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Original poster

Was I a fool?

262 replies

Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:22

I'm ashamed to say I had an affair with a colleague last year.
We have worked together a long time, though located in different countries (We are both the same nationality but he lives in the Uk), we saw each other at work events a few times a year.
Last year our work messages got more personal and we shared that we liked each other. He told me his stay at home wife is always annoyed with him, she doesn't get along with his family and hasn't learned his language - nor have their children so he felt very isolated. She didn't appreciate how hard he worked, but I understood what it takes to do the job.
After a few weeks he told her about us, and messaged me to say that he wants his family and has to end it. I accepted that.
But then we saw each other a few days later. He said he'd had to say that as she was threatening to move away with the children. He was very upset so we went back to his hotel room to talk. We ended up sleeping together. When he returned home he moved out and I thought we would be together. But he went back to his wife.
I understand what we did was wrong, but i though he was so unhappy and really cared for me.
Since then he has ignored me completely. His wife has contacted me, telling me I'm young and foolish and should have seen it would never work, that she and the children hate me and will always be part of his life whatever happens (I'm only 11 years younger, he is in his 40s I'm in my early 30s ). That I can't understand as I'm not a mother. I ignored her so she posted about me on social media, so my colleagues, family and friends all know now too. I asked him to stop her but he said it's between her and me.
Was I really stupid to think this was something, that he cared? I would not repeat this mistake but I thought I really meant something to him.

OP posts:
hollytheheroic · 26/12/2025 18:24

You weren't a fool OP, you trusted someone who was untrustworthy. I hope you don't get too hard a time on here.

Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:27

hollytheheroic · 26/12/2025 18:24

You weren't a fool OP, you trusted someone who was untrustworthy. I hope you don't get too hard a time on here.

Thank you for being kind. I appreciate it. I know it was wrong so I expect something of a hard time but I got swept up in him and really thought he was planning to leave his marriage anyway. Now I see him posting happy family pictures and declarations of love for his wife I wonder if I really was the fool she says I am.

OP posts:
Mooselooseinmyhoose · 26/12/2025 18:29

OP I mean this kindly.. yes you were a fool. All cheating men say their wives dont appreciate and understand them. If they said my wife is brilliant and im a shit then they wouldn't persuade others to sleep with them..

Sanasaaa · 26/12/2025 18:30

Once he discovered you were interested his wife 'doesn't appreciate' him and he gets to indulge in some sex.

Tale as old as time. These pathetic men don't even put any effort into the dreary old script they all follow.
He wouldn't have got anyone to have sex with him if he said he said he is staying with his wife. He has absolutely nothing to offer a mistress or his wife.

Instead of being a man worthy of respect, and striving to better himself and parent his kids, he chose to fail.

FestiveBauble · 26/12/2025 18:33

He fed you the classic tall tale (my wife doesn’t understand me, I’m not appreciated at home etc etc) and you fell for it - I’m more shocked that he was so upset talking about his wife leaving with the kids and that conversation led to you going back to his hotel room for a shag?! That sounds like the least sexy conversation ever!

ChristmasChroniclesBookFairie · 26/12/2025 18:33

I think getting involved with someone who is already married often leads to a lot of pain, regardless of gender. It’s a very familiar situation — hearing that the relationship is “basically over” or that they’re planning to leave — but if that were truly the case, they likely wouldn’t still be there.

It may also be worth reflecting on whether you’d want to build a future with someone who is able to be unfaithful. Perspectives on this often change over time, especially if children are involved.

What matters most now is taking time to reflect, learning from the experience, and moving forward. None of us are perfect, and mistakes are part of being human — what’s important is what you take from them.

Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:34

Sanasaaa · 26/12/2025 18:30

Once he discovered you were interested his wife 'doesn't appreciate' him and he gets to indulge in some sex.

Tale as old as time. These pathetic men don't even put any effort into the dreary old script they all follow.
He wouldn't have got anyone to have sex with him if he said he said he is staying with his wife. He has absolutely nothing to offer a mistress or his wife.

Instead of being a man worthy of respect, and striving to better himself and parent his kids, he chose to fail.

Yes I suppose so. But I really thought there was more to it. We spent hours and hours on the phone together talking and sharing personal things together before sex was even an option due to our locations. I had thought I would be quite wise to someone who was just looking for a chance to get sex but he seemed to really care. I thought the night we spent together was special, I knew he felt guilty the next day but I didn't expect that would be the last I would see of him or that he would stay with his wife even if he didn't end up with me. Why tell her the truth at all if not so that he was free to be with me?

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 26/12/2025 18:35

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 26/12/2025 18:29

OP I mean this kindly.. yes you were a fool. All cheating men say their wives dont appreciate and understand them. If they said my wife is brilliant and im a shit then they wouldn't persuade others to sleep with them..

This.

How many women would be interested in a man who said he has a beautiful, lovely wife, and a happy family?

Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:35

ChristmasChroniclesBookFairie · 26/12/2025 18:33

I think getting involved with someone who is already married often leads to a lot of pain, regardless of gender. It’s a very familiar situation — hearing that the relationship is “basically over” or that they’re planning to leave — but if that were truly the case, they likely wouldn’t still be there.

It may also be worth reflecting on whether you’d want to build a future with someone who is able to be unfaithful. Perspectives on this often change over time, especially if children are involved.

What matters most now is taking time to reflect, learning from the experience, and moving forward. None of us are perfect, and mistakes are part of being human — what’s important is what you take from them.

