

Shecameshesawshesaidfuckthat · 27/12/2025 22:36

Sounds like a prick with an inferiority complex. You’ve dodged a bullet and questioning your reality just shows how much he’s got into your head! Be thankful he’s let you escape and whatever you do don’t be available when he comes crawling back, which he will, hoping you’ll have seen “the error of your ways” and be even more willing to put up with his shit.