Was I a fool?

[Missinghim24]

I'm ashamed to say I had an affair with a colleague last year.
We have worked together a long time, though located in different countries (We are both the same nationality but he lives in the Uk), we saw each other at work events a few times a year.
Last year our work messages got more personal and we shared that we liked each other. He told me his stay at home wife is always annoyed with him, she doesn't get along with his family and hasn't learned his language - nor have their children so he felt very isolated. She didn't appreciate how hard he worked, but I understood what it takes to do the job.
After a few weeks he told her about us, and messaged me to say that he wants his family and has to end it. I accepted that.
But then we saw each other a few days later. He said he'd had to say that as she was threatening to move away with the children. He was very upset so we went back to his hotel room to talk. We ended up sleeping together. When he returned home he moved out and I thought we would be together. But he went back to his wife.
I understand what we did was wrong, but i though he was so unhappy and really cared for me.
Since then he has ignored me completely. His wife has contacted me, telling me I'm young and foolish and should have seen it would never work, that she and the children hate me and will always be part of his life whatever happens (I'm only 11 years younger, he is in his 40s I'm in my early 30s ). That I can't understand as I'm not a mother. I ignored her so she posted about me on social media, so my colleagues, family and friends all know now too. I asked him to stop her but he said it's between her and me.
Was I really stupid to think this was something, that he cared? I would not repeat this mistake but I thought I really meant something to him.

She has loads of options including taking half of the material assets' keeping the family home to bring up the children, claiming chikd support to support the children whilst she works, claiming half of his pension. Then your lovely cheating special person is going to be alot poorer, trying to balance his work, that you understand so well and his wife doesn't, with access to his children and running a second house.
Stop being so demeaning of the mother of the children of this man you think us so special. She doesn't work to bring up his children.

I don't wish to be rude op, but you sound extremely naive verging on gullible that you're still here reciting his lies as if they were true.

He lied and manipulated you. It's really not that much effort to "chat" over message. Predators cast lines out all over the place until they find someone who bites. They will maintain chats until they get what they want.

You won't be the only one he's done this with, even if you were the first to get sucked in.

Maybe reflect on why you wanted to get involved with someone who wasn't available and was never going to develop a healthy relationship with you. Analyse your own behaviour and motivations, not his.

He said everything you wanted to hear until he got sex, then he dropped you like a hot brick.

Exactly. No deeper analysis of his behaviour is required to understand what happened here.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to be demeaning. I feel silly that I hasn't looked at it this way.

I don't think you've been rude, I appreciate the honesty and it's what I was looking for. I wasn't specifically looking for someone who was married, I just fell for someone who happened to be. But I take all of your points and I won't make that mistake again. I think I do need to reframe how I think of him.

FFS. You are talking about her “options” when you are the one knowingly shagging a married man? Didn’t you have any other option than a man who already had a wife?
Her “options” legally outweigh yours. By a bloody mile.
And there is no “we” for you and this horrid shagger. The “we” is him and his wife and I’d bet my fucking mortgage this isn’t the first time he’s done this. He shagged you once and then ditched you. Such is life when you entertain these lying twats. I hope his wife sees sense and sends him away…forever. Wanker.

Absolutely 100% this - of course you’ve been a fool OP and ridiculously naive.

Lying cheating pieces of shit blokes are ten a penny and all spin the same tedious old lines as old as time.

And while he’s 100% responsible for being a cheating cunt, you knew he wasn’t free and still decided to sheep with him so you’re no wide eyed innocent.

Shagging married men is asking for trouble - there’s enough single men out there without falling for the lies of a cheating wanker.

You were naive, a believed what you wanted to believe rather than what time honoured tradition tells us about men who cheat: their wives never understand them, their marriages are miserable, blah blah blah. They either vanish once they’ve got their end away, or find a way to have their cake and eat it long term.

It was always all about him and his greedy cock, and nothing to do with you or any relationship you thought you had.

