Was I a fool?

[Missinghim24]

I'm ashamed to say I had an affair with a colleague last year.
We have worked together a long time, though located in different countries (We are both the same nationality but he lives in the Uk), we saw each other at work events a few times a year.
Last year our work messages got more personal and we shared that we liked each other. He told me his stay at home wife is always annoyed with him, she doesn't get along with his family and hasn't learned his language - nor have their children so he felt very isolated. She didn't appreciate how hard he worked, but I understood what it takes to do the job.
After a few weeks he told her about us, and messaged me to say that he wants his family and has to end it. I accepted that.
But then we saw each other a few days later. He said he'd had to say that as she was threatening to move away with the children. He was very upset so we went back to his hotel room to talk. We ended up sleeping together. When he returned home he moved out and I thought we would be together. But he went back to his wife.
I understand what we did was wrong, but i though he was so unhappy and really cared for me.
Since then he has ignored me completely. His wife has contacted me, telling me I'm young and foolish and should have seen it would never work, that she and the children hate me and will always be part of his life whatever happens (I'm only 11 years younger, he is in his 40s I'm in my early 30s ). That I can't understand as I'm not a mother. I ignored her so she posted about me on social media, so my colleagues, family and friends all know now too. I asked him to stop her but he said it's between her and me.
Was I really stupid to think this was something, that he cared? I would not repeat this mistake but I thought I really meant something to him.

But if you’re going to go down that road - he could divorce his wife and still be shagging her or any number of other women.

Being married to someone doesn’t mean you’re still shagging them. Being unmarried or not living together doesn’t mean you are not shagging someone.

A lot of people who are married do not stay faithful to that one person- you do know that? A lot of infidelity simply isn’t discovered.

We have no idea what people get up to in their own time. The common denominator is that the married man is lying. The person who is lying is the one who is to blame.

I know it’s hard for some people to get this if they’ve been hurt by their husbands in this way - they want to believe the OW was a wanton woman who lured them away bc they can’t deal with the fact they were married to a bad person who told them a pack of lies.

OW are not some kind of species or demographic. They are just women the same as you. Until I reached quite a ripe old age I had never been an OW and never thought I would be - and then I met someone who I fell in love with (so I thought) who told me a pack of lies. I became an OW bc he lied to me.

I will never agree that in this scenario (when the married man hasn’t been upfront about his situation) the Ow is as much to blame. She is a victim as much as the wife.

No I haven’t seen that thread and In scenarios such as this I agree that the OW is awful.

If someone is complicit in harming another person (ie. knows that person is being lied to) and that the man is just having their cake and eating it (and laughing about it) then they must be some sort of sociopath themselves.

So you're going for the other people do it so why shouldn't I defence then.
I don't think the other women are the only person to blame or that they lured the man away i just think she's an amoral skank who's chosen to sleep with a married man. I also think the married man is just as bad for being a lieing cheating pos.
There's plenty of blame to go around between the pair of them

Agree. You cannot put a knowing ow in the same victim boat as the wife.
Of the three adults involved, only two know there are 3 people in the relationship one is completely clueless and that's the entire cruelty of the whole thing.

And if the ow really believes the marriage is over, why do they think there is a need for secrecy?

Oh come on @Redscrunchie you expect people to believe that there was no subterfusion on your part.

No agreeing to meet secretly at certain times, no divulging your relationship to all and sundry, no limits to when you could call or text, all above board and no lies.

Oh but...yeah he did say keep it on the download just so we don't rub it in her face, or maybe he said it would hurt him financially in the divorce when it happens, or keep it from the kids it might hurt them.

Of course we all believe you 100%

Only on an online forum can you absolve yourself of guilt, in the real world no one would accept your excuses.

Own it.

I don’t expect anyone to understand who hasn’t been there themselves.

This wicker man “burn her/nail her to the cross”’mentality and frothing at the mouth/name calling is very interesting though.

I was cheated on myself in the past - never blamed the OW - I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me, she owes me nothing.

My anger was with my partner at the time as he was the one who’d lied and been unfaithful. I wonder if a lot of the venom and hatred towards OW is from women who’s dh’s have cheated and they’ve forgiven them and struggle to live with that so have to direct the anger elsewhere..

More excuses or parrallels that people won't believe.

You never cared about the woman who cheated with your partner/husband/boyfriend of two weeks, right, you are marvellous and forgiving.

It's all about belief, you believed that piece of shit you had an affair with but women reading this don't believe your excuses, we are all entitled to our belief systems.

And obviously we are all angry because we all took back our husbands who were actually deleriously in love with their ow but couldn't be with them because...

And our anger for ow is purely because we have forgiven the men.

If you want to come back to planet earth where logic enters the conversation please get in touch.

I’m sorry you are so angry - it’s honestly really fascinating the anger and vitriol this subject brings out in people.

We aren't angry or vitriolic, nor have I or would I ever take a cheating pos back.
The problem you've got is you refuse to accept any of the blame for your choices and your actions, whereas most posters are putting the blame where it belongs at BOTH of your feet.
If a man lies and the OW doesn't know that there's a wife/girlfriend/partner when she gets with him and dumps his lieing arse the moment she finds out the truth, then its all on him and both women are victims of the pos
If she chooses to continue the affair or knew about the wife/girlfriend/partner and still gets with him she's equally to blame for every piece of hurt and/or harm that results from the affair.
If you make the choice to get with a married man then you can't cry foul and claim to be innocent or a victim

OP, I know a lot of the responses are rightly very harsh and I think they have great value.
You really needed to read them and take them on board.

You were 100% played by a piece of shit that wanted a bit on the side.
It really is that simply.

I worked in finance/banking and god were they everywhere.
All late 30's, early 40's with young families absolutely looking for someone to give them sympathy, sex, and the admiration that had long faded from their wives eyes, because invariably they were selfish fxxks, shit husbands and fathers.

Some did leave their wives, have second families, with colleagues, and often within 5-7 were divorced again.

These guys are a type. Unfaithful arseholes every single one.

I can tell you that while truly awful for their first wives, the ones I knew were eventually absolutely delighted to have been rid of them.

They are utter wasters as husbands and fathers, every one.
10 years from now you will indeed view this chapter very differently.

You have dodged a nasty bullet.

You find it fascinating I find it to be expected, inevitable, even natural.

When lives crumble and families are blown apart, how do you think people react.
Much of the time it seems to be for nothing, no perfect ending, no wonderous replacement relationships, just destruction and hearts broken, wives, children, grandchildren, in laws but hey isn't it interesting, in a corny sort of way.

How the guilty like to minimise and make the injured party feel humiliated and small minded.

The thing is, as time goes by the anger does diminish but the logic and justice of the situation increases and you recognise badness, through and through, and those people you think will just forget about what has happened, just like op, will find they have to do an awful lot of burying their head in the sand and ignoring painful conversations as the years go by.

Guilt has a habbit of getting heavier as you age and you will carry this for a lifetime, maybe others will quietly remind you as the years go by.

The pain of affairs is outstanding, the ending of unions, partnerships, shared parenthood and love is indescribable, you either survive or die, some fortunate ones will recover but there are many that will just cope but one thing you learn is that there are some really nasty people in this world and they are the ones that should run togther, but for some reason the bad ones always want to run by the side of a nice one, maybe so they can keep on abusing, I don't know.

So your flippant attitude to love and loyalty in the end really does you no favours, especially if you're a woman.

The nice ones end up running out as you age.