Was I a fool?

[Missinghim24]

I'm ashamed to say I had an affair with a colleague last year.
We have worked together a long time, though located in different countries (We are both the same nationality but he lives in the Uk), we saw each other at work events a few times a year.
Last year our work messages got more personal and we shared that we liked each other. He told me his stay at home wife is always annoyed with him, she doesn't get along with his family and hasn't learned his language - nor have their children so he felt very isolated. She didn't appreciate how hard he worked, but I understood what it takes to do the job.
After a few weeks he told her about us, and messaged me to say that he wants his family and has to end it. I accepted that.
But then we saw each other a few days later. He said he'd had to say that as she was threatening to move away with the children. He was very upset so we went back to his hotel room to talk. We ended up sleeping together. When he returned home he moved out and I thought we would be together. But he went back to his wife.
I understand what we did was wrong, but i though he was so unhappy and really cared for me.
Since then he has ignored me completely. His wife has contacted me, telling me I'm young and foolish and should have seen it would never work, that she and the children hate me and will always be part of his life whatever happens (I'm only 11 years younger, he is in his 40s I'm in my early 30s ). That I can't understand as I'm not a mother. I ignored her so she posted about me on social media, so my colleagues, family and friends all know now too. I asked him to stop her but he said it's between her and me.
Was I really stupid to think this was something, that he cared? I would not repeat this mistake but I thought I really meant something to him.

He's vile and you deserve everything you get. You knew he was married with children and still pursued him. A public shaming is the least of your worries.

OP I’ve been there done that - been OW to a married man whom I really believed loved me. I’ve never felt so “seen” - he courted me for a while before we slept together and I thought I’d met my soulmate. I got all the “we’re still married but not really together any more/ she hasn’t slept with me for 3 years/I just need to find somewhere to live, she agrees it’s over” crap.

He even took me to their house and walked around holding my hand in the area they live in. It was all a load of bollocks.

I couldn’t believe I fell for it and felt very very stupid. But I’ve realised it wasn’t my fault - all I was guilty of was trusting someone who seemed like a lovely person and taking them at face value - why wouldn’t I? I’m not a pathological liar myself so I don’t understand anyone who is like that.

I think he was a covert narc with a personality disorder. I’d never come across it before.

They do it bc they are sad individuals and it brings them pleasure to know they have power over people, like some kind of perverted puppet master pulling the strings playing with others emotions.

To ease his conscience, dump the emotional burden on his wife, and likely get to indulge in some hysterical bonding with her.

Also this is spot on ⬆️ I think they actively enjoy getting one over on their wives - mine hated his wife, she was very accomplished and attractive and I think he was hugely resentful of her. I think he’ll have enjoyed making her feel like it was her fault afterwards.

I think you've been played. He never had any intention of it being anything more that a one night shag. Once done, he very quickly threw you under the bus with his wife.

I think you've been incredibly naive in how you've swallowed the lies and were so quick to believe the worst about another person you've never met.

In you shoes I'd do a lot of reflection and pour a bucket of cold water over my feelings by asking myself the following:

If he said those things about his wife and the mother of his children, what do you think he said about you to her?

I suspect part of you enjoyed hearing about how much better you were than his wife, how much more sensitive and caring you were and that he wanted to pick you over her. Deep down you must have found this exciting otherwise you wouldn't have slept with him. Ask yourself why this was an attraction for you? What does this say about how you're feeling about yourself right now.

I think you need some therapy to explore why you wanted to believe him.

I absolutely did enjoy the nice things he said to me about me, of course. He made me feel that I understood him, that he appreciated that I was kind and lighthearted and that I had time for him and cared about how he was feeling. I felt like he needed that at the time and he gave the same care to me.
Naturally i recognise that he pulled all that away just as quickly. I suppose part of me has been hanging on to the fact that this must have been a difficult choice for him to make, but after all this time it's hard to still think that which is why I'm left thinking I really was just the fool his wife said I was.
I really didn't give much thought to how life would be if he did leave her and we were together and the fact that she'd still be part or his life.