This doesn’t mean anything about you or your worth as a person. But hopefully it means you’ll spot the red flags next time a horny married man turns on the charm.

I just meant that at the time when it was all at a head, I was surprised she would want to stay with him when she knew about me. I assumed it was for the children or financial rather than for love. And that at the same time it was surprising for him as he'd assumed she was as unhappy as he was.
Of course I don't know her, I only know she's been been horrible to me and that he said she wasn't nice to him. But I appreciate that he may well have been lying to me.

I appreciate you weren't necessarily out searching for a married man, but when you felt attraction to one you did act upon it and you did pursue it. That part was a choice and I think it would be useful for you to understand why you made that choice. (And indeed to recognise that it was a choice.)

You can't meet, fall for, or build a relationship with someone suitable who would treat you right if you are investing your time and energy in people who are unavailable and will never treat you right.

Thank you. I appreciate your honesty and kindness. I absolutely will not get in this situation again. His need to tell his wife I saw as a sign he was really a good person who was feeling terribly guilty. I won't make that mistake again.

Yes I agree, I did make a choice to pursue a relationship with him. I'm ashamed of that.

Did you actually speak to his wife or did you just get text messages?

How do you actually know it was her?

And that at the same time it was surprising for him as he'd assumed she was as unhappy as he was.

That's a line. That's very obviously a line.

And as for her being "horrible" to you - you probably wouldn't be that friendly to someone who slept with your husband and was hoping he would leave you, so I'm not sure why you're using her behaviour towards you as proof that the lies he spun you were true.

It’s part of their marital dynamic.

He can humiliate her by making her feel vulnerable and disposable and dependent; he gets to feel like the big man women are fighting over; he loses nothing materially if she doesn’t boot him out, which he already knows she won’t because this is 100% not his first rodeo and she’s not left any of the previous times.

My dad was like this - a would also put in months of work getting emotionally close to younger women, making them feel special, etc. Extended grooming is part of the psychological thrill for these men.

You’ve been made of a mug of - learn from it.

If you want a relationship, look for someone who is actually single, and run a mile from anyone super intense who has long emotional soul searching phone conversations.

She’s been horrible to you? And this surprises you? How old are you op, because you sound incredibly naive?

you really have a cheek saying she was horrible to you when you not only shagged her husband but was hoping he would leave her and their children to be with you! Delusional 🤦🏻‍♀️

She emailed me at work, it would have been easy for her to figure out my address as name formula is the same for all of us. I didn't reply. She then posted about me on socials.

‘Of course I don't know her, I only know she's been been horrible to me’

You involved yourself in the removal of her personal agency, her right to informed sexual consent, you involved yourself in conversations around HER children’s future, you supported this man while he abused her. affairs cause a betrayed deep anxiety and often PTSD symptoms.

A few ‘horrible’ comments is absolutely nothing.

I am early 30s. I do understand why she was angry, but I don't think I deserved the public shaming. He'd already gone back to her and cut me out.

You don’t have any right to confidentiality when you shag someone else’s spouse, I’m afraid. Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.

Surely no one gets to your age and is still so naive? The faux shame is laughable when you were happy to sleep with a married man with children. You must be foolish if you thought this was you happy ending.

Op I'm the wife in a situation very similar to yours..
I can tell you that you know nothing about their marriage, their children, their history or his wife.
You got a curated version of him that suited his purpose at the time. That's all. They've shared children, their happiest moments, their saddest moments and a whole life together that you know nothing about.
You need to forget you ever met this man and leave him and wife alone.

Agree. Of course he’s completely responsible for being a lying cheating cunt but as you’ve now learned, often the wronged wife will
stand by her man and blame the OW.

It’s not right they get away with it but you willingly shagged a married man OP and you’ll have to deal with the consequences of your poor choices.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off disingenuous.
I am truly ashamed that I got involved with someone who was married, and that I hurt others in the process. Its a simple fact that I got hurt too but I can see that this would not compare to the experience of his wife in all of this.