Thank you this is good advice

OP posts:
HipHopDontYouStop · 26/12/2025 18:35

Don’t bother yourself with married men again. It’s really foolish. They rarely leave their wives. They just love to dabble and catch suckers who believe their hogwash stories about their ‘difficult’ wives.

Ilovegolf · 26/12/2025 18:37

Yes, you were a massive fool. You fell for the oldest line in the book “my wife doesn’t understand me”. That is always, always code for “I want to get my leg over”. Which he did.
Ask yourself this. Why would you trust a man who you already know is lying to his wife? By his own admission, he’s a liar….why would you want to be in a relationship with, or even entertain, a liar?

Sanasaaa · 26/12/2025 18:37

To ease his conscience, dump the emotional burden on his wife, and likely get to indulge in some hysterical bonding with her.
Of course he acted like he cared. He's likely practised the sad old script on other mistresses, he enjoys it, it serves him.

Ilovegolf · 26/12/2025 18:41

Hang on…..you spent one night together? Just one? That isn’t an affair, that’s a shag. I absolutely guarantee he isn’t analysing this like you are.
Seriously op, you deserve far, far better. Cut him off with immediate effect. Now.

Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:42

Sanasaaa · 26/12/2025 18:37

To ease his conscience, dump the emotional burden on his wife, and likely get to indulge in some hysterical bonding with her.
Of course he acted like he cared. He's likely practised the sad old script on other mistresses, he enjoys it, it serves him.

It seems like a big risk to take to tell her if he wasn't prepared for his marriage to end though? But I suppose its possible he's done it before and been forgiven?

OP posts:
Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:43

Ilovegolf · 26/12/2025 18:41

Hang on…..you spent one night together? Just one? That isn’t an affair, that’s a shag. I absolutely guarantee he isn’t analysing this like you are.
Seriously op, you deserve far, far better. Cut him off with immediate effect. Now.

It was just one night together but weeks of daily long conversations and messages leading up that. He said she wasn't happy either so was quite surprised she wanted to work things out with him.

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 26/12/2025 18:45

Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:42

It seems like a big risk to take to tell her if he wasn't prepared for his marriage to end though? But I suppose its possible he's done it before and been forgiven?

Show quote history

I would say most men, most people even regardless of gender, have a pretty good idea of how it will be received by their partner, how likely it is to end a relationship or just be another argument that blows over etc.

Most likely is he had his fun, didn’t like the guilt and telling her himself gives you no power over him, he clearly knew she wouldn’t leave him and he was right so he got to have his cake and eat it.

Sanasaaa · 26/12/2025 18:45

Don't be surprised by lying married men lying to indulge in some cheating. It's textbook. Assume every word is a lie.
Never analyse a man. Believe their actions.

Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:48

Jellybunny56 · 26/12/2025 18:45

I would say most men, most people even regardless of gender, have a pretty good idea of how it will be received by their partner, how likely it is to end a relationship or just be another argument that blows over etc.

Most likely is he had his fun, didn’t like the guilt and telling her himself gives you no power over him, he clearly knew she wouldn’t leave him and he was right so he got to have his cake and eat it.

Show quote history

I don't disagree with hindsight. But he told her before we slept together. When i saw him he was such a mess, he'd been surprised at her threatening to move away with the children and at her preferring to stay together than to separate. He had assumed she was as unhappy as he was. Now they are both giving perfect family vibes off on their socials..

OP posts:
ForTipsyFinch · 26/12/2025 18:49

What did you think would happen when you went to his hotel room to ‘talk’? Come on now, you were messaging and then slept with a married man. Regardless of the twaddle he fed you, he shouldn’t have gotten the opportunity to do so in the first place.

strange25 · 26/12/2025 18:51

Why go near a married man in the first place.

Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:52

ForTipsyFinch · 26/12/2025 18:49

What did you think would happen when you went to his hotel room to ‘talk’? Come on now, you were messaging and then slept with a married man. Regardless of the twaddle he fed you, he shouldn’t have gotten the opportunity to do so in the first place.

I won't pretend I wasn't hoping that something would happen between us when I went with him. I wanted to help him of course, but I was sad he'd ended things and I was hoping that him wanting to spend time with me to talk would lead to something more. When he returned home and moved out I thought we would be together but he ended things with me again and then his wife found out we'd slept together and I started to receive contact from her. I've not had any more contact from him at all, he avoids attending any work events I would be at.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:53

strange25 · 26/12/2025 18:51

Why go near a married man in the first place.

I would not repeat this mistake. I thought it was something different between us.

OP posts:
strange25 · 26/12/2025 18:54

Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:53

I would not repeat this mistake. I thought it was something different between us.

Show quote history

I’m glad you can learn from it, as someone said above, you’d be starting the foundations of any possible relationship on lies. His wife is more of a fool for staying with him.

Original poster
Missinghim24 · 26/12/2025 18:58

strange25 · 26/12/2025 18:54

I’m glad you can learn from it, as someone said above, you’d be starting the foundations of any possible relationship on lies. His wife is more of a fool for staying with him.

Show quote history

We were both surprised that she wanted to stay. But she doesn't work so I suppose she doesn't have so many options.

OP posts:
cantbearsed247 · 26/12/2025 19:10

He said everything you wanted to hear until he got sex, then he dropped you like a hot brick. You were novel and hung on his every word but I doubt it was deep for him OP - although I'm sure he has enjoyed the ego boost.

I think anyone who messes with a married man is worse than a fool tbh, but he's certainly just as bad.