Just wanted to say it seems a bit bonkers that she’s done this when she’s decided to stand by her man - isn’t she embarrassed? I mean, what a low bar she has. I’d never advertise the fact I’d stayed with a cheating pos to all and sundry.

Try and put it behind you and just learn from it OP - your friends and family know who you are as a person and will probably think she’s a bit batshit.

I'm sorry but I think you are being a little self delusional here.

You went to their marital home. That's incredibly cold blooded of you. To knowingly go to the house he was currently sharing with his wife thinking that was okay is so weird. Unless you were invited by his wife or had spoken to her on the phone to have an honest conversation, I can't believe you could be that naive or stupid. Most sane people would know that is not okay on any level.

You need to take some responsibility for your own actions there and not just try to blame it all on him. Sounds like you made conscious choices you need to own too.

Public shaming? What planet do you actually live on? You SHAGGED HER HUSBAND. To her, you publicly shamed her?
And for what it’s worth, I don’t think that is true. The rancid husband shamed himself, it was absolutely nothing to do with his wife. It’s his lack of spine, lack of balls and backbone that made him look for a bit on the side. And his children? Jesus, he’s vile.

And you shamed yourself too. Don’t you deserve better than a lying twat?
But his wife? She feels shame for what you and he did. She shouldn’t, it’s totally misplaced, but she does. Not sure how you have got past 30 and don’t know this? For the record, in future, if they have a wife, girlfriend or recent “mental” ex. Swerve. Madly. Like you were about to crash on the motorway. SWERVE.

I don't think you've really understood what I was getting at OP.

He said some horrible things to you about his wife and the mother of his children. Why would you think that was an attractive quality in a man?

He set you up against each other and you fell for it.

My point is, why were you so quick to fall for that manipulation and why did you find someone who could behave so horribly attractive?

If you don't get to the bottom of this you're probably going to continue to repeat your mistakes. At least if you take a long hard look at yourself you could learn from this experience.

I was guilty of believing him - that was stupid of me but I had just come out of an abusive relationship at the time and was quite vulnerable.

Im certainly not proud of it - but he was a pathological liar and very manipulative - even the circumstances under which he got me round to his house was obviously planned by him but I didn’t realise this until afterwards.

I was very, very naive. Very big lesson was learned and I hope I never come across anyone like him again in my life. I feel extremely sorry for his wife (if she’s still with him) bc he must tell her a right load of old bullshit too. When she found out about us he was threatening to throw himself in front of a train if she left him.

He was truly vile but seemed like the nicest man you’ve ever met on the surface, it was a truly horrifying experience. I really hope his wife saw sense and left him too, she deserves much better.

I take your point.
At the time I thought he just needed to talk it through with someone, and trusted me enough to be honest. I felt reassured that his marriage wasn't happy and took was he was telling me as explanation. I couldn't have imagined he would talk about me that way.
But with hindsight I can see that any man who is talking badly about a woman who was once important to him is a red flag (and yes of course it should have been enough to know that he was married).
I suppose I was flattered and it made me feel special which is something I absolutely will reflect on.

Married men who cheat on their wives are untrustworthy liars by definition. You fell for his lies. Learn from the experience and do better next time.

I didn't publicly shame her though. Neither me or her husband would have told anybody. I expected he'd leave her and sometime down the line we would be publicly together when things settled.
She chose to make it public.

Probably not very helpful to see yourself as a fool OP, as you need to shake yourself down and move on. It sounds like hindsight is showing you that you made mistakes - particularly in trusting this weak man - and got carried away. Obviously don't have anything more to do with him, and block her if that's possible.

Thank you. I don't have any contact with him and I have blocked her, as have my family (who's accounts were getting contacted also).
I don't have any desire to reconcile with him. I thought for a long time he must regret how things ended and that he stayed for the sake of his kids but as time has gone on and I've reflected I think I probably was foolish, it's just hard to accept it wasn't what I thought.

FFS. In her eyes, you DID publicly shame her. You ARE the public and you shagged her husband? Your expectations (clearly misplaced) are neither here nor there. Can you really not understand that she feels massive shame? Every person who has been betrayed blames themselves. They wonder what they did wrong, what is wrong with them. The answer is bloody nothing. She has the misfortune to have one of the many husbands who have a wayward cock. It happens. People are weak and selfish. But the shame lies with the people who did it, and that includes you. The wife will pull herself together, get over the shock and with a bit of luck? Realise she deserves far, far better and ditch this loser.
And you? Kindly op, you need to grow up! At gone 30, you should be able to recognise married men’s bollocks before now? I knew at bloody 19 that many married men would say anything to get their leg over. They were and always have been given short shrift. Do better for yourself op. No one deserves a lying turd.

His wife should be naming and shaming him not you! Yes you were wrong but her husband is the one who owes her loyalty! Don't do the "pick me" dance, let her keep him, he'll cheat again. More fool her. Stupid little man.

In her eyes you wanted to rip her family apart and destroy her life as she know it all for your selfish desires.

Do you really not get that? Why should she STFU and stay silent?

My friend committed suicide when she found out her husband cheated on her when she was pregnant - that’s how much damage is done by cheats.

It’s not fair he’s got away with it of course not but that’s not your business how they’re dealing with things behind closed doors.

OP - no, you didn’t deserve to be publicly shamed despite what that other poster is trying to make you think.

The wife is likely projecting all the blame onto you in order to free her husband of blame so she can live with herself for staying with him (and likely he’ll have fed her the old “she was a nympho who threw herself at me” bullshit)

Theres no need to flagellate yourself at the altar of “women who slept with a married man and must therefore feel nothing but shame and humiliation for evermore””. He lied, you fell for it - you are guilty of being a bit gullible but as I said before, when you’ve never encountered these kind of men before it’s hard to reconcile yourself with the fact that it was all a lie and a game to them. I can’t speak for yours but mine definitely had some kind of personality disorder or was very sick in the head.

You made a mistake - his wife is a fool
for staying with him, but she may feel she has no choice and I would just feel very sorry for her as she has fallen for his lies also, and continues to do so.

Try and put it behind you and don’t let it send you crazy trying to analyse it - he’s a bad person.

Exactly - the wife is just embarrassing herself by making it public. Her anger should be towards him - he made the marriage vows to her and is father to her children.

But it’s easier for these women sometimes to believe the evil OW lured their man away and he just tripped and fell onto her cock first!

I feel for you @Missinghim24 though "my wife doesn't understand me" is as old as time itself.

How would your family see her Socials?

I would.put it down to experience. He played you and his wife (he told her but choose a direction and grow a spine to that man). Maybe an ego boost to him?

I hope it doesn't affect your career. I would block and ignore this person. They do not have your back or any intention of leaving their wife.

You deserve better than him x

You are foolish, as this was always going to be a dangerous liaison.
He's got his dick wet and now have two women and his children hurting.
You're here nursing your wounds and his wife is on SM embarrassing herself and you.
Lord knows what is happening for the children who now hate you.
And the coward is off somewhere, likely planning his next rendezvous, while you're both hurting.

You were a fool sorry. I haven’t been in your position and I’d expect men like that can be incredibly manipulative and convincing though, so don’t be too hard on yourself you are human. If anyone deserves a public shaming it is him not you. That said it’s really not a good idea to get involved with married men who have children like this. And I’m sure emotions are running high for that poor poor woman. There are lessons to be learned from this. Count yourself lucky you aren’t tied down to him like she is.

My parents and sister all got copies of messages between me and him from a couple of accounts. There were also posts made on photos I was tagged in saying what had happened.
It was horrendous.

Thank you. I think now everything has died down and been quiet for a long time I'm just starting to really think about what it actually was rather than what I felt at the time.

OP knowingly contributed to the abuse of someone else. Yes, that is shameful (well it is if you’ve a single bloody ounce of decency) and yes, if you’ve got more than 3 brain cells, you know that shagging a married man will become public. If you shag a lying tosser who tells his wife a load of shite is it so hard to think he might tell his mates/collegues/the postman about the bit on the side he has?